We had Chinese take-out for dinner tonight. This is what my fortune said.



Anyone who knows me knows I'm all about signs. I should start keeping track of the little things that happen going into this cycle.

How exactly do you get on a mailing list?

This is what I got in the mail today.

Great. A little bedrest reading material? I haven't shopped at BRU since about this time last year before I went to a baby shower in September. And, the mailing address had my maiden name on it. If I shopped with a credit card, it didn't have my maiden name on it.

I haven't ever been pregnant long enough to actually register myself on any websites so they couldn't have gotten my name/address that way.

How funny that this would arrive the day after our consult for IVF #2 when I'm feeling really good about the possible outcome. Might I add, this is the first time I've ever gotten one of these.

May as well look through it since it's here. What harm is there in that?!

Today was our follow-up appointment with the RE. Not only did we get a new protocol for this next cycle, we were definitely dealt a Wild Card in the Infertility Game.

For months now my baseline day 3 FSH has been well below the level where it would be any concern. Has it been trending higher? Maybe. Numbers I have heard over the course of my treatment have included 6.8, 8.9 and 9.3. Well, this cycle, I pull a 14.3!?! What? That's crazy right? Yes. It is, but having that number documented, puts me into a new category.

I'm almost 35, you can't treat me like I'm 25. This number is proof of that! Even if I get retested and it's lower, I pulled this number "one time" and we'll have to treat me as such.

Should I be devastated by this news? Are my ovaries just too old to do this? I don't know. What I do know is that it shakes up our protocol going into this cycle. This comes as a huge relief to me. Not only are we increasing my dosage of meds, we are doing something completely different.


Welcome to the Microdose Lupron Flare Protocol. Lupron increases from 20iu once a day to 20iu twice a day and on the third day, we add in stims. The difference here is that it had been 20iu of Lupron for 12 days, and then start stims on day 13. Also, we'll be removing Menopur from the mix all together and doing a total of 450iu Follistim for at least the first 5 days, and then going back in for blood work and ultrasound to determine how to proceed.

So, in essence, we aren't completely shutting down the ovaries (or suppressing them) and then turning around and expecting them to kick it into high gear and kick out the follicles.

By going this route, everything shifts up a week. Can't complain there! Instead of yet another delay, we get to move ahead quicker.

We also asked about 3-day vs 5-day transfers. While ideally they'd like to see us get to day 5 blast transfer again, but if things aren't looking as good as they maybe could, we definitely have the option of a 3-day transfer with assisted hatching.

As for why our cycle failed, there really is no simple answer to that. So, we'll take the new information we've been given and go with it. I'm excited to be trying something new. More than just adding in higher doses of meds. Something truly different than we did before.

My renewed Hope remains!

As we start this new cycle, I want to flood myself with positive thoughts. Sticking with our Hope theme, here are some inspirational quotes to reflect on over the next few weeks.

When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."~Author Unknown

Hope is the only bee that makes honey without flowers. ~Robert Ingersoll

Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark. ~George Iles

Once you choose hope, anything's possible. ~Christopher Reeve

Hope is some extraordinary spiritual grace that God gives us to control our fears, not to oust them. ~Vincent McNabb

Love floods us with hope. ~Jareb Teague

There is nothing so well known as that we should not expect something for nothing - but we all do and call it Hope. ~Edgar Howe

You've gotta have hope. Without hope life is meaningless. Without hope life is meaning less and less. ~Author Unknown

Hope is putting faith to work when doubting would be easier. ~Author Unknown

Hope is but the dream of those who wake. ~Matthew Prior

Hope never abandons you, you abandon it. ~George Weinberg

Hope is patience with the lamp lit. ~Tertullian

Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence. ~Lin Yutang

So many really good ways to think about Hope and what it means to different people. I already have a couple of favorites.

Next week we have our Post IVF follow-up conference with our doctor. This is also lovingly known as the “WTF Appointment” by the girls on the Nest. As in what went wrong with our IVF cycle, and what are we going to do differently this time around?

