hmm...

It's been ages since I posted here and as the pattern goes, I post here when I feel strongly about something. I've been feeling something rather strongly in the last 2 weeks. It's made me uncomfortable, unhappy and happy, doubt myself and push myself beyond limits.

I got promoted 2 weeks ago. There. I've said it. I didn't talk about it. My husband was on a trek when I got promoted. I sent him an impersonal Whatsapp message. Some people asked me why I didn't show any joy. Or, why I wasn't talking about it. Or, if I was being one of those 'oh this is nothing' kind of people. I didn't know and that's been troubling me.
People at work have been talking about it, my team sent me sweet messages enough to make me cry about it, my husband came back home thrilled to hear the news. My parents were proud. What happened to me?

I spoke to a colleague about it the other day and he asked me to think through, step back from the daily 'khit-phit' and so on and so forth. Made sense. Pushed myself to do that (something I've been trying to do for quite sometime, btw). Did I deserve it? Had I performed that well? Didn't the x metric look bad? Didn't my presentation suck? How many new ideas have I had in the last 2 months? Nil. So, I needed to get back on track. Get up at an unearthly 4 AM, read up, be on top of every email, every conversation I might need to have. Exercise, feel guilty for every coffee break I took...Just didn't end.

Today, this nice guy I work with pointed out how it isn't about my past performance, but what I could be capable of. And how I was being an obstacle to my own success by letting this affect me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been talking about it forever and making my fellow female colleagues realise it. Making myself realise it at every step, but when it came down to me striding forward taking charge, I dithered. The Damocles' Sword of effing self-doubt. I don't know if it's because I'm a woman. Or, if it's because it's me. Either way, not right. I think it's because I'm a woman. I'm yet to meet a male colleague who has gone through the emotional trauma I go through every time something nice happens professionally to me.

I suddenly wondered if I was worth it. It hurts me and my  feminist ego that I couldn't figure this out earlier. I wasn't like this when I decided to stand up for myself and refused to write the CET exam. I had no doubts whatsoever then. I had no doubts when I threw all caution to the winds and decided to get married to A after talking to him for 2 hours. Or, when I decided to be myself when I speak to my customers. The sword fell on top of my head today. The bricks, the sword. Quite a day it has been.

Talking about this openly has helped me. And I'm hoping it helps a lot of women I know that suffer from similar bouts of madness. I'm going to stop treading on egg shells. And run. Run as fast as I can and enjoy it. My knees might get damaged forever, I might trip and fall, dogs may chase me and I might not make good time. But hey, I didn't quit because there is this stupid voice in my head telling me to quit.

Oh yeah, meet the new Director on the block, baby. We'll talk on LinkedIn now ;) 

There is this boiling anger inside of me. Not able to handle it. I'm not yelling or crying. All that stopped long back.

Tried everything. Run like crazy, work with a vengeance, eat like a pig. Nothing helps. The anger inside of me just doesn't seem to go away. Even when there is no rape 'case' hogging the headlines. I wasn't even going to write a post about it. I just read something in passing on Facebook. About how the crowd gathered didn't bother to cover the girl and her friend who were lying on the road, bleeding, naked.

Where did the infamous Indian culture which doesn't allow our women to wear jeans vanish? How could you stand and stare at a woman bleeding and lying nude on the street? Isn't that a violation of the rules in your warped moral system? Why? Because it is a rape? So, it's okay if she remains naked. Because it doesn't matter anymore?

Or, is it because, now that she's raped, everyone else can gawk at her too. Everyone else can remark on what she wore and what she didn't wear. One more person who points out about travelling in groups will fucking get a supaari from my end. I swear. How do you explain acquaintance rape? I guess it doesn't happen in your world. Same world where  no one has sex and women produce babies like magic, I assume.

This is clearly an abuse of physical power. Sometimes I get so mad thinking about this and in my head, I beat every man in my head with this huge club. And hurt him where it hurts the most. It's sad because I'm surrounded by some good men. Some nice men. And I'm forever on a vigil. It hurts now mentally and physically to keep thinking of this. To keep alert all the time.

I don't know anymore. And don't want to think rationally anymore. I vote for castration. I don't care if it is inhuman. Or, if we shouldn't have a tit for tat thing going on.

