Old Horsetail Snake

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital and timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name of the patient, and the room number?"

The grandmother, in a weak, tremulous voice, said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news! Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That is so wonderful! God bless you for the good news."

The operator said, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one around here tells me shit."

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Sometimes good stunts work out; sometimes they don't. You can be the judge of this one, where a young lad is attempting to scare his kid sister.

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Mother Superior called the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God!," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of peaches."

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, then running into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of the stairs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery."

The husband said, "Oh, my God! What should I pack? Beach stuff? Mountain stuff? Golf stuff?"

It doesn't matter," she says. "Just get out."

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My favorite word today is debate. N., I smell something. Def.: What fish in schools are looking for.

Chelsea Clinton recently discussed current events with a U.S. soldier.


She asked if, as an American fighting man, anything scared him. He told her there were only three things that he feared:








3) And Yo Momma



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Ho ho har de har har. I love this work.

Meanwhile, not many of you (none, actually) know that I am a client of Hospice. If you don't know what Hospice is, I will give you a short version. This organization cares for the ill who have six months, or less, to live. This is a neat deal. Hospice prescribes some medicine that gives me comfort, and I (my helpmate, Scamp) goes to get it and it's free. Free is a very good price.

If you haven't been here when I was complaining, what I am dying of is COPD, a pulmonary disease brought on by 55 years of smoking. Howsomeever, I am not complaining much, because I think the doctors who think I am going to die in six months are off by, oh, six years.

There is a problem with this. If I don't die in six months, they might quit giving me the free medicine. This is a woe-maker, because some of this stuff costs more than $100 a month. And I don't get a lot of $100s a month each month.

So I guess the question is: Should I die before the money runs out?

The answer: Hell, no. Don't die at all!!

This is where it stands.

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My favorite word today is death. N., the last part of the bell curve. Def.: Something men do before their wives because they want to. (Ho ho har de har har de har de har har. I crack myself up.)

I am here in Northeast Oregon, spyin' the grounds. Kid Relish* is over yonder, about 45 degrees and 500 (700?) feet away. What we're spyin' is she-wolves.

First, though, we have to consider the enviro: It is f**king cold. And I don't know how I am gonna get out of bein' cold without shuckin' out some blankets. So, I do. Except Kid Relish doesn't. He just stays more or less bare-ass naked. Which brings us back to where it all began. If anybody cares. Try this:

Some yahoo decided to reintroduce wolves into the Yewnited States, over in Yellowstone, where they had been shot out of. So they did, and, wolves being wolves, they made more wolves, and these wolves started migratin' here and there and first thing you know they is in Oregon.

Kid Relish then called Ol' Hoss and says: "Wanna shoot some wolves?"

So, shit, as they say: We are up to our armpits in quandaries: Shoot wolves? I have never seen a wolf, much less drawed down on one. So, I said, "Sure."

We get some snowshoes and some .30-.06 rifles and head out to Northeast Oregon.

Wasted trip. Oh, we got out there okay, but it still was a bust. First wolves we saw ate Kid Relish and I didn't stick around to see who got his snowshoes. So it goes.

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My doctor wanted me to take these pills made out of seashells. Abalone; mother of pearl; nacre; all that shit. Said it would be good for calcifying my boners bones.

So I did. Now I am pissing pearls. Kid Relish (somehow he got away) says he'll make me a tiara, which would be fine except I ain't no girlie girlie. No, not me. I shoot wolves, remember? Real he-fella.

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My favorite word today is adult. N., at least 18, maybe 21. Def.: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

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(*Kid Relish was invented by Latigo Flint, a b**gger who has disappeared from view, and we are all poorer for it.)

Here's what happens when your favorite chef is about to nod off from lack of a challenge. So if you don't want to see him toying with the grub, come up with something interesting, like, order Haggis.









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Dog For Sale

Free to Good Home......Excellent Guard Dog

Owner cannot afford to keep him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

Most of them knew him as "Holy Shit!!"



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My favorite word today is change. N., when they gonna get rid of them pennies? Def.: Inevitable, except from a vending machine.

When Dubya responds, he doesn't necessarily mean it. Right?

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This friend has a Dad in a nursing home, suffering from Alzheimer's. So he tries to cheer him up:

"Hey, Dad, Easter is coming up. Ain't that swell? You'll be able to hide your own eggs."

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So this guy asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, my fiance and I would like your permission for us to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So," the guy says, "after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," says the Mullah. "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says the young man. "What about sex? Can we have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah. Sex is OK within marriage to have children."

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it."

"Doggy style?"

"Sure!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together, on rubber sheets, with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porn video?"

"You may indeed!" enthuses the Mullah.

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No," says the Mullah.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing."

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My favorite word today is egotist. N., have I told you lately about how swell I am? Def.: Someone who's usually me-deep in the conversation.

I will confess right off: I do not know how this Terrific Illusion was put together. I don't know: Maybe it isn't a trick. Maybe it's magic. I sure hope so.

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Open Letter to All Men:

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to tell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the Clubhouse so eating out again wouldn't be a good idea. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile. And, I tell her, as long as she is making one for herself to make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in tnhe way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men would find it difficult. Some would find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrated women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

S/Jim.

