I'm just going to go ahead and finish up my blog challenge because I rarely go on the computer on the weekend. I sit at it all day during the week and the last thing I want to do on Saturday and Sunday is sit inside and think some more. I think this has been a useful exercise for me. It has gotten me to think about and talk about things I wouldn't normally bring up.
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
When we first found out we were pregnant, we still used the term "if we have a baby" and I've noticed that has slowly morphed into "when we have a baby". It's weird because I still don't trust in the universe to make sure my baby is okay. But because life involves some planning we have to assume that we will have a baby in January. I don't want to plan; perhaps you'll remember the posts with me freaking out about telling my boss my maternity leave plans. I just want to curl up in a ball and wake up in January. Someone else can make all the decisions between now and then!
But here goes for plans for the next 365 days:
November- my birthday. I am not terribly excited about it this year which is totally not like me. I used to talk it up a couple months in advance and send gift reminders to people and bake myself something special. This year I just want to spend it with R and Alice at home. The only request I've had is for R to bake me something. He rarely bakes and I want him to spend the time to make me something special.
Dominican Republic trip. R's family usually gets together for Thanksgiving and last year when everyone was together the idea was to all travel to the DR (we've done it before and it was great). So in January of this year we bought plane tickets and then it turned out no one else could go! So we're still going! Me and R for a week in the sunshine, in the pool, eating mangu (so good), and relaxing.
December- the holidays always make December fly by. Parties, shopping, decorating. I have mixed feelings about the holidays this year. We should have Stella here and for that reason we're sad but it's a time to reflect and refocus. I want to give back more, help people who are in worse situations than us. And as much as I want to enjoy my own pity party, there are a lot of people who are less fortunate than us.
January will definitely be baby focused. If we make it to the week of January 24, then the baby will be born then. Part of me wants to go early but I would be really scared to go into labor again. At my bad doctor appointment recently, she asked me if I planned to take a childbirth class. I said I already did, a year ago, and I wouldn't be taking another. She said she wanted to be sure I knew what labor was like. Again, I said, I do know. I'm scared to start the contractions and not know how the baby is reacting to them. I want to schedule the birth and have everything go as planned. I know nothing ever goes as planned but please can I have an anxiety free delivery?
Honestly, that is as far as we have planned! That is as far as we have hopes!
We haven't made a decision about my work yet. I can't see myself coming back to this job. Neither R or I want to put an infant in day care. We both think that if we can financially swing it, I would stay home or work part-time until the baby is 2 years old or so to go a day-care/preschool program. This could mean doing a different job at this museum or finding another job maybe even closer to home. We'll see. I have good connections here and in the area and I think I can find something that would work.
And our home we hope to change this year. Now that we aren't tied to living near the train station for my work, we can move to a bigger house with more land in a different town. It would be nice to work on a new house together. Who knows how long it will take though. Our house has been on the market for only 3 weeks but we've only had 1 showing so far.
Day 30 - a dream for the future
This is a silly question to ask someone who has lost a baby. I hope to have a healthy baby in the future. I hope this baby I carry now will be born alive and will thrive and grow up. I hope to keep Stella's memory alive. I hope to get back a little glimmer of that simple life that I always wanted with the small family, in the small house, in the small town. We will give thanks for the simple things we have.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Day 28- My bag
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Hi. My name is Amanda and I am a reformed commuter. HA! Meaning, I used to carry my life with me on the train to work everyday because I never knew what the day would bring. I often had complete meals with me, various projects, books, Ipod, change of shoes, hat, mittens, scarf, etc.
Since I've switched to being a normal commuter it's been hard to shake the feeling that I need to carry everything with me. In my bag, I currently have a smaller bag which contains my wallet, some business cards, and chapstick. This is something I developed during the train commute because I usually had a backpack and I didn't always want to bring the backpack if I went out for lunch or shopping. The smaller bag, a wristlet really, can also fit my cell-phone and keys if need be.
Then in my bag at large I have my planner and my checkbook. Again, I don't need to carry my checkbook with me but I usually pay bills at work so it's just easier to always have it with me. I also have a book, which I don't have a lot of time to read but I like to be prepared if I did. I have my Ipod touch, a small fold up hairbrush, sunglasses, and my car keys. I also have some throat drops, because my throat was sore a couple weeks ago with the high ragweed count. I have another chapstick, because you can never have enough chapstick and my day would be ruined without it (oh, I just put some on. So good!). And I have my cellphone, naturally.
I like to carry a big bag. I like to be prepared. And somehow I end up carrying some of R's stuff too when we're out: his sunglasses, a hat, the GPS. Something I used to think, and I guess I still do, is that it's good practice for a diaper bag. I wouldn't feel weird carrying a big bag with a change of clothes, diapers, wipes, etc. plus my own little wristlet with keys, wallet, cellphone, and chapstick. Me and my baby would be all set. Will be all set, I hope.
Hi. My name is Amanda and I am a reformed commuter. HA! Meaning, I used to carry my life with me on the train to work everyday because I never knew what the day would bring. I often had complete meals with me, various projects, books, Ipod, change of shoes, hat, mittens, scarf, etc.
Since I've switched to being a normal commuter it's been hard to shake the feeling that I need to carry everything with me. In my bag, I currently have a smaller bag which contains my wallet, some business cards, and chapstick. This is something I developed during the train commute because I usually had a backpack and I didn't always want to bring the backpack if I went out for lunch or shopping. The smaller bag, a wristlet really, can also fit my cell-phone and keys if need be.
Then in my bag at large I have my planner and my checkbook. Again, I don't need to carry my checkbook with me but I usually pay bills at work so it's just easier to always have it with me. I also have a book, which I don't have a lot of time to read but I like to be prepared if I did. I have my Ipod touch, a small fold up hairbrush, sunglasses, and my car keys. I also have some throat drops, because my throat was sore a couple weeks ago with the high ragweed count. I have another chapstick, because you can never have enough chapstick and my day would be ruined without it (oh, I just put some on. So good!). And I have my cellphone, naturally.
I like to carry a big bag. I like to be prepared. And somehow I end up carrying some of R's stuff too when we're out: his sunglasses, a hat, the GPS. Something I used to think, and I guess I still do, is that it's good practice for a diaper bag. I wouldn't feel weird carrying a big bag with a change of clothes, diapers, wipes, etc. plus my own little wristlet with keys, wallet, cellphone, and chapstick. Me and my baby would be all set. Will be all set, I hope.
Bummer
So I got the call yesterday, I failed the 1 hour glucose screen. Ugh. So on Tuesday I have to go in for the 3-hour test. I can't imagine a worse test to take. Fasting, then drinking that awful drink, then waiting around for 3-hours to get stuck a bunch of times.
First off, I need breakfast! I'm hungry in the morning! Then I have to drink that horrible drink on an empty stomach! Then I have to have my blood drawn, which I can't stand! I don't know how I'm going to make it through this test without throwing up. Between the empty stomach, the sugar and the needles, there is a good chance I will end up face down on the floor. Thank goodness R can be with me that day. I am seriously going to need some help by the end. I've already told my boss not to expect me at work. I am going to feel like crap after a morning like that.
I think I've mentioned it before but I found out I was pregnant with Stella by passing out after a blood test. Since then I have been extremely nervous about having my blood drawn, which doesn't help at all. My heart races and I get flushed. I've often had to sit in the chair after drinking juice and eating a snack before I can get up. See, even thinking about it is making me anxious!
Anyone have to take the 3-hour test? Is it terrible?
First off, I need breakfast! I'm hungry in the morning! Then I have to drink that horrible drink on an empty stomach! Then I have to have my blood drawn, which I can't stand! I don't know how I'm going to make it through this test without throwing up. Between the empty stomach, the sugar and the needles, there is a good chance I will end up face down on the floor. Thank goodness R can be with me that day. I am seriously going to need some help by the end. I've already told my boss not to expect me at work. I am going to feel like crap after a morning like that.
I think I've mentioned it before but I found out I was pregnant with Stella by passing out after a blood test. Since then I have been extremely nervous about having my blood drawn, which doesn't help at all. My heart races and I get flushed. I've often had to sit in the chair after drinking juice and eating a snack before I can get up. See, even thinking about it is making me anxious!
Anyone have to take the 3-hour test? Is it terrible?
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Day 27- Habits
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
I think my worst habit since Stella died is falling back on my anti-social tendencies. I have never been terribly social. I prefer to spend time by myself and I don't like to talk on the phone. I've really allowed myself to fall back into my own life even further using my sadness as an excuse. Thank goodness for R who is much more social than me and often plans outings with our friends. And thank goodness for the BLM community online because often those are the only people I want to talk to!
I also avoid things a lot. Like this metalsmithing class I'm taking. I like it but I don't love it and I'm thinking about not going tonight. I've been in a bad mood lately and the thought of spending 3 hours after working all day with people I don't really like and R is going out of town tomorrow night for work and I just plan want to go home and wallow in my sadness.
