Note2Self-byPharaoh

So the title of this post comes from one of my favorite movies..."To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar." Yeah, yeah say what you want but I crack up a thousand and one times when I watch it...which is at least twice a month....well except this month with moving and all. The line is from the scene when Vita (Swayze) is trying to convince Noxzeema (Snipes) that they should take Chichi (Leguizamo) with them from NYC to Hollywood as their protege.

I know that I've mentioned my adopted brother/mentee...hmm maybe even protege, Babybro. Things are good, nothing bad has happened to him or between us. He's in his hometown and from the conversations we have had and the things he's been getting into lately (nothing bad) he's....blossoming. As I said when we first started communicating he seemed a bit defeated and deflated. He was almost anti-social and maybe somewhat depressed. (Yeah, I know that sounds like most gay men at one time or another, lol.) I don't think he has told me EVERYTHING he's done but recently he's been to a graduation party based on a casual invite from someone he doesn't know well,...which was primarily a gay funtion...something he admits he probably would have avoided 6-9 months ago. On this Memorial Day weekend he's spending time hanging out with friends from junior high school, some of which he had shied away from over the years. LOL even as I write this he laying poolside with some of them....I hope he has a cocktail in hand, sitting by a pool is pointless without at least a mimosa in hand, but that's just me...no I'm not a lush! =)

Anyway, I mentioned Babybro because I think it's safe to say that my involvement in his life and him in mine over the past year played a role in his recent growth. (How big or small of a role that was isn't important at the moment. (I looked it up - I received my first email from him 3/23/09.)

The thing that is interesting at the moment is that I'm realizing that this is starting to become a recurring theme. I often encounter guys who are in similar situations as Babybro. I swear Schehimazade didn't have any friends until we met, and his mama had to talk me into hanging out with him.... lol. I know Schehimazade is going to claim other wise and frankly my memory is...sketchy at best so I won't totally contest his claims. ;-P And I won't even get into how pitiful Prince Esquire was in preschool, but he's not gay...just metro so he don't count!

When I cross paths with these guys, I simply attempt to befriend them, not with any plans to be a role model or anything, just being my sometimes-friendly self. Some of these guys I am still in contact with, some I haven't heard from in years. There are even some who try to remove me from their life, but seem to find their way back.

A friend who has self-appointed me as his life-coach/mentor seems to think this is my mission in life, and has referred me to two other youths here in the Los Angeles area for me to "mentor." What's ironic is a couple years back Prince Esquire suggested that I needed to mentor the self-proclaimed "bomb-ass faggot" at the HIGH SCHOOL he was working at during that summer. At the time I didn't think that I had much to offer a mentee....I mean who was I....granted this was before the reemergence of Pharaoh and the better understanding of what that means and who I am.

It looks like I'm going to be a gay godfather.....I hope I can bare the labor pains!

Sincerely,

Pharaoh

I woke up this Monday morning, tired and sore...just drained. That's from a weekend spent packing and trying to get stuff moved out of my apartment. On top of that when I woke up I received a text message from Prince Esquire informing me that "it's been 15 years since you sashayed out the closet to us at Irvine."

OK first off...I ain't "SASHAYED" anywhere, ever. The "us" he was referring to included himself and a mutual friend who I'll call here Miz Independence since she is a July 4th baby. And Irvine is the name of the city and university we attended.

But Oh my. 15 years....really! Has it been that long....it seems weird in so much as...that counts as nearly half my life.

I think back on the night when I sat him down on one of the benches on campus and let him know I was gay. For those that don't Prince Esquire and I have been friends since preschool. So my coming out wasn't about me expecting him to say "me too," or because I was looking to have him sexually. It was primarily administrative. We needed to sign and submit our paperwork requesting to be roommates as part of our campus housing. Due to our such long standing friendship at that point, I did not want us to agree to be roommates and then he finds out that I was gay and have a problem with it, causing us to have a falling-out and it getting back to our parents....ok getting back to my parents!

