My son is constantly an investigator and explorer. His curiosity knows no bounds and it has definitely had a big impact on our household. Some of his latest adventures: 1. Turkey baseters are excellent squirt guns. 2. Flossers are fun to stick in candles. 3. Makers and crayons make it so fun to decorate the plain walls and furniture around my house. 4. All artwork needs to be stuck up on the walls with glue. 5. All fabric is free game when scissors are in hand. 6. Any bottle, including ones containing oily smelly stuff, should be used to dumped around the play room. 7. It is only necessary to eat two bites of an apple before moving on to a new one. 8. Toothpaste is not just for teeth but for spreading all over the sink. 9. It is necessary to tear apart every toy to see how it works. At times it exhausts me and he often has had to "pay" us back for what he has destroyed. I get frustrated and angry and at times fail to deal with him with the patience I should. However, I believe strongly in how important it is to understand the natural bend of each child and help them to use their personality traits as a strength. I love that he has a heart of wonder. I am thankful for his desire to understand and figure things out. I embrace his creative nature and pray for God to give me the wisdom to guide him in using these traits to honor Him. I am sure many more things will be impacted by this little man but his development and my love for him is more important than a tube of toothpaste.

My dear girl Kayli came up for a few days again and my home and heart were warmed by her presence. I am so encouraged to see God's hand at work in her life and love seeing Liese. Emma and Jack both loved having another friend to play with and she ended up with new nicknames. Emma called her Eisa and Jack's version of her name was Anna-Weise. They have definitely been adopted into our family.

I think the thing that warms my heart when people visit is the sense of home, family, and community it brings to my life. I love being able to share my life with them and honor them by opening my home and welcoming them with open arms. I guess watching my mom create a home where anyone was welcomed has rubbed off on me more than I realize. Mom always had this magic way of making people feel like family and pouring out love and food in abundance. My Dad was usually the entertainment and would inevitably persuade our visitors to enjoy some Red Green, Ma and Pa Kettle, or Jeff Foxworthy with him.

I hope my home will always be a place where people can come in, take their shoes off, plop down on the couch, and settle in as if they were home.

There are times lately when I have thought about blogging and even attempted to log in but for some reason I could not remember my password.

I am still trying to remember where the summer went but then as I look at my calendar I realize it was me who went, here, there and everywhere. In August I spent three weeks at Bayouca helping out with Family Camp and spending time with family. We then headed back home only to go up to Plattsburgh for a wedding. Mom and Dad kept the kids for us and we enjoyed a few days away.

We returned home to weather Hurricane Irene. Thankfully we did not get hit as bad as the Southern Tier and Schoharie County but watching the devistation was heart breaking. Kevin spent Sunday out on fire calls and ended up thpraveling to Schoharie county to help as well.

In the midst of the Irene aftermath our son headed to preschool and we entered another stage of life. It is weird being on this side of it after being a teacher. I am leaning much through it as Jack's strong will has not curbed just because he is attending school and he is learning the hard way sometimes. I have been reminded how much I worry about what others think and how far I still have to go. I have stressed about being the parent of the bad kid, the one who gives his teacher problems. I have struggled with feeling like I have failed or done something wrong in raising him. God and I are wrestling through this.

We then headed down to Bayouca again to help with the Ladies Retreat which was fun, especially hanging out with people I love catching up with.

On tip of this, we have church, school, harvestijng the garden, keeping up with the house, packing and unpacking...maybe I am a little tired.

This weekend I am looking forward to a some good time with my girl Kayli as she comes to visit and then in a few weeks having my parents and Aunt Kim and her family up for a visit.

I've gotten the question twice from my mom, "I read your blog post, are you alright?" I told her, "If I wasn't, I would not be blogging about it."

So why bring up such a depressing subject (yes, pun intended)? Because I truly believe there has not been enough of a voice for those who struggle with it, especially in Christian circles. I have met many who have diagnosis of OCD or Depression Issues who do not feel as if they can talk about it. I want to be a voice to help people feel like they can.

I was diagnosed with Cyclothymia when I was 19 years old. Basically it is a mild form of bi-polar that caused me to go, go, go and then crash. I have had medicine to regulate it since then and have learned to deal with the down times. It was not always easy and I questioned God a lot. I felt like I wasn't a good Christian and that I should just have faith to get over it.

What I have is a chemical imbalance. It is a medical issue. There is a chemical missing in between the neurons in my brain. God chose to make me this way. At times it seemed like a thorn in my flesh but I have learned to accept it and want to now be a voice for those who struggle.

I am afraid we tend to look at people with these type of labels as crazy and are afraid they are going to go out of control and any time. Yes, it is important that they have counseling and be monitored by their doctor, but with help and medication they can learn to function better than just ok.

I have learned my limits, when I need to say no, when I need to take it easy, and when I need to open up. Does that mean I will never have any problems? No. It just means God has helped me accept how He made me and has brought along great people in my life who understand me, and medicine that keeps me balanced.