I think if I was not pregnant right now I would have a lot more bad habits. Often times after a hard day all I want is to drink myself into a silly mood. I know that sounds bad but I'm not a heavy drinker by any means. In fact, I hate feeling hungover so I know my limits well. But I just want those 2 or 3 glasses of wine to feel fuzzy and silly. It's not a terrible habit but when Stella first died it was almost a daily thing to want that fuzzy feeling.
Also, I don't think I would be taking as good care of myself as I am because I have a baby growing in me. Well, that's not true. I think I would be a little crazy about my body image and getting back that pre-baby body but I know I wouldn't eat very well. I don't eat as well as I did while pregnant with Stella just because I don't have the motivation to cook a big, healthy meal.
I think my worst habit since Stella died is falling back on my anti-social tendencies. I have never been terribly social. I prefer to spend time by myself and I don't like to talk on the phone. I've really allowed myself to fall back into my own life even further using my sadness as an excuse. Thank goodness for R who is much more social than me and often plans outings with our friends. And thank goodness for the BLM community online because often those are the only people I want to talk to!
I also avoid things a lot. Like this metalsmithing class I'm taking. I like it but I don't love it and I'm thinking about not going tonight. I've been in a bad mood lately and the thought of spending 3 hours after working all day with people I don't really like and R is going out of town tomorrow night for work and I just plan want to go home and wallow in my sadness.
I think if I was not pregnant right now I would have a lot more bad habits. Often times after a hard day all I want is to drink myself into a silly mood. I know that sounds bad but I'm not a heavy drinker by any means. In fact, I hate feeling hungover so I know my limits well. But I just want those 2 or 3 glasses of wine to feel fuzzy and silly. It's not a terrible habit but when Stella first died it was almost a daily thing to want that fuzzy feeling.
Also, I don't think I would be taking as good care of myself as I am because I have a baby growing in me. Well, that's not true. I think I would be a little crazy about my body image and getting back that pre-baby body but I know I wouldn't eat very well. I don't eat as well as I did while pregnant with Stella just because I don't have the motivation to cook a big, healthy meal.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Day 26- My week
Before I get started I need to say that I had a doctor's appointment yesterday that I was very nervous about. My last one two weeks ago was a mess. It was chaotic, too many people coming and going from the exam room and only giving me half answers to my questions. Even my doctor seemed frazzled and told me I wouldn't have another ultrasound until 36 weeks. I felt confused and frustrated and angry. So with the appointment looming yesterday I feared that it would be the same and I would be tempted to find another doctor and office. But it was much better. I don't think I will ever be completely comfortable with another doctor and hospital but this appointment was easier. Plus I had R along and it was his first time meeting the doctor.
So far everything still checks out normal for this little baby. I did my one-hour glucose test, not bad at all. I didn't have a problem the first time so I imagine I won't have any trouble this time. And I was able to schedule another ultrasound in 2 weeks! Plus it's going to be a more in-depth one with a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor there. I'm not high risk but because no one seems to know what happened during the last days, hours, minutes of my labor and delivery with Stella to cause problems, my doctor wants to be sure all systems are working like they should. Also, because I am electing to have a c-section I need to be cleared by the MFM doctor.
I'm excited to see my little Owl again and see him/her growing and moving and hopefully be reassured my the MFM doctor that all is well.
So, on to...
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
As you saw yesterday, my work days are not very exciting. In a typical week the only thing I do apart from typical day is Wednesday night. I am currently taking a metalsmithing class at the museum I work at. I feel like it's a little crazy for a pregnant woman to be working with metal but I wanted to take an art class this fall and I can figure out drawing and painting on my own. I have very little experience with metal and wanted to learn more. So I anneal (heat up the metal with a blowtorch), hammer, saw, drill, and file my Wednesday nights away.
Friday nights are usually extra mellow. We rent movies or borrow them from the library and get cozy on the couch and watch TV all night.
Saturdays change all the time. Since Stella died we haven't always liked to have nothing to do or stay home all day so we find things to do. Usually R or I will cook a nice breakfast of eggs and tater tots or pancakes. Then R takes the trash and recycling to the transfer station while I tidy up. Then we either take Alice for a walk somewhere or we do errands or we visit family or we go somewhere like Boston and walk around. Lately we've been spending Saturdays driving around checking out new neighborhoods to live and new houses to look at. Every other Saturday night R has his ukulele group. If he does, it's my time to super veg. I'm usually in my pajamas watching TV shows I recorded during the week or a movie R wouldn't want to see while I knit or crochet or read. If he's home we sometimes go out for dinner, out with friends, or we have another movie night. R and I are very much homebodies. It's been tough finding things to keep ourselves busy since Stella died.
Sundays are usually the same as Saturdays. We make breakfast and try to fill our days.
My life sounds really boring and I guess it is but I like it. The past few weekends we've been busy. We went to NJ to visit R's friend. R had a food show that I went to help with. We hung out with friends. We did a lot of house hunting and prepping our own house for sale.
And coming up this weekend, we have some more friend time. We're going out for dinner and a movie on Halloween so we don't have to deal with the kids and the candy and such. Then my sister invited us up to visit. Then it's my birthday and who knows what R has planned. Then we go away for vacation. Then it's December! Wow.
I have always been the person to say you shouldn't wish time away. You should enjoy what you have in the present. But I have been bad lately and have been wishing for January to come, and for the fear of this pregnancy to be over and to have a baby home. I know the fears don't end there but it's the point where I believe I can get back my appreciation of the present.
So far everything still checks out normal for this little baby. I did my one-hour glucose test, not bad at all. I didn't have a problem the first time so I imagine I won't have any trouble this time. And I was able to schedule another ultrasound in 2 weeks! Plus it's going to be a more in-depth one with a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor there. I'm not high risk but because no one seems to know what happened during the last days, hours, minutes of my labor and delivery with Stella to cause problems, my doctor wants to be sure all systems are working like they should. Also, because I am electing to have a c-section I need to be cleared by the MFM doctor.
I'm excited to see my little Owl again and see him/her growing and moving and hopefully be reassured my the MFM doctor that all is well.
So, on to...
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
As you saw yesterday, my work days are not very exciting. In a typical week the only thing I do apart from typical day is Wednesday night. I am currently taking a metalsmithing class at the museum I work at. I feel like it's a little crazy for a pregnant woman to be working with metal but I wanted to take an art class this fall and I can figure out drawing and painting on my own. I have very little experience with metal and wanted to learn more. So I anneal (heat up the metal with a blowtorch), hammer, saw, drill, and file my Wednesday nights away.
Friday nights are usually extra mellow. We rent movies or borrow them from the library and get cozy on the couch and watch TV all night.
Saturdays change all the time. Since Stella died we haven't always liked to have nothing to do or stay home all day so we find things to do. Usually R or I will cook a nice breakfast of eggs and tater tots or pancakes. Then R takes the trash and recycling to the transfer station while I tidy up. Then we either take Alice for a walk somewhere or we do errands or we visit family or we go somewhere like Boston and walk around. Lately we've been spending Saturdays driving around checking out new neighborhoods to live and new houses to look at. Every other Saturday night R has his ukulele group. If he does, it's my time to super veg. I'm usually in my pajamas watching TV shows I recorded during the week or a movie R wouldn't want to see while I knit or crochet or read. If he's home we sometimes go out for dinner, out with friends, or we have another movie night. R and I are very much homebodies. It's been tough finding things to keep ourselves busy since Stella died.
Sundays are usually the same as Saturdays. We make breakfast and try to fill our days.
My life sounds really boring and I guess it is but I like it. The past few weekends we've been busy. We went to NJ to visit R's friend. R had a food show that I went to help with. We hung out with friends. We did a lot of house hunting and prepping our own house for sale.
And coming up this weekend, we have some more friend time. We're going out for dinner and a movie on Halloween so we don't have to deal with the kids and the candy and such. Then my sister invited us up to visit. Then it's my birthday and who knows what R has planned. Then we go away for vacation. Then it's December! Wow.
I have always been the person to say you shouldn't wish time away. You should enjoy what you have in the present. But I have been bad lately and have been wishing for January to come, and for the fear of this pregnancy to be over and to have a baby home. I know the fears don't end there but it's the point where I believe I can get back my appreciation of the present.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Days 23-35
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
This video is awesome. It makes me laugh and brings me back to my teenage years of trying to copy dance moves from music videos!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WQHcQ3ueYA
Day 24 - where you live
I live in the tiny town of Ayer, MA. Population is about 7,000. It's a nice, hard-working, blue collar community and reminds me of a smaller version of my home town. After pursuing art for my job, it's a relief to go home and meet people whose first question upon meeting you isn't "what school did you go to?" When we moved to MA from VT we went straight to the coast, after a year plus of living there and not making a single friend we decided to move somewhere a little more 'us'. I worked in the city at the time so we needed to be on a train line. We picked an area we liked and kept moving west along the train line until we found a town that fit our needs, i.e. price range for buying a house. We have made friends with our neighbors and love walking downtown on Friday or Saturday night to play pool (interesting to watch a pregnant lady play pool) or listen to live music. Even though we are currently looking to leave town, for more land and more house, I'll always have fond memories of Ayer.
