Painted by myself yesterday but I'm really happy with how it turned out! It was fun but definitely tiring...a lot of taping off. Only one more major room downstairs left to do and hopefully I can get that done on Thursday. We are planning an open house for New Years and my goal is to have it ready by then.

It's interesthing how God works. Over a year ago we were going through a book called "Calm my Anxious Heart" in a ladies Sunday School class. I forgot I even had the book. The other day I was looking for another book and "accidently" grabbed that one instead. I believe in God's hand on the little things...it has been exactly what I have needed.

It has been hard moving. I was comfortable with the roles I had. I enjoyed the area we lived in. I knew where to find things and had the freedom to go wherever. We had a big church with plenty of fellowship. Now we are in a small church where the attendence is fluctuating and it is often discouraging because things aren't going to happen fast. I'm at home most of the time and if we go somewhere it's usually with Kevin driving and he is not as interested in stopping where I would like to...his schedule is so crunched with school and church stuff. To really do decent shopping we have to travel to Glens Falls and that's a one trip a week type of thing. I don't know where all the cool thrift stores and used book stores are and I haven't had a chance to find them. I don't know people well enough yet to see if they want to go. I'm still not pregnant...and most of the time I have stuff to do but still feel bored.

So,I was reading the book and it really kicked me in the butt about being content with my role. There are a lot of people in different areas of life that probably wish they could be where I'm at. The question was asked in the book...will you accept the cup God has given you? I need to make that choice, over and over, day after day, minute after minute. I need to find ways to thrive. I'm not sure what that looks like yet but I'm hoping to have the courage to step out and do it when the time comes. I am such a people person but I am not always one to take iniative when I don't feel comfortable. At camp or in the classroom it's easy to because I am established. Not so much here.

Finally able to decorate!! I feel settled in now. Hosted the Ladies Aide Christmas party and it was fun to show them what we have done to the house so far. We also were given the tree by one of the families in the church...it's a beautiful spruce tree!!

Life really has been up and down emotionally for me lately. Yesterday I got notes from some of my kids about their new english teacher and how they missed me and it really hit that I'm gone. I really miss teaching. Yes, I am enjoying being home but it's starting to get lonely.

Then, we had a visit to make with a family and had some awesome fellowship time and encouragemnt. I really felt an opportunity to connect and also to understand where they were coming from. There was also the potenital for not only some discipleship but the possibilty of a good friendship as well.

The other amazing thing God has dropped in Kevin's lap is the opportunity to have a part in the funeral of a well known man in the community. He is catholic but lived beside the church and our people had a great testimony with the family and so they asked Kevin to be a part of the funeral! It just blows our minds. Kevin has only visited the family 1 other time before the man passed away but they said our church has done more for them then theirs. So, there is an opportunity to minister to the community and share God with them!

God is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we can ask or think. I have to cling to this because I woke up this morning feeling homesick again and yet I see what God is doing around us.

So, here's the story of our Thanksgiving adventures. This year we headed out to see Kevin's sister Yvonne and her family who live in Port Huron, MI (above Detriot). Her husband, Jason, is a Captian of the Coast Guard unit in Detroit and they have 3 kids - Rachel (9), Nolan (4) and Jenna (20 months). We had so much fun being able to play with them. Nolan loves Uncle Kevin because Uncle Kevin loves Star Wars too...so he would greet us each morning but bouncing on us!



We traveled out on Tuesday and on Wednesday were able to meet up with our good friends Ty and Kelly at Starbucks outside Detriot. We were also able to get a little Christmas shopping done too!!

As we were walking around the mall Jason called with a question. He was part of a group that CBS had come and help tape a segment. They were presenting the iron man trophy at the Lions/Dolphins game on Thanksgiving Day and they wanted to Coast Guard to bring it in sort of Survivor style (so if you watched the game...my brother in law was one of the ones that delivered it). So, anyways...as a thank you, they gave him tickets to the game. He ended up getting 6 tickets and we were able to go with the kids to the game! The coolest part is that we had seats up in the box section. They were right in front of the private boxes, were nice and padded, and had a better food area! It was really cool! It was my first ever pro football game and though I am not a huge fan of the teams it was fun to go!



On the way back we were able to stop in Syracuse and meet my family for dinner! It was a fun trip but it's nice to be home!

My husband spoke a great message today about Thanksgiving but as usual he did not take the normal route...instead he talked about how thankfulness comes from contentment. This was a real challange to me. Am I really content with what God has given me. I feel as if I fail in that regard...I wish for my house to finally be painted and decorated exactly how I want it, I want to have a family and be a mom...there is a lot of things I want but it comes back to I...Kevin took us to Phil. 4 and challanged us that contentment comes from finding sufficiency in Christ...How can I not be content with the All Sufficient God as my Abba Father...and yet I am...I am challanged to change my perspective!

I can't decide if my life is a comedy or a tragedy most of the time. I am definitely a feeler. So much so that I end up feeling the hurt and stress that those around me feel. Right now Kevin is stressed out of his mind with school work and it definitely affects me. On top of that I am trying to keep busy so that I don't drop into a fetal position and cry. I do like being here but I miss people. I miss my kids and my family. On top of that with Kevin so tense and me so sensitive, we are constantly in communcation struggles...

