understanding the power of the past

As I try to figure out how to parent my daughter, I also look back into my past. My mom was/is an untreated depressive with some wide mood swings. My brother and I were born a year apart when she was in her mid-30s. My dad left before I was hardly dry from my first bath.

My brother was an angry child- prone to violence against me and my mom. He didn’t act that way around other people though. I was the “good kid.” I was protective of my mom and of my brother from other people. I had to be the adult in most of my childhood because Mom just didn’t have the emotional energy to parent us. Mom treated me as her confidant and allowed me to make decisions. Now I wonder if my brother’s anger was in part a reaction to how my mom parented.

I can acknowledge that part of my daughter’s issues are from my parenting when I was so depressed. I often didn’t treat her like a toddler. I let her make decisions about what or where we were going to eat. I let her get by with bad behavior because I just didn’t have the emotional energy to fight her. The behaviors just didn’t seem so bad when I was barely functioning.

In the two years in which I have been recovering, I still struggle parenting my strong-willed child. She expects to still make decisions and to get by with anything and everything. She can still throw some mammoth tantrums. I am extremely tired of standing in public as she has a meltdown. I try to have consequences, but her tantrums in public are hard because there is nothing I can do then. She has even grown big enough that I can’t just pick her up and carry her out (though I haven’t admitted that to her yet). Even time outs at home are becoming hard because she fights being put in her room. I won’t be able to physically force her much longer.

Don’t get me wrong. My daughter is intelligent and funny and extremely social. With most people she is a “ray of sunshine.” She can be loving, supportive, and encouraging of others (and me). The big behavior problems occur when I act like the parent (the authority figure) and try to restrain her.

Soon I want to write about the things I am doing right as a parent. It might be a short post.

What’s next? especially this fall

My little sweetheart will be starting kindergarten this fall. I am worried about how this will unfurl. As a mom who struggles with emotional/ metal issues and who has a high needs kid, I watch what little bit of information coming out about schools intently.

We were part of the lucky ones. During this pandemic Kiddo’s day care never closed. So we generally were not together 24- 7, which is a very good thing. I struggle with providing enough structure and I definitely struggle with her moods.

So I am worried about what will happen when her pre_k stuff ends in a month. With a fall birthday, she is too old to continue pre-K (and we can’t afford to keep paying for it). I worry about the viability of virtual education for kindergarten. If I could teach my daughter to read, she would already be reading.

Yes, I also worry about our relationship. What will happen if we are together 24- 7? Will her continual pushing push me over the edge? Will my depressed state and withdrawal make her act out even further?

I’ve come a long way with not yelling as much. Would being constantly together erase my hard-earned and small reserve? Three- and four-day weekends have me yearning for school. What will it be like if there is no real return to school?

There are people who would say I am “borrowing trouble,” but I always feel like I need to be as prepared as possible. I need to explore as many options as possible.

I know this probably sounds horrible. I love my daughter with all of my being, but I enjoy my daughter more in shorter doses.

I’m not the mom I planned to be.

Last time I wrote that Kiddo is not the child I pictured when I planned to be a mom. So now before anyone thinks I must be perfect……..

I am honestly not as nurturing as I thought I would be. I am often impatient and angry. Sometimes I have to really shove my spoiled self to the back to comfort her as she says, “I want Mommy.” The former teacher in me wants to treat her like my teenagers, but I have to remember that she is a preschooler instead.

The first year of her life I read to her almost constantly. I also sang to her- turning one of our favorite books into our very own lullaby. When I went back to work I stopped reading to her as much. Was it the hours and trying to get her into bed at a decent time? Was it that I was trying to keep up with the massive workload of teaching? Was it the anxiety and depression already sapping my energy and motivation? Even though I have been out of work for nearly two years, reading still isn’t as frequent as I would like. She is though seeing me read more for myself these days. So hopefully that makes some difference.

I never planned to raise my child without religion. I wasn’t even completely aware that I had until one day she asked me about Heaven and then God. I want to become involved in a church, but the anxiety and fear keeps me away. Okay, another thing that kept me out was the rigidity of many Christian denominations. I am too liberal for many denominations. I just don’t want her exposed to the negativity or judgmental mentality of some groups.

There are so many other ways I feel like a failure. I don’t play with her enough- though to be honest, I could play with her all day and she would still say it’s not enough. I can’t put her into the gymnastics classes I want. I can’t buy her the clothes, toys, art supplies, etc. that I want.

Anyway, I am definitely not a perfect parent as I deal with my much-loved child.

and so it goes

As we are increasing the dosage of my add-on medication, my newish psych NP tells me, “we use 4 mg for schizophrenic patients. so we can put you on 3 mg.” and what does that say about where I am/ still am.