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
A Typical Weekday by Amanda:
6:30 -Alarm goes off
6:30-7:00-Lay in bed dozing and thinking about the day, what to wear, what's going on at work
7:00-Shower and get dressed
7:30-Coffee, pack lunch, make breakfast (usually an english muffin with PB), watch the Today show
7:45-Brush teeth, finishing touches on appearance, one last bathroom trip
8:15-Drive to work
9:00-Arrive at work
9:00-10:00-Catch up on emails
10:00-11:00- Catch up on blogs
11:00-1:00-More worky stuff
1:00-2:00- Lunch and/or going for a walk, weather permitting
2:00-4:00- Worky stuff
4:00-5:00- More slacking off
5:00-6:00- Drive home
6:00-6:30- Eat dinner/or make dinner is R is too busy to make dinner
6:30-7:00-Watch the news (I am kind of a current events junky)
7:00-8:00- Do various things around the house: play with the dog, tidy up
8:00-10:00- Prime-time TV
10:00-Bedtime, if I haven't already fallen asleep on the couch!
So that's it. It's not terribly exciting. My job isn't terribly exciting but I like my life. Up until Stella died, things were simple. And I still try to keep things simple, but as you know, with a missing baby there is no simple anymore.
This video is awesome. It makes me laugh and brings me back to my teenage years of trying to copy dance moves from music videos!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WQHcQ3ueYA
Day 24 - where you live
I live in the tiny town of Ayer, MA. Population is about 7,000. It's a nice, hard-working, blue collar community and reminds me of a smaller version of my home town. After pursuing art for my job, it's a relief to go home and meet people whose first question upon meeting you isn't "what school did you go to?" When we moved to MA from VT we went straight to the coast, after a year plus of living there and not making a single friend we decided to move somewhere a little more 'us'. I worked in the city at the time so we needed to be on a train line. We picked an area we liked and kept moving west along the train line until we found a town that fit our needs, i.e. price range for buying a house. We have made friends with our neighbors and love walking downtown on Friday or Saturday night to play pool (interesting to watch a pregnant lady play pool) or listen to live music. Even though we are currently looking to leave town, for more land and more house, I'll always have fond memories of Ayer.
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
A Typical Weekday by Amanda:
6:30 -Alarm goes off
6:30-7:00-Lay in bed dozing and thinking about the day, what to wear, what's going on at work
7:00-Shower and get dressed
7:30-Coffee, pack lunch, make breakfast (usually an english muffin with PB), watch the Today show
7:45-Brush teeth, finishing touches on appearance, one last bathroom trip
8:15-Drive to work
9:00-Arrive at work
9:00-10:00-Catch up on emails
10:00-11:00- Catch up on blogs
11:00-1:00-More worky stuff
1:00-2:00- Lunch and/or going for a walk, weather permitting
2:00-4:00- Worky stuff
4:00-5:00- More slacking off
5:00-6:00- Drive home
6:00-6:30- Eat dinner/or make dinner is R is too busy to make dinner
6:30-7:00-Watch the news (I am kind of a current events junky)
7:00-8:00- Do various things around the house: play with the dog, tidy up
8:00-10:00- Prime-time TV
10:00-Bedtime, if I haven't already fallen asleep on the couch!
So that's it. It's not terribly exciting. My job isn't terribly exciting but I like my life. Up until Stella died, things were simple. And I still try to keep things simple, but as you know, with a missing baby there is no simple anymore.
Friday, October 22, 2010
A meaningful website
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
I can't even begin to name all the blogs that have been helpful to me since Stella died.
Malory's was the first though- Mommy of an Angel. Malory and I grew up together, went to school together, played field hockey together but our circles never overlapped too much. I found out her baby girl, Janessa, died in May 2009 right around the same time I got pregnant with Stella. I have to admit I didn't reach out. I didn't know how to and I thought it might be weird because I hadn't seen her or talked to her in so long. I feel bad now because she reached out to me when Stella died and it wasn't weird at all! In fact, it was a relief. I will never again think it weird to reach out to someone no matter how long ago I knew them or how new they are in my life. I treasure each card and note we received when Stella died. Those were all the people that our story touched, that Stella's life touched, and even if they don't think of her everyday they know she existed.
Malory and I met and talked about our daughters and she shared with me the blog she started to help deal with her loss. I read it and went to all the links she had and slowly started adding blogs to my Reader. I have about 20 now that I read on a regular basis. I've become friendly with other BLMs and, like I said yesterday, they have all been such comfort to me.
Malory now has other blogs that she uses to help parents who have lost babies. Every Life Has A Story is where she makes free memorial videos for families to keep their childrens' memories alive. Keeping Their Memory Alive is a collection of memorial videos made by other parents. And Butterfly Footprints is where she takes the footprints of babies and makes them into beautiful butterflies!
Malory, thank you so much for helping guide me along this path. I wish we didn't have this in common but I really appreciate what you've done for me. And I hope in three short months we will be sharing something else in common, healthy little babies. Much love.
I can't even begin to name all the blogs that have been helpful to me since Stella died.
Malory's was the first though- Mommy of an Angel. Malory and I grew up together, went to school together, played field hockey together but our circles never overlapped too much. I found out her baby girl, Janessa, died in May 2009 right around the same time I got pregnant with Stella. I have to admit I didn't reach out. I didn't know how to and I thought it might be weird because I hadn't seen her or talked to her in so long. I feel bad now because she reached out to me when Stella died and it wasn't weird at all! In fact, it was a relief. I will never again think it weird to reach out to someone no matter how long ago I knew them or how new they are in my life. I treasure each card and note we received when Stella died. Those were all the people that our story touched, that Stella's life touched, and even if they don't think of her everyday they know she existed.
Malory and I met and talked about our daughters and she shared with me the blog she started to help deal with her loss. I read it and went to all the links she had and slowly started adding blogs to my Reader. I have about 20 now that I read on a regular basis. I've become friendly with other BLMs and, like I said yesterday, they have all been such comfort to me.
Malory now has other blogs that she uses to help parents who have lost babies. Every Life Has A Story is where she makes free memorial videos for families to keep their childrens' memories alive. Keeping Their Memory Alive is a collection of memorial videos made by other parents. And Butterfly Footprints is where she takes the footprints of babies and makes them into beautiful butterflies!
Malory, thank you so much for helping guide me along this path. I wish we didn't have this in common but I really appreciate what you've done for me. And I hope in three short months we will be sharing something else in common, healthy little babies. Much love.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Day 21- A Recipe
Day 21 - a recipe.
How fitting, a recipe after I talked all about my love of baking and cooking. Now how do I narrow it down?
I get recipes from all over the place-Martha. I have a love/hate relationship with Martha Stewart. I love her stuff, her crafts, her recipes but who the hell has the time and energy to do all that?!
I also get recipes from Vegetarian Times. R is a vegetarian and I am not. We mostly do vegetarian meals at home because neither of us wants to cook two different meals and it's just easier. If R cooked all the time it would seriously be pasta with red sauce, veggies with rice, veggie burgers, and maybe some canned soup thrown in there to mix it up, day after day! But I often get bored with the same old pasta and rice dishes so I look for new grains and beans to use for protein and fiber.
We do a lot of ethnic dishes. I love Asian food and can make a pretty decent veggie sushi roll.
I've been on a real soup kick lately. I like soup but can't stand the horrible stuff they put in cans. Plus, when we went on our trip after Stella died we had the most amazing tomato soup at this little place in Sedona, AZ. I think I have gotten pretty darn close to matching it! I make a great asparagus soup and tomato soup and corn chowder.
I think my love of cooking stems from not only liking food a lot but also I like to follow directions. I like to pick up a recipe and make something new by following the steps. I'm a rule follower! R will often tell me something he wants to eat and I find a recipe and make it for him. He loves it and raves about my latest creation-beer battered onion rings! Way easier to make than you'd think.
Anyway, enough rambling. Here's my recipe, my favorite of the moment:
Tomato Soup (great when served with grilled cheese sandwiches!!)
1 (14-ounce) can chopped tomatoes
3/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 stalk celery, diced
1 small carrot, diced
1 yellow onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 cup veggie broth
1 bay leaf
2 tablespoons butter
1/4 cup chopped fresh basil leaves
Directions
Preheat oven to 450 degrees F.
Strain the chopped canned tomatoes, reserving the juices, and spread onto a baking sheet, season with salt and pepper, to taste, drizzle with 1/4 cup of the olive oil and roast until caramelized, about 15 minutes.
