Old Horsetail Snake

Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (made in China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).

He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka), designer jeans (made in Singapore) and tennis shoes (made in South Korea).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in India), Joe sat down at his calculator (made in Mexico) to see how much he could afford to spend today. After setting his watch (made in Taiwan) to the radio (made in Indonesia), he got in his car (made in Germany), filled it with gas (from Saudi Arabia) and continued his search for a good paying job.

It seemed fruitless, so he decided to relax. Joe put on his sandals (made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (made in France), turned on his TV (made in Myanmar) and wondered why he can't find a good-paying job in America.

(No shit, Sherlock?)

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Midlife has started when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. ~Miss Cellania.

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My favorite phrase today is laughing stock. N., use a feather on 'im, Grampa! Def.: What you call cattle with a sense of humor.

Two days ago was my 700th post. Hot damn. And I got at least two more in me.

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Smarts. That's what that does.

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Holey Moley! Let's go fishing in the flight path.

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All the problems we face in the U.S. today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian. ~Pat Paulsen

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Where you work ought to say something about what you do in life. For instance, in Grapevine, Texas, you wanna be a gossip columnist. And in Fairbanks, Alaska, you wanna be a loan officer.

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The other day, Karen, of Jersey Tomatas, called me a "mensch". I was all ready to feel insulted, of course (you know how I can get in an instant umbrage), but I held my fire and probed deeplier. She did this in the course of lifting from my b**g, when she asked her readers to check me out. "Now I know," she wrote, "where all the mensches went."

Later on she offered this: "For those who need it, a mensch is someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character. The key to being 'a real mensch' is nothing less than character, rectitude, dignity, a sense of what is right, responsible, decorous."

I ain't taking none of this to my head. But I do love being decorated.

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Whatta you suppose got into Pinky, who was this animal farm's Cat of the Week? I think he is blowing his chances of getting adopted. Go here, to where it hurts.

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My favorite word today is irritainment. N., hits me right where it itches. Def.: Entertainment and media spectacles (American Idol, Paris Hilton) that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

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(* I don't know what this means, either. But it has a nice zing to it.)

Yes, I mean everybody. Some of us seem to have more bad days than others, though. Take, for instance, ol' Dubya.

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I am told that this makes your computer run faster. I wouldn't know: I don't have a dog.

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A b**g buddy of mine last posted in January. I have been checking on her site almost every day, religious-like. Finally I got an email saying she's back in business. If you know her, you know her as The Purple Lady. If you would like to visit and re-up with her, she's J & J's Mom.

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Here's something I stole from Miss Cellania, who stole it from somebody else. It's pretty cute:

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.

Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the king protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Crosus replied: "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

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My favorite word today is generica. N., just things, in general. Def.: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

The Washington Post recently asked readers to merge two or more companies or products into a new firm or product. Here are some:

"Goodyear, Best Buy, FluMist, Hershey's and Lay's merge to create GoodBuyMistHerChips"

"Hair Club for Men and Brunswick Billiards merge to create Ruggies, a line of disposable toupees"

"Bridgestone tires, Honda motors, River Island clothing and Kauai coffee merge and become BridgeHondaRiverKauai"

"DeBeers, Indianapolis Motor Speedway Corp. and Frigidaire merge into DeBeersIndyFridge"

"Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers merge and become PolyWarnerCracker"

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Several surgeons are discussing which kind of person they prefer to operate on:

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second surgeon responds, "But you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in. "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

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My favorite word today is examination. N., what is the passing grade? Def.: Trying to determine whether the hair clinging to the bathtub overflow is yours, or his.

Talk about futility. Somebody wrote 101 ideas for a b**g, and left poor Sudiegirl to show it to us. I think whoever wrote that list was desperate indeed. For instance, here are some of the ideas:

"Make a post that is inspirational." (Lots of opportunity here -- Mother's Day, Flag Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, your birthday, your Mom's birthday.... Do this some day when you're feeling inspired. Ho ho.)

"Write a funny post." (Holy shit!! You just sit right down there and be funny. Really easy, pal.)

"Create a huge list of your best posts." (But what if all of them are pretty crappy?)

"Post a picture that speaks 1,000 words." (And then write 1,000 words explaining your lens stop.)

"Create a post that incorporates the words 'desperate' and 'futile.'" (Been there; done that.)

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Speaking of inspirational, go check out Great Britain's version of American Idol. Winner of their most recent competition sings opera for Christ's sake! You would have voted for him too. For a peek, please visit Paul Potts. And if you liked that performance of his in the semifinal, which you did, you can catch him in the finals at Britain's Got Talent. Simon Cowell fans can catch Simon being nice.

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A new study just released by the American Psychiatric Assocation is about women and how they feel about their butts.

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their butt is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their butt is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him, he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

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A Frenchman with a parrot perched on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty nice. Where'd you get him?"

"In France," the parrot says. "They've got millions of 'em."

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My favorite word today is artist. N., with both ears left. Def.: Someone who tends to give you the brush.

