Pirates & Lullabies

This week ended the 4 year run of the modern series "This I believe" which aired on Sunday mornings on National Public Radio. Like many of you, I was fascinated by the reflective quality of the writings selected for the program. They were penned by ordinary people from all walks of life, writing clearly about the things in life the held on to as beliefs. It got me thinking about an essay I wrote a few months ago of a similar theme. I originally wrote my piece as a personal journal exercise as I tried to discover my foundations, make sense of my current midlife transition and the lessons 40 years have gathered. Here is a portion of what I wrote that day as my contribution to the "This I believe" series:

The opportunity to travel, has been a base from which I have formed many of my current beliefs. Roaming the world, its variety of cultures, the customs and habits of people with diverse values, has brought me to an awareness of the variation in our beliefs. I have gained an appreciation for what it takes from the personal spirit to solve basic yet complex questions of what we believe, in order to survive as unbroken.

I was fortunate to be born into a strongly middle class Ghanaian family that valued discovery, education and exploration. I was encouraged in my youth to wonder about and discover what was around the bend. At the age of 5, my mother placed me on an airplane to go from Accra to London for a school shopping trip. Upon arriving, I recall my wonderment at the different sounds of foreign voices I had never heard. The strongest impression I had on that first significant excursion was that my fears where separated from the uncertainty around me. I had a core sense that if I stayed determined, I would find my way through what I did not understand in that large airport to make my way towards my purpose. I recall the sense of certainty I got within myself as I focused on my mothers parting words to me, spoken in Twe and translated as “you are my greatest expectation”. Those words, drove me on. Her voice lent to me courage to focus on my path and to seek out my purpose for being so far away from home.

At the age of 11 y.o., I left home for good as the family struggled to fight against the military coups and political strife of that era in Ghana. I found my foundations jolted and tested. Overnight, my reality had been turned upside down. I ended up in America by my fathers efforts, living with strangers, akin to foster care. I became a servant boy, taking care of chores and the needs of the families I was placed with. All the while I searched inside for who I was and how I ended up so far away the life I new. I spent many years looking for a way to go back home. To go back to the life I had left behind, to the family that loved me, to the family I loved and laughed with.

As I settled into a reluctant life here in the United States late into my teenage years, I began to gain an awareness that it was truly too late to go back to my family. They had adjusted without me and moved on. This country would be my home. I somehow understood that I need to find a way to embrace the culture and manner of this great and diverse nation. I came to a realization then, that I would for the most part encounter Americans on their terms. In a manner of speaking, I will always be meeting others on their home turf. As that reality became part of my sense of the world, I became aware of the parts of me that I needed to maintain to survive in a fast moving complex world of interactions. Growing up alone, I took for granted those principles which had guided me out of Accra and into America.

I have traveled a great deal since then. I have made four major relocation's as well, each has brought a significant shift into a different phase of my life. Accepting these shifts have not been easy, yet they have shared consistent threads of my awareness of my core beliefs. The value of honesty and integrity in who I am, openness about my deeper purpose towards others, and a willingness to offer others a basic level of trust as a way of connecting our shared humanity.


In my travels and experiences encountering those who have not been so fortunate to have found a way to solve life's challenges, I realized the importance of knowing who you are at your core. Knowing what you believe in as a foundation of strength. Those core values have served me well. They have allowed me to discover within myself that I am not alone and that my journey, although without a family along the way to lean on, is not much different from what we all share.

It has been my experience that others, regardless of background respond to an honest expression of who you are. It becomes a base of finding out who they are. The people I have met in life thus far, tend for the most part to appreciate the open expression of ones purpose towards them. I have found that this has a way of drawing to you those that share a similar path and sending off those that don't share a path. I believe people, even the worst amongst us, respond well to being offered a clear level of basic trust when encountered. This core value of offering trust has protected me from harm in many dangerous places and in situations where focusing on my fears may have ended my life.

