I'd fallen into a nice rhythm. Yoga, work, home, cooking, getting ready for the big move to our own home. And then it happened. I went to a very close friend's wedding reception, convinced the workaholic her that I need to get back to work the next morning and not spend time watching her get married. We agreed to meet once she settled down.
Got to my mum's house, spent the night and woke up early next morning to get to work to start on my June goals. Full of hope, optimism and a lot of resolve. It was right after my appraisal and I had everything to win and nothing to lose.
Then it happened. Buckling stomach pain. Ready to collapse. Took meds and thought I'd sleep it away and go back to office later. It might have been the food from the wedding. Or, food from the roadside stall I'd thulped Pani Puris from. My sister, the world's best doctor dropped names of several illnesses. Not one to shy away from big illnesses or fear that something was wrong with me, a medical appointment was sought.
Got to my mum's house, spent the night and woke up early next morning to get to work to start on my June goals. Full of hope, optimism and a lot of resolve. It was right after my appraisal and I had everything to win and nothing to lose.
Then it happened. Buckling stomach pain. Ready to collapse. Took meds and thought I'd sleep it away and go back to office later. It might have been the food from the wedding. Or, food from the roadside stall I'd thulped Pani Puris from. My sister, the world's best doctor dropped names of several illnesses. Not one to shy away from big illnesses or fear that something was wrong with me, a medical appointment was sought.
Spent a month at home. Doing nothing. Thinking about nothing. But just lying down and sleeping and eating and getting fed up of everything.
I came back to work almost a month later. There was no way anyone could stop me. I was going mad at home staring at the fan. On some days at work, I thought I'd made a mistake coming back. By the time I walked down to the kitchen to heat my lunch and come back to join the others, I'd be panting. I wasn't the same. Didn't feel the same. Couldn't run up and down the stairs looking for information. Couldn't cope with stand up meetings. I had to sit down. Couldn't think because I was busy trying not catch my breath. I didn't like it. I rebelled continuing to stand. Paid the price every evening when I got home and collapsed on the bed in pain. I'm 30 years old and I was going to live with back pain all my life.
I'm also a woman who hopes to set an example for other girls in my office and my life. I wasn't going to be a wimp and not stand with all these men and get work done. One particular day, after a harrowing, hectic day, I skipped dinner and slept at 7.30 PM oblivious to everyone and everything. This is quite significant considering I'm an insomniac even on the most hectic of days. I woke up at 3 AM the next morning. Opened my laptop to start working. I remembered someone then.
I came back to work almost a month later. There was no way anyone could stop me. I was going mad at home staring at the fan. On some days at work, I thought I'd made a mistake coming back. By the time I walked down to the kitchen to heat my lunch and come back to join the others, I'd be panting. I wasn't the same. Didn't feel the same. Couldn't run up and down the stairs looking for information. Couldn't cope with stand up meetings. I had to sit down. Couldn't think because I was busy trying not catch my breath. I didn't like it. I rebelled continuing to stand. Paid the price every evening when I got home and collapsed on the bed in pain. I'm 30 years old and I was going to live with back pain all my life.
I'm also a woman who hopes to set an example for other girls in my office and my life. I wasn't going to be a wimp and not stand with all these men and get work done. One particular day, after a harrowing, hectic day, I skipped dinner and slept at 7.30 PM oblivious to everyone and everything. This is quite significant considering I'm an insomniac even on the most hectic of days. I woke up at 3 AM the next morning. Opened my laptop to start working. I remembered someone then.
A colleague worked really hard and was absolutely brilliant at what she did. On a Saturday, when she was working from home, her 6-7 year old kid asked to go out to play and she said yes. The kid came back hurt. My colleague lost it. She called and cried and was panicked.She felt guilty she was working instead of spending time with her child. Everyone was calling her an irresponsible mother. The interesting thing was that the father was around at home as well. No one said anything to him. And she has a fairly supportive family. I'd been very vocal in my support for her and told her that it wasn't her fault. One of my colleagues was invited as part of Women's Day celebrations at her child's school and was asked to speak. She wondered why they'd asked her to speak.
I had issues. I was beating myself for something that wasn't in my control. No one thought I was weak because I wanted to sit down. No one thought I was weak because I didn't want to run up and down the stairs. Only, I thought about it.
I'm making a conscious attempt now. To sit down when I want, to get home early and rest my back. To delegate and not do everything myself. This has been a huge lesson for me in terms of honing my leadership skills and in terms of not being guilty. This is the jolt I needed.
I plan to have it all because I think I can. I will make sure others in my position - men and women get all the support to do what they want to do, what they think they can. Not going to limit myself or all the men and women I work with limit themselves.
Why can't you?