Dear lord, who would have guess that the sentimental sap that he is would be reminding me of that moment in my life....15 years later....and I dare say he may have done so almost to the day. Now it is such a common part of our friendship, that in terms of his comfortability with it that he has done just about everything but try to set me up on a date with someone.....lol maybe he's trying to keep me to himself. (lol that should teach you about calling me "old man,")

Sincerely,

Pharaoh

I've been playing this online game...the name isn't important. the premise is that you can play as 1 of 3 species, you are given a home planet, and told to build a galactic empire.

I started out with 7 profiles that I was playing under, (although it's against game policy to have multiple profiles.) I tried to play peacefully with the other players around me. Since I wasn't attacking other player's planets I didn't have much military. I focused on ...civil developments. I guess that was bad planing on my part because I'm down to just 4 profiles (well between the the attacks for other players and trying to run 7 empires with 5-6 planets each, it got to be a bit much and exhausting.....so I just deleted the others.)

So I'm down to my last four profile...and two are being attacked constantly by 1 player who have like 4000 ships. The two profiles that are being attacked are ....well just barely hanging on. Unfortunately, none of my profile are in positions to be very aggressive or retaliate. The gold mines on the two profiles that are being attacked can barely rake in enough for me to rebuild what is destroyed, and there's basically no hope of getting enough gold to rebuild my army even for a last act of desperation.

The two that aren't being attacked aren't really in much better shape but I'm trying to correct that.....but it still takes time.

The irony is that before the attacks the game was starting to get boring to me and I was thinking about deleting everything...and now that I'm being attacked all the time, it's really lame...ok sucks. However I now don't want to just delete because it will mean that the other player was successful at eliminating me. I would imagine that if I delete the profiles that are being attacked, I'm pretty sure that the player would just turn his attention to one and if possible my two other profiles.

It really sucks that I been a nice guy to everyone (including this player since I never attacked him) and now they are out to get me.

ARGH! Why can't I just let this go? I feel silly and stupid for being so concerned about some freaking computer codes accessed through the web - that's all it is! :'-(

Sincerely,

Pharaoh

I started my Friday like I start most of the days during the week. I got up and raced to work. After arriving I send out my near ritual "Good Morning" text to friends....most of whom reside on the east coast so I don't have to worry about waking them at such unkindly hours.

This particular morning I felt a little....humorous. So instead of just saying "morning" my text read;

"Good Morning my mere mortal Friends."

I was tickled.

Here were some of the responses I received.

"Good Morning Great One" - that was from BabyBro, don't out love how youngsters respect and worship their elders! It's so rare in youth these days! =)

"Oh, I'm no mortal. I'm eternal!!" - that was from Schehimazade's lil brother in NYC.

"What's going on Super Friend?" - that was one of the Vegas contingent members.

"Who you calling mortal. I'm a Nubian God." - this was from Duke Darktomahawk.

These were all put a smile on my face which was the point of my initial text.

But one stood out just a bit from the others. It was actually a series of messages, but written here as one to move things along;

"I think you sent this to me by mistake. Respect my immortality! It's written, there's nothing I can do. Yes Pharaoh I'm speakin from my RA (fyi - this is a name of and Egyptian god) position. And it's okay. I forgive your insolence ;)

Mine found me a long time ago. My life's been my declaration to it. Sometimes my vision is blurry and I'm shaken, not stirred, but my understanding remains. Why are you just finding, excuse me, recognizing yours ;)

By the way, yours has been obvious to me for quite some time ;)"

That was from Prince Esquire.

Although they were all fun made me smile and laugh this one was.....somehow powerful to me. I mean isn't this by some standard the point of calling someone "friend?" Because they are ALWAYS saying and doing things to uplift you. Unlike some people who alway have negative things to say and try to say things to hurt and bring you down but feel they can say it because to them it's the truth....rather it is or not.

Anyway I really appreciated Esquire's words and held them with me most of the day.

I went through the rest of my day, visit my family for dinner watched a movie with them and on my way home at about 1:30Am on Saturday I had the misfortune of a minor collision on the freeway. (Nobody injured.) An idiot (maybe drunk) took the curves of a freeway interchange too fast and bumped into me on the passenger side of Thunderbolt. Of course the other driver continued to speed off. Luckily once I was home I learned that no damage had occurred.

Part of me was angry wanted to chase them down...beat the crap out of them. But before those feeling had a chance to settle over me, the other (and bigger part of me) said whipsered a "thank God I'm ok" and I said a silent prayer that the idiot didn't injured him/hersself or any one else before they arrived at their destination.