My sense of what I believe in is rooted simply in what feels comfortable to my being, what feels right when I spend time with a person, whether they are familiar to me or not. My beliefs are always guided by honesty, purpose and trust. My childhood instinct of determination grounds these beliefs in a base. Encountering others of varied cultures and customs through my travels have affirmed these ways to me. They may occasionally, require some variation in how they are expressed, yet these are my core foundations. I will venture to say they were in me at birth. Perhaps, someday soon, I will travel to a place where I will encounter my mother. I will ask her for myself if she saw these core beliefs in me in the years before I left home that fateful time.

Can one learn self-control obtain better life balance?


In conversations with individuals from different walks of life, I hear expressed a personal frustration from many with the inability to carry through the deeply held intentions of their core selves towards others. These core intentions for this essay are foundations such as listening, hearing, witnessing and seeing others with a minimum of our own inner bias or self-interruption. I acknowledge this is a complicated subject, rooted in the different psychological and sociological make up of each of us along with our unique circumstances. In short, everyone grows up differently. That said, in exploring some of these conversations, I have been pondering the role self-control plays in sabotaging our finest and best deserved lives.


As a comparison, I have been thinking about the people I meet in life who appear to have emotionally balanced lives and do well demonstrating their best interpersonal intentions towards others. What I have come to synthesis as the basic difference that seems to influence the path of the later group’s lives versus those of their counterparts, who are challenged appears to dwell in the concept of self-control.


Self-control is something we hear about often yet most of us take it for granted in how much it plays a roll in how we live our lives, emotional or logical. Personal patterns we demonstrate such as patience, consideration, and understanding expressed towards those we care about can be a challenge for many for different reasons rooted around the concept of self-control. Obtaining long-term goals for ourselves, growing our core self esteem, and the fundamental way in which we chose to live our daily lives are other things that are rooted in our individual self control. They all seem to have so much to do with our ability the quality of lives we live and yet how much focus do we place on developing our skills of self control as individuals, let alone as a society. We struggle with many things, yet I see few people working on self control as a root to many of the challenges of life.


I heard from a friend recently, of his struggles to truly hear his wife when she expressed deeply felt concerns about their relationship. He explained that he often felt defensive and vulnerable at the start of these talks with her first few statements of fact. Even though he new in his heart of hearts that what she was expressing was true, and he knew he wanted to witness fully what she was expressing as a way of validating her, his desire to defend himself overwhelmed his sense of give her the space to express herself. He went on to say he wish he wouldn’t do that, it gave her the impression that he was not on the same page, that they were different types of people. I asked him what about defending himself was that urgent that it could not wait for her to finish, knowing very well that I was guilty of that same misdeed with my dear one often. He gave a very simple and honest answer. He said “look at my life, I lack self control.”


This got me thinking about many aspects of our lives and the roll self-control plays. I thought about people with life long habits and patterns such as those with who succeed in school, those who achieve the highest levels of their lives pursuits, those with good solid families, friends and those with seemingly are organized in how they live their lives. What I came up with was that they all shared an ability to control their impulses at a level that smoothed out their inner process. It seemed that those that achieved success in areas of their lives had developed inner habits that helped them calm the inner urges to leap at a preserved situation that caused insecurity and often could disrupt a more appropriate inner process that served them well in the long run.


It also occurred to me that by our 30’s, most of us innately know the difference between what serves us well and what gets us into difficulty. Some of us struggle with our urges to hold back those impulses that sabotage our inner most held values and intentions towards others and we recognize this in small things we do. We often classify these things with terms and words like self-discipline, laziness, poor character, etc. I heard a speaker on interpersonal skills once say “if we keep doing what we are doing, we keep getting what we get”. This quote is something I have repeated many times to people in my life. I have not always been the best at taking that advise however.


