Owl and Leaf

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. Four months is a lot of time in the life of a baby. A busy baby.



Eleanor always keeps me busy. She's becoming an amazing, head-strong, smart little girl. She's still walking a lot but not quite on her own yet. She takes maybe 7 steps max and then she realizes what she's doing and grabs your hand or the couch or goes to the ground. She's finally crawling too. For the longest time she was doing the commando crawling, or as we called it the Terminator crawl.

She's babbling all day long. She says "uh-oh" and when she sees Alice the dog she screams "Ahhhh". We just need the "liss" to make it a word!

She's eating like a champ. She wants whatever we're eating and she wants to feed it to herself. She won't eat avocado off a spoon but she's feed herself almost a whole one! It's messy but cute. But still no teeth! Every time she has a fussy spell or doesn't finish a bottle or has a messy diaper I think it's a tooth finally but nothing yet!

But I guess my real reason for writing besides updating is get some things off my chest. I am so excited for the holidays and to share them with Eleanor. To start new traditions. To spend time with family and friends. But I find myself thinking more and more of Stella. I miss her so much. I was talking to R last night about when we went to NYC to see the Rockefeller Christmas tree. I was pregnant and I couldn't remember if it was last year or the year before. It was with Stella, 2 years ago. I feel like last year as a blank year. All I remember is spending New Years in the hospital with dehydration. Anyway, I feel like this year there's so much I want to do and make, like I'm making up for a lost year.

Then I read this that Small Bird Studio posted on facebook. I've been wanting to start a tradition of giving back to people in need for the holidays and didn't know where to look. This woman chooses a child the same age as her angel to give a gift to. I lost it telling R about it. Stella would be almost 2 years old.

I can't even imagine what life would be like if she had lived. I feel like no one in our lives knows the heartache we still feel.

Part of me has been wondering about having another child too. I haven't even breathed a word to R who I believe doesn't want another child. But I'm feeling during this time of year how nice to would be to give Eleanor another sibling. Someone to share with and grow with and spend holidays with. I want to have a house full of love and laughter and, of course, we'll have that but wouldn't more be nice too? It doesn't help that lately R is having difficulty with his family and I haven't talked to my brother in ages. (don't ask! Ugh!) Part of me wonders if siblings are worth it! :) I do have a wonderful sister, who didn't like me until she was 18 and I was 13. We're good now. And is it just this time of year? Or do I really want another child? Can I face the stress of the pregnancy and having Eleanor? What will R think? Wow.

Godzilla baby can't leave anything alone!

Wow, 6 months. We made it half a year. Those first 3 months were hard but these last 3 months were easier. And Eleanor is so much fun now. She's sitting up pretty well on her own. She really only falls over if she's reaching for something far away or, having gotten that something, tries to get back to sitting up and over shoots it. I didn't realize how much I would like just being able to sit her somewhere, rather than lay her down. Of course she doesn't want to sit for long. She much prefers to "walk" She likes to grab your hands and with help stand up and walk around. I've tried to show her she can grab the ottoman or even just my leg and pull herself up but she doesn't have the strength yet. She loves walking. She hones in on what she wants, usually the dog, and starts going in that direction. It's so cute.




The dog's toy is more fun than mine!

And we're on food now. It took a while for her to understand what she was supposed to do!  She thinks it's play time. As soon as you put a spoon full of food in her mouth she puts her hands in and scrapes it all out and then smears it on the tray and on her face, in her eyes, in her hair, on my arms, etc. She is finally now after maybe 3 weeks eating a decent amount of food. The newest "thing" is that she much prefers jarred food to the stuff I make at home. The only way to get her to eat something homemade is to mix it with jarred prunes. Yeah, this baby loves prunes. So weird but at least she's regular.

She has a lot of "things"!!
I think the biggest accomplishment recently has been no swaddle! She seemed to be getting more frustrated being in it than comforted. Have I mentioned yet how much she moves?! I swear she does laps in her crib all night long! We're doing a sleep sack now and she's doing fine.