(Jim died suddenly on February 9 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife, Peggy, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that somehow Jim, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club while waiting for her to finish making dinner.

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My favorite word today is mosquito. N., bzz, bzz, toil and trouble. Def.: An insect that makes you like flies better.

(I am guest posting for awhile over at Tisha Sharp's place, which you find here. Never seen before stuff. Well, at least not by me.)

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I got some Clinton stuff that needs cleaning up. Good stuff, too.

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"Dear Abby:

"My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everthing. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

"Signed: Clueless:

"Dear Clueless:

"Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman! You don't need him anymore! You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States.

"Act like one."

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Bill may not have a real job. But Dave Letterman has someone much like Bill running an Escort Service.

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Hillary was sworn in as President. She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White House. She has waited several years for this.

First Night: Suddenly, the ghost of George Washington appears to her. Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch," says Hillary. "I don't know about that."

Second Night: The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears. Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

Hillary responds, "Oooo, I really don't want to do that. What do they know?"

Third Night: On the next night, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears before her. Hillary says, "How best can I serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater!"

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My favorite word today is chickens. N., stop squawking; you never had it so good. Def.: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Was that what I think it was? A TV reporter finds the fauna are not to his taste.

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The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure." The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. The Colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor if pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir," began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the Officers would have me doing it for them."

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So these two guys go out for a quiet day of fishing. Then it becomes quite a bit less quiet.

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A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to see what was wrong, a cow came along and stopped beside him.

"Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Started, trhe man jumped back and ran down the road until he met the farmer. He told the farmer his story about a talking cow.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.

"Yes!"

"Oh, then, I wouldn't listen to her," said the farmer. "Bessie doesn't know anything about cars."

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My favorite word today is toothache. N., does medical marijuana work on this? Def.: The pain that drives you to extraction.

Look, there's a woman running for President. Pictured here are some of her plans for "improvements."








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The Pope and Hillary Rods are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. Hilary and His Holiness have seen it all before, however, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every Democrat in the world go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave from her elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy. This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all the people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

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My favorite phrase today is hardened criminal. N., he knows how to finish his yeggs. Def.: A thief who falls into wet cement and breaks his leg.

Here are some entries from an art contest at the Hirshorn Modern Art Gallery in Washington DC. The rule was that the artist could only use one sheet of paper.









The Old Old Lady of the Hills actually beat me to this kind of art, and is showing the works of just one artist, Peter Callesen, of Denmark, perhaps the master in the field. Go see what Ms. Old Old has got in store for you. (This is a picture of "the Old Lady," from her site. Not so old, huh?)

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My favorite word today is blackboard. N., gimme that loving feeling: skrtch screedhct. Def.: Where the math professor goes crazy and does a number on it.

After going through a virus attack,
losing a hard drive,
fighting off hackers,
upgrading all my software,
installing fire-walls,
being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider,
and a host of other problems..
I have fixed my computer...
and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!



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"To my darling Husband,

"Before you return from your trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately, it wasn't too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

"I was coming home from Wal-Mart when I turned into the driveway. I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

"I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture of this little accident for you.

"I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

"Your loving wife,

"Heather



"P.S. Your girlfriend called."

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My favorite word today is tomorrow. N., like, manana. Def.: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield [London] Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for leaving the Beano home!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

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A grenade falls onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in linoleum blown apart.

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My favorite word today is bakers. N., it takes two to ice the cake. Def.: People who trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

When you're cropping your picture to display it on a site like My Space, you need to be careful, according to me. For persample, note the cropped picture above, how it lures you toward a seductive blonde, with nice hooters.

You'll know it was nicely cropped when you see where it came from (see below).



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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine....and those who don't.....

Ben Franklin said, "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we woulod have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli), which is bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming one kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

So: Water = Poop; Wine = Health

Remember, it is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of shit.

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Just for you, a buddy of mine has found a You Tube explanation of immigration that warns the heck out of us. He's even got Ross Perot charts to back himself up. It takes about 8 minutes to run, but it will go fast because it's quite interesting. For a peek, go here.

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That YouTube thing ties nicely into a billboard I saw, which said:

"Need Help? Call Jesus"
"1-800-005-3787"

Of of curiousity, I did indeed call.

And a Mexican showed up with a tow truck.

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My favorite word today is algebra. N., don't get tripped up on this one. Def.: What mermaids wear. (Think about it.....)

Here 'tis the Foist of the Munch, and time for Perfect Posts and Rabbits Rare.

Rabbit! Rabbit! Say this at the first of the Munch and you'll have good luck all munch long. According to the Pez Family, that is.



Now then, the awarding of the Perfect Post: My favorite for January was a belated b**g but a sensational b**g outta the typing fingers of Nikki. She has lots to say, about the family trip to Lake Tahoe and about Christmas and her German roots. She also has a gentle bit about the presidential campaign. And then winds it up to remind us she is pregnant, again, as planned. To read this fine post, go here.

Perfect Post is the invention of Petroville and Lucinda. Go to these sites to see the list of the winners for January.

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Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in the recliner.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

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My favorite word today is wrinkles. N., when your face falls apart. Def.: Something you may have that are similar to my character lines.