The Raich's Big Adventure

We have got milestones going on like crazy here. Not so little Mr. Jonah has two new teeth on the bottom and two just about to pop through on the top. His sweet gummy smile is quickly turning into a toothy grin and I love it!! It is just like I remember with Mia. I was so sad at the thought of the gummy smile going away, but once those teethers popped through I fell totally in love with the toothy grin. And Mr. Jonah is quite a little smiler! He is just happy as a clam (when his teeth aren't making him a total cranky pants), and he just grins and grins and grins.

Also new on the horizon for Jonah is crawling. That's right, baby Jonah is on the verge of becoming mobile Jonah. He is up on his hands and knees rocking away trying to figure out how to get himself moving forward. Currently he does a lot of nose dives, but any day now those little arms and legs are going to get it figured out and then we are all in trouble. He has been scoping out the house for weeks and I just know he has a plan of attack all worked out in his head--"first I am going to open up that drawer...then I am going to knock over that stack of books...then I am going to hit the refridgerator..." Yes, Jonah crawling is a bit of a scary thought. We seriously need to make a trip to Target for those horrible little drawer locks that always seem to keep adults out better than the kids.

Another milestone occurred tonight as Jonah took his first bath in the big tub AND he took it along side of big sister Mia! I don't know who had more fun--Mia or Jonah. Mia has been wanting to take a bath with Jonah from the day we brought him home from the hospital. Finally, 7 1/2 months later she is getting her wish. I am pretty sure she just wants to use him as a big bath toy...

Anyway, here are some photos of my ever so big little ones.

Well, it has been a busy week. My parents came back into town for the winter--THANK GOD! They are truly my saviors when it comes to childcare support. I seriously don't know how we managed all those years living so far apart. Grammy and Grampy totally rock, and Mia is absolutely thrilled to have them around full time again. Jonah seems quite happy too, and spent most of Thanksgiving day snuggled up in Grammy's arms. Yes--Thanksgiving has come and gone. I can hardly believe it. Jonah is 7 months old, and this is our third Thanksgiving since moving back to the US. Time just flies!

A terrible plague has befallen the House of Raich. It is not, thankfully, the dreaded H1N1 (or as Mia calls it, the "H111"...or as Jeff and I lovingly refer to it, the "Hone-None" [pronounced Ho-nee No-nee]. It is also not the much talked about seasonal flu. Rather, it is the less fashionable, but equally horrendous stomach flu--or as Mia's doctor has informed us, is not properly name the flu at all, but is actually named "Viral Gastroenteritis." I personally think it should be named "Death by Vomiting", but that is just my opinion.

As you may well know, my 36th birthday occurred this week on Monday. In honor of my birthday I created my 101 things to do in 1001 days list. This is part of the Day Zero project. The idea is to make a list of 101 tasks to complete in 1001 days. Here are my 101. Items that are crossed off are done. Items that are in color are in progress...

This ode was written by a friend of Andrea's at the school of nursing. She wrote it for us before Jonah was born and before we had decided/told anyone his name.

Ode to the pressure
You have to pick a name,
One that lasts forever . . .
You hope to do it right,
With regrets coming never.

So use this teeny weeny guide
To help you make
A decision of a lifetime
And one that will take
Your son forward . . . or backward.
Oh so much to lose!

So . . . now, lets’s get started . . .
And see which one you choose!

If you’re looking for success . . .
Our U.S Presidents have acquired eternal fame,
But only 24 have had a middle name.

And of those 24, 5 had ‘middles’ that could be a ‘first:’
Henry, Alan, Howard, David and Earl . . .
(See how they could be reversed?)

All the rest had ‘middles’ that were considered ‘lasts,’
But that does not make them a type of ‘middle-class.’

So consider a ‘middle’ and your son may someday strive
To be a future President, known as ‘twenty five.’

Consider ‘international’
In this global economy, you might consider those
That add a type of flair; give command and often flows.

So add grandeur, others do not
So try them on, give them a shout.

See if they are speakable with a type of ease . . .
Here’s an example: ‘Jean-Pierre, eat your peas’

Remember, Minnesotan’s don’t travel, so this may not work,
It may cause questions, snickers and smirks.

A chairman, a CEO, a CFO – Ka-ching!
A highly successful son would alleviate your fears
Of where you’re going to spend
Your final golden years.

The following are lists
You might wish to consider
To avoid winding up
Very old and bitter

‘A name says it all’
Some believe, others feel ho hum,
But now we could blame our parents
For what we earn as income.

Top male names of large companies in Canada
Chairman – david, john, Robert, allen
CEO – Michael, Donald
CFO – Brian, Richard, William, Gregory, Paul
Most highly paid individuals in a company: Robert


Okay, these came from Canada and although they’re not Czars,
Let’s face it: their economy is better then ours.