But it's really that once we get one thing down and feel good she changes on us. The past week she's back to wanting a bottle at night. My theory is that now that she's eating dinner she doesn't always finish her bottle before bed so I think she really is hungry in the middle of the night. Sigh.

A big milestone for us this month was Eleanor's first trip with Daddy and my first night (actually 2) to myself. R went to New Jersey to visit his family because his brother was visiting from Miami. There was MUCH conversation about what days to go so I could go-blah, blah,blah- it turned out easiest if R went without me. Honestly I was glad to not have to go and deal with the in-laws and have to take care of Eleanor. I did much better than I thought I would being alone. I cried a little when they first left but then I had to focus on getting ready for work and taking care of the dog. The next day, after a night of not getting up for anyone else...I still had to pee, I went for a hike with the dog, went to see a movie, got a pedicure. I also did errands and chores around the house but it was the perfect mix of relaxing and getting things done. And they were back the following day. I really needed it. I felt recharged. And I trusted R with her. Honestly he is awesome with her when it's just the two of them; he is totally 100% on daddy duty. It's only when it's the 3 of us I get frustrated because then he seems to pay attention to her only like 40% of the time!

Our other milestone this month we reached was Stella's 18 month birthday. I can't help but think of how our lives would be different if she were here. We wouldn't have Eleanor but we wouldn't have the sadness in our hearts all the time.

Next big milestone, Eleanor's first airplane trip at the end of August. Baby's first jet-lag! It's going to be a long vacation on the west coast. There are sure to be stories. Stay tuned!

I'm annoyed with technology. I had this whole post written and with one click it was all gone. I hate giving it all for nothing. But I guess I should just be pleased that I got the words out of my head in the first place.

I have a post about Eleanor being 6 months old that I've been writing for weeks now and still not posted. Perhaps this evening.... Funny thing is I'm at work writing right now, just like this blog started.

I've been having a hard time finding the time or energy to write. I'm having a great time at home with Eleanor and I can't pull myself away. And at night I just don't have the energy to blog. I think I've been feeling a little blue lately. I am overjoyed with my little chickie but it's hard to redefine who you are around another person. I want to be a strong positive influence and keep my interests but sometimes it's hard to and then I feel guilt and annoyance that I'm not being a super mom. I like to sew and do crafty things but I haven't since E came around. I thought I would and I get mad at myself because I could technically make the time I suppose. But I don't.

Same with blogging. I want to write about my experiences with Eleanor but I feel blank when I sit to write. Even when writing in my own personal journal, I find it hard.

I feel stuck. It's part not knowing this new person that I am. This new mom. It's part that I want to move. I'm sick of our house. I want a little more room; something new or different. I want to be in a town I really like and take E to a park I really like. I don't know how we're going to be able to sell our house. Nothing in my town sells. Especially the little houses like mine.  Then where do we move? Do we move acorss the country? R can't give up his job. It's a great job. He sells chocolate. He works from home, makes his own hours, and, come on, sells chocolate! He obviously makes enough for me to stay home. How can he quit for us to pick up and move somewhere completely new? But we don't know where to move around here.

R doesn't seem to understand. Did anyone else have a hard time with the transition? And it feels worse somehow because with a rainbow baby I feel like I should be over the rainbow. But life isn't perfect and I feel like I need to come to terms with that.

It's been so long since I blogged. Eleanor is now 5 months old and she is even more demanding of my attention than ever! She has become so much more interactive and even when she could probably play by herself I get so engrossed in playing with her and watching her. I've never had this kind of close interaction with a young baby. I used to babysit but never you kids this young. Eleanor amazes me. I love to watch her figure out new things. She can roll back and forth and see what toys are on her mat and then pick one specific one to then chew on! And she chews on everything! She can grabs things and really hold on now so whenever she gets her hands on something -pop- it's in her mouth! She's drooling like crazy. She soaks through her clothes every day. Not only can she roll back and forth, she can roll over now too. I love to watch her roll over onto all her toys. She seems so surprised! She can't get back to her back yet so it usually heads up with crying and me flipping her over. But because she is able to flip on her own now she's tolerating tummy time much more. Her head is slowly becoming less flat! Hooray!