However there are a few comical additions to my life. I have offically deflowered the house and in stating this my husband likes to comment about he did that to me. And I do see some similiarities...it's a lot of work for a very little result, it's messy, and it feels like only one person is doing most of the work. I know...this is a wrong vein to go down but I just needed it. I was stripping down the wall paper and for some odd reason thinking about this...at least I had a good laugh.

So, I have spent my first week home getting settled and starting to work on improving the look of our dated house. I deflowered the walls of wallpaper border and then we were able to get the dining room painted and I love how it turned out!









Kevin also discovered hardwood floors under the carpet in the living room. We have the paint for it...a dark khaki...and I think it's gonna look awesome. Hopefully we will be able to get it painted next week.









This is the view from our little back deck...I am so thankful that God has allowed us to live up here in the beauty of his creation!

Well...I have definitely had some firsts these last few days. Today was my first Pastors and Wives fellowship. It was fun to meet some other pastor's wives in the area...they were such an encouragement! Sunday was my first Sunday night service at the church. I learned that they have food and stick around to chat afterwards which was really nice. I actually made a pumpkin cake and they all liked it (I am not always the most confident in my baking skills). Tomorrow will be my first prayer meeting and I guess I go with the ladies and lead their prayer time even though all of them are older than me. It was also my first time being car sick as we traveled around the area. We took a bunch of winding roads and I had not eaten lunch so needless to say not so much fun...but I made it home without mishap. The weird thing is I am the one with the iron stomach in the car...I can read in the car and it doesn't bother me at all...it was weird. So, I am sure this is some of many firsts. I think the hardest one was waking up on Monday and realizing school had started without me there...sad. But, though I really miss everyone I am really excited to see how God is going to use us here!

Arrived at Brant Lake Friday night after a tearful suprise send off by my kids. VERY happy to see my husband (2 weeks is way too long to be away)!!!!!!! Now it's the gradual process of settling in. It was fun to see everyone at church and listen to my wonderful husband speak. I know the next few weeks will be an adjustment. It is just nice to be home and at Kevin's side again. I keep looking around me thinking...I can't believe God is letting me live in such a beautiful place! We have such a cute little quaint church and sweet people to get to know!

So, I am definitely experiencing a very odd point in my life...the last two weeks while I finish up teaching I have been living with my parents again. It is not exactly like high school but it still is sort of weird. Mom likes having company for anything so I am the companion. There is a sense of not having a lot of privacy unless you retreat to your room and then you feel like you are being rebellious. Mom falls asleep on the couch and Dad in the chair watching TV. And then there is the classic clothing comments as I get ready for school in the morning. On top of that I feel obligated to help with chores and keep busy because I'm back home. It's just soooo weird!

Well, my face is looking somewhat better...I can actually drink without a straw...it has been a little bit like the blender faces at camp during PJ week but we are definitely on the road to recovery. I have really been focused on just getting up to the Adirondacks but God challanged me today to Redeem the time. I only have a few short days with these kids and I want to share my heart with them and pray that they will take something away from it. I made them each a bookmark and wrote a message on the back sharing my dreams for them. I am just praying their hearts will be open and God will use this to challange them!

Well, I was a little concerned about how Bell's Palsy and teaching would go together but I decided to have some fun with it. I told the kids it was not my halloween mask or a bad botox experiement. But, I told them if they wanted to talk to me they had to do it out of the side of their mouth so that I would feel left out. We also discovered I have a happy side of the face and a serious side so when I need to I just show them the side of the face I want them to see. We had a lot of good laughs over it and it helped a ton.

So, we got up to Brant Lake Friday night and spent the night unpacking the kitchen. Kevin and I were excited to sleep on our new bed and the next morning I woke up with some pretty bad allergies. We decided to go out for breakfast and on the way I was putting on lip gloss when I realized my lips were a little odd. When we got to the resturant I showed mom and something was definitely weird. We picked up benadryl thinking it was an allergic reaction adn realized we needed to rip out quite a few of the carpets in the parsonage because of animal smells. Well, by the time I headed out for our first sunday the left side of my face was partially paralyzed. I went to the doctor yesterday and discovered I have bell's palsy. Some of my nerves are inflamed and I'm on steriods to help reduce the swelling which will allow my face to go back to normal. So, the new pastor's wife went to church deformed for the first sunday and now she gets to teach jr. and sr. high students out of the side of her mouth. I have decided I'm going to tell them this is my halloween face or this is what botched botox looks like!

It's all packed up and I'm waving goodbye and heading up on Friday...the stress is wearing down and the excitement it settling in a little! I'm excited to at least start settling everything.

My life is now packed into a 16 foot truck and getting ready to head down the road without me. It's so wierd!

It is a very weird feeling to have your life in boxes. I am saying goodbye to most of it tomorrow as it rides away on a big truck to a new place. I will follow on Friday and be there for the weekend, then head back down for 2 more weeks of school. It has been quite stressful and unsettling to have to pack everything up and it is has been even harder to say farewell to people. The awesome faith gang gave us a very powerful and moving send off that of course brought me to tears. This next few weeks will be hard.

So on the mindeless entertainment side of things. I have found out that my husband is more into Gray's Anatomy than I am, Survivor is losing it's excitement for me (I know...it took long enough) and Lost is still just really wierd. JJ's new stuff is ok but I definitely miss Alias but I have found Numbers to still be one of the favorites. So, I found out that Ness watches Project Runway so here's the question...who do you think should win? I am fond of Laura but think she is more fit for middle age designing, Uli is cute but very similar in styles, Jeffrey just irrates me with his attitude and is to reminiscent of last seasons, so I'm going for Michael.