To be honest, I was inspired by a group of articles a guy I know from college published about mental illness and was challenged to be open about my struggle. I realize that it is a risk, that people may misjudge me or misunderstand. But, I believe God has given me this challenge in my life to help others who struggle.

I often feel like there are so many things I know a little bit about but now much I really know enough about to pontificate in a deeply knowledgable way about on my blog.  But, there is one thing I know quite a bit about.  I would actually say that I have a vast amount of experience in it.  Unfortunately this topic is not only taboo but mostly swept under the carpet or hidden behind closed doors.  In some circles it may even be looked upon as unspiritual.  But, it's something a lot of people will struggle with in some way or another.  Yet, there often is no voice for it.  It's a silent and dark battle called depression.

I am not a certified counselor or therapist.  I am not going to get into all of the clinical issues.  I am only going to talk about my experiences because I feel like there are many out there who struggle and have no one to be a voice for what it feels like.  I want to open the door to conversation and allow people the freedom to begin to openly talk about it.

Obviously there are varying degrees of depression and there are times to seek professional help.  There are also people who are more prone to it than others.  However, sometimes you just hit a funk, a dark place, a down time, whatever you want to label it.  In those times it is hard to give voice to what we are feeling because it isn't talked about.  Maybe there is a fear that people will think we are unspiritual or even loony.  But, then you read the Psalms and you see David, a man after God's own heart, giving a voice to what goes on inside our hearts when we feel this way.  Maybe we're not so unspiritual after all.

I truly believe that words are inadequate for today. The word Thanks cannot express adequately the appreciation those who gave their life for our freedom deserve. It does not make up for all those who have served or are still serving have sacrificed for country. They deserve our respect and gratitude every day.

Today, my heart holds close my grandfather, Leland Nobles, veteran of WWII who served in the South Pacific. He was a simple man who never talked about all that he did. Here is part of the eulogy that I wrote a few weeks ago.

He worked as a teamster for his father before entering in the United States Army in 1943. He became a Private First Class in the 111th Infantry Regiment serving in the Western Pacific during World War II. One of the most familiar stories from his time overseas is how he ended up with a pet monkey that acted more like a watch dog than a banana eating, tree swinging chimp. He ended up receiving a Combat Infantry Badge, a WWII Victory Medal, a Theater Medal, and various others awards.


 In 2006, he was honored by the state of Pennsylvania for his service during World War II.  One of the last memories the family has before Leland went into the nursing home was his participation in the Memorial Day Parade where he proudly rode in a convertible as a WWII Veteran. It was that weekend that the family found out how impressive some of the metals Leland had received really were. The WWII museum provided him with a uniform to wear and was able to explain to the family the significance of Leland’s achievements.

Leland led a full life and enjoyed his 90th Birthday surrounded by his family a little over a month ago. On the evening of May 11th surrounded by many of his family members, Leland left this earth and came face to face with Jesus and this is the comfort we as a family find.

First of all...I promise to get back to the Made to Crave weekly blogs soon but life has caused some big interruptions. I am still trying to catch my breath from all that has gone on this last month.

Living in the Adirondacks, we often don't see spring until much later than those in the south. This year, we didn't have a spring. We had rain, flooding, and cold weather but not spring. Summer has come upon us all of the sudden. I am not sure when it happened but we are planting our garden and playing in the back yard already. Just like spring slipped by, I feel like May slipped by without even being aware of it.

Part of this was because of the unexpected cold virus that decided to invade our house for over two weeks. By the time it was done, we all had been hit with it to some degree. In the week after we were hit with Jack's head injury, the death of my grandfather, and Emma's heart procedure.

Jack's head wound was not tramatic for me but it was definitely an adventure. We were over at our neighbor's house where Jack was playing outside with their son, Theigen. I was working with Kandi in the kitchen getting dinner ready, when I heard Jack scream. Kandi's husband carried Jack inside, and I literally saw a hole in his head. He fell and hit his head on a rock that was sharp enough to create a puncture wound. I could see down to the bone and there was very little blood, which is unusual with a head wound. Needless to say, off to urgent care we went. He was a trooper and left covered in stickers and tattoos along with his bandaged head.

A few days later, I heard from Mom that Grandpa was not expected to make it through the night. He had been having quite a few close calls in the last few months and we knew it wouldn't be long. He was able to celebrate his 90th birthday with the family in March and so it was bittersweet news. He passed away about 15 minutes later.

We were thankful that he was not suffering any more, especially as his quality of life had definitely decreased, but it still is saying goodbye. The one comfort I found was in the fact that I know he is in heaven. The time with family celebrating my grandfather's life was precious but definitely very busy, as I helped with the Obiturary, Euology, and video slide show. I was honored to be able to share at the funeral and grateful to honor his service to our country and his heritage he left through our family.

Emma's procedure was two days after the funeral, so we had to travel back from Pennsylvania right after the funeral. Tuesday we headed out to Albany Med. at 6:30 am to prepare for the long day ahead. It was a few hours before she actually had the procedure done and we were at her beside. She was frustrated that she was unable to move but bounced back quickly and by the next day had decided that walking was much more fun than crawling.