I noticed that it’s been nearly two years since I last wrote. During that time we’ve changed medications, increased dosages, and added new medications. My med packs for the week make me look like an old old woman- one set up for night meds and one set up for morning meds. I have short periods of time when I feel relatively normal. Then the tearfulness returns. If I am not chronically tearful, I feel anxious or shut off from everyone.

I haven’t worked in two years now. If my family weren’t helping out, Kiddo and I would be living in the car. I’ve applied for disability and been turned down. I honestly think that if I could have applied when I first left work two years ago, I probably would have been approved. But I was too unstable. I was incapable of making more that the smallest decision. So I’ve sent in a request for appeal.

Parenting- and yes, parenting as a solo parent- has been my choice. I love my daughter more that anything in the world, but I have to admit she is not the child from my naive expectations. She is not a sweet, quiet child who plays happily by herself. No, Kiddo is an extreme extrovert and very high needs. She hates being alone. She also has sensory processing issues- which affect more things than people think they should. I get so sick of people telling me that I should make her “get over it.”

Unfortunately she has also been diagnosed as having Oppositional Defiant Disorder. The more I research the worse I feel. There is a component that is biological in nature, but it is also based on my inadequate parenting. One of the authors I read said that parents with untreated ADHD might have children who develop this disorder. Then he said it was even worse with children of depressed people.

During that two years when I was only semi-functional, I didn’t hold firm about a lot of things. I was trying to keep her healthy, fed, clean, etc., but I left much of manners to daycare- who was really rocking it. When I began to feel better, I tried getting Kiddo back into a child role. Ever since then, she has pushed back against everything I have said or done.

Unfortunately I don’t always respond best when she acts up. I’m working on it though. We see a counselor together (we were seeing her pretty much every week until the quarantine). I also see my psych NP and an EMDR-focused counselor at the same facility. Then I see a talk-based therapist regularly also.

So many more things to tell, but enough for tonight. I am mainly writing for myself- as almost another form of therapy.

holding it together

It’s Sunday evening now and with the help of kid movies, we’ve not done too badly.  I picked Kiddo up from school and she wanted to go out to eat.  I told her that we couldn’t do it.  I think she is getting an idea of what “we can’t afford it” means because she didn’t argue with me at all.  We stayed up until about midnight watching movies and then slept until 8.

Saturday my brother and mother came over to bring me money to keep a roof over our heads this month.  Kiddo loved visiting with them.  My mom (who has dementia and is getting iffy with time and circumstances) kept going on about how long it has been since she saw the kid and how much Kiddo has grown.  I know it hasn’t been a month, but it just added to my feelings of guilt.

Kiddo and I went grocery shopping Saturday.  Her biggest worry was whether she would get a cart with a car.  She didn’t.  I was trying to do so many things that of course I forgot four of the items I meant to get for Kiddo.  Now I did buy a half-dozen cupcakes for us.  So we started them when we came home.

Kiddo fell asleep on the couch between 8 and 8:30 last night.  I managed to get her ready and to the bed without waking her up completely.  So then I stayed up too late because I didn’t want to go to bed and lay there thinking.  It was after midnight somewhere when I finally went to bed.

Today we have watched movies, built things with her magnetic tiles, eaten way too much, walked our elderly dog, and I finally took a real shower and washed my hair for the first time in at least a week.  Yes, that is where I have been mentally… which of course just made me feel worse.  It’s a freaking stupid cycle.

We still have another day together completely tomorrow.  I’ve mostly held it together and haven’t done a lot of yelling so far this weekend.  Hopefully I can keep that going for another 36 hours…..

 

feeling rough

lot of energy to appear normal

I’m not doing a good job of simulating normalcy today.  I am so tired and feel so freaking useless and like I am just a burden on everyone.

I should be able to rally myself some to be more alert and hopefully more cheerful when I go get Kiddo from school.  If it weren’t for her, I’d have already been in bed and sleeping until I woke up…. and then maybe going right back to sleep.  Actually that sounds pretty good, but I do not want Kiddo’s primary memories of her early childhood being Mama sleeping or yelling.  So I will do my best to fake it until I can convince her it is bedtime.

I called to check on Family Assistance (which would help pay day care).  It has been two weeks since I applied and over a week since I had requested everything.  When I checked yesterday though, they had lost Kiddo’s shot records and wellness statement.  So I had the ped’s office resend it.  Today they have it but the man on the state hotline said that they have 45 days to review applications.  What?!?  I have nothing left to pay daycare and I can’t ask my family to pick that up along with everything else.  Because there were four and a half weeks in August, I paid $810 in August (and the two last days of July).  My rent is $845.  So I can not ask my family to literally pick up two rents.

I don’t know what to do.  I’m applying for jobs- teller, office, customer service, etc.- but I am terrified.  What if I can’t get stable?  What if I can’t stay stable?  It won’t help anything if I get fired.  And I do not see that ridiculous excuse for a psych nurse practitioner for two months.  oh- and I will no longer have insurance after midnight tonight.