I got this from Michael Card's Devotional e-mail and it was so powerful Iwanted to share.

The Life of Lament

1Then the LORD said to Job, 2"Do you still want to argue with the Almighty? You are God's critic, but do you have the answers?" 3Then Job replied to the LORD, 4"I am nothing--how could I ever find the answers? I will put my hand over my mouth in silence. 5I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say."
Job 40:1-5 NLT

The two of them have come to the end of their wrestling match. Job, like Jacob, had struggled with the Lord, trying to understand how a God of hesed could have allowed himself, an innocent man, to suffer so.

Job had been forced to fight with his own friends as well. As you read this novel of lament, you sense that their long theological discourses were more painful for Job than the final confrontation with the God of unanswerable questions.

Most people miss the miracle of Job. They are too caught up in matters of right or wrong. But Job is not about being right, it is about being faithful. In the end the miracle is that the God who was seated on the throne in chapter one has come down. He has been moved by Job's tears.

So, yesterday was the first of many goodbyes. It was our last sunday at Brewerton and it was sad. We have not been there that long but have really connected with some of the families and have grown to love the church. I know it's not really goodbye but see you later but it won't be the same and that is sad...I have really come to value so many of them and the friendships we have been able to build.

Truth #1

you can't really tell if your pregnant or not until a certain number of days have passed and they haven't...yep patience

Truth #2

sometimes dyeing your hair can be uplifting, other times, when it turns out way too dark and you look goth and your husband burst out laughing and it's too late to run to the store...it's not a good thing. Hopefully a box of highlights tomorrow can do something to help. It will get the kids and teachers talking though...maybe i'll wear all black just for fun.

Truth #3

Though your husband may be a great cook, it does not guarantee that he knows how to deal with whole nutmeg or how much to put in...hopefully the apple crisp will survive.

Truth #4

I'm glad for long weekends...even if it does mean I'll be packing for some of it.

Well, we had an assembly this morning to share with the kids the news...it was hard. I definitely cried and so did a bunch of the kids. A few took it harder than others. It was an emotionally wearing day. On the positive side, I am going to the doctor tomorrow and will know if the medicine helped me to get pregnant...I am having a few little symptoms but am trying not to read into anything so we'll see. I'll keep you posted.

So here's the 411 now that I actually have time to sit down and digest it. We waited anxiously for the call because we knew they were not voting until after the evening service. When the phone rang I waited with baited breath until I heard Kevin say that we accept the call. The vote was 13 to 1 which we were happy about.

So, today Kevin gave his 2 weeks notice and I gave my 30 day notice. We will be packing gradually and Kevin will be loading up the truck and heading out the 19th and I will head up the next day...only for the weekend though. I will have to work until the 3rd and then come back on the 9th for parent teacher confrences.

They have a cute parsonage for us that needs some paint but much bigger than our little apartment. So, Kevin will be painting while I am still teaching and then I'll get to "nest" once I get up there. The church has about 40 people on a Sunday morning but has potenitial. We love the area and the people are really fun and relax so it's exciting. I broke the news to the teachers this morning and will have to wait a few days to tell the kids which will be hard. So paint colors are picked out and there will be some curtains to buy but it will be so nice to have a house of our own and a church to work in!!

we are going to the adirondacks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the parsonage...

Five years ago today I married my best friend.

Oh...and I have to give a happy birthday shoutout to our camp mascot...how cute is she!

So, the week has gone by faster than we thought and in 8 days a lot of things may change for us. 1. we may be accepted and brant lake and begin the process of getting ready to move on.
2. we will have celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary
3. we may be expecting...if these drugs do their job.

Wow...so much! I just want to make sure I'm not so busy looking toward the future that I miss out on what God has for me this week. We had a ladies craft day today and the speaker was a former staffer who lost her son in a car accident and it was both moving and challanging....the biggest thing I got from it was that I need to have a willingness to surrender to God and look for Him to be glorified in my life in any circumstance. She said if God gave her a chance to have it all over again she would still be willing to lose her son because of what she learned, how she grew, and what God has done. Wow!!

yep...just cute...it's called where two or three are gathered. This is what I feel like right now...On my knees and knowing others are there with me.

This is the small little country church that may become our new adventure!

We are home and God has worked...though we will not know until Oct. 1st what the church is going to choose we had some very positive feedback. It is a small church but great people, a great area, and some great opportunities. The people are pretty easy going country folk who like to laugh and joke with each other. The area is one what we love...the adirondacks is one of our absolute favorite places!! The church is older but still nice and the parsonage is really nice. It even has a little barn/garage for kevin, a dishwasher, a back porch, and a huge yard for a garden. It will definitely need some paint and such but it wouldn't be bad at all. We are still praying though...we want this to be what God wants. I am also in the middle of my fertility stuff so if it works I should be able to get pregant within the next two weeks...wow, a lot going on in the next two weeks...

so excitement has turned to nerves as we get ready to head up to the Adirondacks right after school tomorrow and all I can say about it is AHHHHHH...(this is not a I'm stressed out of my mind Ahh but more of a it's scary and highly anticipatory)

I know this is quite a random topic but it really has got me going...you see, I come from a home where my mother can create this huge spread for whoever happens to be there and seems to pull it out of thin air and know how to do it perfectly.

