Old Horsetail Snake

Nine Dangerous Words Women Use

Fine. This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes. If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing. This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin in Nothing usually end in Fine.

Go Ahead. This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!!

Loud Sigh. This is not quite a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about Nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.)

That's Okay. This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's Okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks. Don't read anything into this. Do not question it. Do not faint. Just say, "You're welcome." Sometimes that works.

Whatever. V., meaning screw you!

Don't Worry About It; I Got It. This is something a woman has told a man to do several times but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to #3.

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My favorite word today is laptop. N., someplace to put the computer? Def.: Where the kittie naps.

This signboard may have well been written by Mrs. Sonia Phillip Ansary.

Whom, you asked, is Mrs. Sonia Phillip Ansary? Why she is the one who is going to make me richness. See, she wrote me a letter which I can share with you:

"I am Mrs. Sonia Phillip Ansary (see, I wasn't lying), a natinality of Sierre Leone, but writen you from madrid in Spain (I am glad it is not the madrid in Japan). I happily married to late Mr. P. Ansary, we were both married for 7 years without a child, and he died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days (I suspect some people who are offed by their wives don't even last that long.).

"My late husband was a Gold and Diamond marchant based in West Africa, before he died he has sum of $23M (Twenty Three Million United States Dollars), in a depository box he deposited as a consignment in one of the security firm in Benin Republic under my name. (Only make deposits in a depository account. Use something else for withdrawals.)

"Presently am diagnosed with cancer of the breast (which one, for God's sake! I may have a preference.), and am writen you from my sick bed in one of the hospital in Spain where am undergoing surgical operation, and due to my health condition am unable to carry out the funds relocate myself.

"I seek for your help to make the change of ownership of the depository box containing the funds ($23M) to your favour, and relocate to your care in your country/resident state for joint partnership in the investment of the funds in a lucrative business (can't we just get by on the $23 million?), after my recovering from the break cancer surgical operation I shall join you for the investment project.

"I offer you 15% of the total sum for your honorarium assistance, while we have joint partnership in the investment of 85% of the sum. If you have accepted to assist me, urgently contact me for more detail to proceed on this business without delays (I hope you have more than four days.).

"Thank you and remain bless."

My question is: Should I go on a spending spree now, or wait till she relocates?

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Gee golly whiz! I never knew flashers could be good for us. But it's true. Go see the lady get her purse back, here.

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My favorite phrase today is show and tell. N., is not always a child's game. Def.: What we don't do unless we're in Vegas.

Time for some cuteness:

Melanie (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

Steven, 3, hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

Brittany, 4, had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?"

Marc, 4, was engrossed by a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

James, 4, was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"

Susan, 5, was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this again," she said. "It makes my teeth cough."

Tammy, 4, was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

Debra, 5, was in church with her mother. The minister was speaking: "Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust." Debra leaned over to her mom and asked quite audibly in her shrill five-year-old voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

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Sometimes a copy machine can be a smartass. Go here to see.

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My favorite word today is Windows. N., when XP transmorgrifies into Vista. Def.: What to shut when it's cold outside.

Here's a headline from my computer's Home Page: "Cancer Care Seeks to Take Patients Beyond Survival." Some cure; beyond survival is dead.

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Recently the Washington Post asked its readers to come up with amusing analogies:

"His heart sank like a rowboat made of fish sticks."

"His eyes were a deep blue, like the color someone's lips turn when he's had a heart attack in the airport, just before he ges hit with the automatic external defibrillators."

"As usual, Larry King's questioning was anything but tough -- it was like trying to stone a heretic with Peeps."

"There was something about him that just screamed money, as if he'd trained a myna bird to fly around him screaming "money."

"She was jumping up and down laughing hysterically, like a hyena duct-taped to a kangaroo."

"His mustache looked like a fuzzy caterpillar seeking shade under a big nose."

"The news hit hard, like a stack of Washington Posts thrown from a moving truck -- in fact exactly like that."

"Her pushed-up cleavage reminded him of two Charlie Brown heads."

