So I think it is about time to get this blog going again since it has been a very long time since I have. Very soon you will see a lot more updates on the kids and such. Stay tuned

Yesterday would have been Sharla and I's 8 year wedding anniversary. The kids and I spent the day at the cemetery and I brought my camcorder. This is what I captured. I hope you enjoy.

Sharla was a woman of integrity, she was a woman of Love. Everyday I know that she is by me and the kids and she brings comfort to me that everything is going to be ok. As the years pass and I start to heal, I will be able to think of my dear late wife without having to shed a tear.

I now have a beautiful girlfriend by the name of Kristy and she has made me smile everyday. I look forward to spending my life with her and having Sharla continue to always be a part of our life. We push forward, we endure, we succeed, we live in happiness

Babe, that word had become so familiar to me over the years. That is how you always refered to me, "Babe" I hadnt ever used that word or had anyone every used it towards me until I met you. I sat back in my chair this evening just reflecting. Fro the moment when I first laid eyes on you and wanted nothing more than to just talk to you. In those precious moments leading up to getting the courage to approach you I must have planned what my first words to you would be a thousand times. Quickly trying to find the words and the correct order to put them in so that I may be able to catch your attention just long enough to get you to notice me. You were so beautiful and were surrounded by a sea of single men. How would I or could I ever stand a chance. Fate. Fate is what sealed us, fate is what brought us together. Even though that day I never got a chance to say a single word to you, I knew that there would come my time to get my chance. My chance to break that ice. That day finally came when you called a friend claiming that your tire had gone flat and needed help. I knew it was my chance to shine and I put forth everything I had and that day know that I won you over. Then came the day when I was going to have you forever. The day we called our Wedding day. It was the day that I shedded tears even before that door opened to have you walk down the isle. I could picture your beauty reflecting endlessly behind that door. I pictured what you would look like once that door opened. I could not control my tears of happiness. The day I could only play in my head was now about to become a reality. I had written a letter to you, my future wife years before explaining the dedication I would give, the love that you would own. All of me would be yours. It was to be to my future wife, to you. It proclaimed my testimony to you in the love I had for God and how eternally grateful I was that he made you. His best creation. That fact that I was overjoyed that he had created a plan so that you and I would not have to seperate after death. That our journey together would never end. That letter was written in pen because I knew that I would never have to erase what was written or replace my words because they were true and were eternal. They were my covenant to you my love.

The years came and went and we brought forth five pieces of you and I conjoined together. They were a perfect representation of us. The life on Natalie, Delaney, Kherrington, Daxton,and Parker had been set forth in motion. It was always the plan and I know each one of these children set awaiting the day we would give them life. They watched all of of memories happen. They were envious of the love we shared for each other and I know that they told each other that they one day would share that same love with someone. All the memories that sit in my mind, they too got to witness it. I just know it. They got to see the happy moments, like when you got to see your best friend bring forth their little miracle. How you so badly wanted that for her, and it happened. The happy moments of the two of us dancing with each other. Goofing off, laughing uncontrollably. When you mastered the art of couponing and brought home many treasures that cost barely anything. They got to see when you started learning how to really cook and create such wonderful meals. The countless hours the two of us would sit at your computer playing "Family Feud." The happy moments of setting up the christmas tree every year together. Trying to turn halloween into a cute holiday, rather than a scary one. How you would repeatidly say, "The first time any of our kids dress up as something innappropriate or scary, there will be no more halloween in our house." I knew you meant it too.

With the good moments also came the bad moments. Like when I lost my job and was unemployed for 7 months. The many scary times of not knowing how we were going to survive financially. The hard moments of when we had to leave everything we knew to move to another state for a job that wasnt set in stone and the moment we moved up there was told there was no longer any more work. There were the difficult moments of almost losing you after the birth of two of our children. There were oh so many memories that I know our children got to witness. But the most difficult one they would have to carry with them was knowing that they would lose their mommy very quickly. That as the years passed on, the memories would be very difficult for them to remember. They would have to carry the thought, "I wish I could of had my mommy here while I grew up" with them as the years passed on. The things that only you could teach to them would have to wait....or would it?

