Owl and Leaf

It's been so long since I blogged. Eleanor is now 5 months old and she is even more demanding of my attention than ever! She has become so much more interactive and even when she could probably play by herself I get so engrossed in playing with her and watching her. I've never had this kind of close interaction with a young baby. I used to babysit but never you kids this young. Eleanor amazes me. I love to watch her figure out new things. She can roll back and forth and see what toys are on her mat and then pick one specific one to then chew on! And she chews on everything! She can grabs things and really hold on now so whenever she gets her hands on something -pop- it's in her mouth! She's drooling like crazy. She soaks through her clothes every day. Not only can she roll back and forth, she can roll over now too. I love to watch her roll over onto all her toys. She seems so surprised! She can't get back to her back yet so it usually heads up with crying and me flipping her over. But because she is able to flip on her own now she's tolerating tummy time much more. Her head is slowly becoming less flat! Hooray!

She's also getting better at sitting up. She only needs minimal holding. She also really likes standing! She holds on my fingers and stands so tall! Sometimes she "dances" too. And she;s really digging the jumperoo now. I make dinner and sing and dance in front of her and she laughs and laughs and jumps!



That laugh. I understand now why parents are so dumb. You will do *anything* to get that laugh or smile. I make up such dumb songs and dance like a monkey just to see Eleanor light up.

We;re on all bottles now. I had a harder time giving it up than I thought. Because Eleanor was so reluctant to take the bottle we had to feed her facing out and I really missed the cuddle time, especially before bed or at night. But I figured out a good way to cuddle her while feeding her her bottle now. And she falls asleep in my arms practically every night now. I think the hardest part was when we were down to just one nursing session a day she didn't want the breast anymore. After everything, she told me when she was done. It was bittersweet.

Things have been a little tough lately and I'm not sure what always triggers the sadness. On June 25th, Stella had been gone for 16 months. She would 16 months old. She would be walking and talking. There is a year of my life that went by in a haze of tears. I love being home but sometimes it leaves me a lot of time to think. Am I doing enough to remember Stella? The other night I lay awake in bed remembering the hospital and remembering my time with her. I don't think about it often but I don't want to forget one detail. It's all I have of her.

In the hospital with Stella, when we were sure she wasn't going to live R and I would sleep with her. She was all swaddled and her temperature wasn't very good so we would tuck her in that little hospital cot with one of us and sleep. Now I love to sleep with Eleanor. I don't know if I think this is a bad habit to start or not but I like it. She usually starts to fuss and would wake up around 5am but when I bring her to our bed and hold her binky in and hold her she can sleep easily another hour or more. I love it but sometimes I look over at her swaddled and sound asleep and she looks so much like Stella I want to cry. I don't like to watch her sleep. It's too much like she might never wake up. I only ever watch her long enough to be sure she's sound asleep and breathing.

I told my mom that parenting seems to be mostly luck. You try a million things and if one thing works you look like an awesome parent. She told me it's more like trial and error. I had to disagree because what works one day doesn't always work the next! Parenting is 98% luck, 2% holding your breath.

Eleanor is now 4 months old.

She's getting to be so alert and interactive now. It's amazing how much more aware she is of her surroundings. She's very curious. When she's awake she wants to look around all the time. She loves to people watch and kid watch, especially. Wherever we are, if she hears a kid she looks all around. She's 25.5 inches tall and 14lbs 8oz. We're now up to 3 bottles of formula a day with morning, night, and middle of night, if she needs it, of nursing. I must say these formula diapers are horrendous!! I knew the poop was going to change but oh my goodness. I practically have to hold my nose!!! She's awake more during the day which is fun but it means I get less done because she likes to have my full attention. R got her first laugh a couple weeks ago. It was so amazing! He was razzing her neck and she had this evil little sounding laugh. Since then she has changed it to be a high pitched squealing/screeching laugh. But either way she has this huge toothless grin as she grabs your face and waits for the next razz to start.

But the new month is bringing new challenges. We're still figuring out which formula to use. We started with regular and she seemed to get bad gas and cried with the pain. We went to gentle and that seemed better. Then we tried soy and she seems to be doing good. She hardly even burps. Of course, she also seems to be eating slower than before, which could be part of it too. But do we go back to gentle or stick with soy?! Does it even matter? I feel like she's more hungry with the soy. Is that a real thing? Argh!

The next challenge is that suddenly Eleanor seems to hate R! In the past few days she screams whenever R picks her up or tries to give her a bottle. I've been back to work one weekend day a week for 3 weeks now and her and R spend all day together. She is good for most of the day but then cries around 5ish and won't take a bottle. Granted she is cranky most days around 5ish, even if I am home, but it gets to R. This past weekend I worked Saturday and Monday and it was so flipping hot R didn't do much. I think Eleanor got bored and R got bored and they fed off each other's energy. So she cried. Then Tuesday I went to yoga at night and R had to give her a bedtime bottle. She cried. Since then she screams whenever he holds her. Sometimes it's right away. Sometimes it takes 15 minutes. But it ends the same and R gets so frustrated he has to put her down which makes it worse and he can't calm her down. I have no answer. I try not to go to the rescue but I can't stand to hear her cry. It breaks my heart. I know it breaks his heart too.

And it's especially tough because R has been in a funk lately. This time of year is very slow for him for work and he doesn't always know what to do with himself. Before, when I worked, he would go out and take the dog for long walks. But because I'm home he tends to hang around more. He's bored which leads to thinking which leads to analyzing and over analyzing everything. He wants to move, but there's no way we can sell our house right now and even break even. He doesn't know where he wants to move except Oregon, that is all the way across the country. He's been missing Stella and wonders where we are with the legal aspects of our loss. So all these things have been bringing him down, and me.

Both R and I have been feeling Stella's loss a lot lately. I don't know why now. I felt like on Monday at work every little kid that came into the museum was 15  months old. Stella would be 15 months old now.  I'm supposed to have that. Stella is supposed to be walking and exploring. I should be the one taking her to the museum and not sitting there watching other kids run and play.

Then there's the vaccinations. We talked to the doctor about Eleanor's reactions at 2 months. He didn't seem overly concerned, which made us mad. She had a fever of 102! The cut-off for bringing her in was 102.5. We were a half degree from bringing her to emergency room. Isn't that serious enough to warrant some kind of special attention? The doctor wanted to give her one shot a week to see if we can figure out which shot made her sick. I guess that would work but what if she gets the fever again, or the pain or diarrhea? How can we bring her in the next week? Does it mean a month of sickness for the poor girl? We're trying to make life more normal not make her sick every 7 days. We're going to get a second opinion from a different doctor next week. Then we'll have a plan of action. If we're going to wait to give her the shots, then I wish we could give agree to that and stop having to talk about this every 2 months.

I really hate to wrap up posts with negative thoughts. It feels like going to bed mad. I feel like I have to make up with the universe after venting. So I will end with this cute photo:




Okay, one more:



Has drool ever looked more beautiful?