Old Horsetail Snake

We here at Scamp Hollow have had quite a many florals to peek at this spring/summer/fall.  Nobody has asked me any questions about the flowers.  I will tell you later about the questions I HAVE been asked.  So here's about some flowers:

is called a White Star Creeper, which would be black star creeper if the flowers were black, which they aren't.


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The Washington Post got from its readers several nominations for Darwin Reject Awards, such as this one:

A team of American researchers was awarded the prize for discovering that Coca-Cola is an effective spermicide, and a team of Taiwanese scientists were awarded for discovering that it is not.

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My favorite word today is juggle.  N., which is sometimes sort of like a jiggle, but not quite.  Def.:  It's not that I don't know how to do this; it's that I just don't have the balls to do it.

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.   The iBoob will cost from $499 to $699, depending upon cup and speaker size.

The developers are hailing this as a major social breakthrough, because woman are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home having a drink and a smoke when it starts to rain.  Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the closed end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Arlene:  What the hell is that?

Jane:  A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene:  Where did you get it?

Jane:  You can get them at any drugstore

The next day, Arlene hurries herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.  The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, look at her strangely (she is, he knows, over 80 years of age), and delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"It doesn't matter, sonny, as long as it fits on  a Camel.

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A Mexican family was considering putting Grandfather Abuelo in a nursing home.  All the Hispanice facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Irish home.  After a few weeks went by, they came to visit him.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful," he says.  "Everyone here is so courteous and respectful."

The grandson responds, "Oh, that makes us very happy.  We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from the rest of the people here."

"Oh, no!  Let me tell you how wonderfully they treat the residents," he says with a big smile.  "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old.  He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There's a judge in here -- he's 95 years old.  He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

"And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican.'!"

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My favorite word today is mankind.  N., could be a whole bunch of folks.  Def.:  To understand mankind, you have to look at the word itself.  MANKIND.  Basically, it's made up of two words:  MANK and IND.  What do these two words mean?  It's another mystery, so I think we better find a word I like more.

A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, W. Va., and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.  Interested, he wants to learn more.  "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up a file ad says, "The job entails getting ladies ready for the gynecologist.  You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.  There's an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you're going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina.  That's about 250 miles from here."

"Oh, is that where the job is?" the young man asks.

"No, sir:  that's where the end of the line is right now."

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My favorite phrase today is bull market.  N., you can get some in Pamplona.  Def.:  A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

When my grandson asked me how old I am, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised.  "Mine says I'm four to six."

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The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.  Sort of an odd number, but there's a reason for it.  That's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the first U.S. railroads.

But why like that?  Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad roads, and that's the gauge they used.  But why did they use that gauge then?  Because the people who built the first roads used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

But why that particular wheel spacing?  Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old long-distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?  Imperial Rome built the first long-distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions.  The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?  Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their own wagon wheels.  Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.  Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.  Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/Process pamphlet and wonder "What horse's ass came up with this?", you may be exactly right.  Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses (actually, two horses' asses).  Now, then, another twist to the story.

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.  These are solid fuel rocket boosters (or, SRBs).  The SRBs afre made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.  The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.  The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad truck, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width  of a couple of horses' asses.  And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?  Ancient horses' asses control almost everything.....and current horse's asses are controlling everything else.

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My favorite word today is bacteria.  N., have you had your yogurt today?  Def.:  The only culture some people have.

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck hotel?  When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

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INSTRUCTIONS FOR INSTALLING A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1.  Go to the Goodwill Store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, size 14-16.

2.  Place them on your front porch, along with several scattered empty beer cans, a copy of a well-thumbed Guns &amp, Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3.  Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4.  Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey, Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim -- I went to the gun shop for more ammo.  I'll be back in an hour.  Don't mess with the pit bulls:  they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.  I don' think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

"P.S.  I locked all four of 'em in the house.  Better wait outside."

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Morris and his wife, Esther, went to the State Fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I's like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride  is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

This year, when they went to the fair, Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old.  If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."  To which Esther replied, "Morris, that helicoper ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard this exchange and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.  I'll take both of you for a ride.  If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you.  But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went.  The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.  He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.  When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everrything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.  I'm impressed."

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but, you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

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The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

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My favorite word today is remembrance.  N., A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.  Def.:  Keep in mind, half the people you know are below average.

Lookie what I got in the mail!  Classic buttcrack that I thought I had sworn off on  of!


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A veterinarian was also an amateur geneticist.  One day, one of his experiments paid off.  He successfully combined the DNA of a cantaloupe with that of a dog.  The result was a small, round dog with orange-tinted fur.

For many years the dog was happy.  But over time, he became lethargic and morose.  The vet tried everything to cure the dog's depression.  Eventually, he decided to take the dog to a pet psychiatrist.  The psychiatrist told the veterinarian not to worry.  The dog was just.....a little melon collie.

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Recently, a friend sent me some pictures of the domiciles where celebrities live.  They are quite nice, so Ol' Hoss will share:


My favorite word today is hypochondriac.  N., somebody who doesn't have anything.  Def.:  This is a guy whose epitaph says NOW will you believe me?

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This also is the time that some of we b**ggers nominate one b**g per each as a "Perfect Post" for the month.  Perfect Post is the collective brainchild of Momma K and Lucinda, who have taken it upon themselves to find for us witty, serene, solemnic, etc., b**gs we might otherwise have missed.

My selection for the month is Raymond Powers, aka the Florida Cracker, whose column is named Pure Florida.  And it is that, except for an occasional trip out-of-state which is okay with us because it's all well-written.  The post I'm picking is how FC, a teacher, works to break down the anti-education feelings of Frank, a black high school student.  He calls it a work in progress; you'll call it excellent writing.  You can find his b**g  here.

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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.  They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick! Quick! shouts Sister Catherine.  What shall we do?"

Turngthe windshield wipers on.  That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

She does this, knocking Dracula about.  But he holds on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What now?" Sister Catherine shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer.  I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican."

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.  Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouters Sister Catherine.

"Show him you're cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.  She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car."

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My favorite word today is average.  N., you are higher, or lower, or somewhere in between.  Def.:  Just remember, half the people you know are below this.

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Here is a riddle but not by the Riddler.  Getting 4 right is perfect....a measly 4....

1.  How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2. Which country makes Panama hats?

3.  From which animal do we get catgut?

4.  In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5.  What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6.  The Canary Islands in the Pacific is named after what animal?

7.  What was King George VI's first name?

8.  What color is a purple finch?

9.  Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10. What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All done?  Here are the answers:

1.  116 years
2.  Ecuador
3.  Sheep and horses
4.  November
5.  Squirrel fur
6.  Dogs
7.  Albert
8.  Crimson
9.  New Zealand
10.Orange

(It's okay.  I failed too.)

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Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationing south of Rome in Venice, and the Pope asks her to join him on a Gondolar ride through the canals.  They are admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when a gust of wind blows the Pope's zucchetto hat off his head and into the water.

The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff's cap with his pole, but this move threatens to overturn the floating craft.

Sarah waves off the tour guide saying, "Wait, wait, I'll take care of this.  Not to worry."

She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and walks over to the Pope's cap, bends over and picks it up.  She walks back across the water to the gondola, steps aboard and -- amid stunned by the silence -- hands it back to the Pope.

The next morning, the topic of Democrats everywhere is, "Palin can't swim."

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My favorite word today is psychokinesis.  N.,  I know this one.  Def.:  How many of you believe in this?  Raise my hand.