Ma came in the house and yelled, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse." He says, "There ain't nothin' wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is! Now get out there and fix it!"

So Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around, and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nothin' wrong with the outhouse!" She replied, "Stick yer head in the hole." To which Pa responded, "I ain't stickin' my head in the hole." But she insists: "You gotta stick yer head in the hole to see what's wrong."

So now, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around, and yells to Ma, "There ain't nothin' wrong with this outhouse, I tell ya." "Now," she yells back, "take yer head outta the hole!"

Pat proceeds to back out of the hole, but then starts yellin', "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?"

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Big Ernie addresses Al Gore first. "Al, what do you believe?"

Gore replies: "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was Your will that I not serve. And I've come to understand that now."

Ernie thinks for a minute and says, "I admire your humility. Come sit at my left."

Big Ern then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe?"

Clinton replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."

Ernie thinks this over, then says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come sit at my right."

And then Big Ernie calls on George W. Bush. "George, what do you believe?"

Bush says, "I believe you're in my chair."

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My favorite word today is intaxication. Adj., oh giddy hoo ho. Def.: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Here be some lovely pictures with odd quotes. Enjoy.










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My favorite word today is adult. N., one of those things that likes Hoss's b**g. Def.: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.

The government today announced that it is changing the country's emblem from a Bald-Headed Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. It does not eat carrion. They got Cheney for that.

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I have been much too nice to you women of late. Not that you don't deserve it, but still.... So, this little cartoon and this little story:A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife: "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer before it starts."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer anyway. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, get me another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed, and said, "Oh, shit. It started."

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My favorite word today is shuffle. Adj., "Walk like this." Def.: An awkward walk used by two people in a hurry accidentally getting into the same segment of a revolving door.

At first, I thought this was a picture of the star of this piece, Jimmy Whetlip. But maybe it isn't...

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A b**gger friend of mine was doing some reminisce t'other day and had come across an old entry of mine which she thought was pretty good. And so it was:

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Jimmy Whetlip is sort of new here in The Manor of the Old Folks Bred, so I don't know much about him. I DO know he's one of those exacting kinds of guys -- you know, "My piece of pie is littler than his piece of pie." "My room is one square foot less than you advertised."

So it didn't surprise me none to see him parked at the gas pumps arguing with the attendant. I parked at another pump and went over to see what was the hassle.

Jimmy to the Attendant: "No, I want exact change."

Attendant: "I can't make exact change. The U.S. Mint did not make any mills yet."

Hoss: "Hi, Jimmy, S-up?"

Jimmy: "I drove in here and asked for exactly one gallon of gasoline, which costs $2.89 9/10. I am offering him full price when he can make change."

Hoss: "Uh, Jimmy, there ain't no one-mill coins.'

Jimmy: "Then how come they advertise in mills? Nine/tenths is nine mills. Ten mills is a penny. I want what's mine, and what I want is one mill in change. And I'm going to sit here till I get it."

Well, you know what happened after that. More of us came to realize he was In the Right, and we all ordered one gallon of gas, just on principle. So, at first there was a hot dog stand. Then a full-blown 7-11 store came in. Starbucks built on the corner, a bank came in, a bed and breakfast, GI Joe's with their sleeping bags, a mattress store, a dirty book store, hookers, drifters, crackheads and cops -- pretty soon it was just a normal American neighborhood.

My car's still down there. I notice the service station attendant is getting a little long in the tooth.

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My favorite word today is pomeranian. N., animal about the size of a rat. Def.: A small dog that resembles a throw rug and appears to be dead.

While I am not doing nuthin', I am substituting for my pal Raggedy, who is in a world of hurt with something they're calling "spinal headaches." She cannot sit up for more than 10 minutes at a time or she gets the excruciating kind of bad head. And I am not the only sub. So if you get a chance, run over there and see and leave a few kind words.

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A guy is driving around Tennessee (where also lives my buddy, Janie,) and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." So he rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes there and sees a Labrador Retriever.

He asks the dog, "Do you talk?"

"Yes I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help my government, so I told the CIA about my gift and, in no time, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

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My favorite word today is ant. N., nit one, purl two. Def.: A small insect, though always at work, that still finds time to go to picnics.

You know about WD-40, right? The Duct Tape of the shiny world? Here's one thing I didn't know:

"Keeps flies off cows." (Now all I need is a cow. And a tube of WD-40, I guess.)

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Two days of 86 degrees and it's not even July yet. So, topfive.com gives us some songs about global warming:

"I Want to Scald Your Land"

"The Ballad of George and Kyoto"

"Dry Me a River"

"(I Can't Get No) Fridgeration"

"Brown, Brown Grass of Home"

"Fry Like an Eagle"

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So this guy fills his car with gas at a self-service station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

He thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road. He figured even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," the man thought. "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better, because it locks....."

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My favorite word today is port. N., surely this is about computers, right? Def.: Fancy schmancie Spanish wine.