How do we gain control of the self and do a better job of managing those predictable impulses? What is self-control anyway? Is it something we can learn with all other things being balanced? Are some of us destined to miss our fullest potential because we never learned self-control? That seems a high price to pay for life. Many of us do not consider self-control a prison of sorts we make for ourselves. Many of us think of our circumstances as the reason we do what we do. Perhaps they are all related, but as adults can we work on and improve our self control? Is it possible to isolate and improve the habits we evolved when we were younger to dealing with uncomfortable situations? Are some of us destined to put our heads in the sand when life’s heart felt situations call for having self-control?


I will like to offer a notion for thought in this modern world. We can learn self-control no matter what age, we have to come to a place of recognition where we begin that learning from where we are. Like learning to meditate, we must begin with something small like our breathing, we must learn to think of ourselves as worthy of the good rewards we often forgo when we sabotage our needs and those of our loved once through poor self control. Our intentions towards others are indeed our intentions for ourselves. The reflection of ourselves we see in the responses of others to our actions can be extremely painful when its not congruent with our core. Finding a way to hear ourselves inside can be a less threatening inner practiced path to heal and learn how to have better self-control.


I share with those I have spoken to over the years that difficult with self control. I can admit to having lost some of the best relationships in my life because I could not control my emotional impulses to defend what I heard as painful reflections of myself vastly different in my instant mind from what my core intentions were. I discovered along the way after a few lost relationships that I had never learned how to control my self. I discovered along the way that the root of many of my lives challenges were squarely placed in my self-control. Hearing this similar expression from others makes me realize the journey I am still on. We all struggle self-control and it is sad that we spend so little time improving this keep element to being happier people.

Spring is the air. April is upon us. The passing winter came and visited upon us many interesting experiences. Coming out of winter with a renewed sense of what is appreciated deeply, the people, the places and the situations, is good. We can encounter many circumstances that challenge us to seek balance and a steady way forward. Spring tends to be a good time for each of us to ask ourselves what serves us in our lives and what requires adjustment.

As we begin to tend our gardens from the difficult winters they have had. As we begin to stack the stone walls that fell over under the weight of the deep snow. Let us allow the sensibilities of this time to penetrate our better selves. Let us find what serves us well and know without doubt that it is for us. The garden seems a good place to do that, while weeding and planting, perhaps adding compost to the beds for the seedlings that will grow into the season.

We hopefully are open to those things that may seem a little awkward, but like weeks old kittens finding their legs; to see their play as part of their joy and realization they are alive, may require a different prospective. It seems okay to be excited by life's gifts as a young kitten in spring. Let us make small incursions into the rest of the garden, we will perhaps appreciate the garden more as Spring warms on.

It has been six weeks since I last updated this blog. My intention was never to be away for such n extended period of time. For those of you that read my January 29th post, you know that I featured my own life situation as an example of one of the many people who has been affected by the down turn in the economy. I was looking to write a piece on the experience of those in my McKinley Hill neighborhood who are suffering the effects of joblessness and losing there homes. It occurred to me that the the best piece I could write was the one I knew the most about, My own personal situation. Thus the post of that date was made and the difficulties following that post resulted in my six week absence.

I am happy to inform all of you who sent me so many kind and thoughtful emails expressing best wishes while I tried to find work to save my home, that I am on better ground. I am still in my home and although still recovering, the unexpected generosity of family members in England and Ghana and friends here in the Pacific northwest who helped connect me to part time work have helped me earn some income to bring me out of the uncomfortable. I am still looking for the market to improve and for my woodworking venture to become profitable, but I have managed to restructure my life over the last six weeks, catching up on bills to maintain the core and shell of my life and identity.

My focus this week, is to express deep gratitude for all of you who were thinking about me and for all who gave me information and ideas about how to get out of the situation I was in. Most of all I will like to thank my girlfriend Jill for the person she has been and the role she has played in my life over the last few months.

Jill showed me over the last 90 days what it is to be committed and loyal, while allowing me to never feel I was less than the man she met on November 22nd, 2008. She taught me many lessons about life and has been my steady guide and confidant through this transition I have come to embrace. She has allowed me to solve the challenges on my own and never thought to rescue me. She respected my need to maintain my dignity when unexpected circumstances presented themselves. She is there for every job interview with a phone call wishing me luck before hand and a phone call after to find out how it went.