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Want to see a great fake-out move? Go here.

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Why We Split Up

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore, and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65 on makeup, $150 for a cut and curl, $30 for a manicure, $40 for a pedicure, $50 on vitamins, $300 on clothes, and $600 for a gym membership.

I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed these things to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

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My favorite word today is yawn. N., been there, done that. Def.: Technical name for the third take of an orgasm scene during the making of a porno film.

This clipping (you will need to click on it to make it bigger) is apropos of something: My girl friend, former wife Scamp. See, we have His and Her TVs, so she came roaring in from visiting Hers.

"Gene, Gene, you missed this!" she emphatically announced. "They've found (this is the ubiquitous 'they') that Viagra will reduce jet lag 40 percent. They checked hamsters for this and it's true. I wonder where they got the hamsters?" (Ans: See the news clip above.)

Not finished, she announces "Oh, that reminds me. There is this guy (the ubiquitous guy) who has spent 20 years training mice to ride surfboards. He makes waves in this little tank about 12 inches deep and they ride and ride, all day."

"What," I ask, "does this scientist hope to prove?"

"Prove?" Scamp asks. "Isn't it obvious? Mice can ride surfboards. Boy, you are thick."

She turns to go, but rebounds. "One other thing. Somebody had some rats in a lab and when the testing was done they had all these rats left over and didn't know what to do with them."

"So," I said, "probably they drowned them. That's a pretty nice way to go, I'm told."

"Oh, no. Don't be silly," she said. "There was this lady (ubiquitous, again) who knew all about rats and she took them home and they run all over the house. She even sleeps with them."

"Is that it?" I asked. "Can I now watch the rest of the ball game?"

"So watch," she responded. "I guess you don't want to know about what happens when she feeds them some Viagra."

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My favorite word today is commencemint. N., who was summa cum lousy? Def.: An event at which green creme de menthe is served.

Last weekend (5/18-20) Scamp and I headed over the Cascade Mountains to Bend (165 m.) to see Dick (bro) and Ann (SIL). And we (8) good, and downed lots of (xxx).

Okay, enough of that. While there my bro (Dick) showed me this benchmark he lifted when the Pilot Butte Inn was torn down about 100 years ago (25?). I don't know if you can read it, but it says you get fined $250 or go to jail (imprisonment) if you move this thing. My brother has moved it lots since he rescued it from the second concrete step of the Pilot Butte Inn. I think it's okay to tell you about this, 'cause I know you wouldn't tell nobody.

This marker says the elevation of Bend at that point is 3,628 feet. Of course, it's not there anymore, so I don't know what its present elevation is.

By the way, the purpose of this benchmark is to be a benchmark. It helps them know where to put the other benches.

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When did I last show you Ellen DeGeneres chasing a ball? I think it was....No, wait. It was Ellen DeGeneres showing a dog chasing a ball, that's what it was. Pretty funny, too, so go here to see that.

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You know I am a word freak, for I wrote a post just a few days ago saying I am a word freak. I read this lately: "During World War II an English lady invited three Polish flyers from the nearby RAF aerodrome over for tea. She asked the first officer if he was married. When he replied affirmatively, she asked if they had any children. 'No, we cannot; my wife is impregnable.' The second officer said, 'No, his English is not so good. He means his wife is unbearable.' The third officer said, 'No, no. Both English no good. He means his wife is inconceivable.'"

And this: "Last night at Carnegie Hall, the Prague String Quartet played Mozart. Mozart lost."

Which reminded me of a review I wrote of a play during my newspaper days. The play was, as I recall, "The Time of Your Life." My review: "It wasn't."

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My favorite word today is pithy. N., meat of the coconut. Def.: How the harelip describes my b**g.

I see an ad in my comments section (put there by Google) for horsetail. So I clicked on it and eventually discovered that horsetail is, in one life, at least, a physical exfoliation. Hah! I think I will sell this stuff as an alternative to bikini wax. Clean up your entire hoo ha for pennies a few bucks a crack.