The one name to avoid!
I hope all this ‘research’
Hasn’t made you annoyed . . .
But I must implore, there is a name
To avoid

My research has proven
There is a middle name
Shared by bad men
Who earned their fame.

By causing horrific and horrible crimes
Who were put to death
Or jailed for a lifetime . . .

Research has shown that the majority of serial killers have the middle name of . . .

Wayne

In conclusion
I’ve done my part
It’s now up to you.

Try not to screw up
As research has proved

A name carries us only
So far . . .
so try not to make it
a life lasting scar.

Love is a funny thing. People do all sorts of things for love. They get married, they have children, they wear matching t-shirts that say I’m with her and have an arrow pointing to the right. Whatever it is that they do, they do this all for love.

I’m certainly no different. There is almost nothing I won’t do for love, especially when it has to do with Jonah, Mia and Andrea. However, what I have learned is that’s not always the case coming back my way.

Let me explain.

Andrea and I have been together for 8 years, have two wonderful children and live an incredible life. This life has always been one that is based on mutual respect, compassion, and adoration. However that all came screeching to an end, just like the sound of an 18 wheeler careening out of control as it was about to hit an embankment in the middle of the night when all else was silent. Here’s what happened.

I had been petitioning for an ipod for some time. You know the one, with the touch screen. I have been just amazed at how cool they are and quite frankly, even if it could add nothing to my life, it would be fun to have. Every day I called Andrea and said all the reasons that it would be great to have. I told her about all the apps that would be helpful, nay necessary, to just live our life. I told her how I would use it daily. I even told her how I might be more readily available to do all the chores in the house, although I can’t actually remember saying that. This went of for weeks. Then one day she says to me, what about an iphone? She says she just heard on the radio about this great app and thinks she needs to have an iphone. I say, well I think that might be too expensive, but let’s see. So I figure out a way to get one that doesn’t cost too much more money. I get one. And you know what?

She took it!

She now says that the iphone is a piece of equipment that nobody should be without. Perhaps she forgot that she stole it from me and as a result I am, in fact, without one. She says it actually makes her a better person and there is nothing she can’t do. Except perhaps share the iphone with me. She says it’s the greatest thing since organic, whole grain, gluten-free, sliced, and toasted bread covered with organic, grass-fed, locally produced dairy butter. Wait, what about me? What about the love of her life? Where do I fit in? How am I supposed to feel? Well, she is still fond of me, she says.

Say it ain’t so. Did I actually loose out to a phone? To a piece of black plastic that doesn’t even know her name? Sure it vibrates and sure it has a fancy touch screen, but come on. I mean how far can that get her. She says it can get her anywhere she wants to go because look right here, Jeff (she used to call me honey), I have a GPS and a bunch of apps that will suggest all sorts of places I might like based on my interest. There is nothing I can’t do as I am connected to the internet and can access my email, too. And you know what Mr. Raich, if you keep up your whining, I don’t know if I will ever let you even see it again, much less touch it. She says, the fact is that the phone only talks when ‘I’ want it to talk, not like you when you talk whenever ‘you’ want to speak. I still can’t find your off button, Sir. Sir... Sir... when did it get to this point?

Oh, well, at least I have my daughter. Oops, not so much. There is nothing she won’t do in order to play with the phone. She thinks this is the best things since organic, premade, warm from the steamer at Whole Foods, macarooni and cheese. Then there’s always my son. Oops, not so much. There is nothing he won’t do in order to get breast milk and really couldn't care less about the iphone, that is unless it tasted like breast milk.

Here’s the ad I going to place:
Wanted: family to adopt an ousted father and husband. Good at cooking, cleaning, and gardening. Looking for loving family who has learned to despise technology. Please call my home number, but understand you will be unlikely to reach me as the iphone is now our home phone and MY WIFE WON’T LET ME USE IT.

Last night a man and women went to bed. They are married. They love each other. They have two children. The man considers himself fairly bright and reasonable. Sure there are occasions that he does something a bit crazy, but nothing like buy a convertible at the age of 41. Really, wouldn't that just mean that he's having an affair and really, with his hair line, what good is a convertible.

Now this man and woman live in a nice, but small house. The house has barely enough room for the four people and one dog to live. It's the sort of house that's always cramped; smells sort of like a mixture of wet dog, wet basement, and old clothes – some might call it lived in and others might call putrid. It could be nice if it weren't for the four people's and one dog's stuff spread out in a sort of way that makes it appear like a garage sale. It's the sort of house that one can't walk in if anything is out of place, which is actually how the house looks on most days.

