Owl and Leaf

was born on  Tuesday, January 25 at 9:10am. She weighed in at 7lbs, 11oz and is 20 inches long. She has a ton of blond hair and is just beautiful! She has a mind of her own and came on her own! No c-section after all! She came too quick!

We're home now and adjusting and I have A LOT to say, not just about the birth story, which is crazy, but about how we're dealing with it all, which is okay but I wish it was better. But I am so beat it'll have to wait. In the meantime, enjoy a few photos.

Thank you for all the love and support!

By this time tomorrow I'll be prepping for surgery, well, others will be prepping me and I will be silently freaking out. The past few days have been...crazy, weird, scary, fast, slow, surreal.

Thursday ended up being my last day at work because of the latest snow storm. It was a weird day. This group of girls I work with, who I don't like very much and don't really even interact with that much, took me out to lunch. I like to call them the Mean Girls but only a couple of them are actually mean. The others are all just followers. I just felt like I was in high school again, pretending like I cared what these girls had to say! I was nervous because I didn't want to have to talk too much about my pregnancy and plans with these people that didn't know my past. Luckily the other pregnant girl spent most of the time explaining to people the merits of cloth diapers versus biodegradable diapers versus disposable diapers. I ate a lot of foccacia bread!

Friday morning was snowy so I spent the morning tidying the house and being lazy. Luckily by the afternoon the snow had stopped because I had my last NST and I did not want to miss it. Everything is still normal; normal movement and heartrate but I need things to go as planned right now. I couldn't miss my last NST. It would feel like a bad omen. The NST was fine and it gave me a little more comfort for the weekend. Friday night I watched Inception while R fell asleep at 7:30pm. Good movie but it gave me THE craziest dreams all night long!

Saturday I was up well before the sun. Because R had fallen asleep at 7:30 he got up at 3:30am and then went back to bed around 5:00am when I got up. I got in some good thinking time and then slowly started freaking out. I was looking at the What to Expect book, which I really haven't looked at very much this time around, to make sure I had packed everything I needed for the hospital. Then I read a little about the recovery from a c-section and started to worry. With Stella I wanted completely natural and I still do but I can't mentally do it. I can't wait and I can't not know what's happening. I don't want to hear that the baby is fine and then 2 hours later my baby comes out not breathing. I need to hear all is well and then 15 minutes later we hear our baby crying. I am super nervous about the surgery and then recovery and having the overwhelming emotions of having an actual living baby and trying to learn to take care of it and learning to breastfeed. Or the worst will happen and I will lay in bed the rest of my life, which will be short because I'm sure my heart will just stop beating.

And, yesterday, Sunday was much of the same. We saw various couple friends this weekend while staying busy and everyone has been so supportive of us (more so than some family members, but I am staying positive right now and not dwelling on their issues). It really, really means a lot to me that so many people will be thinking about us at 10am tomorrow morning and sending their positive energy. So many people are waiting to hear good news just like us. I think that is going to be my happy thought for tomorrow. We are lucky to have people in our life that truly care about us and about the outcome of this journey. I have gotten so many positive emails from baby loss mamas too and those mean so much to me too. Many of them are not pregnant and are frustrated with trying and waiting and yet they can still send me good thoughts. The strength and courage of you all is amazing and lifts me up in those scary moments.

Well, the time has come to go get my pedicure! :) I haven't been able to see my toes for a long time, let alone paint my toenails, and I need to stay busy and feel relaxed. Deep breath.

I hope by tomorrow night to at least post a photo...with a name. Thank you all for following me this far. I hope there is more good to come. I hope....

Wow. In one week, we will have our baby. I hope. If anything, we will meet our little Owl. It's so bizarre to think about now that's it's in less than a week. With Stella we did a lot of "lasts": last trip to the movies, last trip to the mall, last dinner out...before our life changed forever. Well, it did change and we went back to the movies and the mall and out to dinner and were miserable. This time we haven't really done any of that. I know I'm just feeling this way now because I'm scared but I don't want to say any of those things. But I'm mad at myself because I think if we have this baby home and I never said those things, I'm going to regret it. How weird is that even to think? That I will really care about it? I truly doubt it but this week is going to be a doozy!