Meanwhile, in a saucepan, heat remaining olive oil over medium-low heat. Add the celery, carrot, onion and garlic, cook until softened, about 10 minutes. Add the roasted chopped canned tomatoes, reserved tomato juices, chicken broth, bay leaf and butter. Simmer until vegetables are very tender, about 15 to 20 minutes. Add basil. Puree with a hand held immersion blender until smooth.
I think I just decided on dinner tonight!
And I want to thank those other BLMs out there that leave me comments and send me emails. I cannot tell you how much you give me comfort. Well I guess you understand because you've been there too. Even though we may all be at different points in this journey I see myself in each of you and gain strength from knowing I'm not alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
How fitting, a recipe after I talked all about my love of baking and cooking. Now how do I narrow it down?
I get recipes from all over the place-Martha. I have a love/hate relationship with Martha Stewart. I love her stuff, her crafts, her recipes but who the hell has the time and energy to do all that?!
I also get recipes from Vegetarian Times. R is a vegetarian and I am not. We mostly do vegetarian meals at home because neither of us wants to cook two different meals and it's just easier. If R cooked all the time it would seriously be pasta with red sauce, veggies with rice, veggie burgers, and maybe some canned soup thrown in there to mix it up, day after day! But I often get bored with the same old pasta and rice dishes so I look for new grains and beans to use for protein and fiber.
We do a lot of ethnic dishes. I love Asian food and can make a pretty decent veggie sushi roll.
I've been on a real soup kick lately. I like soup but can't stand the horrible stuff they put in cans. Plus, when we went on our trip after Stella died we had the most amazing tomato soup at this little place in Sedona, AZ. I think I have gotten pretty darn close to matching it! I make a great asparagus soup and tomato soup and corn chowder.
I think my love of cooking stems from not only liking food a lot but also I like to follow directions. I like to pick up a recipe and make something new by following the steps. I'm a rule follower! R will often tell me something he wants to eat and I find a recipe and make it for him. He loves it and raves about my latest creation-beer battered onion rings! Way easier to make than you'd think.
Anyway, enough rambling. Here's my recipe, my favorite of the moment:
Tomato Soup (great when served with grilled cheese sandwiches!!)
1 (14-ounce) can chopped tomatoes
3/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 stalk celery, diced
1 small carrot, diced
1 yellow onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 cup veggie broth
1 bay leaf
2 tablespoons butter
1/4 cup chopped fresh basil leaves
Directions
Preheat oven to 450 degrees F.
Strain the chopped canned tomatoes, reserving the juices, and spread onto a baking sheet, season with salt and pepper, to taste, drizzle with 1/4 cup of the olive oil and roast until caramelized, about 15 minutes.
Meanwhile, in a saucepan, heat remaining olive oil over medium-low heat. Add the celery, carrot, onion and garlic, cook until softened, about 10 minutes. Add the roasted chopped canned tomatoes, reserved tomato juices, chicken broth, bay leaf and butter. Simmer until vegetables are very tender, about 15 to 20 minutes. Add basil. Puree with a hand held immersion blender until smooth.
I think I just decided on dinner tonight!
And I want to thank those other BLMs out there that leave me comments and send me emails. I cannot tell you how much you give me comfort. Well I guess you understand because you've been there too. Even though we may all be at different points in this journey I see myself in each of you and gain strength from knowing I'm not alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Day 20 and a pity party
I haven't been in the best mood lately. I just have so much on my mind between work, house, baby, and all the million other things that creep into my head. I have been very forgetful which is really frustrating for me. I have always been very good at keeping a bunch of things in my head and being able to recall them all the while doing a bunch of tasks. But not lately. I write myself a note and then I forget the note somewhere.
R is away tonight and I have my art class so Alice will need to be let out this evening. We asked a neighbor to do it. I had to write a note to leave the key for her, I taped it to my phone, I left it near the door so I would remember before I walked out. I did remember to leave the key but I didn't remember to email the neighbor to tell her where the key is until R called me and mentioned it.
Work is bad because I need the multi-tasking skill and it's not here. I often wonder if I'll ever get it back.
I can't concentrate on anything. I want to read but I can't get through a book without rereading pages. I want to watch a good movie but unless something blows up I get bored. I jump from task to task because I want to be busy and make the time go by fast.
I feel like I'm just waiting. My whole life is waiting. I'm waiting to sell our house, buy a house, bring home a healthy baby. I'm waiting to get my body back. I'm waiting for the next doctor appointment, the next weekend, the next trip, the next anything to keep time moving.
And then the worry sets in. What if I have a baby and can't handle it? What if all this lack of focus continues and forget to care for the baby? What if I can't do it?
Ugh, all these feelings make me so frustrated and angry and sad and I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep until January.
R is away tonight and I have my art class so Alice will need to be let out this evening. We asked a neighbor to do it. I had to write a note to leave the key for her, I taped it to my phone, I left it near the door so I would remember before I walked out. I did remember to leave the key but I didn't remember to email the neighbor to tell her where the key is until R called me and mentioned it.
Work is bad because I need the multi-tasking skill and it's not here. I often wonder if I'll ever get it back.
I can't concentrate on anything. I want to read but I can't get through a book without rereading pages. I want to watch a good movie but unless something blows up I get bored. I jump from task to task because I want to be busy and make the time go by fast.
I feel like I'm just waiting. My whole life is waiting. I'm waiting to sell our house, buy a house, bring home a healthy baby. I'm waiting to get my body back. I'm waiting for the next doctor appointment, the next weekend, the next trip, the next anything to keep time moving.
And then the worry sets in. What if I have a baby and can't handle it? What if all this lack of focus continues and forget to care for the baby? What if I can't do it?
Ugh, all these feelings make me so frustrated and angry and sad and I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep until January.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Day 19- Talents
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Just one?! No, no, just kidding.
I think my greatest talent is baking. I also just love to do it and would love to do it more if my husband wasn't such a health nut and actually ate more than 2 bites of something. He also doesn't eat cooked fruit-lame! I love trying new recipes for cookies, muffins, cakes, breads, pies, you name it. I like to try to make things healthier, not just for the hubby but because I like to make good for you food taste good.
My love of baking comes from my mom who would have never thought to go to a bakery to buy a cake for a birthday party. She made the Barbie dress cakes and the Pooh cakes and the ice cream cone cupcakes.
My first job was at a bakery. I will always remember the smell of the bread in the morning and the fresh donuts and muffins. My second job was at a donut shop, a good one where they still make everything fresh. I used to work a 5am-12pm shift on the weekend (sounds crazy for a teenager, I know, but I am a morning person) and I would roll out of bed at 4:45 and get to work to a hot corn muffin and a giant cup of coffee and watch the sun rise through the drive-thru window.
Over the years I have always gone back to cooking and baking jobs. I made pizza, worked at a different bakery, a chocolate shop, and a specialty food store. In fact, I consider it my life's ambition to one day open my own coffee/bake shop. Something small and manageable with great coffee and great baked goods. R wholeheartedly supports me and often when I'm bored at work tells me to keep working on my business plan.
On a side note, I'm not ready to be my own boss but one day I know I will and I plan to start my mornings with a hot muffin and big cup of coffee and watch the sun rise through the windows of my little shop.
And while I am at it, I will put my other talents to good use- keeping a balanced budget, sewing linens for the shop, picking out art for the walls.
I hope that making money will also become a talent too!
And I hope to have a little kid running around the shop, asking to lick the beaters, acting as my taste tester, and generally lighting up my world.
Just one?! No, no, just kidding.
I think my greatest talent is baking. I also just love to do it and would love to do it more if my husband wasn't such a health nut and actually ate more than 2 bites of something. He also doesn't eat cooked fruit-lame! I love trying new recipes for cookies, muffins, cakes, breads, pies, you name it. I like to try to make things healthier, not just for the hubby but because I like to make good for you food taste good.
My love of baking comes from my mom who would have never thought to go to a bakery to buy a cake for a birthday party. She made the Barbie dress cakes and the Pooh cakes and the ice cream cone cupcakes.
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| Making cupcakes for my mom's 60th birthday party. Hey-I made that pillow too! |
My first job was at a bakery. I will always remember the smell of the bread in the morning and the fresh donuts and muffins. My second job was at a donut shop, a good one where they still make everything fresh. I used to work a 5am-12pm shift on the weekend (sounds crazy for a teenager, I know, but I am a morning person) and I would roll out of bed at 4:45 and get to work to a hot corn muffin and a giant cup of coffee and watch the sun rise through the drive-thru window.
Over the years I have always gone back to cooking and baking jobs. I made pizza, worked at a different bakery, a chocolate shop, and a specialty food store. In fact, I consider it my life's ambition to one day open my own coffee/bake shop. Something small and manageable with great coffee and great baked goods. R wholeheartedly supports me and often when I'm bored at work tells me to keep working on my business plan.
On a side note, I'm not ready to be my own boss but one day I know I will and I plan to start my mornings with a hot muffin and big cup of coffee and watch the sun rise through the windows of my little shop.