Then there's me...am I really her child...this makes me question it. There came a point growing up that i had screwed up a few things enough to become the family joke and so college resulted in me avoiding the waffle maker out of fear. I actually had a friend walk me through it the first time.

So, living on my own I can do whatever so I do...pasta is easy and I always have the pizza recipe mom gave me that is a fall back on whenever someone is over. But, then comes marriage to a guy that cooks better than I do...so, food network became my best friend and I pick up some good tips and was educated on all sorts of stuff.

However, when one is working full time and traveling on the weekends, cooking for only 2 becomes more of a burden...I have to admit NY Pizzeria is our good friend and the Chinese place in Cortland too...but that is only a once a week splurge on our salary so the rest of the time I'm trying to pull something out of my butt...so last night was perogies and hot dogs.

I feel weird that we still do mac and cheese out of the box and in someways a failure. But, what seems so easy for someone else to throw together is not for me...I try menus and such but I don't always have time for that or the energy to find new ways to make chicken or use ground beef. I do have a wonderful husband who takes his turn cooking too which is a blessing but I am even more insecure because I know he's better at it than I am.

I guess I still have these perceptions of what makes a good wife and cookings pretty much up there on the list and I'm pretty much not getting there.

So, we made it back from Belmont and all I can say is I definitely feel like it more than anything else was a dress rehearsal for next weekend. Kevin did a great job and the people were really nice but it was not necessarily the church for us. It is definitely going to be a busy week so there won't be too much time to think about this weekend. We are also going up on Friday and staying at a hotel in Lake George for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary a little early. The leaves are supposed to be at about peak and I am looking forward to the time away.

Oh, and we saw a doosey of a church sign....

Thinking about Coming? Start Now!

Nope, don't recommend using that one for a ministry slogan...

So, Monday I spent the morning relaxing a little and then headed out to Ithaca with Mom, Dad, and Chris in their new ride and it ended up being a ride as Dad misguided Mom directionally but I have to admit I laughed most of the way...between Chris and Dad...they crack me up!

Tuesday school started again...it has definitely been different this year for a lot of reasons. I have a different lunch period (not with the high school) which for me is huge. I really spent most of my lunch periods either catching up with my friend Dawn (the math teacher) or having so awesome hang out and talking time with some of my high schoolers. So, I miss it. I also am teaching gym so 3 days a week I can wear gym clothes...it feels weird after teaching for so long in skirts but I am enjoying it. The elementary gym classes have been fun and pretty easy...basically teaching them how to follow directions. I finally had jr. high and sr. high girls gym and basically just went over everything...we'll see how it goes.

Wed. I called my dr. because this medicine was suppose to start doing something and it hadn't. I found out it could be another week which means later for everything else and then got to school on Thur. and found out a friend of mine is pregnant and then felt guilty because I was happy for them but it hit me hard that I still wasn't. So I had a good cry and talked to God about it...didn't really get much of an answer but I am working on surrendering my will - not so much fun but the right thing to do and worth it in the end.

Went over to camp last night to help with registration for the teen retreat. It was fun to see Tiff and Cadi again but I really feel like I don't really fit anymore. I am seeing God's hand in that too because if we do move that experience has helped me feel ok about leaving Bayouca. Not that it won't always be important but that I am ok stepping away from my role. I really needed that.

So, today we are off to Western NY for Kevin to pulpit supply and next weekend we will be up in the Adirondacks canidating at a church up there. It will be interesting to see what God will do.

Oh, and you know how sometimes you read something at just the right time? I have been reading Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb and though it sounds like a knife to the heart, cut you open type of book...it has been incredibly encouraging and needful...it has reminded me that it is ok to hope and to stiffle those hopes and desires is wrong...it's just how we direct them...Highly recommed it!!

I have a choice right now...it is somewhat of a big one. I don't know what's going on in my body and my life for that matter. It is completely out of my control. I want at times to be mad and most of the time I feeling like Jacob in WWF with God but I have to choose. Not because I feel it because frankly I don't but because I know what is true in spite of how I feel and therefore I must trust. I must trust in the fact that God is at work and that more than anything he has a plan even in this. I can sit there and think about all I could have or be or I can put my hope in him.

I am not pregnant and now join the ranks of those who try fertility stuff...nothing too big...just some pills to get me regular. I am disappointed and sad but the dr. said that I can end up being pregnant within the month and maybe with twins....I guess it's just hard to feel like in some ways something is wrong with me or I am not normal and can't just get pregnant but, this too will be a learning opportunity. Thanks for the prayers!

Hi, I'm Amy and I'm Afraid...yes it feels good to admit it...I am fighting the waves of fear that come when I actually stop. By about 4:00 today I will know if I am going to be a mother. The thing that scares me most right now is that I won't be and that something else is wrong with me...it is a nagging and unsettled feeling and I know all the scripture to spout off to myself but to be honest I feel like the only way to cope is to keep busy. I know I will be find but this apprehension can drive a person batty. Especially because my hopes are up and I really want to be pregnant...I really want a baby. I'm afraid of disappointment and have known the sting of it one to many times...so until 4:00 I'm holding on and after that I will deal with whatever comes up next.