She's also getting better at sitting up. She only needs minimal holding. She also really likes standing! She holds on my fingers and stands so tall! Sometimes she "dances" too. And she;s really digging the jumperoo now. I make dinner and sing and dance in front of her and she laughs and laughs and jumps!



That laugh. I understand now why parents are so dumb. You will do *anything* to get that laugh or smile. I make up such dumb songs and dance like a monkey just to see Eleanor light up.

We;re on all bottles now. I had a harder time giving it up than I thought. Because Eleanor was so reluctant to take the bottle we had to feed her facing out and I really missed the cuddle time, especially before bed or at night. But I figured out a good way to cuddle her while feeding her her bottle now. And she falls asleep in my arms practically every night now. I think the hardest part was when we were down to just one nursing session a day she didn't want the breast anymore. After everything, she told me when she was done. It was bittersweet.

Things have been a little tough lately and I'm not sure what always triggers the sadness. On June 25th, Stella had been gone for 16 months. She would 16 months old. She would be walking and talking. There is a year of my life that went by in a haze of tears. I love being home but sometimes it leaves me a lot of time to think. Am I doing enough to remember Stella? The other night I lay awake in bed remembering the hospital and remembering my time with her. I don't think about it often but I don't want to forget one detail. It's all I have of her.

In the hospital with Stella, when we were sure she wasn't going to live R and I would sleep with her. She was all swaddled and her temperature wasn't very good so we would tuck her in that little hospital cot with one of us and sleep. Now I love to sleep with Eleanor. I don't know if I think this is a bad habit to start or not but I like it. She usually starts to fuss and would wake up around 5am but when I bring her to our bed and hold her binky in and hold her she can sleep easily another hour or more. I love it but sometimes I look over at her swaddled and sound asleep and she looks so much like Stella I want to cry. I don't like to watch her sleep. It's too much like she might never wake up. I only ever watch her long enough to be sure she's sound asleep and breathing.

I told my mom that parenting seems to be mostly luck. You try a million things and if one thing works you look like an awesome parent. She told me it's more like trial and error. I had to disagree because what works one day doesn't always work the next! Parenting is 98% luck, 2% holding your breath.

Eleanor is now 4 months old.

She's getting to be so alert and interactive now. It's amazing how much more aware she is of her surroundings. She's very curious. When she's awake she wants to look around all the time. She loves to people watch and kid watch, especially. Wherever we are, if she hears a kid she looks all around. She's 25.5 inches tall and 14lbs 8oz. We're now up to 3 bottles of formula a day with morning, night, and middle of night, if she needs it, of nursing. I must say these formula diapers are horrendous!! I knew the poop was going to change but oh my goodness. I practically have to hold my nose!!! She's awake more during the day which is fun but it means I get less done because she likes to have my full attention. R got her first laugh a couple weeks ago. It was so amazing! He was razzing her neck and she had this evil little sounding laugh. Since then she has changed it to be a high pitched squealing/screeching laugh. But either way she has this huge toothless grin as she grabs your face and waits for the next razz to start.

But the new month is bringing new challenges. We're still figuring out which formula to use. We started with regular and she seemed to get bad gas and cried with the pain. We went to gentle and that seemed better. Then we tried soy and she seems to be doing good. She hardly even burps. Of course, she also seems to be eating slower than before, which could be part of it too. But do we go back to gentle or stick with soy?! Does it even matter? I feel like she's more hungry with the soy. Is that a real thing? Argh!