Hmm, maybe Esquire's words were more powerful than I thought. lol a divine shield or bumper.

Sincerely,

Pharaoh

Recently, I finally had the chance to see this film. I really like Sandra Bullock. I think she and Quinton Aaron did great jobs in this film.

I'm not rally doing a "critique" of the film here, but the premise of the movie, got me to thinking. I think it's common knowledge as to what the story is about, but in short, a rich matriarch of a white family in Memphis, has her motherly instincts kick-in causing her to open her home and family to a homeless black teenager, who through his new family support lands a football scholarship.

I was moved...inspired...touched...you know what I'm trying to say. Even though I had seen the clip several times on the few occasions that I watch TV, my heart nearly burst when Bullock and Aaron are standing in the rain.

I was in awe of this woman's generosity. I know the filmed is based on a true story, so there is some hope that such kindness isn't only an figment of our imagination played out through Hollywood on the "silver screen." It's amazing what impact it had on the guy.

It makes me question how much impact I have on the lives of those around me. No, I'm not rich enough yet to afford to take in someone. And I don't think that's the only way to have an impact on a person's life. But I wonder if I will leave a mark at all.

I know it's optimistic of me, but I know that if we all gave a fraction of what that woman (and her family) did, the things would be so much better. I think about some of my friendships, new and old, and just wonder if I have helped them to be better off than before we met. Of course the one friendship of mine that is most similar to that of this movie is the one with "BabyBro," who was just recently here as part of the "brother retreat" I think I already see him growing/blossoming as an individual, and I can only imagine him doing even more. But I'm not taking credit, I just hope I'm doing good.

I challenge other to do the same.

Sincerely,

Pharaoh

I was told that nothing ever seems to "get to [me]," that I'm such an "rock," and just so strong emotionally. Frankly, I don't think it's true. It's not that I'm lying or keeping my feelings from people behind a mask or wall, (well maybe some.) Mostly it's just that it manifests differently with me and I just release or vent it differently.

I say that because I seem to have been ensnared by some of those negative feelings that we all try to keep at bey. The darkness is heavy and I've seem to have lost my way. I've seem to have lost my way in a few areas in my life. One of the areas that I've seem to have lost my way is this blog. This blog was started basically as a place to vent, to release what ever feelings that were in me. It seems that I only write a post here when ....well I'm feeling good. And maybe that's why there's these long breaks between post.

So why haven't I've used this blog as I had initially intended? I recently realized the answer to that question. The blog opened a door between my life and the rest of the world wider than I had anticipated. For the most part I am a private person...maybe shy...which is may go back to why people say nothing seems to bother me. I understand that the blog in a way was a shield for me, by that I mean a way to vent the things that I am feeling in a detached matter. However as I said, it also opened that door wider than I had planned by allowing the opportunity to interact with new people, some of which I now speak with on a regular if not daily basis. Some even have direct access via phone calls or text messages, so instead of leaving comments here on the page, they just call. I see now that's the problem....it means my shield is gone...and things that I write here, particularly negative stuff, that I write as a means from which to detach myself is force to be more intimate because they're quick to say "So, I read your blog today." Suddenly any relief that I had manage to gain from the purging entry, is taken away since they are now putting it back in my face and lap by wanting to discuss it.

The Crazy part of this is....that despite the need for the detachment, it doesn't mean that I don't want or appreciate feedback. Isn't that the purpose of the comment section on the blog. I know it probably seems asinine of me to prefer the written response rather the familiar voice of a supportive friend calling. I mean isn't one of the things to value most in our lives, is the bonds we share with the people and the intimacy those bonds create.

I don't know how I will deal with this issue. Should I just create a new label/tag to indicate rather or not it's something I want to discuss offline. O when one of these friends call to discuss something I wrote should I simply say, "Hey, let's talk about something else," or even just "I don't want to talk about it." I'll think on it some more and make a decision when I feel I have all the information I need. However this is atleast helping me to get back on the right path for the blog.

As for me stumbling in the darkness in other areas.....I think that's going to have to be a separate purging.

Sincerely,

Pharaoh