Not too bad...but lacking the euphoria...maybe because there is the ever looming possibility of moving...but still good to see my kids and catch up a little on summer things...my 11--12th grade english class is packed!! It will be interesting.

Nausated one night, took a nap today, body changing...trying not to get up hope but can't wait to know. If I am then the adoption thing is probably on hold...things aren't going well on the families side either so it seems the door may be shutting. I'm ok with that.

The next few weekends will be busy as we have one more sunday at brewerton before we start puplit supply/canidating...first at a church near olean, ny and then in the adirondacks. We are hopeful but realized today we'll be sad to leave the people we have come to love at brewerton. We could move up near there and find jobs but i don't know if that is what is best.

school starts tomorrow and we ended up getting some great deals shopping on sat. and so if am excited. I do miss my kids and am ready for a good year or however long...

got to go to the state fair and hang out with my nieces and nephew sat which was fun...nolan loves uncle kevin because uncle kevin loves star wars and jenna wasn't feeling well so she did not love anyone until aunt amy starting feeding her some meat from her dinner. They are precious and we love seeing them.

Well...time to start getting up at the butt crack of dawn and grading papers again...it's the kids that make it worth while though.

Well, it is starting to look like school beginning again...my room is decorated and organized from the summer packup and hide away (they kindly call it shared space with the church and I am wise enough to know what needs to be put away and not shared)...and yet I am doing a delicate dance of make it somewhat person without putting up a ton of my stuff that will have to be taken down after the 1/4 if we move. I have today and tomorrow to work on lesson plans and getting my expectations and rules for each class organized. I actually have a free period in the morning which is nice and I am teaching 4 gym classes but they are all in the afternoon...it should be ok. I also have speech 2 times a week and take a lot from college speech class for that. It will be fun.

Kevin has also gotten 2 more calls about other churches. One is in western, ny and he is going there to pulpit supply on the tenth, and one in inner city syracuse. Feast or Famine.

As for me, we are debating buying another test because I am definitely feeling something...so tired it's unbelievable but not totally I need a nap tired...just, I do one thing and I am tired out. We'll see...again a balance of guarding my heart and allowing myself to hope. I do flip to the discovery health channel every once in awhile when baby stuff is on but I limit myself. I'm just ready to know but don't know if I am ready for another at home one to depress me. So, I just keep learning patience

I'm having a hard time not getting excited and mentally planning for any of the possibilities around the corner. Last night I was on line looking at paint color ideas in case we move into the parsonage. The other day I picked up some little girl clothes and some baby stuff at some yard sales...now I fear I am letting myself get my hopes up and will be disappointed. But it's so nice to hope...

so, we have on corner to go around...the church in the Adirondacks called and we will be going up there on the 17th to canidate...

camp is done...school is starting and I slept in until 12:30 today. Spent saturday reorganizing my house just in case anything happens though kevin is now back to wishy washy on the adoption thing while I am still gung ho...but have not heard anymore news on the other side of things to see if it is even going to happen. We are still waiting for the mom to sign over rights to the grandma and proceed with a private adoption. Have a dr's appt. for the 30th and still nothing to disprove and yet trying not to get my hopes up...sick of over the counter tests because it's just so stressful so we'll see. I am not totally ready to jump into school. Don't even know what room I will have so we'll have to see. Got a pile of crap to go into the unknown room and hopefully will be able to get it settled and everything ready within the week...went school shopping and got a cute jacket for $2.00 though my husband thinks it looks like something my mother would wear (she is a cute dresser so I don't mind) and he helped me pick out a skirt to go with my shoes I got thrifting with ness. Got to pick up a few more essentials and of course get some sticky notes and fun pens to grade with (I love school supplies...so weird, I know but I do...it's like on you've got mail where it talks about a boquet of pencils...anyways) So, I am still just waiting to see about what life is going to bring around the next corner and wish I could get around that corner soon.

I have no idea right now which way is up. At this point I feel like all things are flying at me feverishly and I am still searching through my closet for my baseball glove. The best way I know how to express it is in list form.

1. I am not sure if I am pregnant...yes, I have gone the ept route and with no positive result but I also have no conformation otherwise and need to somehow find time to make a dr's appointment about it.

2. We were approached by a friend about adopting a four year old girl and never realized the amount of paperwork there was too it and are still unsure the mother is going to sign off rights even though if she doesn't the grandma will have to report her and put the girl in foster care. So, we are in libo about whether we will end up getting her and anticipating being instant parents to a four year old.

3. Kevin is looking for a chance to get back into ministry and there is a possibility of a church in the adirondacks opening up...we love that area and yet it is still close to family and would be a good first church but don't know if they even want us yet and when it will all happen.

4. Camp is winding down and school is coming around the corner with appeals for me to teach not only english and speech but gym and bible...on top of the above listed uncertianities...I have not signed a contract offically but it is going to be sticky if all the sudden we have to move.

We do have options for childcare so that will help if we end up with Allie...but the reality is within a year we could be moved, in a new ministry and have 2 kids...why does it have to all come at once?

So, I've had quite a few conversations about children as of late...seeing as we have not had one yet but long for one...so after much talk about pregnancy, adoption, foster care...and many other circumstances my husband also seems to be much more ready. So, sitting in church one sunday I send up a pretty innocent prayer about seeking God's will but also wanting a child someday. Next thing I know my friend pulls me aside and asks me if we have ever considered adoption because she knows of a four year old girl who might need a home...whoa...so we have been thrust into the realm of adoption paperwork, agencies, lawyers, house inspections, cost, and anticipation...don't know what we are getting into but pretty sure God is working!