The next challenge is that suddenly Eleanor seems to hate R! In the past few days she screams whenever R picks her up or tries to give her a bottle. I've been back to work one weekend day a week for 3 weeks now and her and R spend all day together. She is good for most of the day but then cries around 5ish and won't take a bottle. Granted she is cranky most days around 5ish, even if I am home, but it gets to R. This past weekend I worked Saturday and Monday and it was so flipping hot R didn't do much. I think Eleanor got bored and R got bored and they fed off each other's energy. So she cried. Then Tuesday I went to yoga at night and R had to give her a bedtime bottle. She cried. Since then she screams whenever he holds her. Sometimes it's right away. Sometimes it takes 15 minutes. But it ends the same and R gets so frustrated he has to put her down which makes it worse and he can't calm her down. I have no answer. I try not to go to the rescue but I can't stand to hear her cry. It breaks my heart. I know it breaks his heart too.

And it's especially tough because R has been in a funk lately. This time of year is very slow for him for work and he doesn't always know what to do with himself. Before, when I worked, he would go out and take the dog for long walks. But because I'm home he tends to hang around more. He's bored which leads to thinking which leads to analyzing and over analyzing everything. He wants to move, but there's no way we can sell our house right now and even break even. He doesn't know where he wants to move except Oregon, that is all the way across the country. He's been missing Stella and wonders where we are with the legal aspects of our loss. So all these things have been bringing him down, and me.

Both R and I have been feeling Stella's loss a lot lately. I don't know why now. I felt like on Monday at work every little kid that came into the museum was 15  months old. Stella would be 15 months old now.  I'm supposed to have that. Stella is supposed to be walking and exploring. I should be the one taking her to the museum and not sitting there watching other kids run and play.

Then there's the vaccinations. We talked to the doctor about Eleanor's reactions at 2 months. He didn't seem overly concerned, which made us mad. She had a fever of 102! The cut-off for bringing her in was 102.5. We were a half degree from bringing her to emergency room. Isn't that serious enough to warrant some kind of special attention? The doctor wanted to give her one shot a week to see if we can figure out which shot made her sick. I guess that would work but what if she gets the fever again, or the pain or diarrhea? How can we bring her in the next week? Does it mean a month of sickness for the poor girl? We're trying to make life more normal not make her sick every 7 days. We're going to get a second opinion from a different doctor next week. Then we'll have a plan of action. If we're going to wait to give her the shots, then I wish we could give agree to that and stop having to talk about this every 2 months.

I really hate to wrap up posts with negative thoughts. It feels like going to bed mad. I feel like I have to make up with the universe after venting. So I will end with this cute photo:




Okay, one more:



Has drool ever looked more beautiful?



R and I have been in a funk lately. This rainy spring weather doesn't help. We've both been a little weepy. Sometimes when I'm with Eleanor it hits me what we lost. Stella's life was so surreal- being in the NICU the whole time. I can't believe we now have a baby at home. We make the decisions for her. It's not easy.

The other day we went to the store and this woman had a baby in the shopping cart (or as R says wagon-so weird, right?!!). We are constantly surprised by the size of babies because I feel like Eleanor is huge so we often ask people how old their babies are. We asked her and she said 14 months. All I could think of is that Stella would be that age. What would she be like? Would she be smiley or serious? Would she be a good eater? Would she love to snuggle?

Next week we'll find out officially how huge Eleanor is. Every once in a while I pick her up and I realize she feels suddenly heavier and bigger. She still hates tummy time but she's starting to spend play time on her mat on her side. She rolls back and forth to her side and ends up moving in a circle around the mat! We're working on taking naps in her crib. Right now she usually sleeps in her swing but I want to try to quit the swaddle at night so I figure if we can get her to sleep during the day without a swaddle then we can get her to sleep at night without the swaddle. She sleeps in the crib just fine but she still wakes up after only like 45 minutes. But as of now she still sleeps the longest in the swing.