And while I am at it, I will put my other talents to good use- keeping a balanced budget, sewing linens for the shop, picking out art for the walls.
I hope that making money will also become a talent too!
And I hope to have a little kid running around the shop, asking to lick the beaters, acting as my taste tester, and generally lighting up my world.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Days 16-18 and Emotions
It was an emotional day for me yesterday and I don't really know why. R and I cruised around in the morning looking at possible new houses. It was fun and we definitely whittled down our list. Next weekend we'll go look inside a few. In the afternoon we were at home and I was going to paint the outside of this carport thing we have on our house. I was being lazy and didn't want to go to the store so I tried using old paint and I tried to get on a ladder and I got so frustrated. I know, I know- a 6 month pregnant lady should not be on a ladder but I thought I could do it and I was so frustrated when I was shaky, not to mention the crappy paint that was like painting with milk. R had been working a food show for 4 days and was tired and I didn't want to ask for help but I went inside and started crying. Naturally he saved the day and went and bought new paint and got up on the ladder and did all the parts I couldn't reach.
I think it was all centered on being pregnant again when I didn't plan to. I planned to have an 8 month old baby right now. R always said he wanted one child and I wanted two. I expected to try to convince him to have another in a year or so. Well, we will have 2 children but only one will be alive ( I hope). It's really rough having to shift everything you hope and dream about.
And I am having a lot of body issues right now too. I thought I was done with the pregnant body for a while and now it's hard to see myself. R always tells me I'm pretty and sexy and is so sweet but I just can't get it into my head. We were all snuggly yesterday evening and I started crying because I feel huge and uncomfortable and it's only 6 months! How am I going to feel in 3 more months?!
I know it's all for a good cause and honestly, I don't know where I would mentally be right now if I didn't have this little Owl kicking me all the time, but it is so hard. There is no simple anymore.
I think it was all centered on being pregnant again when I didn't plan to. I planned to have an 8 month old baby right now. R always said he wanted one child and I wanted two. I expected to try to convince him to have another in a year or so. Well, we will have 2 children but only one will be alive ( I hope). It's really rough having to shift everything you hope and dream about.
And I am having a lot of body issues right now too. I thought I was done with the pregnant body for a while and now it's hard to see myself. R always tells me I'm pretty and sexy and is so sweet but I just can't get it into my head. We were all snuggly yesterday evening and I started crying because I feel huge and uncomfortable and it's only 6 months! How am I going to feel in 3 more months?!
I know it's all for a good cause and honestly, I don't know where I would mentally be right now if I didn't have this little Owl kicking me all the time, but it is so hard. There is no simple anymore.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Days 14-15
Alright, finally caught up. Of course, I have another busy weekend so I will probably fall behind again!
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Really? Another book question? These are starting to make me feel bad because I haven't been reading so much lately. I guess for non-fiction though I have just started reading Stitch 'n Bitch Crochet: The Happy Hooker. I consider myself crafty and I wish I had more time and space to devote to sewing and knitting and making greeting cards and now crocheting. Being creative gives me some peace.
I saw some adorable little crocheted animals online while doing my weekly search for all cute things Owl and I want to learn to make things like that so I picked up this book and am attempting to teach myself a more complex crochet project than granny squares! I practiced all the stitches and now I am making a hat for R. He loves hats and now that we're getting into the cooler weather he is never without a beanie. I'm going to try to surprise him with a homemade one (I'm terrible with surprises!). If I can manage, not only will he love it no matter how ugly it is, but I will have the confidence to make an adorable owl stuffed toy for our little Owl.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Oooh, I like this question. Even though we are currently trying to sell our house, I still love it and I always will. It's our first house. We bought it a little over 2 and 1/2 years ago when the economy was tanking. We thought it might be our chance to afford our own house. We didn't have a whole lot of houses to choose from in our price range that were in move-in condition but when we saw this one I knew it was a great choice. R took some convincing, especially once we learned it was a short sale. It took forever to close but we did and slowly made it our own. We painted every wall in the house, I refinished kitchen cabinets, R changed door knobs and light fixtures. We got new counter tops, a great new fence, build a raised garden bed. We even had Ask This Old House out to film a segment, though sadly it was never aired. I remember when we first moved in, we piled a bunch of stuff out by the street for trash collection and after 2 weeks we realized that our town doesn't have trash pick-up! Our neighbors must have been cringing!
We made it so cozy and homey and I just love being home. I love sitting in the backyard with Alice on the lookout for squirrels, listening to the birds chirping. I always imagined me and Stella having picnics in the backyard on a big blanket. Just laying out reading and playing with Alice trying to steal some room on the blanket, trying to lick Stella's sticky face.
I don't know if we'll sell the house before this baby is born but part of me wishes we could. I would like to start fresh, with more space inside and out of course. I would be sad to leave Stella's mural but I think it would be nice for this baby to have its own room in a new house. It would be nice to leave the hopes and dreams we had for Stella with this house and focus on the future.
But if we stay I'll be happy to have our second baby looking up at the owls. I told R I always thought of the owls as us looking down on the baby and he said he thinks of them now as our babies. Our little Owls.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Really? Another book question? These are starting to make me feel bad because I haven't been reading so much lately. I guess for non-fiction though I have just started reading Stitch 'n Bitch Crochet: The Happy Hooker. I consider myself crafty and I wish I had more time and space to devote to sewing and knitting and making greeting cards and now crocheting. Being creative gives me some peace.
I saw some adorable little crocheted animals online while doing my weekly search for all cute things Owl and I want to learn to make things like that so I picked up this book and am attempting to teach myself a more complex crochet project than granny squares! I practiced all the stitches and now I am making a hat for R. He loves hats and now that we're getting into the cooler weather he is never without a beanie. I'm going to try to surprise him with a homemade one (I'm terrible with surprises!). If I can manage, not only will he love it no matter how ugly it is, but I will have the confidence to make an adorable owl stuffed toy for our little Owl.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Oooh, I like this question. Even though we are currently trying to sell our house, I still love it and I always will. It's our first house. We bought it a little over 2 and 1/2 years ago when the economy was tanking. We thought it might be our chance to afford our own house. We didn't have a whole lot of houses to choose from in our price range that were in move-in condition but when we saw this one I knew it was a great choice. R took some convincing, especially once we learned it was a short sale. It took forever to close but we did and slowly made it our own. We painted every wall in the house, I refinished kitchen cabinets, R changed door knobs and light fixtures. We got new counter tops, a great new fence, build a raised garden bed. We even had Ask This Old House out to film a segment, though sadly it was never aired. I remember when we first moved in, we piled a bunch of stuff out by the street for trash collection and after 2 weeks we realized that our town doesn't have trash pick-up! Our neighbors must have been cringing!
We made it so cozy and homey and I just love being home. I love sitting in the backyard with Alice on the lookout for squirrels, listening to the birds chirping. I always imagined me and Stella having picnics in the backyard on a big blanket. Just laying out reading and playing with Alice trying to steal some room on the blanket, trying to lick Stella's sticky face.
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| Me and Alice gardening |
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| Squirrel?! |
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| Stella's mural |
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Days 10-13, and other things
I am a bit behind on my posts here so I guess I'll do a few rolled into one. We were away visiting R's old friend in NJ. It was a fine weekend; I like these people okay. They're nice but I just don't have anything in common with them except R. It was nice to get away though and take a mental break from house selling/buying. We withdrew an offer we put on a house because there is enough to see in our price range and we want to sell ours first. There was a lot of relief with that decision. Now we are waiting for someone to come see our house--lots of clicks online but no walk-throughs yet. I wish there were more because it would mean we're keeping the house clean and empty for a reason! I hate having to make sure there are no dirty dishes in the sink or socks on the floor every time I leave the house!
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday as well. R couldn't come to this one but I really wish he could have. I know I am being extra sensitive but I didn't have a good visit. It was the 13th, Stella's 8 month birthday. The office was really busy and kind of chaotic. I felt really confused by what was going on. The nurse did my weight and blood pressure and urine and found the heartbeat- 169 (so fast, does that mean it's a girl? Or does it mean my babies have fast heartbeats? Stella's was always high). Then she left and a student came in. I don't care if a student is with the doctor but I don't like when they come in by themselves. They are always so awkward! I asked the student all my questions- flu shot?; the kid we saw in NJ has strep throat, should I be worried; can I have a copy of my records for our upcoming trip to the DR? And she said she would relay them to the doctor. Ugh! Then the doctor came in and answered the questions again and told me the next visit would be the glucose test and she'd see me more often now. She also asked me if I was going to do a childbirth class. I said I already did last December. She asked if I would take another because I should know what to expect with labor even though I'm having a c-section. I gave her a look and said, "believe me, I know what labor feels like." Did she forget who she was talking to? But then she suddenly left and I was sitting there wondering if I was done. No one measured my belly. I asked the nurse and she said it was a little early. I always got measured at my last doctor's office. I hate how every place is different. Then as I was leaving I saw a girl come in crying and I freaked out. I could barely hold it together to check out and get to the car before I started bawling. Not to mention, I washed my hands in the bathroom and the soap was the same smell as the soap in the NICU with Stella so I could smell it all the way home.