So this past weekend was a little crazy. R's sister and 7-year old niece came to visit from Saturday to Sunday. It was a nice visit but a little strange because we had planned to go sledding and to the mall and out for dinner and all R's sister wanted to do was veg at our house. Now this was fine with us, especially because we know R's sister has a lot on her plate. She has a 9-year old autistic son, a 7-year old daughter with some crazy food allergies, a full time job working with special education kids, and all the other things a normal person deals with. But she was a little off. She told me and R also that some of her friends and acquaintances lately have been diagnosed with cancer and someone recently died of a heart attack. Obviously this has been on her mind.

Anyway, they left on Sunday evening to go back to NJ and an hour later we get a call from R's dad. R's sister was having chest pains on the way home and stopped at a hospital. After a few hours of going back and forth and back and forth with the whole family, we figured out where she was (which happened to be my home town!) and we were in the car to go and be with her and her daughter. By this time it was after 9pm so we figured they were going to keep her overnight and we would need to take her daughter, J, home with us. They had done a bunch of tests and everything was coming back okay but they wanted to be sure there wasn't something hiding and wanted to monitor her and also do a stress test in the AM.

We got home with J around midnight and she immediately fell asleep on the couch. What a trooper. If that was me when I was 7, I would have freaked out majorly. She was quiet but calm. She did come into our room during the night to tell me she couldn't sleep so I went to lay on the couch with her and she was asleep within minutes again. Yesterday R had to keep his work appointments (because we have limited time for him to sell his Valentine's day chocolate before the baby comes) so I took J to the mall. I bought her some little thing at the American Girl store (what a crazy store! A goldmine, but crazy!) and we went for lunch. She kept telling me she wasn't hungry. Because of her allergies, her mom has instilled in her mind that food is scary. Poor thing. The only things she would eat with me were granola bars and dried cranberries. R met us at the mall and we switched. I went home and he took J back to her mom so they could leave for NJ before the snow came today.

In the end, there was nothing apparently wrong with R's sister. They found some spots on her liver that she should get checked out but other than that it was nothing. We think it was stress and she had a panic attack. She holds things in. She carries these heavy weights of life on her shoulders. And honestly, it doesn't seem like more than anyone else has to deal with. You can't do that!

It really made me realize how, even despite this horrible experience and year we've had and all the crap my family gives me and no matter how stupid work gets, I am fortunate to be able to let things go. I am still angry and sad and my heart is heavy and I am exhausted. But for all the crap in my life, I see the light. I count my blessings. I take pleasure in the simple things in my life. Like today, I am home because of the snow/ice storm with my dog in my pj's in the warm house with my loving husband. Sure, our daughter died, we're one week from going through a similar experience and have no idea what will happen. My family is still dumb. But life is what you make of it. I have days I can't get out of bed because I'm sad but there are more good days than bad days and I feel good for that.

Now, hopefully this will be a wake-up call for R's sister. Perhaps she'll eat better, reduce stress. I don't know. But it reinforces for me the things I do to feel good about myself. Bad things happen to good people and there is a lot of loss and darkness in the world. But there is goodness and light too. We all need to teach those around us to see it, in whatever way we can.

Thank you for all the love yesterday. I was a mess going through the bin. My sister-in-law gave me this LLBean tote bag with "MOM" embroidered on it for my baby shower with Stella. I loved it, and I still do, and I couldn't wait to use it. It was my baby hospital bag with Stella. I packed it with her going home outfit and blanket. We did end up bringing it to the hospital because we thought we'd be taking her home...even if it was with hospice care. We wanted her to have her bag. Then she died the morning we were going to take her home and the bag became a holder for mementos from the hospital. She had her newborn hat, the wool hat that the NICU gave us because she was such a big baby that the newborn hat was too small, and there was a hat given to me by a nurse at the hospital where Stella was born. She took care of me the day that R took the ambulance with Stella and I was left alone to recover. She brought it to me that night and told me that it was knitted by women who say prayers while they knit. I'm not a religious person but it really meant a lot to me. We also had the comb we used to comb her long hair. R always used to spike it up in front. We had the newborn hospital blanket and the blanket with leaves we brought from home. Honestly, those things were okay. I think it made a difference that they don't smell like her anymore.

Then I started to look through all the cards we got. Some of them were from people before we knew she would die. They are so hopeful. Then the ones after she died are heartbreaking.

