Our quest for human puppies

For not posting anything about my IVF attempt. Part of it was I was too scared to say anything since I really cannot figure out how to make this blog private and the other part is that my iPad software is not blogger friendly.

Here I sit, 6 days after egg retreival, and I have lost my optimism and positive attitude I am known for. We got 13 eggs, 10 were supposedly mature and 7 fertilized. We then found out 4 arrested, 1 was flagging and the other 2 were "lovely". I was so devastated that 4 had stopped growing (hence "supposedly" mature). I was so over the moon about having 7 embryos! I thought we could have our whole family from those 7. I thought maybe one or two wouldn't make it to freeze, but now it looks as if we will have none. And that means if this doesn't work, it's a fresh cycle all over again. I just don't know about that. The lovelies were transferred back to my perfect uterus with it's perfect lining. Dr. McLaren said they were wonderful embryos and the transfer went smoothly. So why am I sick to my stomach thinking this is never going to work? Why can't I get that feeling back I had 2 weeks ago where I was stressfree and wasn't worried about this not working?? I mean I am having to talk myself out of vomiting on an hourly basis. I have to take a deep breath and state that I have made it to day 6 and tomorrow will be day 7, and so on and so forth. Where is the window to the inside of my uterus so I can keep an eye on these guys? I love them so much already and I can't stand the idea of them not finding my uterus a wonderful place to live in for 9 months. Pete plays the Alabama fight song to my uterus every morning. It's awfully cute :) I hope that's energizing them to stick around.

So the IVF cycle has officially started! It actually started a few weeks ago but the first med I was injecting, called Lupron, had me knocked flat on my ass for the first 2 weeks. I could handle the constant, daily headache, but the fatigue was not sympatico with my normal, everyday life. I was emotionally crazy, too. And that was the part Pete hated! Now that I have started stims and have some estrogen back in my system, things are better. I am on day 6 of stims and my 2nd monitoring appt is tomorrow. I feel like a big, bloated Easter bunny! I feel like I am even walking funny. I am so hoping that they will tell me I can trigger soon and get these eggs out of me. My Mom is coming up for the whole shabang and I am hoping I feel well enough for the stuff we have planned. It's nothing major, but some painting and of course, a pedicure. I have lots of people rooting for us, which is nice. I have remained relatively stress free and haven't worried about it "not working".
Oh yeah, and I kinda changed jobs a few weeks ago too. Good timing? Probably not. But it has really turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I told my new peeps all about the IVF in the interview and they were totally supportive. I love working with women again! It's a perfect job for when my babies come. I get off when I am done with my work, which is usually around 2:00. Grent bennefits too. So it really has turned out to be a great thing.
Here we go! I will try to update as I can!

I am incredibly boring right now. I want some action! I feel like IVF is forever away. I sooo long to be pregnant and it seems like it's so far away. I'll have these moments where I feel that I'll be one of those that goes on for years without having a baby. I don't know why I feel that way. It's a feeling of complete unattainability (is that a word??). I had that feeling yesterday while driving home from work. Maybe because everything is so grey and cold and barren looking? I think about actually being hugely pregnant and I just can't visualize it. I feel like that is something that is not meant for me. I had a dream last night about the IVF working but then I went on to have a miscarriage. And that's another thing. Once I get pregnant (if it happens) how will I keep from constantly wondering and worrying about the baby? Is that the introduction to parenthood?
My Dad once told me that he was never truly happy once he had kids. He didn't want me to take it the way I did (umm...what kid would take that as anything but rude and insulting???). He tried to explain that once you have kids, you are always worried about them and that prevents true happiness. My mother, of course, laughed at the ridiculousness of his statement and claimed it to be untrue (God love her).
My grandfather always said to never wish your life away, but I would gladly speed ahead by 30 days or so. Sorry, grandpa.

Sort of. We had our IVF consultation yesterday and they gave us some tenative dates. I'll stay on bcp for now and then start the shots around March 4th. I'll have 1 sometimes 2 shots everyday for almost a month! Holy crap that's a lot! Good thing I'm not afraid of needles and Pete is really good at giving shots. They also detailed the sedation I'll get for the egg retreival. Sounds like some good stuff! Plus I think I get some xanax for beforehand. This might not turn out to be so bad afterall :)
March seems like a light year away right now. I am trying to take this time for myself. I am trying to lose some lbs, find some hobbies, do some not too distant traveling and relax. I feel some depression creeping in and I am trying to shoo it away. The weather is so dreary and that's not helping things. I busied myself yesterday by calling fertility pharmacies to price the meds. I think we're going to be able to get a good deal on some of them and one is even covered by insurance. Woo hoo! Thanks VIVA for paying for at least something. So know we wait......

For 2 of my fertility friends. They both thought they had babies on the way. Turns out that's not the plan. I am devestated for them. I am scared for myself. I am mad at how cruel life can be. How could this happen? I know life isn't always fair but this is down right mean. Shame on you, life.