I have a choice right now...it is somewhat of a big one. I don't know what's going on in my body and my life for that matter. It is completely out of my control. I want at times to be mad and most of the time I feeling like Jacob in WWF with God but I have to choose. Not because I feel it because frankly I don't but because I know what is true in spite of how I feel and therefore I must trust. I must trust in the fact that God is at work and that more than anything he has a plan even in this. I can sit there and think about all I could have or be or I can put my hope in him.

I am not pregnant and now join the ranks of those who try fertility stuff...nothing too big...just some pills to get me regular. I am disappointed and sad but the dr. said that I can end up being pregnant within the month and maybe with twins....I guess it's just hard to feel like in some ways something is wrong with me or I am not normal and can't just get pregnant but, this too will be a learning opportunity. Thanks for the prayers!

Hi, I'm Amy and I'm Afraid...yes it feels good to admit it...I am fighting the waves of fear that come when I actually stop. By about 4:00 today I will know if I am going to be a mother. The thing that scares me most right now is that I won't be and that something else is wrong with me...it is a nagging and unsettled feeling and I know all the scripture to spout off to myself but to be honest I feel like the only way to cope is to keep busy. I know I will be find but this apprehension can drive a person batty. Especially because my hopes are up and I really want to be pregnant...I really want a baby. I'm afraid of disappointment and have known the sting of it one to many times...so until 4:00 I'm holding on and after that I will deal with whatever comes up next.

Not too bad...but lacking the euphoria...maybe because there is the ever looming possibility of moving...but still good to see my kids and catch up a little on summer things...my 11--12th grade english class is packed!! It will be interesting.

Nausated one night, took a nap today, body changing...trying not to get up hope but can't wait to know. If I am then the adoption thing is probably on hold...things aren't going well on the families side either so it seems the door may be shutting. I'm ok with that.

The next few weekends will be busy as we have one more sunday at brewerton before we start puplit supply/canidating...first at a church near olean, ny and then in the adirondacks. We are hopeful but realized today we'll be sad to leave the people we have come to love at brewerton. We could move up near there and find jobs but i don't know if that is what is best.

school starts tomorrow and we ended up getting some great deals shopping on sat. and so if am excited. I do miss my kids and am ready for a good year or however long...

got to go to the state fair and hang out with my nieces and nephew sat which was fun...nolan loves uncle kevin because uncle kevin loves star wars and jenna wasn't feeling well so she did not love anyone until aunt amy starting feeding her some meat from her dinner. They are precious and we love seeing them.

Well...time to start getting up at the butt crack of dawn and grading papers again...it's the kids that make it worth while though.

Well, it is starting to look like school beginning again...my room is decorated and organized from the summer packup and hide away (they kindly call it shared space with the church and I am wise enough to know what needs to be put away and not shared)...and yet I am doing a delicate dance of make it somewhat person without putting up a ton of my stuff that will have to be taken down after the 1/4 if we move. I have today and tomorrow to work on lesson plans and getting my expectations and rules for each class organized. I actually have a free period in the morning which is nice and I am teaching 4 gym classes but they are all in the afternoon...it should be ok. I also have speech 2 times a week and take a lot from college speech class for that. It will be fun.

Kevin has also gotten 2 more calls about other churches. One is in western, ny and he is going there to pulpit supply on the tenth, and one in inner city syracuse. Feast or Famine.

As for me, we are debating buying another test because I am definitely feeling something...so tired it's unbelievable but not totally I need a nap tired...just, I do one thing and I am tired out. We'll see...again a balance of guarding my heart and allowing myself to hope. I do flip to the discovery health channel every once in awhile when baby stuff is on but I limit myself. I'm just ready to know but don't know if I am ready for another at home one to depress me. So, I just keep learning patience

I'm having a hard time not getting excited and mentally planning for any of the possibilities around the corner. Last night I was on line looking at paint color ideas in case we move into the parsonage. The other day I picked up some little girl clothes and some baby stuff at some yard sales...now I fear I am letting myself get my hopes up and will be disappointed. But it's so nice to hope...

so, we have on corner to go around...the church in the Adirondacks called and we will be going up there on the 17th to canidate...