But what really got me were the photos. Because we have the house on the market we don't have any personal pictures up in the house. I haven't looked at the photos in a long time. They are heartbreaking. She was the biggest baby in the NICU. She weighed 7lbs 15oz at birth and retained a lot of fluid so she was always over 8lbs. We always used to say she looked healthy too but looking back at the photos now, I see that isn't the case. She started to get pale before she died. Her temperature was slowly dropping for days so she was always wrapped in blankets and in hats. We even slept with her at night; so what if it was dangerous! But she was not healthy looking. It broke my heart all over again.

I pulled out a couple photos to take with us to the hospital. And I took the little bird stuffed animal we had with her in the NICU. I wanted it to be Stella's only but it's so cute and it deserves to be used.

This morning R asked me if I wanted the bin put back in the attic. I wanted to start crying and say no. That's all we have of Stella. I want it to be out all the time. But we don't have the room. And until we do, I am planning to put together a shadow box for her footprints, hats, comb, etc.

In other news, R's sister is coming to visit this weekend with her 7-year old daughter. I like them and are glad they're coming but neither of us can figure why now-it's cold and snowy and I'm 37 weeks pregnant. And why not wait until we have the baby? Part of me thinks perhaps it's because of our experience, maybe she wants to see us before something bad happens? I imagine that's over-analyzing it a bit but I like that explanation.

People still don't understand. I know the people in my real life haven't experienced this and truly have no clue what we're going through (that's why I am so grateful for this community) but I can't believe the things people still say and do. R was telling his dad that he didn't want his sister coming up if her kids were sick or even a little under the weather. The whole hospital/stomach bug thing freaked him out big time! His dad said, "don't worry so much. You just wait and see about sick kids." It's enough to make you want to hang up the phone! Even those people who know us and know what happened let these things slip.

But then, on the other hand, you get people on my side of the family that think if you don't mention it, it must not be bothering you. After countless times of telling my sister that I want to talk about Stella and what happened and how scared I am, she continues to evade the sad times. Speaking of her, she still hasn't mentioned what she's doing for her son's birthday. I still wonder if she'll throw a party on February 13. I really hope not.

11 months today. Unbelievable. I feel like this year has been a black hole. Something so dense and dark no light can escape. A void. Something that is constantly consuming the environment around it. It's there and everyone knows it's there but there's no light coming from it.

Here's a question for you guys: we never did a birth announcement for Stella. I'd like to do one for Owl, if we get to that. Should we incorporate Stella in a birth announcement? Or should we keep it only about Owl? I was thinking we could include a quote about Owl being a rainbow baby.  Or we hope to use something for the middle name that reminds us of Stella, maybe a little explanation like- we chose the name "..." in memory of Owl's big sister, Stella. Thoughts?

Today is January 12, 2011. Tomorrow will be 11 months since Stella was born. Today it is 13 days until we meet Owl. Tomorrow it will be 12 days. Less than 2 weeks. Tomorrow will be 12 days until it will be 11 months since Stella died.

Where has this year gone? It was a fog, a dream, a nightmare.

I was originally really nervous that this baby will be born on the 25th. The 25th has a lot of emotion already tied to it. I thought it was a bad omen. But I can see those everywhere anyway. Maybe this will redeem the 25th for us. Every thing about this pregnancy and really, life in general, is so loaded with emotion, why not Owl's birth date?!

In other news, R and I went out to buy a new outfit for the baby to come home in. I wanted something that wasn't a hand-me-down or something we had for Stella. We found the perfect sweater onesie thing with an owl on it. I just hope Owl comes home in it and not the alternative.

This was a big step for me, getting a piece of clothing. I have been really terrible about not getting too much stuff, even though I desperately want to. I even have anxiety about packing a hospital bag. But, deep breath, I am collecting things to pack up. I have pj's for myself set aside in the baby's room, along with the owl onesie, a hat with a moon on it we got as a gift for Stella, and a blanket. It's my goal on this snowy day today to open up the bin I put everything baby related into months ago and empty the "MOM" embroidered tote bag my sister-in-law got me of Stella's things and pack it with Owl's things.

It would be incorrect to say I'm not excited. I am. But I am so much more than excited. I am anxious. Desperate. Terrified. Exhausted. Hopeful. Heartbroken.

I used to want to go into labor early so I could meet the baby sooner and so I wouldn't have to have that sleepless night on the 24th. My doctor told me that it's better to come in as planned. She said even though it's not an emergency c-section, it will make everyone feel better to be prepared. She's right, damn it all! So we wait for 13 more days.