I struggle with church. That is probably a shocking statement from a good little Baptist girl. So, let me explain. I grew up at camp - literally. No, not just going one week each summer - I lived there. Most of the kids I grew up with said I was lucky and I'd have to agree with them. You see, camp is in my blood...I love it!

Yet, with my good little bible college education I learned about the God ordained institution called the church. That was ok with me but it was hard to reconcile my feelings for camp versa my feelings about church. If church was a God ordained institution why in the world am I enjoying camp so much more? Why do I see more results coming from camp than the local church? Why are kids more excited about camp than Sunday School? Don't get me wrong...I don't hate the church. In fact for awhile my husband was a pastor. But, the logic of it all does not connect. So, I decided to look at why I like camp more.

What makes camp so powerful? What things about camp make it so impacting? I came up with an interesting list. AT camp you see real fellowship because people are authentic. They find rest and restoration because they are away from the distractions around them. They find fellowship with other believers and accountability as they are challenged by the word. They also have fun together which makes their bonds stronger. Spiritual growth takes place as people rub elbows with each other, spurring each other on. A sense of community develops from the shared experiences and real relationships that are forged.

I look at this list and compare it to what God calls the church to be and it fits many of the guidelines - this is not to say that camp is a church or that churches should be held at a campground. My point is that camp is doing what should be found in the local church. It seems as if there are organizations rising up to fulfill the God given responsibilities of the church because they are failing to do it. What would it take for a church to be a place of authenticity where those who are in the fight can come and find rest and be a part of a community, to have strong bonds through shared experiences, and even fun? I am not saying camp should not exist but calling for the church to be what God has called them to be and maybe much more would be accomplished.

Do churches have some of these qualities - absolutely. Is it meeting the needs of those around them-maybe. Is a a community that culture growth, creates fun, and offers rest? That is the question to be asked. The church is highly valued to be referred to as the bride of Christ but what is the bride doing to prepare for her groom and what is she leaving up to those outside the wedding party to meet needs?

I thought working at camp would not be so busy this year but that's was my optimistic, rose colored glasses self talking...it's been so busy. I know God is doing some incredible things this summer because we have faced a lot and satan seems to be working overtime to try to discourage this week. With the loss of a board member and flooding at the beginning of the summer we weren't sure how much more we could take but God has shown his grace. We are all just to the point of weariness and are trying to remember to rest on his strength.

It's one of those times...those times when the hand of God does not make sense...when it's not ok and it's impossible to pretend it is.

I am highly curious and amused by specialty liscence plates...I see a variety of saying and usually it piques my interest as to why they would choose that particular statement to identify with...one today I saw said learn4u....does this person mean that what they learn they use for me such as someone who is training to be a doctor and then may save my life...or are they challanging me to learn? I wish I could just stop and ask them the story of their plate.

Due to the fact that I have devoted some time the last 5 years into a show that I would have to say was one of my favorites, I believe it deserves some time and mention as it had it's final episode...though I prepared myself to either have the rug pulled out from under me as has happened many times in this show or to be disheartened at it's end...I was suprisingly satisfied with the ending...they did not try to pretend that Syd and Vaughn went on with their happy lives without their CIA jaunts but instead kept it as a minor part of who they were...I was not suprised at who ended up dying and living for that matter or the fact that they left it wide open for a continuation or spin off...I say it was a good ending to a show that for the most part kept me watching with interest.

Been chewing on some things lately and had a great time chatting with my girls about it and they really challanged me as we thought through it together...here's some things...feel free to comment:
1. We look not at what is seen but what is unseen for what is seen is temporal but what is unseen is eternal 2 Corinthians 4...yet, why do we struggle so much with finding more enjoyment, time, and seeking fulfillment from the seen and how do we begin to change.
2. What's in a name...though we do not go into the complexity of naming children as other cultures have is there something to the meaning of each of our names? My first name means beloved and my middle name christian....warner has to do with someone who had a role in the context of the military to warn others...and radford has to do with making a home near a ford in the river...just how does my name challange me and what does your name say about you?
3. The Red Dot...pick up the book Papa Prayer by Larry Crabb and find out what it's all about...if you have already you will probably agree with me that it is an awesome illustration...I plan on doing some redecorating and incorportating some red dots into my life as a reminder.

It seems as if life does not stop to take notice of how desperately we need the rest and restoration of silence. It is often impossible to find some place, some time which is ours alone. A way in which to be, not to do or to impress, not to entertain or to enlighten but just to be and to find ourselves wholly there. It however is most desperatley what our soul needs. We live emaciated lives trying to desperately fill the void with anything or anyone and yet we feel so alone. Any why...because we have not found life and life more abundantly. How often we can elaborate on our piose theological rhetoric and fail to connect on a personal level with the true source of all life and the maker of our wandering hearts. Yes, He is the hound of heaven but we are flying through life so fast and are so easily distracted by the glitter and so called glory of superficial life that we fail to hear His whisper above the din.

