So this is the end of 2011. I'm going to write a reflection for my own enjoyment.
January: New Year's I went to a dance party with tons of friends, wore a dress I borrowed and new heels I loved, went home, slept under an electric blanket with roommates, then out to IHOP for breakfast. Turned 25. I also enjoyed several snow days...no school.
February: Thought I had recovered fully from a broken heart, only to find myself vulnerable (and somewhat clueless) once again....no more details, only that it didn't work out, and that's what's best for all parties involved.
March: Spring Concert with my dear middle schoolers. The most proud I was of them all year. Hard month emotionally.
April: Much needed Spring Break. I actually don't even remember what I did. I think there was some shopping, sleeping, and coffee house time in there somewhere.
May: Crazy, crazy busy month. Performances, graduations, and a new guy. I also started living alone for the first time in the most adorable attic apartment. And I got a cat.
June: Went to Florida with a friend for vacation, learned what it's like to have summer off as a teacher (and still get paid bi-weekly!), started dating someone I never anticipated even knowing.
July: Attempted to be productive, attended a middle school conference, braced myself for August's quick approach. Got mononucleosis. Living alone started not to feel so great.
August: Recovered from mono just in time--barely--for the beginning of school. I found myself super-pumped to start again, and super-excited to see the students.
September: Found it difficult to have a semi-long-distance relationship between two busy teacher schedules and other activities.
October: I hated living alone. Went to the doctor and found out some not-so-awesome but hopeful info about the ol' brain. Fall concert success with middle-schoolers. Pretty sure I love my job.
November: Decided to move in with the friend I vacationed with in June. Plodded through school, deadlines got closer, lost more weight, but new insights into my thinking allowed me to rest better.
December: New apartment. Holiday concerts. Holidays. Christmas vacation.
And here I am, in all of this post-2011 glory, listening to David Gray and thinking about what the next year may hold. I'll be 26 in a few days. I feel like I'm growing into a person that I like being.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Back Down South
Kings of Leon recorded this song called "Back Down South" that breaks my heart so much that I was afraid to download it on iTunes, but I did a few minutes ago, and now I'm listening to it.
It takes me back to the summer, riding around curvy roads in the country in my boyfriend's jeep.
The other night I went up to my room to grab some wrapping paper, and he was sitting in my wicker chair playing this song on my guitar. He said, "Is this breaking your heart?" when he saw me stop in the doorway. I was staring at him, thinking this was one of the most beautiful and heartbreaking pictures I'd ever seen.
"Yes," I said, "it is."
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Sometimes I feel like I need to write, but it's not as fun as I thought it would be once I sit down to do it. I can't wrangle my thoughts entirely....I can't find one thing to write about...and posting on a blog isn't the safest thing. But my hands can only keep up with my thoughts when I'm typing and not when I'm writing with a pen. My journal, thick as it is and almost full, isn't my favorite place anymore. So here I am. And I know I'm wishing for a kindred to read this and say, "Yes, I feel that way, too. I totally understand."
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Why can't I just live a simple life? I want to. I want to lay aside the urgings and unrest of my mind, enjoy my life, and be thankful. But so often I feel like I'm missing something, and I especially feel this way lately. I have this urge to do something, but what it is, I don't know.
I get overwhelmed by the demands of my job, by the problems that some of the students have, by my own desperation when I feel like I can't help them or even teach because their needs are so much greater than learning music. Some of them need so much. I don't even know what to do sometimes.
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I guess that's all for now. There's so much on my mind though. So so so much.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
When I was about 16, I remember reading Hebrews and writing in the margin of my Bible that "disobedience = unbelief." I don't have that Bible anymore, though I wish I did, but I can still see my own handwriting there and remember how it had dawned on me.
My unbelief leads to my disobedience. Like Sarah gave Hagar to Abraham...I too have a lack of faith and end up with my own set of problems because of that.
I want to be better, but lately I feel so disheartened. Where is my heart? Why can't I believe God's promises and have trust in His goodness?
Lord, I do believe. Please help my unbelief.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Soundtrack of My Life
It's Saturday again.
These days:
I am out of school.
Summertime, and the livin' is easy... ("Summertime" --I like Ella Fitzgerald's rendition)
My best friend is home from Africa.
I bless the rains down in Africa... ("Africa" by Toto)
I went on my first trips to Ikea (overwhelmed and very happy at the same time) and Anthropologie (inspired to really enjoy my femininity).
"I Enjoy Being a Girl" Doris Day
I went to the waterfront with a certain person who is very, very interesting, and that's all I'll say about that.
"Take Me Home Tonight" Eddie Money.
...kidding about that song.
My cat loves me now.
"L O V E" Nat King Cole
I made organic, recently roasted coffee, straight from Africa.
"Just Enough" Julian Lynch
Lastly: My prayer for the summer: God, help me to love You...help me to love your Word. Help me to not waste the time you have given me.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Saturday Again
I went to bed and woke up kind of sick.
I really wanted to enjoy this Saturday...and I WILL, dang it.
This past week has been insane (in addition to the insanity of teaching):
-Monday- choir concert--executing a middle school choir concert....can be tough.
-Tuesday- new community group
-Wednesday- best friend arrives at airport after being gone to another country for a year (woo!!!!)
-Thursday- parents in town
-Friday- performance for city dignitaries, plus...parents, best friend, new friend
And on top of all of this, I've been trying to communicate with a new friend, whom I fear feels put on the back burner....
...and i'm sick now.
SUMMER: WHERE ARE YOU?
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Oh hi, Blinking Cursor. I'm resisting the overwhelming desire to tell you that I hate you.
You seem impatient, as if you're tapping your foot or drumming your fingers, thrump, thrump, on a table. So sorry to keep you waiting, but thoughts that feel comfortable enough to share are scant today, and I am nursing my fatigued mind with trivialities.
I really did try this morning to think on substantial things, and I may resume that oh-so-important theology book soon enough. Perhaps that would provide me with enough words to regurgitate onto this page--though I know your blinking will never stop, friend... We have that in common. That sense of anticipation. I know you crave words, characters, really. What I want isn't something I can fully have in this life.
"Set your hearts and minds on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God."
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Am I merely treading water lately instead of getting somewhere? They say, "Just keep swimming." I know.
but i feel like a blinking cursor
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This is what I did instead of reading this morning:
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