No more civilized debates for me, thank you.No more mention of ethics, please. You can keep it to yourself and write editorials with big words and quote the law and nod all you want.

I say, fuck you.

That is what I'm trying to tell myself.

As a woman nearing 30, the pressure on me is really high. Trust me, I laughed it off too when I read all those articles, watched all those TED Talks. With a job I love, and a family I want to prioritise, it's becoming increasingly tough. People are praying so I have a baby. I have no clue if I want one, yet.

Last week at work taught me some things about myself. I can work hard and push myself to the core. (Whose daughter am I, after all!) I can continue to be patient and smile and keep doing what I'm doing (reminds me that I'm becoming my mum) and blow up elsewhere. Only. I don't want to do the last part. At all.

I've had my share of crazy work. College Theater club activities, Mess secretary related responsibilities, weddings at home  - have all been beyond crazy. But proving myself to be that perfect woman at home and work? That didn't exist. As much as I try to run away from that stereotype, it comes back to bite me.

So, it's a pledge taken publicly now. I will prioritise my happiness over everything else from today. I won't think of how much money I have to save, how I have to give birth to babies that will save this world, how I'm not doing any favours to myself by working 24/7, or how I don't have to save this world.

 I need a saviour. From my expectations, from my prejudices. From my all-burning passion, sometimes.

I'm pretty happy now. With work and the life decisions I've made. But like my mum says, there's always room for more.

I want to be happier. And that means a whole lot to me than anything else I've accomplished or going to accomplish.

They say it takes 30 days to make something a habit. I'm being generous to myself and give myself 3 months.

Roughly :)


.

There have been a couple of incidents that have happened in my life that has taught me a ton. About myself and others. I've hardly spoken about those not because I'm afraid of speaking about them openly or any such feeling. I look at them as something that just happened in my life. The last incident that happened day before yesterday turned me into a person I am not,  never was and hopefully will not continue to be. Friends called me a overthinker, my dad said I panicked a lot and I know I got a little paranoid.

I was in Class 5 when I was 'abducted' by 2 teenagers. That they were both girls probably fills my parents hearts with relief even today, I think. They told me that they were my dad's friend's daughters and wanted to invite us for their bro's wedding and I followed them. I trust easily and make friends easily. They took me through Bangalore's old city and stopped at a dead end and slapped me and took my tiny gold studs away. I waited, tried calling my frantic parents from the store nearby and finally found my way home. I ran for my life that day. I came crying out of fear that day. Police station rounds were made, complaints written and the girls were caught. I saw how the police spoke to them too. We decided to let them go with a warning because I'm sure my dad, for all his bravado, is a softie inside and didn't want to see two 15 year olds in a rotting jail with other hardened criminals.

I was going to get married in 10-15 days when I visited the police station with a criminal complaint the second time. 5 men came home. Ours was a house that was away from the gate and I took all precautions. I looked through the window to see a guy with documents. I asked him who he was and he mentioned 'courier.' I opened the door and he mentioned a random name. I said that this was the wrong house and tried to close the door. Little did I know that there were 4 men waiting below the window I looked out of, waiting to pounce on me. In a matter of seconds, 5 men were in the verandah of my house. I was at home with my two grandmothers. One was an invalid by then, with a young nurse and the other limped. I knew that if I let them go beyond the verandah, we were doomed. I yelled and fought and kept those 5 occupied with me while the young nurse ran out to help and my granny came out yelling. I still don't know what it is that made all the 5 men pay attention only to me. Surely, I was just a 25 year old girl and 2 men were more than enough to subdue me? Maybe they thought there were more people, but they got scared and started to run. I ran after them. I didn't think twice. I don't think I will do anything different today. I ran behind them across the lawn, fell down clumsily, held onto one guy who kicked off his chappals and ran away. I ran behind him and he was at an arm's length. Then I realised. I felt cold air on my chest. Bangalore wasn't this hot that March, you know? My kurta was ripped. Ashamed and scared and hurt, I walked back with my grandmother who came running behind me. I went inside to change to see I'd been stabbed.

