Subconsciously

I woke up- somewhat

Surrounded by pieces I’ve become

Lost and in a state of confusion

All I know now is you’re gone

That’s more than I’m thinking

Part of me feels like a shadow

Part of me doesn’t feel at all

Even if I talk out loud to you

Is it just more pretense delaying the hurt?

Pain, I really don’t want to know at all

Life became a puzzle I don’t wanna solve

Just the thought of starting over- hurts

I’m here, lost between what was

And broken promise… tomorrow’s

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Retained

I refuse to move on and forget

Simply because it still hurts

Losing someone close will

And maybe my whole lifetime

I don’t run away from the pain

Or the silence I overhear now

It is what it is, I’ll accept that

Or at least truth of circumstance

I don’t bother to call anyone anymore

I’ll write it down so I can get it out

I leave them alone, they leave me alone

Just how these things broke down

But I’ll never let go just to forget

My love for you remains… kept

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Nevertheless

I feel more like rough-faced stone

Scars left behind by my old love

On my mind and carved on my soul

In darker hours, as I feel so cold

Hiding behind these walls of mine

When there’s no sign of any light

Those I love let me feel disgraced

Abandoned- like a forgotten prisoner

Whose number replaced his name

Sentenced for the balance of my life

I still feel urged to forgive them

And I admit, it’s an added burden

That I chose to carry alone if I must

And these shadows weigh the most

But so does…the total cost of love

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Somewhere

You have slipped beneath the surface of life

I hear crashing waves of oceans and silence

As I stand here alone with an extra shadow

Too intangible to embrace or to learn from

I can’t explain this to others nor even myself

I’m forced into a reality that I’ve not sought

A cold crudeness no one alive really desires

I’m on this cluttered shore with past aspects

Liken empty seashells hastily strewn about

My obvious footprints have all been erased

By waves or ripples, time, or granular grains

I often want to question the insanity of it all

And I’m fully aware that I’ll not comprehend

But still, I’m here to live out…my subsistence

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Unaccustomed

I miss you in ways I never thought I could

I relive aspects from your childhood

Looking for a moment, I might’ve missed

That I might’ve saved from all this

But nothing ever comes to mind

And I admit at times I rebreak inside

Tears leak out like the river flows

They’re the only thing I can just let go

I never expected to live life without you

I still don’t if subsistence doesn’t count

And once again, in truth, I must admit

Living life overshadowed has its difficulties

But you’re still worth every effort spent

Things done for love… defy comprehension

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Indifference

We’ve become like ghostly shadows

Of a love existence that we once lived

When two lives amalgamated as one

It was the realest thing we’ve known

Echoed in our hearts and warm breaths

Fidelity won’t release our dutiful sense

We keep showing up- albeit intangibly

To find no former or a welcoming party

Too early or late: toying our imagination

We drift aimlessly like an unmoored boat

Lost and confused, but mostly unnoticed

People briefly glance but pay no attention

We are tossed aside like outdated fashion

Struggling to blend into…living existence

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Tendered

You’re too young to understand love

You’re still conflating lust and want

Misbelieving they’re magical answers

They’re brief satisfaction to addiction

When truth is you’re afraid to be alone

And make friends with your inner self

As if avoidance was an art to excel at

I had too many lessons to play games

I’ll only risk my heart for keeping sake

Disciplined on the straight and narrow

Back in the day, I’d have fallen for you

You’d have left me by morning as a fool

Knowing inside, I was the real imposter

Who’d only enjoyed the newness…once

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Lit

At times, I feel integrated

To the wild forest and oceans

Or shells abandoned on shores

Only to empathize with sand

Filtering out life’s destruction

And then giving everything back

For some, it’s an insanity model

For others, it seems more apropos

Once an abstraction lens is worn

But far too many are too myopic

Stepping back signifies a weakness

And standing too close is obtrusive

Being self-aware is a learned trait

Mistakes and time might… teach

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Afar

Stranger trails are left so empty

Rabbit holes keep calling to me

But I have some better things to do

Then play mind games meant to lose

Just need to tread each day through

In hopes the questions do their thing

I know pain like skin knows its scars

I know tears like breakage of my heart

I hold answers that I’ve never sought

And I die each day seeking a path of life

Crunch of leaves tells me winter visits soon

Oddly, I never felt the last one move on

I traverse a landscape that feels so foreign

While looking familiar… but imperfect

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Opened

I’ve broken through the shell of self

To eradicate all the hidden poison

At times, it’s painful but necessary

If I truly seek happier days ahead

There is as much to lose as to regain

But the cost is really in time itself

That and in one’s authentic efforts

The horizon is a tangible site to set

To serve as inspiration and a reminder

Every step forward is out of my past

Freer to wander in one’s own journey

In the same fashion as seeds of flowers

More beautiful than wild verdant weeds

That chokes life out of… environments

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