In my last post I appear to have mystified some of you. Frinstance, couple people said they had never heard of Walnettos (boo! hiss!). Here are a couple of pictures of a Walnetto in action and out of action. Picture on the left shows real Walnettos, which were chocolate covered caramels with crushed walnuts. (You can still get 'em. Just go Google.)

The picture on the right is from the old Rowan and Martin Laugh-in Comedy of sometime in the 1960's (maybe 70's?). The fella on the ground is Arte Johnson, who regularly would sidle up to Ruth Buzzi and say, "Want a walnetto?" She then would pummel Arte with her purse.

I hope you all got that straight. There will be a test next week.

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And I stuck some people with my thing-that's-shaped-sorta-like-a-pear-that's-green-inside-but-isn't-avocado. Surely I thought everyone knew that this is guacamole, which I could eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Vicki got it right and then wondered if maybe I mean guava jelly. C'mon, Vicki, be a princess. I don't know what guavas is (are?). Guacamole is made of mashed avocado, chopped green onion, chopped jalapeno and chopped tomatoes.

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Miz Mell wanted me to put up a picture of my tomatoes. This is because I challenged her to a tomato-growing contest. She has tomatoes bigger than a dinosaur coprolite. I am still waiting for my first tomato flower. Is it time for me to declare I won this contest? (How was I to know she lived in some damn hothouse?)

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A guy walks into a doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear. The doctor says, "That looks nasty." "Nasty!" replies the man. "This is just the tip of the iceberg."

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My favorite word today is ptarmigan. N., what feeds foxes. Def.: A pkind of pbird.

"
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me." --
Alice Roosevelt Longworth.

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Acton Bell, she of the Pez Family, hit me with a meme (and for those of you not imbued with an implanted dictionary, a "meme" is "a unit of cultural information"). I will do it, but I will not ask anybody else to do it because after I am finished there will be nothing left to say.

What were you doing 10 years ago?" Now, right there is where Acton Bell has got it all wrong. You do not ever ask a guy who is 76 what he was doing when he was 66. You will not get any information, because the 76-year-old (me) is just likely to say, "Damned if I know. Same thing I was doing 20 years ago, I guess." So it goes.(Pushy broad.)

What were you doing 1 year ago? More history. Screw that.

What five snacks do you enjoy? Now we're in business. The best five snacks ever are Walnettos, Pork and Beans, Vienna Sausage, Red Hots, and that stuff you make out of the thing that sort of looks like pears but is soft and green inside whose name is not avocados. Don't attack this list in the comments. Old people know what's right.

Name five songs to which you know all the lyrics. Ho ho har de har har. Chortle, giggle and gag. I know the lyrics to EXACTLY ONE song, and it is "Take an Old Cold Tater and Wait". You never heard of it. I do get a kick out of Kenny Rogers, though. Also Roy Rogers.

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire. I hate you people who are holding me back. As long as you are giving me fictional money, make it a lot; something like 5 bazillion. Then I'd give it all to poor people so they can start over. In about 20 years, the rich people will have it, and the poor will be poor again. This is known as "the American Way."

Name your five worst habits. 1. Taking a meme hit from Acton Bell. Scientists say this is "too bad." 2. I dunno. 3. Hmmmm.... 4. This is really hard to do..... 5. Giving money to poor people.

Name five things you like doing. 1. I like it when you visit my b**g. Then I know you are still interested in educating yourself. 2. I like it when I visit your b**g. Then I see how much help you need. 3. Sleeping. 4. Getting up. 5. Booze-books-birds-travel-hugs from Scamp. (Did I mention sleeping and getting up?)

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My favorite word today is net. N., be sure to learn your Boy Scout knots. Holes tied together with string.

Okay, just....whoa!...easy now...damn that hurts....Quit pulling!.....WTF?..... Buttwipe...

See, what you do is, on the first of the month you run a picture of a rabbit in distress and all the month you will have good luck. According to the Pez family of B**ggers, anyway. But I think it works: I am the luckiest man in the universe, having landed with my once wife, Scamp.

(I'm not sure the rabbit has to be in distress. But, what the hey?)

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The First of the Month also calls for posting the winner of a Perfect Post award. This was invented by Momma K and Lucinda to reward "extra effort" by people who write so purty.

This month, my Perfect Poster is, once again, a humorist, who can be found at Holtie's House. He tells a tale about a pregnancy and a "middle wife". Go enjoy.

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Now, then: A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover Southern California's wildfires last year. The smoke from the fires was so thick that taking pictures from ground level was impossible. So he got permission from his boss to charter a flight so he could take photos from the air.

He called the Local County Airport to charter a flight. He was told a single-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and then shouted "Let's go!"

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded, "and I need to get some closeup shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, then finally stammered, "So, what you're telling me is, you're NOT my flight instructor?"

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My favorite word today is reboot. N., something about computers, right? Def.: What you do at 2 a.m. when you have to get up to go to the outhouse.