I have come to realize that we are a culture with a phobia of silence. We are afraid to hear nothing external because then we may have to face our internal agnst. If we continue to fill our days with business and noise we have no problem facing ourselves because we continue to survive. Yet, do we really live or do we just exsist when we operate in function mode. Do we really come into reality with ourselves, others, and God if we are unable to see any of it through the dim fog of our 60 mile an hour lives? How do we feel any sense of peace or joy with lives filled to the brim with nothing of substance...it's like air popped popcorn overflowing from the small bowls of our lives. Tt is not sustaining but it sure takes up a lot of space. How do we live like this? How can we not question what our purpose in life truly is and where is the peace we so often long for. Maybe it's in the silence. Makes it's in getting back to the grass roots of our lives. Stopping and take a breathe of cool fresh air and taking in the life that was so furoiusly passing us by. How can we hear God moving in the midst of a traffic jam when he wants to whisper in our soul and we sit in silence waiting to draw near to Him. We are all emaciated cadavers whose life has been sucked out of them by the mobile world and the deathly fear of the silence and peace exposing the chaos of our soul. Yet The Artist of Life knows how to restore our gaunt lives to bring a fullness and joy we can never conceive if we would just stop and listen.

I was reading a book yesterday and it shared a verse from Joel that said "I will make up to you for the years the locust have eaten." I went and read the book of Joel and it really helped to explain the locust example. I began thinking about it in my life...I know it is meant for Isreal as a specific thing but in the concept of God being one who does not waste anything I think there is some application. There have been times in my life I have almost felt like I have missed out because I have been going through things and have not been able to live "normally" but then I begin to think about what He has given me instead and it is amazing...My wonderful husband, Experiences that then can allow me to help others who are going through the same thing, but most importanly he has given me a greater knowlege and stronger relationship with him because of those things.

this is one of those days where you wonder how in the world you are going to get through...one of those days where you are at the end of anything you have and yet you have no choice but to go on...one of those days where small things become huge, the world falls apart as words and emotions spill out all over the floor and your not sure how long it will take to pick up the pieces but you are still suppose to go on with life as usual and try to pretend that everything is ok. It's one of those days that if you could turn back the clock you would and instead of getting up you would stay in bed and call in sick. It's to the point that you have not just pushed yourself to the end of your rope but the end is fraying and you are holding on to one little tiny thread and it is beginning to slip out of your grasp. It's one of those days where all that you have been learning and wanting to apply has instead turned out to be everything you do and the guilt you feel is carried because maybe in some way it will make up for everything else. It's a day where you have no doubt you need the grace of God because it's the only way your still standing upright.

So, it's four and I have been awake for about an hour and a half and have really tried to sleep but to no avail. I am not sure why all this is happening when my body desperately needs the sleep but I have learned to roll with the punches. So, I have felt like the past few days I have finally made a concerted effort to just mentally stop and grab on fiercly to some silence. I have desprately needed it as life has just been for the lack of a better word, endless. The kids are all ansy to be out of school and are working to push the boundaries on everything again...camp is gearing up and so I am now adding again secretary to my list of responsibilities...we are continuing to travel to Brewerton on the weekends to minister...Kevin has his final for Hebrew this week and is gearing up for a summer module...and I have been battling the uncertianty of whether I am pregnant (yes...I know there are ways to tell but though pregancy tests are supposed to be accurate...when all one has money for is the cheap ones and they are not realiable one questions it...especially when it says no and symptoms say yes)...and then there is the reality that if I am pregnant how does that paint the future differently and we will probably have to move. All of this came to overwhelm to the point of non-function and I finally ran to the silence I needed and have cried out for grace and realized how foolish I am to think I can carry any of this on my own...yes, I am an independent one...my husband constantly reminds me of this when I don't ask for his help when I need it...but I needed to admit that it was not to be that way with God. I need him and need to fight closing myself off to him and focusing on trying to juggle all of this myself...easier said than done but that is my goal for today.

Kevin and I love the Adirondacks...he spent a few years working up there and I have done quite a bit of hiking up there and there is just something about being able to go up there that refreshes our spirits...we are heading up today to spend a few days relaxing up there and I have really needed this break. I want to run to the peace of the mountains and bask in the silence it brings...to spend time at the feet of my savior and in the arms of my husband as we enjoy an escape from all that calls out to us so loudly in our lives. It does not matter what the weather is like I just want to go to the mountains.

The leadership team organized a community service day at school and I was asked to go along with one of the groups. It ended up being all boys heading to a nursing home...I wasn't sure how it was going to go but as I watched I was so encouraged by the way they stepped up to the plate...it took some of them a little bit of time to warm up but they all did an awesome job and it was so fun to be a part of it with them. The second half of the day we spent at a small christian bookstore on main st. in cortland. The lady who owns it has some physical disabilities but has faithfully provided a place for great resources for almost 20 years. I was able to hear her testimony of how she started with 29 cents and has trusted God each step of the way and I was moved by the faith of this woman and God's incredible working through her.

ever just had one of those days...those days where everything just goes not so great...you can't find the right outfit, you drop your purse on the way out the door, you try to get someplace on time and end up running late, you forget to pick up something and have to fight traffic to go back out and get it...and just when you need encouragement you find out the person you want it from needs it too and so you end up in the big one...that one big, stupid fight that is more about the fact that you are dead tired from giving so much that you can't communicate what you really feel and misconstrue what the other person is trying to say...you say stupid things you don't mean and in the end realize it was about nothing more that you need sleep and each other...the making up is good but the steps to get there are tough. Yet, i am thankful once again for grace...the grace to forgive, to understand, and to love in spite of.

my brother has had a very difficult few weeks and the lessons and events i faced earlier in my life has allowed me to encourage him but when you watch your baby brother who is desperately seeking to become the man of God his heart is calling him to be weeping in deep anguish my heart is wrenched...especially as my parents are becoming just as broken and i want so much to just be there for everyone. I believe strongly in God's directivness in giving us certain tendencies and I have been given a heart of mercy where I come along side those who hurt and sit there and hurt with them. It is both a great strength and a great weight and I must learn that I am not to carry it for them but contiually point them to Him and give my trust to him as well knowing he will take care of them.

