The Edelmayer's

I hate and love days like these.  The kind where I am moody and feel sorry for myself a bit and yet reflective of days past.  Today is one of those days where I can't turn off those thoughts.  So I thought I better write.  It has been a long time and maybe that is why I need to.

Twenty one years ago I had a baby.  He came to early and too fast to really give me time to prepare mentally for the loss.  I was sad but had a four year old with special needs who required much of me.   I held my impatient baby and bid farewell to the dream of two boys.  I left him to be cared for by my nurse friends and went home to move forward.  I explained to Mikey (as he was lovingly know as till he was eight) that the baby was too small and we left him at the hospital.  I thought I had done a great job of explaining that the baby had gone back to Heavenly Father to wait for us.

A month later, I was home in the middle of the day.  That was unusual for me as I worked full time everyday 8-5  but I was.  Mike and I were doing something and he looked up and said "Mom, today is the day.  Right?"

I didn't think anything about it and asked, "What is today buddy?"

"The day we pick up my brother from the hospital."

I was speechless is what I was.  I thought I had done this amazing job explaining how his brother wasn't coming home and all he heard was that our baby was too small and we had left him at the hospital...to get bigger.  In his four year old mind, one month was sufficient to grow big enough to come home.  It didn't seem to matter what I said, he could not be swayed from the plan.  In fact the more I talked the more agitated he became and I moved into the grief dimension that I had not allowed myself to go to after I had the baby.

Finally I called Tom and in between sobs, I begged him to come home and help me console our son.
Our son who could not understand why the hospital was going to get to keep his brother. 

A year and a week later, Mikey got the baby that we were waiting for but a sister this time.  She was beautiful.  From her scream that moved all the other babies from the nursery to her mohawk dark brown hair.  I was grateful in all ways that a new mother could be grateful that she was there and she was healthy.  Twenty years later I realize more everyday what a blessing she is in my life.  She was sent to be the best of everything I had potential to be.  Amazingly talented and so emotionally strong.  I remember saying to someone while I was carrying her that she would either make my life a sleepless act of rebellion or my best friend.  She has been both and for that I love my baby girl.

Which brings me to the reason I even had this thought.  The other day Tom and I babysat for one of my friends while she was getting pampered.  I was reminded of how fast time goes and how my babies are not...babies anymore.  I contemplated how I wish that I could go back and be the kind of mom I think I could have been with more time?  But then reality hits and I know that there are no second chances.  I hope that my babies know how much I loved them as babies.  I loved their sweet cheeks and warm kisses.  I loved that they looked to me to fix the world as they discovered it.

 I was blessed with three extra ordinary babies that were picked just for me and I love them.

Time is a funny thing. When we want it to go faster...it ticks by at a snails pace. When we want it to slow down...it seems to speed by like on of those super sonic trains. I have tried for years to attempt to figure out how to make it slow down just a little bit. But no, it insists that it must move forward and as it does it takes with it my youth leaving me with memories. It snatches my children's sweet giggles and replaces it with whispers of a beat that comes from the earbud that keeps them from hearing me anymore. I have photographs that remind me of the wonderful moments that we shared. Although I know in my heart that there will be many more to come in our future, it does make me just a little sad for those moments that have gone before. So before I forget...let me share...
Years ago there was this little film called Dancing with Wolves...maybe you have heard of it. My Mike would watch it for hours, literally. It was like three hours long which back twenty years ago was unheard of. He would put on his cowboy hat and put his wooden gun by his side. Sometimes he would be the indian instead with his little indian outfit and bow and arrow. Regardless though he sat there watching...absorbing the detail. "Oo manna too tonka obwa chi" was a popular phrase in our home. Several years ago, Mike attempted on a regular basis to talk us into a horse.

"Where would we put it?" We would ask and he would assure us that he would figure it out.
Recently Mike got his dream job and I got an answer to my prayers. A friend of ours has recently opened a therapy with horses business where she works with people who have disabilities on horses. "hippotherapy" of sorts. She has barrel raced and done rodeos for years and has a little boy who has some struggles and she is a nurse, so it made sense. Well she gave my son an opportunity to come and work for her and he is in heaven. He puts on his cowboy hat and boots and goes to work. He talks about it non stop with this little light in his eye that I haven't seen since Dances with Wolves days:)

Alyssa graduated. For years, my daughter has seemed years older than her actual age. So I think because of her maturity, we were more prepared this time. She wanted to be done but with that moving forward comes the end of many things that I will be sad to see go. Golf will be one of them. She took her girls team to State 4A golf this year by scoring the low score at District in Blackfoot for the boys and the girls at 76. Although she didn't play as well at state as she thought she should, she tied for seventh overall. I will miss being able to walk amongst beautiful scenery in quiet solitude gazing at my beautiful daughter and she can't say a thing to me. I will miss that, a lot. But I see her dream and plan about the next steps in her life and hear the righteous desires and I can't help but be excited for the next chapter.

Jaxon turns twelve. That cute little brown boy has sprouted into a sleek, muscled young man who loves to help his dad. Tom needed some help this summer and offered it to Jaxon and Alyssa. Both grumbled but both are loving it. They love the sun and the money but most of all they love working with their dad. They adore him and I think the feeling is mutual. Jaxon has become quite the hard worker and thinks that getting paid is pretty cool.

Tom and I are spending our twenty sixth summer together. It is hard to believe that it has been that long and yet I can't imagine a time that we haven't been. . . well together. I love that he loves me for me and that he loves our children. I love that even though time moves forward we are doing it together.

So another basketball year has come and gone. And even though I am exhausted (and I wasn't the one playing) just sitting on the side lines is really hard work you know:) I know that in a few weeks Jaxon will beg for the fifty seventh time for me to find some place for him to play ball. He loves basketball. I for that I am grateful. It gives him something that he feels that although he needs to constantly work at, it is his santuary. We took him to Boise again to the Jr. Phenom camp. Jaxon had been invited to come back to the San Diego camp without even having to go back to the Boise one. But he didn't want to go back to California, at least for that. He did however want to go back to Boise. We invited lots of friends to go and only one decided to go. It actually worked in Jaxon's favor. I think he wasn't so afraid to "show off" because no one knew him and it paid off. I could kick myself for not taking any camera, including my camcorder. Jaxon was more amazing than I have ever seen him play. He amazed the other boys, the coaches, the parents and us! It was crazy! He did things that I really didn't think was possible with a basketball. The coaches voted Jaxon the best 6th grade player at the team out of 50 other boys. The best thing was that Jaxon wasn't even the one to tell us that his coach did. He scored the highest on all the combine events and made the all star team. He made some wonderful new friends that you would have thought they had been friends and playing forever. It was so much fun. And I forgot the camera...