I like this doctor okay; I like the practice and hospital okay. But I don't love it and I wish I did. I already switched doctors twice this pregnancy and I don't want to switch again. I want to be at a hospital with a NICU but I don't want to go to Boston. I liked the doctor and hospital I was involved with for Stella but after everything that happened; I can't go back. I just want to have this healthy baby and go home. I'm scared of being in the hospital again. I'm scared of the c-section. I know as January gets closer I am only going to get more anxious and I'm scared of that time.
I'm getting all anxious again. I have to stop thinking of that and focus on something else. Let me catch up on my 30-day challenge.
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday as well. R couldn't come to this one but I really wish he could have. I know I am being extra sensitive but I didn't have a good visit. It was the 13th, Stella's 8 month birthday. The office was really busy and kind of chaotic. I felt really confused by what was going on. The nurse did my weight and blood pressure and urine and found the heartbeat- 169 (so fast, does that mean it's a girl? Or does it mean my babies have fast heartbeats? Stella's was always high). Then she left and a student came in. I don't care if a student is with the doctor but I don't like when they come in by themselves. They are always so awkward! I asked the student all my questions- flu shot?; the kid we saw in NJ has strep throat, should I be worried; can I have a copy of my records for our upcoming trip to the DR? And she said she would relay them to the doctor. Ugh! Then the doctor came in and answered the questions again and told me the next visit would be the glucose test and she'd see me more often now. She also asked me if I was going to do a childbirth class. I said I already did last December. She asked if I would take another because I should know what to expect with labor even though I'm having a c-section. I gave her a look and said, "believe me, I know what labor feels like." Did she forget who she was talking to? But then she suddenly left and I was sitting there wondering if I was done. No one measured my belly. I asked the nurse and she said it was a little early. I always got measured at my last doctor's office. I hate how every place is different. Then as I was leaving I saw a girl come in crying and I freaked out. I could barely hold it together to check out and get to the car before I started bawling. Not to mention, I washed my hands in the bathroom and the soap was the same smell as the soap in the NICU with Stella so I could smell it all the way home.
I like this doctor okay; I like the practice and hospital okay. But I don't love it and I wish I did. I already switched doctors twice this pregnancy and I don't want to switch again. I want to be at a hospital with a NICU but I don't want to go to Boston. I liked the doctor and hospital I was involved with for Stella but after everything that happened; I can't go back. I just want to have this healthy baby and go home. I'm scared of being in the hospital again. I'm scared of the c-section. I know as January gets closer I am only going to get more anxious and I'm scared of that time.
I'm getting all anxious again. I have to stop thinking of that and focus on something else. Let me catch up on my 30-day challenge.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Day 9- A photo taken since my loss
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
I haven't taken very many photos since Stella died. I haven't felt the inspiration and joy I used to get from taking photos. I haven't wanted to be in photos. I don't feel like smiling and I don't want photos of the extreme sadness I feel. I have to keep telling myself to take more belly photos. Someday I will want those and I will want to share them with this baby, should everything turn out well. But it's so hard to focus on that time.
We went on a 2-week cross country trip after Stella died. We left one week after we got home from the hospital without her. We had seen friends and family and sat in the house being sad and miserable and we knew that we weren't ready to get back to "life" but we couldn't sit there staring at the TV and making small talk anymore. We packed up the car and drove west. Our destination was the Grand Canyon. I wanted to see something bigger than myself. I wanted to see something that validated my feelings of being small and alone. I wanted to sit and think but be moving and keeping busy too.
The Grand Canyon was cool but I got much more from Canyonlands National Park in Utah. I liked being able to get right up to nature and be surrounded by it. The Grand Canyon is so commercial and "packaged".
Anyway, we hiked in Canyonlands a little and I took this photo there.
I was standing right on the edge of a cliff looking out over the canyons. I felt small. There was something comforting to me about seeing my all consuming experience in the context of something larger than myself. I'm not a religious person but I guess in a way this was my spiritual side checking in.
The trip was not fun by any stretch of the imagination but it was therapeutic. When we got back we were ready to be back. R was able to start back at work a little bit and I spent the rest of my maternity leave trying to feel better physically and emotionally. I have over 200 photos from that trip but I haven't put them in an album. I want to but part of me thinks that this trip is not one to go back to and reminisce over.
I haven't taken very many photos since Stella died. I haven't felt the inspiration and joy I used to get from taking photos. I haven't wanted to be in photos. I don't feel like smiling and I don't want photos of the extreme sadness I feel. I have to keep telling myself to take more belly photos. Someday I will want those and I will want to share them with this baby, should everything turn out well. But it's so hard to focus on that time.
We went on a 2-week cross country trip after Stella died. We left one week after we got home from the hospital without her. We had seen friends and family and sat in the house being sad and miserable and we knew that we weren't ready to get back to "life" but we couldn't sit there staring at the TV and making small talk anymore. We packed up the car and drove west. Our destination was the Grand Canyon. I wanted to see something bigger than myself. I wanted to see something that validated my feelings of being small and alone. I wanted to sit and think but be moving and keeping busy too.
The Grand Canyon was cool but I got much more from Canyonlands National Park in Utah. I liked being able to get right up to nature and be surrounded by it. The Grand Canyon is so commercial and "packaged".
Anyway, we hiked in Canyonlands a little and I took this photo there.
I was standing right on the edge of a cliff looking out over the canyons. I felt small. There was something comforting to me about seeing my all consuming experience in the context of something larger than myself. I'm not a religious person but I guess in a way this was my spiritual side checking in.
The trip was not fun by any stretch of the imagination but it was therapeutic. When we got back we were ready to be back. R was able to start back at work a little bit and I spent the rest of my maternity leave trying to feel better physically and emotionally. I have over 200 photos from that trip but I haven't put them in an album. I want to but part of me thinks that this trip is not one to go back to and reminisce over.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Days 5-8
I'm going to be away for the weekend so I thought I would get a jump on some days I'll be offline.
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
This used to be my favorite quote:
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."- Dr. Seuss
I put it in my senior yearbook personal section. I still like it and like to live by it but since Stella died I've found others that stay with me. Always Dr. Seuss; he was a wise man.
“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”
"I'm sorry to say so but sadly it's true
that bang-ups and hang-ups can happen to you"
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
1. Hugs from R
2. Seeing Alice romp around the backyard
3. A warm bath
4. Waking up to the sound of rain
5. Snuggling under a blanket on the couch
6. Watching movies
7. Walking through the woods
8. Talking to my adorable 3 year old nephew
9. Warm baked goods
10. Falling asleep in R's arms
11. Deep breaths
12. Getting home from work on a Friday night
13. Watching funny movies
14. Taking the scenic road
15. Looking at Stella's mural
16. Cleaning (yeah I know, I'm kind of nuts)
17. The Beatles
18. Sewing
19. Changing out of work clothes into a fresh pair of sweatpants
20. R, again R is my rock
These next two topics are hard for me differentiate. Seeing photos of Stella make me so happy. She was beautiful and wonderful but they make me sad too. Her time here was too short and so much was done to her tiny body.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
I tend to look at my pregnancy photos because we were so innocent, so blissfully unaware.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
This photo is the last we have with Stella. It was taken the morning she died, in her hospital room. I think it is so fitting. It shows the life we lived for those 12 days. It shows me distraught and scared and alone. It shows the cold rainy day it was.
I miss her so much.
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
This used to be my favorite quote:
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."- Dr. Seuss
I put it in my senior yearbook personal section. I still like it and like to live by it but since Stella died I've found others that stay with me. Always Dr. Seuss; he was a wise man.
“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”
"I'm sorry to say so but sadly it's true
that bang-ups and hang-ups can happen to you"
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
1. Hugs from R
2. Seeing Alice romp around the backyard
3. A warm bath
4. Waking up to the sound of rain
5. Snuggling under a blanket on the couch
6. Watching movies
7. Walking through the woods
8. Talking to my adorable 3 year old nephew
9. Warm baked goods
10. Falling asleep in R's arms
11. Deep breaths
12. Getting home from work on a Friday night
13. Watching funny movies
14. Taking the scenic road
15. Looking at Stella's mural
16. Cleaning (yeah I know, I'm kind of nuts)
17. The Beatles
18. Sewing
19. Changing out of work clothes into a fresh pair of sweatpants
20. R, again R is my rock
These next two topics are hard for me differentiate. Seeing photos of Stella make me so happy. She was beautiful and wonderful but they make me sad too. Her time here was too short and so much was done to her tiny body.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
I tend to look at my pregnancy photos because we were so innocent, so blissfully unaware.
 |
| See. Blissfully unaware. |
This photo is the last we have with Stella. It was taken the morning she died, in her hospital room. I think it is so fitting. It shows the life we lived for those 12 days. It shows me distraught and scared and alone. It shows the cold rainy day it was.