I feel a feeling in my heart. I have a feeling that even before this life, you sat each one of them down as spirits and told them a story. You told them of a very beautiful woman. One who would have to leave this world before most would think her time was up. She in a way knew her time was short. So she must do things a little quicker than most would think was normal. The frequency of bringing the total amount of children to this world that had been planned would have to have haste. Seven years to bring five seemed impossible. But she had the faith it could be done. In that time she would have to give them a special part of her spirit. One that through the years they would feel deep down in their chest when trying to make the right decisions. In her short time she would have to teach love to them in a way that would never be forgotten and no matter how many peoples lives they would cross, there would always be enough to pass on. She would give them hope, patience, faith, love, kindness, strength, humility, time for healing. So much to do in such a short amount of time. Then you would tell each one of them that there was still much more to do that she would not have time for. But that God had given this woman special premission to be there for each one of these little ones in the most time of need. That she would lead and guide them through the perils of life. That righteous decisions would be put in their minds through the loving spiritual touch of this woman. The voice that they would hear when these little ones needed to be lifted up would be hers. She would gift each one of these children to not remember her death but the way she loved them and the promise of undoubtibly being together again once more. Time would seem like an easier challenge and their biggest gift that would be given unto them was to be a comforter. When these childrem would ask you who they would need to comfort, you would tell them that there was a very special man. One in which they would call Daddy, who would need each one of their love to help heal them. With all of their combined love, it would be infectious in such a way that it would wipe away all despair. But it would be temporary because he would fall on his knees many times. Even in his moments of strength, would weakness find its way into his heart. It would be these children who would have to care for Daddy while Mommy was away. They each would have to deliver her messages to him to put light into his eyes again. To give him enough push to see the eternal perspective rather than the crushing moments without her. It would be their jobs to teach him. To teach him HOPE, hope of being with her again. To teach him PATIENCE, patience for the day to come when he could be with her again. To teach him FAITH, faith that all of this was for a reason. To teach him LOVE, that even though it would bedifficult, that he would have to love again one day and it would mean no disrespect to mommy. To teach him KINDNESS, kindness towards his children so that one day they may be able to exemplify that same love towards their children. To teach him STRENGTH, that the years will without a doubt have some extreme challenges, but the reward outweighs all of it. To teach him HUMILITY, that even though he will have moments of weakness, that he must never forget that his savior paid the ultimate price for him and never forget that. Finally to teach him about TIME, that time may seem to stop, and time at first seemed like the enemy. But to learn to use time as a good thing. To see it as something that will be a partner in his life. It teaches one to heal. It teaches one to remember. It teaches one to learn from it. It teaches that one day it will be infinate when in the arms of Mommy again once more.

I know this story you told each one of our little ones before this life. You prepared them in such a way that even now they have taught me so much. When I fall to my knees, there is Delaney by my side saying, "Do you miss Mommy? She loves you so much. Let me give you a kiss and a hug." There are times I am driving in the car mute. Just thinking about you and wishing you were close by and Natalie will say out of nowhere, "Mommy is in the car with us right now. She is sitting right next to you." There will be times where I am focused on the computer, not giving my time to our children and Kherrington will come in and want to talk to me and I will tell her that I will talk to her in just a bit. Then she says in the cutest voice, "But daddy, I want to snuggle you." I cannot resist this and it shows me that no matter what I am doing it does not matter because nothing is more important than the time I give to them. They are my teachers and I am their student. Thank you for preparing them. Thank you for giving them all the tools they would need to help me survive. I have not yet reached the place I need to be and know I will have days where I just want to give up. But you wont let me. You will never stop fighting for me and neither will I.