I want nothing more than to curl up in a ball and have no responsibilities for a few days, but that isn’t possible.  I am a mom, a solo mom, who can not afford to have someone take her out for a while.  Crap, let’s be honest.  I can’t even afford to take her out.

Yep, I am filled with self-loathing.  I hate this hole I have dug myself into.  Even more I hate trapping my child in here with me.

I’m trying.

Parenting is tough work.  Parenting while bipolar is definitely rough.  But I am trying.

My girl deserves better.  So I am trying to calm down and not yell.  I am trying to not stress her so much.  I hate hearing her say, “I’m sorry” to me constantly.  We are on the downward slide in potty training.  She does so well most of the time, but she will sometimes have an accident while trying to get to the bathroom… not often, but sometimes.

Today she had an accident in the bathroom as she got to the toilet,  I had forgot to ask her to go potty after we came home from school and before we went to get the mail.  When I came into the bathroom to help her get cleaned up, it broke my heart to hear her say repeatedly “I’m sorry, Mama” and “I didn’t mean to pee myself.”  I had to tell her that I knew it was an accident and that I wasn’t mad at her.  What have I done to my child?  Yes,  there are times when I know she is intentionally doing something (she will look straight at me sometimes as she does something she knows bothers me) and there are times when she does intentional ignoring as I say to stop, but how horribly have I treated her for her to almost grovel because she didn’t quite make it to the potty….

I am trying to not yell and I walk away when I feel like I am really about to lose it and spank her.  I am trying.

I love my kiddo with my whole being, but my whole being is pretty battered right now.  So I feel like I do not deserve to be her mom.  I always said I didn’t want to be like my mom and I didn’t want my child to feel responsible for my happiness or to be in fear of what was going to happen.  Unfortunately I am not keeping my promise.

tiny updates

I have been having trouble sleeping at night and feeling more forlorn most of the time.  I don’t know if it is a let-down from the mania or what…..

I think I finally pinpointed what bothered me about my intake session with the psych nurse.  It was all medical/ psych med history.  She never once asked how I am doing right now, what symptoms or problems I might be dealing with, nothing about NOW.  I need something more….  and my follow-up appointment is two months away,

manic night

My bipolar depression II is much more likely to be experienced as depression and irritability and anger and a very low frustration point. 

Last night though I stayed up all night.  It started off as a chance to spend some time by myself.  I am working on what might be called a form of sleep-training with Kiddo.  I am trying to get her to go to sleep on her own.  I have not been able to get her back to her own room yet, but I am working on not having to go to bed with her.  It’s still rocky.

Last night she did stay in bed and fell asleep.  I just stayed up and stayed up.  Then it was after midnight, then after 2, etc.  I was randomly watching old tv shows and doing bits of organization.  Kiddo woke up and called for me a little after 5.  I climbed in bed with her and stayed there until nearly 6:30 when we went to walk our furboy.  I waited until after I took Kiddo to school to come back and crash for about three hours on the couch. 

My mind continued going over all the same old *stuff* along with my intake appointment with my new psychiatrist.  It took so long to get a psychiatrist just to have her sit at the computer inputting pretty much my medical history.  She made no changes to my meds and will not see me for two months.  I should have stuck with my general practitioner.  This woman made little eye contact and did not respond to my comments or jokes at my own expense. 

I had told her that  we had increased and added meds to get me through the school year.  Her only expressed concern is that I have been on one anxiety medication which apparently is supposed to be more of a “rescue” medication- even though I have been told to take it daily since  2011 or so.  Still though she made no changes to my meds. 

I know that I have to get straightened out and I have to get a job- even my ability to stay up all night last night says I am not level- but I do not feel that this intake session was a step in the right direction.

tiny steps

I have been doing some of the things I’ve needed for a while now.  I actually have been going through my emails…. one account had over 2,000 unread emails in it.  There are some things to do which have to do with some of those emails…. actually quite a number of emails for one item.  People often don’t understand that when I am “down the well” I can not even try to handle some things- like big scary emails.

I have done some organizing/ rearranging work on my daughter’s room and on my living room.  I have been going through stuff to get rid of and I am trying to store away my teaching stuff.

I’ve started applying for assistance and I am still looking for a job.  I am scared though.  As all over the place as I was (and as I have been recently), I missed SO much work.  Some people say that I should be able to “fake it till I make it.”  I did used to be able to do that.  Somewhere in the last ten to fifteen years I couldn’t do it anymore.

The people who sit in judgment do not understand that I do not want to be this way.  I’d prefer to be normal.  I’d prefer to not be ready to crawl out of my skin.  I’d definitely prefer to not be the awful mother I currently am.  I’d prefer to not be dependent upon others.

So right now I can only take tiny steps trying to keep moving forward.