Jill, had no reason to stand by my side, we only met just before Thanksgiving. She saw something in me that made her want to make me a part of her life. She saw my gifts and my talents and offered me hope that this too was a phase in life. We write each other old fashioned letters often, sometimes I recall the experiences of our grandparents during the depression of the 1930's. As a fellow creative soul and artist, she keeps tabs on our local Tacoma list serve (an arts daily email posting service of happenings) and has found many free events, talks, shows and entertainment for us to attend and appreciate some of lifes offerings. She has been wonderful in not putting pressure on me to take her out for dates or to buy her things like flowers I so much wanted to get for her to express my appreciation.

Jill's unwavering support, her unselfishness, the love and class that she has shown has solidified for me my sense of her and the love I feel for her grows everyday as we continue to witness each other and develop our relationship one day at a time. Never once did she allow me to doubt who I am. When I was at my lowest and in tears, my self-esteem none existent, she chose her words carefully during fights and arguments. I often say to friends, you never know who you have in your life until you go through something difficult with them. Well, I know the quality person I have in Jill. We still have some growing to do. We still need to make room for one another's voices as we continue to grow and discover each other away from from the struggles of the recession.

It is my turn to turn my attention to supporting her. I hope she will allow me to be there for here as she embarks on a life discovery of her own. She is very special to me and I hope she knows how much this man loves and respects her.

Some in the situation I have found myself in have not been as fortunate to have the support of someone like Jill. I have expressed my appreciation to her personally, yet I feel the need to publicly acknowledge the role a partner like Jill plays in the life of so many individuals facing the realities of this recession.

Next week, I will return to writing about the topics I observe around me that move me to comment.

This week, I have decided to make myself the subject of my own blog. My concern is joblessness. I am an example of the people I go out and meet and like to give voice to. I am one of the functioning poor. In my case, I have had time to accumulate a few assets, which I have sold or exhausted in the last few months to keep the mortgage paid and food on the table. I have discovered in these times what it is to slide slowly into poverty and be close to losing your modest home.

Mine is an immigrants story. I started with nothing worked hard to find something and as quickly I am losing it all. I have sold almost all I have including my car and my truck in order to pay a few months mortgage. My personal humility and awareness of the suffering around me keeps me grounded regardless of my situation. I still smile to everyone I see and I still never miss my Wednesday's volunteering to cook at the Rescue mission in town. I watch those in the kitchen with me and realize that they are worse of than I. At least I still have my home.

I have been amazed to see and hear from the mainstream media for months very little comparative voice given to the real issue of losing your home because you can't find a job to pay the mortgage. Not all defaulting home owners as an example bought too much house. Some, as myself, who worked for 22 years in the construction industry as a construction manager, have been out of work since Aug. 2008 with no real prospects of going back into building condos or anything else for a while.

As I look for any work (cooking, book stores, etc.), It is painful to hear those who just don't get it, or those who are settled in safe jobs, speculate on what is going on in America. Please don't get me wrong, this is not an angry rant. It is a thoughtful heart felt open question to are better selves across the board.

What happens when an otherwise responsible, capable and gifted person finds themselves in a failed industry with few good prospects of returning to that industry any time soon? If you are me, you look at your other interests and take what you can get to survive. Day laborer work, cleaning after storms, anything that pays. Pride does not enter into the picture. What I am able to make from odd jobs goes towards keeping the heat on in the house, the electricity on so I can stay looking for work on the computer, and keeping the internet access going one month to the next for the same reason.

Joblessness is painful indeed. The lose of dignity and the seemingly odd assessment of the national conversation on every issue but the real cause, confidence, destroys one's moral further. Perhaps I have been under a rock, but convincing an employer to give you a shot at working seems to be the new rage in my mid sized City.