Having the stress of waiting both for Grandpa to pass and for Emma's procedure to be done and over with has taken an emotional toll on me that I am not bouncing back from as quickly as I had hoped. It is also taking a toll on my diet...I am really having a hard time not just eating whatever. Actually, I feel as if right now I have no self control. I don't know how to change it right now and until I'm out of this funk I'm not sure I have the energy to try!

On a brighter note...my sister was on the local news for her ministry on Mercy Ships!! I am so proud of her!

We had another dermatologist appointment for Jack and I ended up taking him by myself (usually Kevin goes with me). The dermatologist is really nice and having boys himself is vey understanding of a parents questions and concern.

He was very pleased with Jack's hair regrowth but did give us some cream for the patches that were still bald. He also explained that the color of the hair comes back once it gets a little longer. It was then that he kindly shared that the hair loss could come back in five years or ten years - it's pretty unpredictable. He also told me of an organization that gives great information and support - naaf.org.

I guess up to that point in the back of my mind I was hoping this would be sort of a one time thing. Some fluke that would go away and we'd be passed it. But sitting in that office it hit me, "This is our new normal...it could be a lifetime thing". It's hit a little hard. Not the fact that I have to look at him that way, but the reality of helping him deal with all he will face socially. We have already had wonderful people politely asking if he's ok and they have been so kind. However, When he starts losing it again, how old will he be? How will he handle it? I know all the great answers to this but it's my Mommy's heart that hurts and fears. This is not the journey I would have chosen but it is the journey God has called us to.

I know that Jack is fearfully and wonderfully made by The Creator and he is beautiful both inside and out. My heart is now being drawn to learn about this disease and advocate for education about it so people understand what people with this disease face.

I am very thankful for the resources of the National Alopecia Areata Foundation and the support and information it offers. Check out their website at www.naaf.org and it will give you some great information about the disease.

This is a definition they give:

Alopecia areata is a common autoimmune skin disease resulting in the loss of hair on the scalp and elsewhere on the body. It usually starts with one or more small, round, smooth patches on the scalp and can progress to total scalp hair loss (alopecia totalis) or complete body hair loss (alopecia universalis).

Alopecia areata affects approximately two percent of the population overall, including more than 4.7 million people in the United States alone. This common skin disease is highly unpredictable and cyclical. Hair can grow back in or fall out again at any time, and the disease course is different for each person.

I wanted to take a few minutes to explain, in my layman's understanding, what Jack and Emma's heart "issue" is. Emma is scheduled to have her procedure May 17th and Jack was released as a patient with the Pediatric Cardiologist last year. I know that I lack a lot of the Medical terminology so this is a very basic and not by any means a complete explanation of the issue.

Jack and Emma were both diagnosed with what's called paten ductus arteriosis (PDA). Basically a small artery outside their heart (there to bypass the lungs while in the womb) did not close after birth like it should have. So, the Dr.'s have to do a catherization in order to put a stint in and close it up. Once the procedure is done they will check her occasionally to make sure it went well but the tissue will grow around it and it will not have to be done again. It is a outpatient procedure so it will only be a day.

This is not at all related to Jack's loss of hair. That is it's own separate issue that you can read about here:

http://paradoxicalpen.blogspot.com/2010/11/his-hair-loss-and-my-pride.html

Today we took our little girl back to the Pediatric Cardiologist. She was diagnosed with the same PDA, the same heart problem Jack had. Having gone through this once before makes it both easier and harder. We know what we are in for.

I have been wrestling with God about this for various reasons. It has been hard. She is my baby girl. But, in reaching out to some dear friends I was reminded of one very important point, God loves this little girl far more than I ever could. His hands are so much bigger than mine and he is holding her so carefully.

She is His...she is a gift to us from God and I try to remind myself of that. So, when the day in May comes where we watch her wheeled off down the hospital hall, I know He is holding her when I can't.

Due to the fact that I live in the mountains where no radio signal safely travels, podcasts and Pandora have become a great alternative. I have a few I faithfully listen to: The Relevant Magazine Podcast, Plugged In, and Focus on the Family.

On one of the Focus on the Family's broadcast I heard Lysa Turkhurst talking about her new book Made to Crave. I knew it spoke to the heart of my struggle with my walk with God. But, I was too afraid of what the cost was going to be and ignored the oppotunitites to connect through webcasts and the online community.

Then my husband picked up the book for me, remembering I had mentioned wanting it and saw a 21 day challenge I could be a part of. I knew I needed to stop thinking about it and start doing something.

But, to be honest I am afraid. I am afraid to change. I am afraid to fail. I am afraid I will go gung ho for awhile and then it will land on the top of the pile of books and exercise tapes that I have grown tired of. Most of all, I am afraid to admit I have a problem…but I need to.

I have a problem with food controling me. I have a problem with loving it more than God. I said it. Now, I pray I can continue, open up the book, and start this journey. Chocolate has been my comfort and sweets my satisfaction for too long.

I don't want to hit the Publish Post button...it will make it real...I will then be accountable. But if I don't do this, if I don't at least try, won't I regret it?