Old Horsetail Snake

Here's one of those fine cartoons done by my buddy Sim, at Plutos the Bubblemans. You should visit him often, for he has a great turn of mind, cartoonish-wise.

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A fella reports to me how everyone seems to be concentrating on the problems we're having in this country lately -- illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida.

So he goes on to say that he concentrates, too, and has the solutions:

1. We dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
2. We use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans.
3. We put the Florida alligators in the moat.

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And from my buddy Vicki:

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large piece of property for many years. He had a large pond in the back, that he had surrouonded with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there in some time. He grabbed a five-gallong bucket to bring back some apples and peaches. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket over his head, he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

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My favorite word today is memory. N., you must remember this, a kiss is just a kiss. Def.: What you forget with.

For the record, Bernadette and Mamacita, I have indeed read H*y*m*a*n K*a*p*l*a*n. Great yarn about a Muslim who's holed up in a San Francisco gay bar, as I recall.

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LOUD SEX: A wife goes in to see a therapist and says, "I've got a big problem. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."

The therapist says, "My dear, that's completely normal. I don't see what the problem is."

The lady responds, "The problem is, it wakes me up!"

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QUIET SEX: Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She: "You're never home."

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WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here lies my wife -- cold as ever.'"

"Yeah," she replies, "and when you die I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here lies my husband -- stiff at last.'"

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WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX: Her husband came home with a tube of K-Y Jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, she squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

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My favorite phrase today is perfect lover. N., nibble, nibble. Def.: What turns into a pizza at 4 a.m.

I think that I have at least three regular readers who are teachers. And they are not just grading comes lately. They are: REAL TEACHERS.

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Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Costco.

Real teachers will eat anything left in the teachers' lounge.

Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks. Grading in church is permissible.

Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas.

Real teachers cheer when they learn that April 1 does not fall on a school day.

Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders.

Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will appear at an open house.

Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a valentine.

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My favorite word today is fragrance. N., how sweet it is. Def.: What always remains in the hand that bestows the rose.

A woman is fast approaching 40 years of age and is without a partner. This situation has her rather depressed due to a long history of failed relationships. After much debate, she decides that the best thing to do is take out a personal ad in the newspaper.

"Wanted: A good lover to be my friend, one who won't beat me and won't run out on me."

After a week or so no one has responded, and she is feeling particularly depressed when the doorbell rings. She opens the front door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the front porch. Quite surprised, she asks what he wants.

He replies, "I'm responding to your ad for a good lover."

"How can that be?" she inquires. "You have no arms or legs."

"I have no arms so I can't beat you and I have no legs so I can't run out on you," he said.

"What about being a good lover?"

"I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

(Do you remember this guy's name? It was Matt.)

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I saw a little squib the other day that invited you to find out how many people share your name. There are 43,495 Lowells (my real name), 1,720 Maudlins (my realer name); but there are no other Lowell Maudlins. I am unique!! Hoo boy.

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Want some down-home country fighting 'tween Hillary and Condi Rice? Here you go.

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A doctor said to a little old man, "You're going to live to be 60."

The man replies, "I AM 60!"

The doctor: "What did I tell you." --Henny Youngman.

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My favorite phrase today is income tax returns. N., move that decimal over to the left. Def.: The most imaginative fiction being written today. --Herman Wouk.

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and tells the bartender: "Gimme me a beer -- and how about one for the road?"

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My buddy Vicki has sent me a swell story, for which I am thankin' her mightily:

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find trwo grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," says one trooper.

"Tell me! Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other, and finally one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 25-pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

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My favorite word today is seasons. N., what you put on your beef. Def.: There are two of these in Oregon: rainy....and wet.

Following are what are purported to be actual notes made on hospital charts. If this is apocryphal, I'm not sorry.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive, but without permission.

Healthy appearing, decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

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My favorite word today is knowledge. N., Wikipedia memorized. Def.: The only things worth learning are the things you learn after you know it all. --Harry Truman.

I started this here b**g two years and two days ago. I hope those of you who have dropped by from time to time feel properly educated, because of course that was what I had planned. For instance, you now know when to write "So it goes." And you are buddies with Feelgood Haines. And you have contributed ever so mightily to my schemes plans to get rich ("Vivien Sleigh, Clark Goble and the Steamboat to Nowhere" -- a book ("Gone With the Wind and the Rain") stolen by the Chinese).

