Eleanor always keeps me busy. She's becoming an amazing, head-strong, smart little girl. She's still walking a lot but not quite on her own yet. She takes maybe 7 steps max and then she realizes what she's doing and grabs your hand or the couch or goes to the ground. She's finally crawling too. For the longest time she was doing the commando crawling, or as we called it the Terminator crawl.
She's babbling all day long. She says "uh-oh" and when she sees Alice the dog she screams "Ahhhh". We just need the "liss" to make it a word!
She's eating like a champ. She wants whatever we're eating and she wants to feed it to herself. She won't eat avocado off a spoon but she's feed herself almost a whole one! It's messy but cute. But still no teeth! Every time she has a fussy spell or doesn't finish a bottle or has a messy diaper I think it's a tooth finally but nothing yet!
But I guess my real reason for writing besides updating is get some things off my chest. I am so excited for the holidays and to share them with Eleanor. To start new traditions. To spend time with family and friends. But I find myself thinking more and more of Stella. I miss her so much. I was talking to R last night about when we went to NYC to see the Rockefeller Christmas tree. I was pregnant and I couldn't remember if it was last year or the year before. It was with Stella, 2 years ago. I feel like last year as a blank year. All I remember is spending New Years in the hospital with dehydration. Anyway, I feel like this year there's so much I want to do and make, like I'm making up for a lost year.
Then I read this that Small Bird Studio posted on facebook. I've been wanting to start a tradition of giving back to people in need for the holidays and didn't know where to look. This woman chooses a child the same age as her angel to give a gift to. I lost it telling R about it. Stella would be almost 2 years old.
I can't even imagine what life would be like if she had lived. I feel like no one in our lives knows the heartache we still feel.
Part of me has been wondering about having another child too. I haven't even breathed a word to R who I believe doesn't want another child. But I'm feeling during this time of year how nice to would be to give Eleanor another sibling. Someone to share with and grow with and spend holidays with. I want to have a house full of love and laughter and, of course, we'll have that but wouldn't more be nice too? It doesn't help that lately R is having difficulty with his family and I haven't talked to my brother in ages. (don't ask! Ugh!) Part of me wonders if siblings are worth it! :) I do have a wonderful sister, who didn't like me until she was 18 and I was 13. We're good now. And is it just this time of year? Or do I really want another child? Can I face the stress of the pregnancy and having Eleanor? What will R think? Wow.