I miss her so much.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Trust the universe?!
I am going crazy. Or maybe I'm already there. We put our house on the market and put in an offer on a house. We should find out today if the offer is accepted contingent on selling our house. I thought buying a first house was stressful but this is possibly more so!
We saw an amazing house on Tuesday and both R and I were tossing and turning all that night thinking about it. It's a great size, with a great size private backyard, well taken care of, tons of character, room to grow and make it our own.
I wholeheartedly believe there is no 'right time' for anything in life. You just make a decision and stick with it and it becomes the right time. What I am struggling with at this point is that I can take control and make decisions but I can't trust that the universe will follow through. I have been fairly lucky in life. I have hit big bumps in the road but things turned out okay.
Then Stella was born and died. Things don't turn out okay. All those other bumps in the road seem like nothing compared to losing my baby. So I can't believe that the nice woman selling her house will want to sell it to us and will wait while we sell ours. I can't believe that someone will buy our house at the price we want in the time we need to sell it. I can't believe that the universe won't see that we want this house and we're ready to move forward and not throw a huge wrench in the gears.
We used to have a magnet on our fridge, you know one of those quote magnets, that said among other things "trust the universe". R took it off as soon as we got home from the hospital. How do you trust that anything good will ever happen again when the worst has happened?
I mean technically if the worst happened then everything else must be better, even if it still sucks. It's all relative. But deep down I can't see the light anymore. The normal scale of ups and downs in life was shifted down, like this:
I try to stay positive for myself, for R, and for the new life growing inside me. It's so hard.
We saw an amazing house on Tuesday and both R and I were tossing and turning all that night thinking about it. It's a great size, with a great size private backyard, well taken care of, tons of character, room to grow and make it our own.
I wholeheartedly believe there is no 'right time' for anything in life. You just make a decision and stick with it and it becomes the right time. What I am struggling with at this point is that I can take control and make decisions but I can't trust that the universe will follow through. I have been fairly lucky in life. I have hit big bumps in the road but things turned out okay.
Then Stella was born and died. Things don't turn out okay. All those other bumps in the road seem like nothing compared to losing my baby. So I can't believe that the nice woman selling her house will want to sell it to us and will wait while we sell ours. I can't believe that someone will buy our house at the price we want in the time we need to sell it. I can't believe that the universe won't see that we want this house and we're ready to move forward and not throw a huge wrench in the gears.
We used to have a magnet on our fridge, you know one of those quote magnets, that said among other things "trust the universe". R took it off as soon as we got home from the hospital. How do you trust that anything good will ever happen again when the worst has happened?
I mean technically if the worst happened then everything else must be better, even if it still sucks. It's all relative. But deep down I can't see the light anymore. The normal scale of ups and downs in life was shifted down, like this:
 |
| See my incredibly professional graph |
Day 4-Books
Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
I haven't read very much since Stella died. My father-in-law gave me a book when we were still in the hospital with Stella. It was a nice gesture but there was no way I could have done anything during that time except stare at my baby. Even after she died it took me a while to get through it but it was an excellent book and one day I would like to revisit it: The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery.
After Stella died I also read An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken. Although I find the title to be annoyingly long, especially because I recommend it to so many people, the book was a breath of fresh air. That the author went on to have a healthy baby after her loss was comforting to me so soon after losing my Stella. I would also like to go back and reread this one. I marked it up a lot the first time I read it, underlining quotes that I found meaningful and helped me to put in my own words how I was feeling, and I would love to see how I feel now compared to those first few foggy months.
Other than that, I have started a few books and only finished one, which I didn't really like. I used to be a voracious reader but I also used to travel almost 3 hours round trip every day to get to work. Now I drive and mostly listen to NPR or podcasts. I have often thought about getting audio books from the library for my car rides too.
My favorite book, though? Since I was a teenager it was She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb. It follows a girl through her childhood, adolescence, and adulthood with all those moments of happiness, terror, embarrassment, sadness, and on and on. I wonder how it would hold up now that I have have had so much sadness.
I haven't read very much since Stella died. My father-in-law gave me a book when we were still in the hospital with Stella. It was a nice gesture but there was no way I could have done anything during that time except stare at my baby. Even after she died it took me a while to get through it but it was an excellent book and one day I would like to revisit it: The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery.
After Stella died I also read An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken. Although I find the title to be annoyingly long, especially because I recommend it to so many people, the book was a breath of fresh air. That the author went on to have a healthy baby after her loss was comforting to me so soon after losing my Stella. I would also like to go back and reread this one. I marked it up a lot the first time I read it, underlining quotes that I found meaningful and helped me to put in my own words how I was feeling, and I would love to see how I feel now compared to those first few foggy months.
Other than that, I have started a few books and only finished one, which I didn't really like. I used to be a voracious reader but I also used to travel almost 3 hours round trip every day to get to work. Now I drive and mostly listen to NPR or podcasts. I have often thought about getting audio books from the library for my car rides too.
My favorite book, though? Since I was a teenager it was She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb. It follows a girl through her childhood, adolescence, and adulthood with all those moments of happiness, terror, embarrassment, sadness, and on and on. I wonder how it would hold up now that I have have had so much sadness.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Day 3- TV
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
The TV show that I've been most hooked on lately is Mad Men. I started watching on demand through our cable provider when they were having a marathon of seasons 1 through 3 this summer. It totally has nothing to do with making me feel better or moving me but it's so damn interesting that it keeps my attention. The characters and stories are complex and I love that Matt Weiner doesn't give you everything. You have to figure things out and guess at things. And the time period is just fascinating!
I wish I could say there have been shows that move me but there aren't. I like TV but I don't find it terribly fulfilling. It's just another one of those things to do that requires little thought and allows me to zone out.
In other news, the house is for sale. Yikes! We saw a beautiful house last night and decided to put in an offer, contingent on our house selling. It's twice the size as our house and only $30,000 more. It has over an acre of land that's flat and mown-perfect for a dog and a small child. So please everyone keep your fingers crossed that the offer is accepted and we sell our house quick!
The TV show that I've been most hooked on lately is Mad Men. I started watching on demand through our cable provider when they were having a marathon of seasons 1 through 3 this summer. It totally has nothing to do with making me feel better or moving me but it's so damn interesting that it keeps my attention. The characters and stories are complex and I love that Matt Weiner doesn't give you everything. You have to figure things out and guess at things. And the time period is just fascinating!
I wish I could say there have been shows that move me but there aren't. I like TV but I don't find it terribly fulfilling. It's just another one of those things to do that requires little thought and allows me to zone out.
In other news, the house is for sale. Yikes! We saw a beautiful house last night and decided to put in an offer, contingent on our house selling. It's twice the size as our house and only $30,000 more. It has over an acre of land that's flat and mown-perfect for a dog and a small child. So please everyone keep your fingers crossed that the offer is accepted and we sell our house quick!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Day 2-Movies
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
I really enjoy movies. I'm not exactly a chick-flick movie watcher per se; I actually tend to like the boy humor movies better. I like action and adventure movies, anything with super heroes, anything with Jason Bourne or James Bond. Before Stella I used to be able to watch more genres. I could sit through a dramatic movie or a sentimental one and focus and enjoy it.
Since Stella died, I can't concentrate. I get bored more easily. I can't watch movies where kids or babies die anymore. I can't watch movies that require a lot of concentration.
Also, another issue with movies is before Stella came along we did a lot of our "lasts". You know-"this is the last movie we're going to see out for a while" and "this is the last time we're going to go to this restaurant for a while". After she died and we felt that horrible "we have to get back to living" feeling, we didn't want to go to the movies. We felt like we shouldn't be there. The first time we went to the movies after Stella died we saw Hot Tub Time Machine. We went in the middle of a weekday and it was almost empty. The movie was dumb and funny and just what we needed. But it will always be the first movie we weren't supposed to have time to see.
Since then we've watched countless movies. Some out, mostly rented. I don't remember half of them. Movies have become a way to zone out and forget about the sadness and loss.
I really enjoy movies. I'm not exactly a chick-flick movie watcher per se; I actually tend to like the boy humor movies better. I like action and adventure movies, anything with super heroes, anything with Jason Bourne or James Bond. Before Stella I used to be able to watch more genres. I could sit through a dramatic movie or a sentimental one and focus and enjoy it.
Since Stella died, I can't concentrate. I get bored more easily. I can't watch movies where kids or babies die anymore. I can't watch movies that require a lot of concentration.