Also, breastfeeding. Ahh, breastfeeding, breastfeeding, breastfeeding. This is still happening because I am crazy! Eleanor is now taking a bottle! Hooray! Any bottle, given by anyone, with anything in it! It only took 3 long, long weeks! But she seems to get an upset stomach when we feed her by bottle. At first we thought it was formula so we stopped that and gave her breast milk. But R gave her 3 bottles on Sunday, while I was working, and she seemed to have gas then too. She is a fast eater and eats a lot so maybe she is getting a lot of air but if you pull the bottle away to burp her she screams. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of burping? Sigh. As of today, she had a bottle with "gentle" formula. We'll see how she does with that.

In the meantime, I am now feeling bittersweet about giving up breastfeeding. It's our bonding time. It's our snuggle and be warm and quiet time. It's the only time in my life I will do this. (We don't plan to have more children.)

But I still remember all the reasons why I wanted to stop. In fact, I went back to work for one day last weekend (I am no longer the assistant to the director at an art museum. Instead I work the front lines-visitor services one day a week. So far, so good.) and I had to pump. Pumping sucks but doing it in an office at the museum, while trying to eat lunch at the same time, hoping everyone respects the "do not disturb" sign is one of the worst experiences ever!

I'm rambling. My head is spinning. I feel so discombobulated with all the thoughts of Stella and starting work and all the cold rain and figuring out Eleanor's feeding and everything else life throws at me.

I guess a cute photo of Eleanor will help.

I survived Mother's Day with only a few tears. I think I cried more leading up to the day. I wrote my mom a long note with her card. I feel like losing Stella clouded the fact that I was a mother last year. Only my mom got me a Mother's Day card last year. This year with that experience and with having Eleanor I finally reached the realization of everything my mom has done for me. Not just dealing with a fussy baby and snuggling the baby me, but the past 28 years of raising me. I'm sure it wasn't easy. My parents got divorced when I was 7 and my mom took care of me and my brother and sister. She had to deal with us and working full time. And I finally understand the depth of love that my mom feels for me. I love Eleanor more deeply and more completely than anyone or anything in my life. No one will ever love her as much as her mother does.

But this is not easy. Sometimes when it gets hard I like to think of all those dopey people out there that raise fairly normal children. If they can do it, we can. But some days are better than others. Right now the bottles are getting easier...for me! Ugh! Now Eleanor will take a bottle from me but no one else. Sigh. R tries and Eleanor cries and cries. R gets frustrated and Eleanor feeds off that. Crying usually turns to screaming. Screaming that can only be controlled by swaddling and getting her to take a nap. R is feeling frustrated because he wants to play with her and he forgets she's still really little. He wants her to pick up a toy and interact with him. He wants her to sit up and babble. He's having a tough time with patience. It's hard for me to watch him struggle because I know I can swoop in and make her calm down but I don't want to do that to R. I try to give him advice that I've gathered from hours and hours of caring for her. He needs to learn to comfort her. It's all practice for the future. But he seems to give up mentally so soon and shuts down. He often mixes up her signals. He waits too long to "rescue" her when she's fussy. He complains about back and shoulder pain from holding her. He tries to put her down when she doesn't want to. He tries to control her; make her sit on his lap to watch TV when she wants to be walked around the house and look in all the mirrors.

I haven't spoiled her, have I? I carry her a lot but it's easier than dealing with a crying baby. And I do make my life revolve around hers. I go out when she's eaten and she's getting ready for a snooze. I come home when she's getting fussy. I jump up to get her binky when she's trying to fall asleep. Is it me?

Sigh!

In other news, Eleanor and I went to our first story hour at the library today. It's an interactive hour with stories, songs, puppets, and dancing for infants and toddlers up to 2 years old. She did great! She was so alert on my lap and was looking at all the kids. She was the youngest but she was so well behaved. She didn't fuss at all. She sat there drooling and chewing on her hands and mine. I bounced her and held her and sang to her. I felt like it was a really special time for us. I'd go back. And by the time we got moving in the car she was passed out asleep! Plus, maybe I can connect with another mom. I don't have any mom friends close by with babies Eleanor's age. I love the online community and it has been a huge help but there is something to say for that person that you can go and grab a coffee with.

And finally, a cute picture of a baby and a dog!