Another end of pregnancy issue I am having to deal with is work. After losing Stella I really couldn't imagine going back to my old life and job. I couldn't imagine taking the 3 hour roundtrip train commute to Boston to see everyone that knew what happened and either get pity or have them pretend nothing ever happened. I couldn't go back to the same old issues and arguments that, in the grand scheme of life, mean nothing.

So I got a new job closer to home. I was amazed that I got the job. It was the hardest interview I ever had because I was so sad. It was 2 months after my daughter died and I had to pretend that I was still working and had so much to give.

I like this job but I don't love it. I used to be more of an office manager. Now I am more of a secretary. But as I get ready to leave it, I am really feeling conflicted. I won't come back to this job. My boss wants a full-time assistant and I want a part-time job. I hope I can come back to the museum in some way. But I don't know what to say to people. It feels so final.

It's supposed to be a surprise but I know people are planning on giving me a gift and part of it is a membership to the museum. People don't realize I can see my boss's email. This one girl, who is due April 1 and is the most annoyingly blissful first-timer, is spearheading this gift idea. I am touched that she wants to do something for me but I also get the feeling that she is only doing what she ultimately wants people to do for her when she leaves on maternity leave.


But a membership? Does that mean I can't get in anymore? I need a membership card to visit now? I am already having a really hard time with the end of this pregnancy and everything that comes with it, including planning for the future. And this is not what I thought my life would be.

I already feel like such a jerk for starting a new job and immediately getting pregnant like I'm some teenager who doesn't know how to use birth control! And for committing to a year and leaving 9 months later. And for leaving my boss with a temp, who is going to drive him nuts.

But mostly I feel like a jerk because I am a much better and more dedicated worker than I have shown in the past 9 months because I am so completely consumed by my personal life. I have always been the one to keep work and life separate (except for marrying my boss, I guess! R used to be my boss!) or at least keep personal issues at home.

In the past year, my world has been turned upside down and everything I ever thought about life has been shattered. I know once I see this little Owl everything else will become absolutely irrelevant but, like I said yesterday, I don't believe any of it will happen.
I don't know what I'm really trying to say here, except that I am crazy!

I knew the end of this pregnancy was going to be hard. It shouldn't be so amazing to me that certain words or smells can still floor me. It hasn't been very long since our beautiful Stella was born and died. And with the hormones of being pregnant and the anxiety about what's to come with this little Owl, I should be more amazed I get out of bed every day.

I had a NST this morning. Owl has been a little slower the past couple days so I was looking forward to some reassurance. I know babies move less now because of space but this baby has always moved so much that any decrease makes me nervous. There was the right amount of movement, just not the major toe-touches and jumping jacks like usual. Then, the heart rate has been lower the past couple appointments. It was always up in the 160s and on Monday and today it was hovering around 145. I mentioned both to the nurse and she said both were fine. Both were within the normal range and the baby is reacting to things are normal.

Then, she said, "let me go show these tapes to the doctor on duty." While she was doing that I was getting my boots back on and I could hear them in the hallway talking about how good the tapes look and I heard the makings of one of my most taboo phrases. I tried to ignore it and hoped they will just let me go. But the nurse said to the doctor, "you should go tell her." She opened the door and said, "you have a beautiful baby." I squeaked out a thank you and practically ran from the office. I made it to the car before crying to R on the phone. That's what the doctor that delivered Stella kept saying as I was laboring and pushing.

I have made up my mind to have a good talk with my doctor at my next appointment. I don't want to be weird but that phrase is a big trigger for me. I don't want to hear that until my baby is out and breathing and in our arms. In fact, I don't want any coaching or cheerleading at all. I want cold, hard facts and stats. Tell me the heart rate. Tell me the accelerations are normal. Tell me the baby is reactive. Talk to me in clinical terms. Because I may freak out if there is too much hope. I don't trust hope.

The other thing, which is finally now fading, is the soap. That damn hospital soap is the same in every hospital! It's the smell I associate with Stella. I have a bad habit of always touching my face and I can smell it on my hands for hours after I leave the hospital. I went out to get lunch today and I just drove with my hand to my face, breathing it in. I am feeling that desperation today. I am desperate to hold my baby to my face and smell that smell.

I used to believe in signs. I used to believe everything happened for a reason. I don't believe those things since Stella died. There is no reason 2 wonderful people who want a baby so much should be denied that while others who don't deserve babies have them all the time. I never really saw signs of Stella after she died. I always secretly hoped to hear an owl hooting in the middle of the night or to see a shooting star but nothing ever came.