I was admitted to the hospital. Media came, media went. Police came, police went. I was told I'd been brave. I'd saved my grandmothers. But one thought stuck with me. Why did they rip my kurta? They came to rob. They could have, they chose not to. They were unsuccessful. What does that have to do with ripping my clothes? Did they expect that I'd run after them? I went to the police again then trying to remember their faces,  and didn't talk of the ripped kurta. It was at the back of my head though. With me not being able to breathe, I couldn't have been Nancy Drew just then. I struggled to eat and breathe and I was getting married in 10 days. March 8 is International Women's Day. I got a Bravery Award. Only, I was getting married the next day. Like any girl's family, my parents obviously thought marriage was more important than a Rs 10k award. Except my dad. He was bent on me going there. But by then, I myself had forgotten it all. I'd decided to move on by getting married and moving away. I didn't recognize the guys anyway.

A year later, I came back home and my dad asked me to go collect the reward from the Govt office. We went to discover that a policeman had brought a 'Nandini' with appropriate ID to collect the award.

Day before yesterday, we were driving down the KTPO road when we found 2 guys on a Scooty (I have the Scooty number too) driving zig-zag. We waited for a couple of mins to see if they'd do the right thing. They didn't. We had vehicles behind us and I lowered the window to tell them " Please straight oDisi." ODisi is Kannada for 'drive.' They moved to one side and we passed them. That was the end of a normal day for us. They chased us after that yelling and banging our car with their hands.They banged on the passenger window and tried to stop us from taking a turn by coming ahead of the vehicle. They came between the divider and the car and made us go fast. Then at some point, my husband thought that if they continued this and we reached a signal (there was a signal expected ahead), we might be harassed further, so he took a sharp U turn while I tried calling 100 (Police) The line was engaged. Then I immediately called a friend who stays nearby and asked her to expect us. She spoke to her security guard and they let us inside their gated complex. We crashed in, movie-style. I was shaking by the time I entered. In my head, I know I can handle physical fights. I have, in the past. But a car chase is something else. After 10 mins at my friend's place, we got out thinking this was a one-off road rage incident. Those men were waiting for us at the corner. They chased us again! We again went on a car chase, but this time I was clearer in my head. I called my friend again and we went back. This time those guys tried to enter the gate saying they were from the 'government.' We asked the security to discreetly take their vehicle number down. The security informed us that they waited for 15 mins and left. We called the police and were connected to a fairly responsive police officer who said he'd talk to someone in his Station and send us an escort.

I even told him that they are right there and that they should get them first. I could wait at my friend's place. Then the Whitefield Police Station called and spoke to me in a highly disgusted tone. And they didn't know my friend's place which was a mere 5 mins away from their Station and falls in their patrol/beat area. It took me 20 mins to explain to them where I was. And in the middle of it all, when they didn't understand, they asked me to come to a common point! Finally 30 mins after my call, they came over to escort us. As we were being escorted out, we saw the guys who chased us! Standing by them were a couple of officers in plain clothes.And a Cheetah bike. One officer spoke to us and we told him exactly what happened. And he mentioned that those guys told him that this was an accident. Apparently, someone in a car similar to ours (number plate, colour and make-wise) hit them and escaped, so they thought our car was that car and chased us. Really? A 5 year old who reads Enid Blyton won't believe that story. I asked about filing a complaint and they said that we could come tomorrow and file a complaint. He told us not to get off the car.

Today, according to their update, that vehicle was involved in chain snatching. Surprised, I said, why trace when you had those people yesterday? Equally surprised, the same Inspector who was responsive that night told us how there was nothing of that sort in the night report. I sat there shocked. How was this information not in the night report? This means we don't have a case. And there are two possibilities here.

1. The police is dumb to have let them go.
2. The police or that particular person who spoke to us is an accomplice. Or, these are regular rowdies who pay them regularly. We even checked on the person who spoke to us with the Hoysala vehicle escorting us home.

When the Inspector promised to check back, he kept me on hold while he inquired in Kannada about what happened the previous night. I heard mumbling but the Inspector was clearly mad and he said in Kannada " DaDDaru ree nam janaa." (translated to 'our people are fools.') So, I thought of believing possibility 1. Then, when I think back to the conversation with my friend's security guard, I realised something. The men, when they tried to enter the complex behind us, gave their names and a 11 digit phone number saying this is the Whitefield Police station number. Of course, I realise this is the security guard's version. However, one of the names that those guys gave them was the same as the name of the police officer who was apparently on duty that night. That name isn't a common name. Surely, this isn't a coincidence? Either they've been in and out of jail and knew the police officer's name and used it to their advantage. Or, of course there is the worst possibility that I'm going crazy about.

