I desperately
needed some time!
Time
away. Time alone.
Time with just me and God.
In
our almost 25 years of marriage, I have never before left home alone without a
purpose - a conference, group retreat, training meeting. But I had reached the end of my rope. I needed to step away from the demands of life
as a wife and mother. I needed to just
be quiet. I needed time to listen to
God, hear from His Word. I needed
emptiness, to be emptied out, to pour out my heart to Him. I needed to be filled, to have Him pour into
me, to be nourished and nurtured.
My
little girls kept asking where I was going and what I would be doing. Somehow, they did not like my answer,
“Mom
is running away from home.”
But
that is exactly what I did. I ran away from
home for a weekend.
Officially,
I have labeled it a
Personal
Retreat!
This
was not an impulsive escape. I did not
just pack up a suitcase and leave unexpectedly.
I reserved my lodging location in advance. I researched what others have done on a
personal retreat, how they structured their time or didn’t, what goals should
be set, and how to prepare before leaving.
Key
take aways from my research:
1. Be
well rested and hydrated before leaving, so that you can make the most of your time.
2. Plan
to nurture and nourish yourself through fun and/or creative activity and good
healthy foods.
3. Turn
off and shut down distractions, like television or computer time.
4. Don’t
plan too much or put added pressure on yourself to accomplish the impossible.
Since
God and I had already started a new journey in my life – to begin writing
towards a book and to prepare to speak, share, and teach others what He is
teaching me – I also researched more about writing and publishing a book, as
well as a bit about other Christian women speakers. I asked friends about their own publishing
experiences. This helped so much with my
personal expectations of myself and to realistically shape goals for my time
away.
I
would NOT be writing an entire book in just two days!
I
arrived on a Thursday evening and settled in to my home away from home. Dinner for just me. Space and time to breathe
deeply. A little reading, a little
writing, before a peaceful night’s sleep.
Friday,
I spent the entire day juggling between reading and writing.
On
Saturday morning, I knew that I could happily spend another entire day alone
with my Bible, books, paper, pens, and computer. However, all that research and preparation
whispered that I needed to step outside, off the deck, out of the glider, and
find an activity to fill me up in a different way. I laced up my walking shoes and grabbed my
camera, so I could combine physical activity with creative expression.
It
was wonderful!
What
started as just a playful walk, snapping pics of whatever captured my fancy,
experimenting with camera settings, focus and lighting adjustments, quickly
turned into a prayerful stroll with God whispering to my heart and mind through
nature and my camera lens. He revealed
so many truths from His Word as memorized scripture verses danced through my
mind. The struggles and challenges of parenting,
especially parenting kids from hard places, became the filter my eyes saw God
revealing His wisdom and love through the beauty of nature before me…
Though
the temperatures were comfortable and the weather just beautiful for my walk in
the woods, spring began very dry this year on the heels of a less than snowy
winter in this area. Rain storms
threatened in the forecast for the coming week, but the ground was dry and
dusty. Tired and thirsty as I trudged
uphill, after my short walk had now filled two hours, I noticed this little
dragonfly as he landed on the dusty gravel path in front of me. My heart leapt for joy as I focused my camera
to take this picture. I giggled at the
irony of this paradoxical image.
a
dragonfly on a dry, dusty, gravel path
Are
you laughing with me yet? Can you hear
God’s whispers?
HOPE!
Dragonflies’
natural habitat is always near a body of water.
The adult dragonfly only lives a few days or weeks of its life actually
flying. Most of its lifecycle is spent
as an egg and nymph growing in an aquatic environment. Male dragonflies are very protective of their
watery territories and homes because the primary goal of this short season of their
life is to mate with females who lay their eggs in the water.
Watching
this insect light upon the parched path spoke to my heart of the hope its presence
declared,
WATER!
A
dragonfly is never too far from a source of water.
I
knew the truth of this fact as I was trudging up the path from the river
below. I had already enjoyed sitting
beside its banks and drinking in all that God had prepared for me to see that
day. Beauty, peace, and rest. Now, though, I was thirsty. My throat was dry. I longed for a drink of refreshing cool water
when this little dragonfly’s visit reminded me of the hope I hold on to.