(Hoo ha again! I said crack!! Start saving. I'll put up an order form when I figure out how much I need to take a spaceship to someplace like Andromeda.)

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So, when you get to be middle-aged, you want to stay home, which these middle-aged women did not.

(Did I get this from you, Marti? If so, thankee.)

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Four hundred years ago, English-speaking immigrants slipped into Jamestown, Va. When will America start getting serious about protecting its borders?

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So Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Then Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,

"For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

"It was Mommy Bear who got up first. It was Mommy Bear who woke up everyone in the house. It was Mommy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mommy Bear who swept the kitchen. It was Mommy Bear who went out in the cold early morning to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mommy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mommy Bear who walked the dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their water and refilled their water bowls.

"And now you have decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mommy Bear with your grumpy presence. Listen carefully, for I am only going to say this once --

"I haven't made any f*****g porridge yet!!"

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My favorite word today is disgust. N., you cramp my style. Def.: Criticizing strong winds.

MizMell has tagged me with a meme. You know how I am about memes -- I ace 'em, that's what I do. That's because they is all about me, and I know more about me than you do.

So what this is, is I am supposed to write 8, or 5, true-or-false, stranger than fiction, oddball things about me. MizMell wrote 8, and found it was pretty hard, and so is 5. I might do 3. I might just do one and you can imagine the rest.

1. I am a bird freak. I go pretty far to see birds. I have been to three bird refuges since moving to Wilsonville. At the last one they had dog/pony show with a bald-headed eagle, a California vulture, a great horny owl and a macaw that got too big for its britches. Meanwhiles, I bought expensive binoculars which are the greatest thing since beached whale. See, they're 10x30, which makes them hard to hold on a bird. But they got this red button you press and everything in the view becomes stable. Great scott it is good.

2. I am a word freak. I guess it comes from years of reading the dictionary, the Bible and the encylopedia. None of which I've ever finished. The dictionary and encyclopedia had all the seamy stuff. For instance, when I read my local weekly it reports on thefts (bicycles, laptops, cameras, etc.) and then usually closes by saying, after police failed to find anything, "It was gone." The last issue of the paper had 11 "it was gone"s. I also have corrected spelling for some of you, so that makes me really freaky. I should keep my big nose out of your nose.

3. I have a big nose. This is not for sticking into your business; it is for wearing on my face. I think I read somewhere that when you die your ears and nose keep on growing for awhile. Might not be possible for me; the way things are going my ears are going to overlap my nose any minute now. My nose has got a lot of broken blood vessels in it, so I asked a hot-shot dermatologist if he could use a hot laser and make me pretty again. He said, "Nah." Shit.

4. My damn hip hurts. For the last year or so I have had a bad right hip. So I have had two epidurals, heat packs, cold packs, cold laser and now a steroid shot. As so many of you know, having constant pain is not the road to a fun life. I have not mentioned this before because I know how much you want me to be perfect. Well, just because my hip hurts I'm still better off than you. I have low blood pressure.

5. I care about politics. But I have not burdened you with it. There are lots of b**ggers who write about politics; for some of them, that's ALL they write about. I do have an Obama sticker on my b**g, but that's just so you who are supporting somebody else will not bother me with it. And I do post a riposte at the expense of George W. occasionally. But doesn't everybody? The reason I don't write about politics is because even if could convince you that you need to shape up and fly right, I wouldn't be able to mark your ballot for you. Scientists would say that is "too bad".

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My favorite word today is meme. N., a cultural for cults. Def.: The answer to: "Who was first in line?"

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to perform at a West Virginia inn. He's going through his usual run of stupid jokes when a guy in the audience stands on his chair and says, "I've heard enough of your denigrating West Virginia jokes."

He continues to berate the ventriloquist. "What makes you think you can stereotype us that way? It's guys like you who keep people like me from being respected nationwide, because you continue to perpetuate discrimination against West Virginia, all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the berater pipes up, "You stay out of this, Mister. I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee."

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Two blonde girls are working for the City Public Works Department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But, today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

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My favorite phrase today is hard drive. N., better use Google. Def.: Getting home in the wintertime.