With all my police station experience, I know I did the right thing at every point except that I didn't put my foot down and file an FIR the same night. If I didn't file an FIR, they couldn't have kept those people in custody. Fair enough. But not putting it in the report? Surely, something else is wrong here!

I have a 100 theories about every single thing that happened and thanks to my previous experience, I focussed on remembering details this time. I remember what exactly happened, at what time it happened, who we spoke to and how it could have happened. I don't see a way of avoiding this situation apart from the possibility of just not opening the window to tell them anything. But then, I wonder if that'd have made a difference. Were these people waiting on that road for cars like ours to come by so they could intimidate them and rob them? I've read stories where it is mentioned that the area we got chased in gets isolated at night because it's an 'office' area. So, there are people waiting like this to ambush the corporate crowd.

Today when the bell rang at my apt, I shuddered in fear. I refused to open the door. I called the security guys of my apt complex and everyone else on chat and phone and created a huge ruckus. It's possible it was an innocent resident or one of the service people. But I was terrified. I know for a fact that I'm not a paranoid person. I'm not a person who scares easily. I'm not someone who worries over things like this. But today I was, beyond any explanation. During my sister's wedding last month and I was at home alone once, I refused to open the door to a plumber my dad had sent from his office next door. I was quite surprised. This came 4 years after the stabbing took place.

I've only grown paranoid slowly because both the times, the guys were so close to being caught. We almost had them.  This time, I learned from the past and did everything right with the police and they 'seemed' to have let them go. It hurts.

I haven't shared details on this post like the names of the police personnel, the time this happened, the number of the vehicle involved because I'm not letting this go. I'm going to follow it up to see if the police actually let them go. I've not gotten over the men I let go last time. This time, these bastards are paying. Or, at least I'm giving them a fight.

I know this sounds like a random post, but I want to put this out here. 

It's already November and one more month and it's going to be a new year again. This time, I'm really excited about the new year. Actually not just this time, but always. I don't have any regrets over the old year or that I'm getting older. I just like the last 2 months to speed by ( like everything in life!) so something new can start. Sometimes, that affects my 'happy' state because I'm wondering when this is going to end and the next phase - good or bad start. Must change that. That said, I had a pretty good October.

Most of my challenges worked out well. I did figure out how to wear a sari, though wearing a silk sari troubles me to  no end and I'm going to have to practice a lot more for that. I did the festival hopping really well and managed everyone in my family and extended family/friends group rather well. I think I've arrived as a Maami officially.

The cycle has been postponed thanks to reasons like laziness to find parking at the store near home and forgetting there are other stores in the city too. Very valid reasons, you see. Same goes for the license. Reading happened in full swing though!

October seemed to be a month where I either worked, micro-managed some people or went to other people's homes. There wasn't time to do 'my chores' per se. Except of course, a rather hurried 2 day getaway after all the people and work madness. This brought us to sweet November. Sweet because I'm back from a vacation and I'm in that good spot :)

My challenges this month.

1. The license challenge continues. All I need is to go to the RTO.
2. The food blog again. Which I forgot to mention in my 'didn't happen at all' part of the post. 4 posts this month. I have it all written already. Promise.
3. Push myself at work more. I can't reveal my goals here unfortunately, but hope to get going with lots more work.
4. Get through all the bookmarked readings on Instapaper. I love Instapaper like I hate it. It just makes it easy to postpone reading.
5. Plan a girls getaway with a friend. And meet another set of really close girl friends somehow.

Every month teaches me something new. Some of you may wonder how this is helping at all since most of the time I hardly achieve anything. I do achieve something. I do regular pedicures now - it's relaxing if not anything else, my fitness levels have improved thanks to previous challenges and just the fact that I keep thinking that I have these challenges keeps me on my feet. Some of us need a push like this. And I'm doing well with it.

If nothing else, the past two months have shown that I may have taken on too many challenges (because I'm a compulsive list maker!) in the last 2-3 months. So, this month is sober. No major goals, just extremely utilitarian things that need to get done.

So, how is your November looking?