Then for some reason in the past few days I have been practically bombarded with owls. It started when I was in the L&D triage on New Year's. I was coming from a bathroom trip with R helping me schlep the old IV pole around and he said, "look at her scrubs." A new nurse had come on the floor with owl printed scrubs on.

Then when we were at the hospital for a couple appointments yesterday we went to cafeteria to sit while we waited. We turned the corner and right there was a sign with an owl on it. I mentioned it to R and he said, "yeah, it was there the other day too."

THEN, we get home and I'm opening the mail. We have been getting an influx of junk mail lately and one of the catalogs we got was a party favor catalog and the entire cover - front and back - had owl themed party things. Pink on the front, blue on the back!

Owls keep popping up around me. I still have a hard time seeing positives though. I know expecting the worse won't make it hurt any less should it come true but it's so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

That's how it was in the hospital on New Year's. We kept hearing those phrases that all OBs use to tell you your baby looks fine. We heard those with Stella and then she died. R finally said to one doctor that it didn't matter if the tracings looked perfect because we don't believe it. That made them stop and think and they agreed to let me stay overnight for observation. We felt better and they felt better and in the morning when everyone's heart rate was back in normal range we felt good enough to leave.

Speaking of our appointments yesterday, we had an ultrasound and a regular check-up. The ultrasound was fun and we got some good looks at the baby, unfortunately not too many shots because this baby never stops moving long enough to take a photo! One thing we did notice is that Owl has some huge cheeks! Estimated weight is 6lbs 5oz, with 3 weeks to go. Could this baby rival Stella in weight and still be a week early? And all the biophysical tests were great: tone, movement, fluid, breathing movements. I saw the breathing movements and I almost started crying. I also saw the cutest little sucking movements while he/she tried to shove their fist in their mouth. I cannot wait to meet him/her! January 25 cannot come fast enough.

Well I wish I could say I said goodbye to 2010 with a great big kick in the pants but instead it was the other way around.

I woke up on Friday, New Year's Eve, at 3am feeling kind of nauseous. My stomach hurt a little and I thought maybe I was hungry. I got up and ate a banana and sat up for a little while. Then the diarrhea started. Yes, sorry, there's going to be a lot of that in this story! I was in the bathroom every 15 minutes getting rid of everything in my system. R got up around 5am and found me sitting in the dark feeling yucky. I went back to bed with him and within an hour I was vomiting. R called and talked to the doctor around 7am and she told him what you would expect- keep me hydrated. R went out to get me some Gatorade and I started in on it. No luck. I was throwing it up within 20 minutes of having a sip.

Around 9am, R decided it was time to go to the hospital. I was really out of it. I need R to help me put my slip-on shoes on. I reclined in the car with a bag in case I was sick and a towel in case of other things. We checked into the L&D triage around 10am and I was hooked up to IV fluids and the baby monitors. I was still out of it for a while. As the day went on I felt a little better. The vomiting stopped but, unfortunately, the diarrhea kept up. Around 5pm we started talking about when are we going to go home. We naturally told all the hospital staff about Stella and our concerns about hospitals and when they told us that the baby's heartrate was still high and so was mine we decided I should stay overnight. We were nervous about going home and I could get sick again and then have to drive back to the hospital and what if something happened?

I was bummed but I was also so tired I couldn't even imagine getting to the car and coming home. I was transferred to a room and hooked back up to baby monitors. R came home to take care of Alice and get some rest himself. Both of us were asleep by 9pm.

Saturday morning I felt better. I was still tired and not keeping much in my body but I was ready to come home. Heart rates were back to normal. I was released around noon. Once at home I showered, thank goodness, and ate some toast and went back to bed!

Since then I've been doing a lot of lounging. I wish I was doing more eating and sleeping but it's getting there. Bathroom trips are still happening but less frequent. I am home one more day, hopefully, to get more rest and eat a more normal diet. And I have a doctor appointment this afternoon to follow-up. Plus we have another ultrasound. I can't wait to see this baby that we'll meet in 22 days. R told me this morning he can't wait too. I love when he gets excited. It's been such a rough road for him.

So, not the way I wanted to spend my New Year's. I wanted it to be quiet and contemplative. I wanted to say a proper goodbye to 2010 and welcome 2011 as a better year. Instead it's all a bit of a blur. I guess if I learned anything in  2010 it's to expect nothing. Well, welcome to 2011. Please be kinder.