Old Horsetail Snake

If you get to read this, count yourself lucky -- and don't let me forget Rabbit Rabbit Day, again!!

I have been wonderin' how to get to here. Holy schluck muck.

It is not everybody who can do this.

I will keep trying. Hang in there, buds.......

Ol' Hoss

(Computer probs, and maybe brain probs.........)

If you see, or hear, or taste a rabbit today, you will have good luck all month long. So far I have not done any of those, so you know I am shit out of luck rabbit for not having good luck this month.

+ + + + + + + +

Question: Who invented fractions?

Answer: Henry the l/8.

+ + + + + + + +

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to:

"DAD"

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

"Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tatoos, motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion....Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

"We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

"We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstacy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry, Dad.

"I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

"Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

"Love,

"Your son, John.

"P.S. Dad, none of this is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my desk's center drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home."

+ + + + + + + +

Subject: The latest from Sven and Olaf --

Sven and Olaf worked together in a Minnesota factory -- and both were laid off. So they went to the Unemployment Office together. Asked his occupation, Olaf said, "Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Olaf $300 per week in unemployment compensation.

Sven, when asked his occupation, replied "Diesel fitter." The clerk looked up the occupation and found it listed as a skilled job. So the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.

When Olaf found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"Vat skill!!? yelled Olaf. "I sew da elastic on da panties. Sven pulls them over his head and says, "'Diesel fitter!!'"

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is the cellphone company. N., you remember Good Ol' Ma Bell? Def.: The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.

Holy, Moley....I been steppin' in dung over here. I think I got things all fixed, but who knows? I got this new computer, and it doesn't like me much. Howsomever, I am going to give it a day or two and let's see.......

+ + + + + + + +

Last I left off, I was trying to arrange a photo for this page. So let's see how that went......No dice. So......

+ + + + + + +

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said. "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, no. You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! NOW. We need more butter! Oh my God, where are we going to get more butter? They're going to STICK!! Careful, careful, CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking."

"Now salt them. Hurry up! Are you crazy! Have you LOST your mind? You need to salt them! Use the salt, use more salt!

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to cook a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it's like when I'm driving."

+ + + + + + + +

Question: I am a manicurist in New York. Where do I live?

Answer: Finger Lakes.

+ + + + + + + +

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain, alone.

Grandpa: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few minutes we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one?

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is sanity. N., keep hoping. Def.: Statistics say that one of four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, it's you.

But before war with Iraq, tax cuts for the rich, pardons for the rich, and rich foods for the rich, a fella named "W" actually passed this way through the White House. So let's have one last laugh at W's expense with some of our favorite
Bushisms:

+ + + + + + + +

"I know how hard it is to put food on your family."

"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."

"I own a timber company? That's news to me. Need some wood?"

"Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." (Parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock?)

"Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech." (To Pope Benedict.)

"It seems like to me they based some of their decisions on the word of -- and the allegations -- by people who were held in detention, people who hate America, people that had been trained in some instances to disassemble -- that means not tell the truth."

"I was proud the other day when Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce your support for a clear statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will. Speaking about Saddam Hussein, 2002.

"I was looking for a book to read. Laura said you ought to try Camus. I also read three Shakespeares.

"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein.

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is facts. N., don't let any get in the way. Def.: To ignore them is not to change them.