Obsessive Compulsive Dating

My updates include that S has started to date someone. So she probably won't ever post again...

But so the first week back in OCDating was interesting. The first date (see below) asked me out again and I politely texted him back and said no. The second date was a set-up (good on paper, not so great in person) and later on in the week I found out another friend of mine went out with him on a first date this week too (total coincidence). The third was a really sweet guy, but just seemed too awkward. He also asked me out again and I politely declined. Then I got tired. I decided to go back to my hookup instead of meeting a new guy and I took a little break. Whew

Fourth date was this dinner speed dating type thing. I enjoyed meeting a bunch of single people, but I do feel like the least freakish amongst the freaks sometimes. And just don't know if it makes any sense for me to do any of this stuff- I mean, am I really going to meet someone this way? I canceled the fifth date, and ended up meeting the sixth for coffee on sunday morning. And I can finally say I was happy to meet this guy.

We only met for about an hour, but he seemed like a genuine guy, and we really had great conversation. We had a lot in common and we chatted for a while. I think I'd like to see him again, but if he's not interested that's ok too - I'm just happy to know that I can actually meet someone like him this way.

Maybe I should actually filter better (novel idea) in advance of the meeting, but at least there are possibilities for me out there! Yay!!!

-M

Ok so I'm back to online-dating. And this is serious obsessively compulsive. I have four dates lined up for this week, and I'm going to a speed dating type of event in addition to that. I'll update you on all of them. So far, I went on one this morning. I said something about how my parents were trying to set me up with a guy who lives in Ohio and I thought it was too far and most men don't like to compromise, and this guy stops me and says "Whoa that's too heavy." I asked him to clarify, and he says that since I'm new to online dating (he has noooo idea!) I should know that the first rule is not to talk about sex, religion, politics, or anything too heavy. He says keeping it lite is the key ingredient to success. I wanted to ask him how his baldness was helping his success in the dating world.

And to be clear, it seems that people think online dating means you can't make it in the non-online-dating world. I don't feel that way. I think it's just another way to meet people (so far, not great people though).

-M

What I don't quite understand is why the guys I want to ask to meet in person don't (I mean, how many times can we write back and forth before they will want to meet?) and the guys who I barely know, ask to go out before I've even responded. Where is the middle ground? Will keep you updated on the rest from this week...

So I've recently become very tired of the men who just cannot get their shit together and make a move. I knew this guy had said I was cute since May, and I probably gave him my number in July. Two weeks ago, he finally seems like he's about to make a move (he walks me home -we're both drunk - at 3 am on a saturday). But, we said goodbye and parted at the door. This week, he comes to my friend's birthday party around midnight by himself to see me. We danced, we had a good time, and when it was time to leave, we hop in a cab back to my place.

In the cab I start to hold his hand, and something turns off in him. I sense it right away, so I said, "what's going on in your head?" He doesn't say anything for a while. We're back at my place, on my couch (I sat down first, and he sits on the same couch) - and he says, "Well, you know I have that girlfriend." Umm... WHAT? No, I don't know you're IN A RELATIONSHIP with someone else!

I got a little angry, but I didn't show it. So after I kick him to the curb, I send him a text: "Not trying to be mean, but why did you want to meet up tonight?" And his lame text back was something like "I thought you'd want to hang out - nothing more." Yea right. Well, hopefully I helped him realize that he likes that other girl more than he thought??? Oh lord my dating life is a nightmare.

-M

So, this whole natural approach was going well for quite a while. I was finding myself concentrating on me, and all of a sudden every night I was hanging out at bars with only men, and my dating life was looking like there were some prospects in it ...Until this weekend.

I met a guy at a coffee shop on thursday, and gave him my card. On friday, I hung out with a guy who had mentioned he thought I was cute to mutual friends before, and I wrote my number on a napkin for him. Now I'm just waiting - and this is the part that I hate. When will he call? Or will he call at all?

It's all a mind-game really. I need to tell myself he won't call, and then he definitely will. I know boys are so stupid, so I have convinced myself that maybe he accidentally wiped something with the napkin and therefore lost my number. Or the guy who has my card - maybe he misplaced it? But honestly, I think they just aren't that interested and if I'm doing the natural thing, I shouldn't let it bother me. This was just step 1 and I must expect that steps 2 and 3 don't always occur for someone who has gotten to step 1. Right?

Of course I saw an unmarked number in my phone yesterday, got excited, picked up, and realized it was this guy who I didn't want to hear from. I avoided a date, hung up, and promptly labelled the number "Do not pick up" into my phone. By the way, there is a great website that supposedly emails the guy who didn't call and gives him the opportunity to explain why. Favorite answer in the multiple choice section include "I actually think you're just crazy." Touche, touche.

A group of women sit around a table over scrumptious dinner and wine. They talk about their careers, their families, their relationships or lack thereof. At some point in the conversation one woman will inevitably ask, "What do I do?" and all the women give their opinions about what is probably going through her partner's mind, how she can resolve the situation, and what the possible outcomes may be.

Why can't we just let things be? For a woman in her 30's, she is ready to move things along for a variety of reasons, but the main one being - why wait? Will this man ever be ready? Women are generally impulsive when it comes to matters of the heart, and men are not. We convince ourselves the direct approach is the right one. Men will give us just enough so we hold on, when we really shouldn't.

A friend of mine told me to let things be and let my dating life evolve naturally. I am an action-oriented person, so this is difficult for me. I generally want to make things happen. I am impatient and impulsive (a VERY awful combination). But I am going to try this new approach. I don't quite know what it means, but I guess I'll let things happen naturally (isn't my impulsiveness natural?) on HIS end. It's going to be frustrating.

-M

Over the past few months, I've blurred the line between dating and relationships. I must define both so that I am clear again. Dating is when you go out with someone and experience different things with them. Dating has no future or commitment, and can be romantic but need not be. A relationship, on the other hand, is a commitment that both parties (hopefully willingly) have decided to partake in. The parameters are clear, and future goals should be as well.

I realize that I truly enjoy dating. Yesterday a friend mentioned that she really wanted a relationship and I think, given all the disappointment I've experienced, I don't actually want or need a relationship right now, maybe ever. I see how often my friends get let down because their expectations are too high. I myself have let things "fade away" without thinking twice about it.

The bottom line is that when you like someone and want to be in a relationship and they don't, it sucks. But we all must recognize that we should only be in relationships where both parties are excited about the prospect. Timing has a lot to do with it, personalities are not the only factors involved.

So I will continue dating, and I will continue blogging. But I can't promise anything about relationships in my posts. Generally, can't promise anything about relationships period...

-M

I'm still dating, but trying my best to stay focused on one guy at a time. The problem with this is, I don't want to become too focused on anyone prematurely - because I don't want to get hurt. For that matter, to be honest, I'm just sick of wasting my time.

A few days ago a friend of mine was talking about how to break up with the guy she's dating. She knows he's not the one for her, but she's having fun. I've been down that road several times and told myself that it's ok. The problem now is that I feel like I just wasted time with those guys. I mean, it was fun and maybe I learned something but in the end, the break-ups were too damn hard. Getting over a guy takes me so long that in the end I need double if not triple the amount of time I was in the relationship to get over it.

So where does that leave me? Trying not to be attached to anyone. Trying not to get too close that I could get hurt. But in the end, love is about vulnerability. You have to submit yourself to being a bit vulnerable, or you'll never be able to truly be in love. So I guess I won't let myself fall in love again until the guy is roped in first. After all, why should I have to get hurt first?

-M