camp is done...school is starting and I slept in until 12:30 today. Spent saturday reorganizing my house just in case anything happens though kevin is now back to wishy washy on the adoption thing while I am still gung ho...but have not heard anymore news on the other side of things to see if it is even going to happen. We are still waiting for the mom to sign over rights to the grandma and proceed with a private adoption. Have a dr's appt. for the 30th and still nothing to disprove and yet trying not to get my hopes up...sick of over the counter tests because it's just so stressful so we'll see. I am not totally ready to jump into school. Don't even know what room I will have so we'll have to see. Got a pile of crap to go into the unknown room and hopefully will be able to get it settled and everything ready within the week...went school shopping and got a cute jacket for $2.00 though my husband thinks it looks like something my mother would wear (she is a cute dresser so I don't mind) and he helped me pick out a skirt to go with my shoes I got thrifting with ness. Got to pick up a few more essentials and of course get some sticky notes and fun pens to grade with (I love school supplies...so weird, I know but I do...it's like on you've got mail where it talks about a boquet of pencils...anyways) So, I am still just waiting to see about what life is going to bring around the next corner and wish I could get around that corner soon.

I have no idea right now which way is up. At this point I feel like all things are flying at me feverishly and I am still searching through my closet for my baseball glove. The best way I know how to express it is in list form.

1. I am not sure if I am pregnant...yes, I have gone the ept route and with no positive result but I also have no conformation otherwise and need to somehow find time to make a dr's appointment about it.

2. We were approached by a friend about adopting a four year old girl and never realized the amount of paperwork there was too it and are still unsure the mother is going to sign off rights even though if she doesn't the grandma will have to report her and put the girl in foster care. So, we are in libo about whether we will end up getting her and anticipating being instant parents to a four year old.

3. Kevin is looking for a chance to get back into ministry and there is a possibility of a church in the adirondacks opening up...we love that area and yet it is still close to family and would be a good first church but don't know if they even want us yet and when it will all happen.

4. Camp is winding down and school is coming around the corner with appeals for me to teach not only english and speech but gym and bible...on top of the above listed uncertianities...I have not signed a contract offically but it is going to be sticky if all the sudden we have to move.

We do have options for childcare so that will help if we end up with Allie...but the reality is within a year we could be moved, in a new ministry and have 2 kids...why does it have to all come at once?

So, I've had quite a few conversations about children as of late...seeing as we have not had one yet but long for one...so after much talk about pregnancy, adoption, foster care...and many other circumstances my husband also seems to be much more ready. So, sitting in church one sunday I send up a pretty innocent prayer about seeking God's will but also wanting a child someday. Next thing I know my friend pulls me aside and asks me if we have ever considered adoption because she knows of a four year old girl who might need a home...whoa...so we have been thrust into the realm of adoption paperwork, agencies, lawyers, house inspections, cost, and anticipation...don't know what we are getting into but pretty sure God is working!

I struggle with church. That is probably a shocking statement from a good little Baptist girl. So, let me explain. I grew up at camp - literally. No, not just going one week each summer - I lived there. Most of the kids I grew up with said I was lucky and I'd have to agree with them. You see, camp is in my blood...I love it!

Yet, with my good little bible college education I learned about the God ordained institution called the church. That was ok with me but it was hard to reconcile my feelings for camp versa my feelings about church. If church was a God ordained institution why in the world am I enjoying camp so much more? Why do I see more results coming from camp than the local church? Why are kids more excited about camp than Sunday School? Don't get me wrong...I don't hate the church. In fact for awhile my husband was a pastor. But, the logic of it all does not connect. So, I decided to look at why I like camp more.

What makes camp so powerful? What things about camp make it so impacting? I came up with an interesting list. AT camp you see real fellowship because people are authentic. They find rest and restoration because they are away from the distractions around them. They find fellowship with other believers and accountability as they are challenged by the word. They also have fun together which makes their bonds stronger. Spiritual growth takes place as people rub elbows with each other, spurring each other on. A sense of community develops from the shared experiences and real relationships that are forged.

I look at this list and compare it to what God calls the church to be and it fits many of the guidelines - this is not to say that camp is a church or that churches should be held at a campground. My point is that camp is doing what should be found in the local church. It seems as if there are organizations rising up to fulfill the God given responsibilities of the church because they are failing to do it. What would it take for a church to be a place of authenticity where those who are in the fight can come and find rest and be a part of a community, to have strong bonds through shared experiences, and even fun? I am not saying camp should not exist but calling for the church to be what God has called them to be and maybe much more would be accomplished.

Do churches have some of these qualities - absolutely. Is it meeting the needs of those around them-maybe. Is a a community that culture growth, creates fun, and offers rest? That is the question to be asked. The church is highly valued to be referred to as the bride of Christ but what is the bride doing to prepare for her groom and what is she leaving up to those outside the wedding party to meet needs?