Looking back to the day when I said "I do" I knew that we were something great together and our posterity would do great things. I always felt like I was important for something great. In the beginning I thought it was something materialistic. But I was wrong. I was meant for something great. I was meant to be yours. To be you eternal mate. I was you hero and also the kids hero. That is what I was meant for. That is all I need. Knowing this, brings me completion. It fills my cup completely. You are my hero Sharla. I give you all of me.



I feel something great about to come from me very soon. I have been having this feeling deep within me that is starting to burn. It feels like words that are going to come forth from me that are going to help many people in the future. I have been talking about writing a book for awhile now and though in the beginning the words started to flow from my mind effortlessly. But then something happened. It was as if I had such a hard time writing. It all just stopped like a dam clogging the river of my thoughts. I felt a bit disappointed because I knew what I had already writted was inspirational and now my talent had flown the coup. I actually remember laying in my bed in the dark staring up at the ceiling wondering if I was ever again going to be able express my feelings, thoughts and desires for the future. But now here I sit and feel this burning within my verbal soul preparing to emerge like a wildfire. There have been a few books that I have been reading about people who have lost a loved one. One book in perticular called "To Heaven and Back" had a woman who ended up losing her son. She said that she had had a desire to write a book for awhile, but it just didn't happen and then one night the desire and will just came to her. She sat down and started writting and just couldn't stop. Her book was written in no time at all and has become a national bestseller. I do not desire wealth or anything of that sorts. My desire is to prepare those who will suffer the tragedy that I have, to encourage those going through it, and heal those who have lost all will. I understand now that God's plan is amazing and every single person on this planet has a very specific job. Some seem large, some seem small. But they all have one very important thing in common. Every single one is just as imporatant as the others. Each plays a vital role on this planet and in the after life. When I think about this, my writtings just keep coming back to mind. I see myself being able to paint imagery to help those understand what this feeling is. I am here to not only survive but help those who are in their personal sinking ships to find safety on the land of hope.
I am reminded of a story of an island filled with people known as emotions. Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left. Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't.. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you." Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered. Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh...Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!" Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!
Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder her name. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her way. Love, realizing how much he owed the elder, asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?" "It was Time," Knowledge answered. "Time?" asked Love, "But why did Time help me?" Knowledge smiled with deep Wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."
The reason I tell this story because if I have learned anything from the wisdom of others who have traveled the same path as me is that in fact time does heal and Love will live again. I can tell someone very easily that time will heal and they will feel better and that is just fine. But sometimes that futuristic thought is a temporary bandaid to a never stopping bleed. It constantly has to be replaced by others giving their condolances and well blessings for the future. But I have discovered that if someone who has experianced it, can explain to the sufferer that they understand their pain by painting an exact replica of that internal misery outloud. Then they can look at that person and see the survivor and know that it is truly factual that time does cure pains. There will always be scars, but the bleeding pain will have stopped. There is a huge difference between pain and depression. Depression can engulf someone. Depression can take over you life. It can run your thoughts, you actions. It destroys hope. If your future were on a reel of film. It cuts it in half, showing you or at least convincing you there is no future. Words from loved ones are not heard the way they were meant to be delivered. Death of a loved one can bring depression. I have been fortunate to have not hit that wall. I have come close so many times. I walked on the edge of a cliff that constantly had ground that broke free beneath my feet. On many occations I almost feel into that endless abyss of misery. But I knew if I did, I would never again find happiness, I would never find the one who all this is for, my Wife. You Sharla! Standing in front of you lies our beautiful children. You are my spiritual strength. They are my Physical strength. That is why I push. That is why I am prepared to kick depressions butt and help any of my Brothers or Sisters out there do the same. How great is my joy if I can help but one person, even greater is my joy if I help many. I love everyone. Whoever they are, they are my Brother or my Sister. They all matter. You taught me that.

Please check out this video that I made last week. I promise it will be worth the watch. But you might want to grab the tissues. Click the link below

http://youtu.be/ZciXu7WXbvo








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