Speakin' of which (how to get rich), here is Mr. Frosty, which I managed to whip up yesterday morning. I figure this picture will be converted into a Xmas (Season's Greetings?) card, which will be way popularized. I don't know whether to sell this to Whitman's Sampler, Hallmark or Mad Magazine. One way or t'other, I figure it will get me enough dough for my resusitory trip to Outer Space.

(Oh. It snowed about 3 inches, but it was plenty good enough for making snowballs and Mr. Frosties.)

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If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

Foods that are frozen have no calorites, because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream and frozen pies.

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Hoss found another swell link that will be enjoyed by cat lovers, of which I am one or two. You may go here to see what it's all about. Takes only about 8 seconds, so step right up.

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My favorite phrase today is "I must remember this..." N., "a kiss is just a kiss...." Def.: The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.

Following a link I got from my buddy Vicki took me to the (old) Boss, who sings while we look at some comedians at work. This is a VERY GOOD piece, about 4 minutes long. So you go here and I will not write so much that you will have to spend all day with me.

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The spinster's prayer: Dear God, if you can't make me young, give all my friends wrinkles.

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What if they gave a war and nobody profited?

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Okay, one more trip for you. To see an Amazing Shadow Trick click that link. Amazed me, might amaze you.

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My favorite phrase today is old age (again). N., crinkled and wrinkled. Def.: When it dawns upon you that you, too, are biodegradable.

New mints come in two different varieties. Ones with Bush on the cover are sold as "embarrassmints." Ones with the whole Bush cabinet on it are sold as "indictimints."

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The employee is making love to the boss's wife.

"Kiss me! Kiss me!" she cries.

"I can't," said he. "I shouldn't even be doing this."

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A black goes to this psychiatrist. The psychiatrist says, "First, drop to your hands and knees and crawl to that wall over there." The black complies, and the doc says, "Kind of nice." Then he says, "Now, crawl to this wall over here." The black complies once again, and the doc says, "That's even better. Finally," says the psychiatrist, "crawl to that lamp over there." The black patient complies, and the psychiatrist says, "That would work, too."

The black stands up and says, "How is this going to help me, doc?"

"Oh, it won't help you," says the psychiatrist. "But I've got a black naugahyde couch coming in and I wanted to see where it looks best."

(I KNOW it's outrageous, but I couldn't resist. All in fun, see.)

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From the "Police Reports" section of our local weekly: "A men's pinky ring, reported lost on Dec. 28, possibly at Shari's Restaurant. A couple reported that they got home after dining out and realized it was missing from the man's pinky."

(This is when newspaper reporters pick up on police jargon.)

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My favorite word today is feathers. N., well I'll be flocked. Def.: This tickles me.

When the big-wigs transfer their slogans outside the U.S., it sometimes don't work out. No sirree. For instance, Pepsi took its slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi generation" to Taiwan, and saw it instantly translated as "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the dead." And KFC took "Finger-lickin' good" to China, where it became "Eat your fingers off."

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Sign in Ballindaloch, Scotland: "BEWARE. Free range children. SLOW."

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President Lincoln, unlike me, believed in God. But he had his doubts about invoking God to be on his side in the Great War.

"In great contests, each party claims to act in accordance with the will of God," he said. "Both may be, and one must be, wrong."

You can take that to your friendly jihad meeting.

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A Jewish debtor, called in for an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."

He asked the same thing of his lawyer, but got opposite advice. "Do not let them intimiate you," he advised. "Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

The rabbi answered: "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

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My favorite word today is uglified. Adj., short version of uglification. Def.: The kind of facial experession it is impossible to achieve except when you're posing for a passport photo.

Things are gonna be differmence in 2029, when I will be 99 and be the last person in the United States to get Social Security. For instance, we will find that ozone created by electric cars will be killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia (formerly known as California). White minorities will still be trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's second language.

A baby will be conceived naturally, stumping the scientists.

The Supreme Court will be asked to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

France is taken over by Jamaica, appeals for help from the UN. UN Secretary-General Sidney Plotz of Jamaica says, "So?"

Castro dies at age 112. Cuban cigars now are legal in the U.S., but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Postal Service raises price of first-class stamp to $13.49 and reduces deliveries to Wednesday only.

Results of an 85-year, 75.8-billion study: Diet and Exercise are keys to weight loss!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

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Two businessmen are at the urinals. The first one says, "I'm going home for the day. Take care. You have a good one."

