It's been ages since I posted here and as the pattern goes, I post here when I feel strongly about something. I've been feeling something rather strongly in the last 2 weeks. It's made me uncomfortable, unhappy and happy, doubt myself and push myself beyond limits.
I got promoted 2 weeks ago. There. I've said it. I didn't talk about it. My husband was on a trek when I got promoted. I sent him an impersonal Whatsapp message. Some people asked me why I didn't show any joy. Or, why I wasn't talking about it. Or, if I was being one of those 'oh this is nothing' kind of people. I didn't know and that's been troubling me.
People at work have been talking about it, my team sent me sweet messages enough to make me cry about it, my husband came back home thrilled to hear the news. My parents were proud. What happened to me?
I spoke to a colleague about it the other day and he asked me to think through, step back from the daily 'khit-phit' and so on and so forth. Made sense. Pushed myself to do that (something I've been trying to do for quite sometime, btw). Did I deserve it? Had I performed that well? Didn't the x metric look bad? Didn't my presentation suck? How many new ideas have I had in the last 2 months? Nil. So, I needed to get back on track. Get up at an unearthly 4 AM, read up, be on top of every email, every conversation I might need to have. Exercise, feel guilty for every coffee break I took...Just didn't end.
Today, this nice guy I work with pointed out how it isn't about my past performance, but what I could be capable of. And how I was being an obstacle to my own success by letting this affect me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been talking about it forever and making my fellow female colleagues realise it. Making myself realise it at every step, but when it came down to me striding forward taking charge, I dithered. The Damocles' Sword of effing self-doubt. I don't know if it's because I'm a woman. Or, if it's because it's me. Either way, not right. I think it's because I'm a woman. I'm yet to meet a male colleague who has gone through the emotional trauma I go through every time something nice happens professionally to me.
I suddenly wondered if I was worth it. It hurts me and my feminist ego that I couldn't figure this out earlier. I wasn't like this when I decided to stand up for myself and refused to write the CET exam. I had no doubts whatsoever then. I had no doubts when I threw all caution to the winds and decided to get married to A after talking to him for 2 hours. Or, when I decided to be myself when I speak to my customers. The sword fell on top of my head today. The bricks, the sword. Quite a day it has been.
Talking about this openly has helped me. And I'm hoping it helps a lot of women I know that suffer from similar bouts of madness. I'm going to stop treading on egg shells. And run. Run as fast as I can and enjoy it. My knees might get damaged forever, I might trip and fall, dogs may chase me and I might not make good time. But hey, I didn't quit because there is this stupid voice in my head telling me to quit.
Oh yeah, meet the new Director on the block, baby. We'll talk on LinkedIn now ;)
I got promoted 2 weeks ago. There. I've said it. I didn't talk about it. My husband was on a trek when I got promoted. I sent him an impersonal Whatsapp message. Some people asked me why I didn't show any joy. Or, why I wasn't talking about it. Or, if I was being one of those 'oh this is nothing' kind of people. I didn't know and that's been troubling me.
People at work have been talking about it, my team sent me sweet messages enough to make me cry about it, my husband came back home thrilled to hear the news. My parents were proud. What happened to me?
I spoke to a colleague about it the other day and he asked me to think through, step back from the daily 'khit-phit' and so on and so forth. Made sense. Pushed myself to do that (something I've been trying to do for quite sometime, btw). Did I deserve it? Had I performed that well? Didn't the x metric look bad? Didn't my presentation suck? How many new ideas have I had in the last 2 months? Nil. So, I needed to get back on track. Get up at an unearthly 4 AM, read up, be on top of every email, every conversation I might need to have. Exercise, feel guilty for every coffee break I took...Just didn't end.
Today, this nice guy I work with pointed out how it isn't about my past performance, but what I could be capable of. And how I was being an obstacle to my own success by letting this affect me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been talking about it forever and making my fellow female colleagues realise it. Making myself realise it at every step, but when it came down to me striding forward taking charge, I dithered. The Damocles' Sword of effing self-doubt. I don't know if it's because I'm a woman. Or, if it's because it's me. Either way, not right. I think it's because I'm a woman. I'm yet to meet a male colleague who has gone through the emotional trauma I go through every time something nice happens professionally to me.
I suddenly wondered if I was worth it. It hurts me and my feminist ego that I couldn't figure this out earlier. I wasn't like this when I decided to stand up for myself and refused to write the CET exam. I had no doubts whatsoever then. I had no doubts when I threw all caution to the winds and decided to get married to A after talking to him for 2 hours. Or, when I decided to be myself when I speak to my customers. The sword fell on top of my head today. The bricks, the sword. Quite a day it has been.
Talking about this openly has helped me. And I'm hoping it helps a lot of women I know that suffer from similar bouts of madness. I'm going to stop treading on egg shells. And run. Run as fast as I can and enjoy it. My knees might get damaged forever, I might trip and fall, dogs may chase me and I might not make good time. But hey, I didn't quit because there is this stupid voice in my head telling me to quit.
Oh yeah, meet the new Director on the block, baby. We'll talk on LinkedIn now ;)
