Yah for suprises and being a part of something greater than any one person...Yah for being able to show a small little glimpse of love on someone else who so much deserves it...and yah for their emminating of God's grace and humility upon receiving that love...how much more does Christmas become real than in the giving to those who wouldn't have this opportunity otherwise!! And I am grateful for a new "family" member to join the Warner throng!

Here's a question...what literary character do you most identify with? Mine would be Jo March...struggling to completely fit...not as domestic as Meg, sweet and girlish as Amy, or gentle as Beth yet with her heart comes a fire, a passion, an adventurous spirit that does not settle but battles again the mundane to find the true story of her heart...the heart of a writer.

So in anticipation of a snowday last night I stayed up a little later and worked on getting things done around the house. I would have been ok if we had school but looked forward to sleeping in if we didn't...so I wake up a 5 am and check and have difficulty falling back asleep...just as i am finally asleep my husband's alarm begins going off and for the next 2 hours every ten minutes the cycle continues. I receive the school closed call at 6:15 and feel maybe i can relax but I cannot handle this alarm thing knowing as soon as i dose off i will be awaked again so i enter the land of xanga blogging and catch up while our neighbors vigoriously snow blow the driveway. Finally my husband gets up (and tells me he couldn't fall asleep last night until early morning thus the inability to get up when planned.) and i am finally able to sleep only to be awaked by the neighbor boy (who had school off to) playing his music loud enough that the bass is rocking the wall...so i get up and prepare to face the pile of research papers that need to be graded.

On a side note...my husband and I have found a small guilty pleasure in the form of i-tunes...really addicted...buy only the songs you really want and you don't get stuck with an album of 10 other songs you really don't care about...I have had fun finally collecting all of my favorite country songs...yes...the girl from marathon loves those sentimental country songs that tell stories...so needless to say it's fun!

I love teaching...it is so fun and I really enjoy teaching jr. high and high school most of the time but the hardest part for me is the small christian school culture. I grew up going to public school...it was small but still fun. CCA is very small and it just seems the smaller it is the bigger the smallt things become! I know some of it is typical high school stuff but some of it is just dumb. And it's not just the students...the newest dress code discussion is over hooded sweatshirts...they can wear them if they are not a sweatshirt material or if they have a zipper because it looks nicer but not the big baggy ones...not all of the faculty and staff agree on this and some think the kids don't think it's a big deal but a lot of them see how we are majoring on something really minor. There is so much that is blow up to be bigger than it is and so when the big issues come like pregnancy, sex, homosexuality we don't have the energy to deal with it. Don't get me wrong...I don't hate it, I just hate how this subculture is created and how it sometimes creates egocentric and well fed babies who know a ton but don't know how to live it all the time and struggle to relate to the real world.

In college my education professors talked about how snow days were so difficult for teachers...Yah right...I know there are lesson plans to make up but almost every teacher I know loves snow days...they are like an extra special gift that gives you permission to lounge around and do nothing...weekends and vacations are always scheduled full of this or that but snow days aren't...I love them!!

4 years of marriage has brought with it 4 moves, 3 churches, 7 jobs (many at the same time), lots of love, some disagreements, and it has brought us here...not sure why, not sure what is next...struggling with God's silence and yet as I watch Him...the man I married he is not the same, he is standing tall, growing strong, fighting many battles like the warrior I know he is and I am proud to be his wife...I love him and that is joy.

The tree is up, the presents are wrapped, the christmas programs are preparing for that special night and the stores are stocked full of stuff and christmas music is blaring from every imaginable point...there is excitement in our hearts as we prepared to suprise those we love with gifts and soon it will be here!

God is taking my heart that has been broken and wounded and is beginning to mould it...I am beginning to see and desire and long for him again in spite of what I see around me and though I long to someday be part of something real and different, God will lead in time and until then He and I are working through it. I guess so much of it comes down to the fact that I have experienced real spiritual intimacy and community but most of the time it has not been in church...at camp, in the wilderness, and bible college, yes...but not church where I feel it should be. And once you have experienced it for real it's so hard to live surrounded by the shallow...it's like trying to go back to eating dollar store choclate after feasting on gourmet choclate truffles... the richness just isn't there. I long to see the church as God intended and hope to someday be a part of something that is that.

Popular culture and a well meaning community inundate those who are emerging into adulthood with particular beliefs...the necessary first belief: one must be married and thus after that has taken place the second belief is harped upon: one must have children. It almost creates a necessity to define oneself by the success of accomplishing these proposed actions. It is assumed that somehow one is not complete without it. Cutlure is even wrapped up in it...how much marketing is engulfed in marriage or babies/children...and those who are not somehow accomplishing this are constantly bombarded with the images of their failure...it is then so ingrained into their souls that somehow they are alienated from normal society and have therefore failed. That their life is somehow lakcing because of what they don't have and somehow they are left convinced that they are not whole.

I am normally a rose colored glasses type of person...easily believing in the goodness and beauty of all that surrounds me yet the harsh winds of reality have given way to a pessimism that is not altogether unnecessary. I have grown up smack dab in the middle of the christian realm and have experienced much that has both blessed and encouraged me...yet as I have "arrived" at the 30 smothing adulthood phase of my life I have become quite disturbed by the baggage I have found and the actions that I see around me...my heart does not break but instead has seemingly begun to withdrawl and wither. I am so enbalmed in this culture I am not sure breaking free is an option...my husband is in seminary and seeking a pastorate at some point...yet how can I be a pastor's wife under these circumstances...

This is what I see around me...a play where everyone is eager to show off their talents and display a high level of diginity and intellect about their "walk" with God...where the expectations of perfection are high and one can never struggle with anything especially a chrisitian school teacher who should be an example to her students and the daughter of a camp director whom everyone knows and should be a good representation of her family by being involved in everythign and at every service and event. I see a lack of real communication and realness has been locked in to a vault and labeled Danger. You can't find anyone to talk about your struggles with wanting to have a baby because you must not be trusting God or even struggling with the church and christiandom...I am a backsliding sinner if I question the church. Was this what God intended...the marketed and televised church that keeps us at arms length with reality unless it is programed discipleship and mentoring or counseling? Should we as a members of a church feel like a deserted island stranded on the sea?

How am I to hope for the future? How am I to trust when all I see around me is the christian community so intent on judging each other and back stabbing or railing against the "higher sins" that all else seems clouded...and why do I want to be a part of it? And where do I go with these feelings...I dont' dare mention them for it would be heresy. Where is hope?

As one dreams of marriage they dream of some many things but rarely does anyone dream of being hurt...the one you have allowed into your life as your closest and most intimate of allies can also be the one who can inflict the most damage upon you because of this...I wonder is anyone is ever fully prepared for this? I am not saying there is not forgiveness and restoration but I am unsure that anyone prepares themselves for the deep hurt and intense ache that comes from those times...and of course we don't talk about them...God forbid that we talk about our struggles as if we are human...that would just not be showing the power of Christ...and so we sit and ache and feel abandoned and alone...