The number of interviews I have gone on are too many to count here. Leaning back on my woodworking skills to build furniture and make a few dollars has met up against a lake of spending in the stores. Of the 14 pieces I built for the holidays, only 2 sold. Being a life long cook, I have applied at every restaurant in town that will look at me. i am not that bad looking either.

I hear encouragement from people who say to me...let them spend 15 minutes with you and they will want your kind of quality and dedication on there team...well, it has not happened yet. This week I experienced another such disappointment after 4 interviews and a neglectful "you are over qualified in past salary, and we want someone with more cooking experience on the line." Okay, I can take rejection of this type. But how do you make the case to a prospective employer about the hunger in your heart, the desire and shear effort you bring to even cleaning the toilets for a shot at moving up the ladder. Perhaps I could wash dishes for the next three months and see what you think. Can i volunteer with you and prove myself worthy of a paid job when one opens up?

I walk across a bridge that was built in Jan. 1942 when I leave my house each day to go look for work. In Feb. of that year President Roosevelt signed the order to intern Japanese Americans across the country. It occurred to me this morning as I was walking across that bridge, that the Japanese Americans who lived in the neighborhood back then had to come across that bridge. It also occurred to me that February is here and if i don't find a job, the Sheriffs Department will be sending me across that same bridge never to return to the first home I so proudly purchased some five years ago.

Maybe I will learn about what life was like in the Hooverville's of the depression era. Maybe I will find work enough to stay ahead of my mortgage company's demands. How ever it turns out, I came to this country with nothing but the cloths on my back in 1981. I will find a way as so many others are to make it until work comes available again. I know I am done with construction, but at 40 years of age, I have so much life experience and promise. Surely, I can find something to do, this is what I tell myself as I plan for the worst.

A few steps from my new Army soldier acquaintance was Mandy. Mandy looked about 17 and she was quick. I don't think it was the camera, but she seemed to walk ahead of me with a slow provocative walk and a turn just as I reached a few feet from her. How the heck did she know where i was in proximity to her turn...That was a good trick. Anyway, she asked me if i wanted some company, i asked her for what (I suspected she was hooking), "for a date" she said "I've been trying to get a place to stay out of this weather or make enough money to get a place for Christmas." I asked here where she was from and she played it off and changed the subject, choosing instead to flirt and see if she could get me teased into opening my wallet. I did get out of her that she was from the Midwest, she had left home because it was "lame back there". She was underage, but she never said how old. Feeling a little nervous by then (guilt by association and all), I said my good byes and moved on down the road on Commerce. I did think as i walked away how sad it was that this young woman had a family back somewhere and yet circumstances had come to pass that she was walking the streets of Tacoma. WA willing to sell her body for cash or a place to stay for the next few days.

I use to see this stuff when i lived in Los Angeles, CA. I left LA because it was way too much of that type of stuff. I hope we don't forget our young as we see our way through these troubled financial times. The Mandy's of the world will become tomorrows law enforcement customers and the tip of the spear of the next crime wave if we don't pay attention.

My next encounter a few blocks down was not a homeless guy, but it was Private Gibson. Fresh off the boat from Iraq. He was catching the greyhound bus to head up to visit the girlfriend and family he left behind for the Holidays. I took a picture of this stocky Normal Rockwell looking GI from across the street. I was thinking as I took the picture that he reminded me on Pat Tilman in his build, with a shy boyish grin as he noticed me photographing him. I figured it was his first tour and his first homecoming, that smile was the kind of first timers nervous smile I would have if I was just getting of a transport and someone I did not know was taking my picture. I call it that sense of pride and glory every young man gets the first time he accomplishes something he knows and you know is note worthy.

I went across the street to saw hello and welcome home as i watched him nervously adjusted his very heavy looking gear bag. He was a good kid, you could tell by his personal style. He had done his country proud and he deserved a random handshake and a Merry Christmas. Welcome Home Pvt. Gibson, good luck to you and all your fellow soldiers in this new year. Thanks for holding down the fort.