*****
Jeremiah
29:11 (NIV)
“For
I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and
not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I
cling to this verse on dark days. I pray
it over all my children. I find great
comfort in knowing that God has a plan filled with hope. He’s got this! The Creator of the universe has my future
under control.
However,
I must honestly confess that there are moments, days, and seasons in my life
when I lose hope. When I struggle and
wrestle, feeling alone and trapped within darkness, despair, and depression.
*****
As I
continued my wandering adventure, underneath the shade of the towering trees, I
spotted these mayflowers.
Though
I’m a city girl or more precisely a suburbanite soccer mom, I spent several
years growing up as a farm girl. The
first time my husband saw me walking down the halls of our high school in my
brown calico dress, he thought that this country hayseed needed to go back to
the sticks where she belonged! I manage to meddle together knowledge from all
facets of my life.
To
the country girl inside me, the springtime appearance of mayflowers brings
cause for rejoicing.
Mayflowers
= Morel Mushrooms
The
green, leafy, drooping heads of the mayflower declare the perfect temperatures
- not too hot and not too cold - as well as the optimal soil conditions – warm,
moist, and rich – for the delicious morel mushrooms to grow and flourish. Oh, what delicious and mouthwatering memories
I hold of devouring freshly battered and deep fried mushrooms for dinner in the
spring.
*****
As
much as I love the familiarity of the verse, Jeremiah 29:11 is only part of
this passage of scripture that speaks so deeply to the ache within my heart.
Jeremiah
29:11-14 (NIV)
“For
I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and
not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to
me, and I will listen to you. You will
seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, “declares the LORD, “and
will bring you back from captivity. I
will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,”
declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried
you into exile.”
Parenting
our daughters by adoption has been so hard.
I often feel like I’m wrestling against an unseen enemy as I struggle to
build a relationship of trust and strong attachment with my girls. Many days, I feel beaten, defeated, and
downtrodden. The future seems dark and
hopeless.
Bending
my knees and falling on my face before the LORD, I weep and cry. I pour out my heart to the God who formed me,
who passionately loves me and my girls.
He is writing our story, His story through our lives. I cling to Him and to the promises in His
Word.
My
precious daughters have been taken captive by the pain and grief of adoption. As beautiful as one side of adoption can be,
the beauty of becoming a family, the love and joy, adoption cannot be separated
from its other side which begins with the brokenness and loss of another
family.
In
Jeremiah 29, I find the hope of God’s promise to the Israelite people. He hears my cries. He waits for me to come to Him, to find
Him. He alone is the source of hope.
Hebrews
10:23 (NIV)
Let
us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
Praise
the LORD for His faithfulness! This hope
that I cling to is not a fairytale fantasy or wish upon a star that cannot be
fulfilled. God is faithful!
Philippians
1:6 (NIV)
Being
confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to
completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
God
is not finished writing this story!
*****
As
my walk through the woods neared completion, the small plant caught my eye, small
and green with red tipped leaves, along the path, at the base of a fence post. Once again, a smile spread across my face as
joy filled my heart.
I know
this plant. In my grandmother’s yard,
three of these grew when I was a child.
I loved this plant so much that I have planted several in the landscaping
along the side of my home.
Hidden
within the leafy foliage, tiny round flower buds hold the promise of beautiful
peony blossoms. The hope of beauty not
yet visible.
*****
As I
hold fast to God’s promise of hope, I see the beauty within my little girls,
the beauty of their stories.
I
love how The Message paraphrases these words from Jeremiah in the book of
Lamentations.
Lamentations
3:19-24, 26 (The Message)
I’ll
never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the
taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.
I
remember it all – oh, how well I remember –
The feeling
of hitting the bottom.
But
there’s one thing I remember,
and
remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
GOD’s
loyal love couldn’t have run out,
his
merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re
created new every morning.
How
great your faithfulness!
I’m
sticking with GOD (I say it over and over).
He’s
all I’ve got left.
It’s
a good thing to quietly hope,
Quietly
hope for help from GOD.
In
Him, in His love, through His faithfulness, I find hope for the beauty only He
can create from the brokenness.