I feel like I am driving down the road to an unknown destination and yet so focused on this and taking all of the right turns and curves that I don't even have time to watch what is going by. It has been so busy and I am not even sure with what...I have been spending a lot of time with my brother just listening and it has been a priviledge. I have also spent a lot of time dreaming with my husband about what could be. Most of the rest of the time I am just trying to keep up on my grading and the housework...neither of which seems to end because just as you catch up on one thing you have five more things coming at you...(and I know...wait till I have kids). So, where am I going with this? I am not sure except the fact that I realize I miss so people and catching up with them because I am just trying to stay on the road and I am hoping to find a rest stop soon to regroup.

In my heart I am a nurse...not the stick a needle in someone and wear cute scrubs with fun pictures on them...no...my instict is to nurse...to see people who are hurting and want to sit at their bedside and care for them as they heal...with this comes the gift of compassion and a heart that aches over the hurts of others. I cannot help it but I am also learning not to let in get me down...I need to do what I can but to continue to lead them to the balm of gilead...the divine healer....and share with them the cry...heal me oh Lord and I will be healed...saved me and I will be saved for Thou are my praise! Though this work at times leaves me emotionally exhausted it is to me a grand battle to be a part of...florence nightengale on the front lines of the utlimate war between good and evil.

Life has seemed to be a conveyor belt of late...I feel like I cannot keep up but struggle to grab and organize as much as possible. I am not sure how to keep up with everything...I sort of feel like the classic Lucy episode at the choclate factory and I'm running out of places to stuff things. I am thankful for every ministry opportunity but pray that I can continue to keep my head above water.

Sara tagged me so here it is

Four jobs that i've had..3-4 grade teacher, 7-12 grade english teacher (yes - quite a jump...but is it?), camp secretary, and lifeguard

Four movies i would put on repeat...The Princess Bride, Sweet Home Alabama, Tommy Boy, and The Village

Four Vacation spots...Jamacia (mo bay), Williamsburg, The Adirondacks, The Beach

Four foods i would eat anytime...Chocolate, French Fries, Donuts, Ice Cream

Four changes i would make to my house...buy a 2 story old house to remodel, get a choclate lab, have a spa tub, have a room that is just a library

Four beers i like...I don't like beer so I'll go with other beverages...sparkling grape juice, raspberry desert wine, starbucks anything, sobe

four t.v shows...Alias, Survivor, Numbers, Extreme Makeover home edition

Four tags...1. Kevin,2. anyone else who actually reads this blog

So I have often justified my frustration with my students of late as teacher stuff and them being the attitudy, disrespectful ones and though they may at times be that pastor comings talked to them today in chapel about all that he saw in them and it really kicked me in the attitudy rear about my attitude. I stepped into the school year happy and excited to see all that was going on in their lives and then after weeks of school all I can see is the negative. I really had to start looking at the good that I saw around me and focus on that and it is much more encouraging and rewarding. I was also humbled by the realization of my attitude and need to change how I think about my position. And today as I began to see all the blessings and communicate what I saw I in turn was blessed.

God has given us such grace and strength these last few days...I have really come to sense his presence in real ways. I am so thankful for his hand working in my life through everything I am facing...we lost a baby...I was only a few weeks along but I have seen God's hand in it...it has given us hope and that is what i named him or her...the baby was God's gift and blessing to us even for the few days we knew it...and he has given me peace...I sorrow, I cry, but I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that he is able to keep which I have committed unto him until that day...I have changed because of that little life...

Well, life is about to change and it has been a long time coming...nothing is 100 percent but there is a light in the horizion and hope for the future...a few places may be a possibility for ministry and the hope of the possibility of a new life as well...there is joy and yet shame...shame that I doubted and failed to trust...that my vision was so limited by my own timing and definiton of things...but God is faithful and even if things don't pan out it will be hard but there will be that glimmer of hope.

vacation from school has been a nice vacation from everything including proper grammer...i even was accousted by a student at the staff retreat and refused a converstation with her about anything school...yet on the couch next to me is a pile of papers to grade and all i want to do is run away...

my husband spoke yesterday at this church in syracuse and he wants so badly to be a pastor again and would love being back up in that area...there are 2 possiblities but no guarantee that either will pan out.

I finally took some time to do introspection over the last year and it was not shocking but sort of depressing...there is a lot i have been dealing with that i didn't realize had been affecting me so much...especially living close to my family and going to my home church...so much of my past battles with people's expectations and my own of myself and others has become much more complicated.

so, one more day after today and it is back to school and tomorrow is my birthday so yah!! My husband is taking off work so we can spend the day together...going out to eat, going to a movie...yes...a real date!!!