Recently there has been a surge of positive outcomes for 2nd IVFs after horrible first rounds. These stories are making me feel like maybe we too have a chance. That we’ll get more than 7 follicles, 4 mature eggs, 3 that fertilize and only 1 to transfer.

So, next week it is. We’ll be back in the office signing consent forms and getting the details of our protocol so we can order my meds and get the show on the road.

The only thing I found out ahead of time is that we are starting out by nearly doubling my medications. Makes sense to me. Not to beat a dead horse, but for IVF #1, my Menopur dose was cut in half from what I had been taking for my IUI cycles. As for the Follistim, I was on a higher dose, but going forward, it’ll be even higher.

Hope remains that I will become one of the turnaround success stories and people will be looking to see what I did differently for my successful cycle.

We’ve got our 4th anniversary and both of our birthdays coming up in the next two months. There is no possible gift better than that of a BFP and that is what we are hoping for.

*If you have been through this yourself, and have any suggestions for questions we should ask or things that we definitely should bring up, I'd appreciate hearing from you.

I wasn't even going to say anything today, but when I looked out our kitchen window and saw a butterfly fluttering around, I knew I had to say something to acknowledge the day.

As many of you know, butterflies are often used as a fertility symbol. A symbol of the soul. Today of all days, I see a butterfly when I look out the window. Today. August 11, 2008, the date on the calendar that represents the estimated due date of our second angel.

"The metamorphosis of the butterfly is a powerful symbol in so many ways for us when we are grieving. They are the beautiful tiny spark of life that came to us, lighted in our lives for a too brief moment before fluttering away. They are the hope that the transformation that loss brings into our life, can result in something different, something beautiful. We may not be the same at the end of our journey, but we have grown, we are able to see things that we could not before. They are the hope that we may swallow that butterfly soul searching for us, and hold a baby in our bodies and in our arms once more."

Call me crazy, but I'm all about signs. I'll take seeing the butterfly today as some sort of sign sent just for me.

It's been over a week since we got the devastating news of our IVF failure. The first couple of days were pretty rough for both of us. As the weekend came to a close, I was starting to feel a lot better. (Not that reading emails or trying to write this doesn't still bring the flood of emotions right back to the forefront.)

We talked a bit, worked out a few details, and were able to get scheduled to cycle again right away.

For my own sanity, I am thinking of taking this cycle "offline" and not really blog about things as we progress. Well, at least not publishing the posts. While the support can be utterly amazing, it also feels like it adds so much additional pressure to perform! It was really hard to come back and report the not so good updates.

We all know "it only takes one", but when you have put your whole heart and soul into the cycle, it really hurt to only be left with that one little teeny tiny poppy seed of a chance.

Thanks to everyone for your continued support. I'm sure you can understand how this can be a difficult position to be in. My email is posted if anyone would like to stay in touch while I take some time away from the blog.

Today was the first day in three years that we went for a bike ride. Long story, don't ask. We live near an awesome paved trial system and everything, but just haven't gone for a ride in 3 years.

It's been so long since we rode that both of our CatEye bike computers were dead. We have no idea how long we were gone or how far we went, but I think it was a little over 30 minutes.

Also showing how long it's been since our bikes have been out, Shanu's bike decided to leave him with only a single gear. Luckily it was a mid-gear, but not so fun for inclines.

And, tonight, I took a bath. It has been so long since I took a relaxing bath. Last Christmas I participated in a Secret Santa exchange and got my person a couple of bath bombs from Blissful Bath. It's a cute little shop in the area about 30 miles from our house. Being I don't get to that part of town all that often, I got a couple of bombs for myself. Tonight was the first time I've used them since December. How pathetic is that!

So tonight, I was feeling the burn of a much overdue bike ride and relaxed in a far too hot tub of water! It was heavenly!

Tomorrow we may go for another ride and if we do, we'll be armed with new batteries in our CatEyes. Not sure if Shanu will have a chance to look at his gearing, but at least we are making an effort to get out again.