When a mechanic works hard, he can pay his bills and feed his kids, no?

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I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in this line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.....

Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby, so I told her:

"No," I said. "I am starting the Purina diet once again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time -- although I had lost about 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms."

While her eyes began to bulge out of her head, I went on. "Actually, the Purina diet is really inexpensive. What you do is you load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package says the food is nutritionally complete, so I am going to try it again."

Horrified, she found her voice. "Did something in the dog food poison you and that's why you landed in the hospital?"

I said, "No. I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me."

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So a woman goes to the medical office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway. An old doctor found her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 and she has four grown children, seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and, without looking up, said "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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My favorite phrase today is log on. V., one of them nautical doohickeys. Def.: Making the stove hotter.

Here's a short test for all you smart people:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Ans.: The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator?

Ans.: Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door? Wrong answer. The correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussion of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?

Ans.: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, if you're not doing too well on this, you have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Ans.: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

(According to a consulting firm, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. This conclusively proves the theory that most professionals don't have the brains of a 4-year-old.)

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My favorite word today is chip. N., off the old block. Def.: A pasture muffin you try not to step on.

Just because I say God doesn't exist doesn't mean I have turned my back on Jesus. No, nevermore. Jesus was a hell of a carpenter and a fisherman and he knew something about oenology, too. Well-rounded guy. So consider this:

1. There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
He called everyone brother.
He liked Gospel.
He couldn't get a fair trial.

2. But, then, there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
He went into his father's business.
He lived at home until he was 33.
He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure he was God.

3. Then there are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
He talked with his hands.
He had wine with his meals.
He used olive oil.

4. And then there are 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot all the time.
He started a new religion.

5. But maybe he was an American Indian:
He was at peace with nature.
He ate a lot of fish.
He talked about the Great Spirit.

6. Then there are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
He never got married.
He was always telling stories.
He loved green pastures.

7. But the most compelling evidence of all -- 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was work to do.

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The phone rings at this hotel where a West Virginian is at the helm.

"I wanted to ask you something," said the caller. "How are the rooms appointed?"

"Well," says WVa, "six of them are appointed west, and the rest are appointed east."

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My favorite phrase today is mouse pad. N., what if it was a real mouse? Def.: Hippie talk for where a mouse lives.

Let's see....Should I get a dog...



Or adopt a couple of kids?



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This blonde (of course!) walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

Another blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special cruise. She, too, is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.

Drifting into a stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first student asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

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This guy goes to visit his doctor and says, "Doctor, my arm hurts real bad. Can you check it out, please?"

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk: "Hello, Doctor," says the arm, "could you lend me twenty dollars? I'm desperate."

The doctor says, "Aha, I see the problem! Your arm is broke."

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My favorite word today is cache. N., where Adm. Scott left some frozen seal. Def.: What you need when you run out of food stamps.

You know what happens on the first of the month, right? It's when we run a picture of a bunny and say "Rabbit! Rabbit!" Then we have good luck all month long. If you don't do this, you might get eaten by a dog.

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The first of the month is also when we announce who is our poifect posterino (Perfect Poster to you people who didn't grow up in New Joisey). Perfect Post is the brainchild of Momma K and Lucinda. They host all the monthly winners so we (you and me, bub) can honor them all with a visit.

My winner is Stacie, who has this pronounciation affliction. Please read this post and come back and tell me how belly-laughed you got.

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Have you ever heard that a dog "knows" when an earthquake is about to hit?

Have you ever heard that a dog can "sense" when a tornado is stirring up, even 20 miles away?

Do you remember hearing that, before the December tsunami struck southeast Asia, dogs started running frantically away from the seashore at breakneck speed?

I'm a firm believer that animals -- and especially dogs -- have keen insights into the Truth. And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance. Simply said, a good ol' hound dog just KNOWS when something isn't right...when impending doom is upon us...



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My favorite word today is wacked. N., loose as a goose. Def.: The final state of mind of Dubya just before the keepers come to take him to the home.