And the second one says, "Thanks. I didn't know you were looking."

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My favorite word today is groupie. N., chasing Johnny Mathis? Def.: A big, friendly fish.

It has been awhile since I touted you to invest in my latest money-making scheme. I have been stalling because I needed to wait for a new tax year. (My last idea made a lot of money, but Uncle Sam got most of it so I am once again in the "needy" class.)

So now then, loosen up your grip on your money jar because you will want to get a piece of this action, known hereafter as Ol' Hoss's Day-Glowed Ad Works. Which should tip you right off that this is another of my winners. And so's you know what you're gettin' into, I'll give you the company highlights:

We are going to do what Google is doing, only without a computer. Tah-rah-de-boom-te-ay: We will be putting ads on hearses (you can credit this one to Gerald Ford). Can't you just imagine the free TV time we would have got from an ad on Ford's hearse? (Think of it! We could sell a lot of tapes by advertising some tie-in music such as "Goin' Down the Road Feelin' Bad." Or we coulda advertised our own reincarnation business -- "Lassie Come Home.")

Serious, I think the TV gave more time to that hearse than they did to OJ's slow trip in a Bronco to some gloves that didn't fit. If we coulda got the Marlboro Man on the side of that Ford hearse we'd never have to work again in our lifetimes. (Well, maybe YOU wouldn't have to work again. But since I am not planning to die I might have to figure out something.)

Anyway, somebody dies every day, and if we get our ads on all the hearses that will put us in the Forbes List of 100 Billionaires, maybe as high as No. 10. Shares in my new company will be available soon. (Not all of them, of course. I have to keep some on hand to grant myself some backdated stock options. Us rich people didn't get rich by accident, you know.)

I don't think Ford would be offended by this. He WAS a Republican, you know. And jeeze, he would have loved the tie-in potential: "Ford Signals the Death Knell for the Taurus."

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My favorite word today is dilemma. Def.:

Perched in my shorts on the edge of the bed,
With a shoe in my hand and my teeth in a cup,
I'm looking for clues, so I won't have to ask:
Am I going to bed now or just getting up?

Somebody, I say somebody, sent me alink for a beauteous piece of magic, an amazingly quick change of clothes. I recommend you go see it here.

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For as long as I can remember, I have had amnesia.

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To set the parameters for the class, the professor began by asking some questions.

To a female student: "What is the opposite of joy?"

Student: "That would be sadness."

To another female student: "What is the opposite of depression?"

Student: "That is elation."

To a male student: "And you, young man, what is the opposite of woe?"

Student: "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

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So husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

The husband and the blind man decide to walk. After awhile, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

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My favorite word (again) today is old. N., as your skin turns into leather. Def.: When an attractive girl sits down next to an ancient male and asks, "Is this your good ear?"

A baby penguin walks into a bar, and says to the bartender:

"Have you seen my Dad?"

"What's he look like?"

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The year is 2222. Mike and Maureen have accumulated a bunch of frequent flier miles, and they land on Mars, stuffing Santa on the way there, as you see.They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" she asks.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member -- about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he says. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she responds, "it's just not long enough to reach me."

"No problem," he says, and he proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap his member grows until it is impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's pretty impressive, but it looks like a long pencil; it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow," she exclaims, and they fall into bed and have mad, passionate sex. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," Maureen says, "but it was damn good. How about you?"

"It was horrible," Mike says. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

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My favorite word today is old. Adj., older than dirt. Def.: When you can't find your glasses without your glasses.

My buddy Susie is this month's winner of a "Perfect Post" for her swear-word-laden offering of Dec. 4, which you will find here. Hold onto your funny bone. "Perfect Post" is the brainchild of Momma K and Lucinda. You can go see them, too.


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And the start of the month would be nothin' without a rabbit. You remember how to do this? You say Rabbit! Rabbit! at the first of each month and you will have good luck all month long. For instance, my computer was only down 5 days during December, which is pretty good considering it could have been down for 6.
I sure hope you're treating your rabbit right, like this one. This stuff is lots better than hay.

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A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items:

Nurse: How much do you weigh?

Woman: 115.

The nurse puts her on the scale and it registers 160.

Nurse: Your height?

Woman: 5-feet-8.

The nurse checks and sees she is only 5-4.

She then checks the woman's blood pressure, and tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!

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My favorite word today is closet. N., boy it's dark in there. Def.: Where you store your clothes, not where you come out of.