Also, another issue with movies is before Stella came along we did a lot of our "lasts". You know-"this is the last movie we're going to see out for a while" and "this is the last time we're going to go to this restaurant for a while". After she died and we felt that horrible "we have to get back to living" feeling, we didn't want to go to the movies. We felt like we shouldn't be there. The first time we went to the movies after Stella died we saw Hot Tub Time Machine. We went in the middle of a weekday and it was almost empty. The movie was dumb and funny and just what we needed. But it will always be the first movie we weren't supposed to have time to see.
Since then we've watched countless movies. Some out, mostly rented. I don't remember half of them. Movies have become a way to zone out and forget about the sadness and loss.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Day 1-Songs
Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
When Stella was first admitted into the NICU we didn't stay overnight with her. We believed she was going to get better so we had better go home at night and make sure we ate and slept and stayed sane. One of the nights we went home R decided to play a little bit on his banjo-uke and I recorded it. The nurses told us Stella could hear and it would be nice for her to listen to music. It's only a 30-second snippet of some picking and strumming but it is seered in my brain. We played it for her over and over believing she could hear it and was comforted by a sound she heard a lot when she was still in the womb.
When we found out the extent of Stella's brain injury and learned that off life support there was no knowing how long she would live, we did not leave the hospital. We weren't prepared to stay but we did anyway. R and I wore the same clothes for 3 days straight until his dad came to visit and drove home with R to pick up a change of clothes and some things to make our stay in the hospital more comfortable. We had no clue how long we would be. One thing R brought back was the laptop thinking we could get online. Wishful thinking but we did have a lot of music to listen to quietly. R played for Stella a couple songs we put on our wedding CD (our wedding favors were CDs we made with our special songs): Tom Waits' Picture in a Frame and Bruce Cockburn's Love Song.
Those songs will forever bring me back to that room with her in my arms and I'm crying and crying because the time was so short.
From "Love Song":
In the place my wonder comes from
There I find you
When Stella was first admitted into the NICU we didn't stay overnight with her. We believed she was going to get better so we had better go home at night and make sure we ate and slept and stayed sane. One of the nights we went home R decided to play a little bit on his banjo-uke and I recorded it. The nurses told us Stella could hear and it would be nice for her to listen to music. It's only a 30-second snippet of some picking and strumming but it is seered in my brain. We played it for her over and over believing she could hear it and was comforted by a sound she heard a lot when she was still in the womb.
When we found out the extent of Stella's brain injury and learned that off life support there was no knowing how long she would live, we did not leave the hospital. We weren't prepared to stay but we did anyway. R and I wore the same clothes for 3 days straight until his dad came to visit and drove home with R to pick up a change of clothes and some things to make our stay in the hospital more comfortable. We had no clue how long we would be. One thing R brought back was the laptop thinking we could get online. Wishful thinking but we did have a lot of music to listen to quietly. R played for Stella a couple songs we put on our wedding CD (our wedding favors were CDs we made with our special songs): Tom Waits' Picture in a Frame and Bruce Cockburn's Love Song.
Those songs will forever bring me back to that room with her in my arms and I'm crying and crying because the time was so short.
From "Love Song":
In the place my wonder comes from
There I find you
The 30 day writing challenge
A couple fellow baby loss mama posted this list and I think it would be good to help me focus and get out some things I maybe wouldn't normally. You can find their blogs here and here. So, Day 1 to come.
Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future
Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future
Friday, October 1, 2010
Worry
Dear little Owl,
I'm so sad and I'm trying not to be. I can feel you kicking away right now and it gives me some peace so please don't stop.
I'm so sad and I'm trying not to be. I can feel you kicking away right now and it gives me some peace so please don't stop.
Expectations and instincts
Today I have been thinking a lot about what will happen if we come home with a healthy baby. Specifically how I think I will be unprepared. It's not that I am thinking doom and gloom all the time; I actually try to make it a point to stay neutral or positive to help this baby have a normal life. But I am focused so much on getting through this day and the next week and the next month and so on that I can't focus on what to do when I get home with a newborn.
I do have the books and the "Happiest Baby on the Block" DVD from when we were expecting to bring Stella home but I didn't read or watch before she was born and I haven't touched them since she died. I am kind of a loner and I prefer to try to figure things out on my own but I think I am going to need help with this baby. I can't imagine how emotional every day will be, especially Stella's days.
R is so sweet though. We were talking about the house selling/buying stuff this morning and I said I'm not nervous about it and because I'm not nervous it must be the right thing to do. He told me he was happy to hear that because those instincts will help me when we bring our baby home too. Being with R has taught me to trust my instincts.
Let me provide a bit of backstory. When I was in college I had a bit of a quarter life crisis. I was in my third year of a Communications program and moving towards an advertising focus when I realized I hated it. I hated the Communications world. It all came to a head when a class project was to create a positive spin to some celebrity mishaps recently in the news, like Michael Jackson's molesting kids. I was done. I freaked out, took a couple weeks off of school and escaped to Vermont with my then boyfriend. He convinced me to move with him to Vermont, go to school there and figure it all out. My stomach was in knots all the time. I thought I should follow this guy but something deep down told me something was wrong. But I did transfer schools, change my major to art history and move to Vermont with this guy. Thank goodness for school because once I was there I fell in love again with art and art history. However, the guy turned out to be a major liar. And when I say major, I mean major. I thought he was the perfect guy because he had lied to me about his past, his family, his life, everything to fit what I thought was the perfect guy. Thinking back on the few years we were together, I knew it all along. I knew he was too good to be true. I knew that feeling in the pit of my stomach was not good but I didn't trust my instincts.
When I did trust my instincts I was rewarded. I was in my fifth and last year of school and had 2 jobs that kept me busy. But I was unhappy with this guy; I had had a horrible few months with him and I wanted to get out of the house more until I figured out what to do. So I got a 3rd job. I didn't need it financially but I needed it mentally. And what do you know- I worked there for about a month and they hired this totally cute curly haired guy! He was older but super cute and really nice and we really hit it off. He helped me through that horrible time and made me recognize that my instincts are usually right. I left the pathological liar, moved out on my own and started dating this great guy with the curly hair. A year and a half later we were married.
I always try to find the positive and the lesson learned in every horrible thing and I learned from this terrible guy that I can trust my instincts.
I still struggle with finding a positive from losing my daughter. There is nothing I wouldn't give to have her back but I am comforted by the new mamas I've met. I hope one day to find the one thing I can do in Stella's name to give back. I also hope that one day I can look down on my rainbow baby and know that this perfect little person would not have existed if Stella had not come before.
I do have the books and the "Happiest Baby on the Block" DVD from when we were expecting to bring Stella home but I didn't read or watch before she was born and I haven't touched them since she died. I am kind of a loner and I prefer to try to figure things out on my own but I think I am going to need help with this baby. I can't imagine how emotional every day will be, especially Stella's days.
R is so sweet though. We were talking about the house selling/buying stuff this morning and I said I'm not nervous about it and because I'm not nervous it must be the right thing to do. He told me he was happy to hear that because those instincts will help me when we bring our baby home too. Being with R has taught me to trust my instincts.
Let me provide a bit of backstory. When I was in college I had a bit of a quarter life crisis. I was in my third year of a Communications program and moving towards an advertising focus when I realized I hated it. I hated the Communications world. It all came to a head when a class project was to create a positive spin to some celebrity mishaps recently in the news, like Michael Jackson's molesting kids. I was done. I freaked out, took a couple weeks off of school and escaped to Vermont with my then boyfriend. He convinced me to move with him to Vermont, go to school there and figure it all out. My stomach was in knots all the time. I thought I should follow this guy but something deep down told me something was wrong. But I did transfer schools, change my major to art history and move to Vermont with this guy. Thank goodness for school because once I was there I fell in love again with art and art history. However, the guy turned out to be a major liar. And when I say major, I mean major. I thought he was the perfect guy because he had lied to me about his past, his family, his life, everything to fit what I thought was the perfect guy. Thinking back on the few years we were together, I knew it all along. I knew he was too good to be true. I knew that feeling in the pit of my stomach was not good but I didn't trust my instincts.
When I did trust my instincts I was rewarded. I was in my fifth and last year of school and had 2 jobs that kept me busy. But I was unhappy with this guy; I had had a horrible few months with him and I wanted to get out of the house more until I figured out what to do. So I got a 3rd job. I didn't need it financially but I needed it mentally. And what do you know- I worked there for about a month and they hired this totally cute curly haired guy! He was older but super cute and really nice and we really hit it off. He helped me through that horrible time and made me recognize that my instincts are usually right. I left the pathological liar, moved out on my own and started dating this great guy with the curly hair. A year and a half later we were married.
I always try to find the positive and the lesson learned in every horrible thing and I learned from this terrible guy that I can trust my instincts.
I still struggle with finding a positive from losing my daughter. There is nothing I wouldn't give to have her back but I am comforted by the new mamas I've met. I hope one day to find the one thing I can do in Stella's name to give back. I also hope that one day I can look down on my rainbow baby and know that this perfect little person would not have existed if Stella had not come before.
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