So in this house the man and woman found themselves with a dilemma: how to manage to move out of their room and sleep somewhere else. The house itself is a two bedroom house (you can already see the problem, can't you). There is one bedroom for the older child and sleeping in there is really not an option. If you think it is I will just remind you of a prior posting with a description of sleeping with her and how it was compared to an alligator killing its prey. The upstairs is also not an option as the man has found that there is little joy in sweating profusely while at the same time sucking down sheetrock dust. The basement is not an option as it was learned the humidity level is at 90 percent, essentially the equivalent of a tropical rainforest and with all the similar insects and creepy, crawly creatures. This leaves the living room.

And that's where Andrea and I found ourselves last night. I really don't mean to go on about Jonah's sleeping, but quiet frankly there is little else going on in our lives. Sure we both work, have another child and are trying to be involved in about a thousand other things. But the reality is that nothing happens that doesn't reference his sleeping and as such I write about it.

Last night we gave it one final effort as he has started to not sleep again. But this time he's not so cute. In the past he used to cry and whine, whimper and roll around. Sure it was annoying and sure it kept us up a bit, but we didn't have people from bordering counties coming to our door to protest the racket. He has now taken to screaming, full-on, blood curdling, ear drum popping, screaming. I don't know from where he gets this, but crap it hurts and really he just needs to stop. The only thing to which I can compare it is to imagine the most annoying dog barking and yapping all night without stopping to breathe and it's next to you in bed wanting to snuggle. Yup, that might be the same or maybe not quite as bad.

So last night we decided to sleep out of the room to see if our presence in the room was contributing to his night waking. Andrea says I can be noisy. She says that I have this habit of stretching in the middle of the night and making all sorts of noise. I say what she's hearing is actually me getting up and trying to find things to stick in my ears to stop the noise. Things like cotton balls, knives, arrows. Those things don't work.

What we ended up doing was having a slumber party in the living room Poor Mia was so jealous. I got the couch. The wonderfully old, smelly, probably bug infested couch. Andrea got the brand new, cute and comfy bean bag bed (which, by the way, is child sized and not long enough for adult legs). And then there was no way at all to walk around the room, except over Andrea and the fear at that point is that I will step on her face, which may actually cause her to scream just like Jonah, and thereby void any efforts we made at sleeping in the living room.

We have done this two nights in a row now. Has it helped? Actually it seems to have helped a bit. I mean, child protection did not come on the second night after being called by neighbors that we were doing mean and terrible things to our children. So there was slightly less screaming. We will keep going with this plan and see what happens. Maybe tonight I will tell a ghost story. You know the one . . . the one where a young couple moves out of their room and ends up sleeping in the living room . . . maybe you've already heard it.

I apologize for the wait. However, it's going to be a little, wee bit more. Thanks. The next post will be worth the wait. It's sure to include pictures and stories about me (just kidding).

John Lennon once said that life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans. I say life is what happens while you’re busy trying to clean up and catch up from the last disaster. From the time you wake to the time you sleep, life is happening. Sure it would be nice to be able to take a step back, breathe, and say isn’t life wonderful. But you know something, when I do that, I find that I have snot on my shoulder, old strained peas on my shirt, a 6 year old pulling at my sleeve to play school, a house that has missing upstairs windows and no outlet covers in the downstairs, a wife whom I haven’t actually spoken to in 6 years, and a baby who is just finding his lungs. Did I mention work, lawn, laundry, dishes, dinner, lunch, breakfast, etc, etc, ad nauseum. The point is that life is what happens while you’re living – who has the time to make other plans?

So here’s my life now, as I’m living it. My first grader, yeah I can’t believe that either, had her first day of class. Once again she has returned to French Immersion and continues to learn how to communicate in ways I don’t understand. Not a problem, because I’ve learned that I can respond in one of two ways to most of the things she says. They are: No and No way. If I respond in either of those ways I’m sure to upset her, but at least I won’t be allowing her to go out with her other 6 year old friends in a car they ‘borrowed’ from someone’s parents so they can go to the DQ even though none of them has dime one to their names where they will proceed to order three Blizzards each just to ‘try’ them and then stop at the movie store where they will pick out movies that they can watch at the same friend’s house from whom they ‘borrowed’ the car and stay up all night because the parents aren’t home. See where I’m going with this? If I shut her down right away, she can’t get into trouble.

My 4 month old, who is the size of a small truck and as dense as a rock, has actually started to . . . oops I almost jinxed it. How about this, I will say it in Latin. He has started to sleepius throughus the nightius. I’m not sure it will continue, but for the past two nights this has happened and I can’t tell you how good it feels. I would imagine it’s similar to the feeling one has on drugs or sugar or both. It’s total euphoria. The problem is that now I’m still tired as my body is remembering what it’s like to sleep. Of course Andrea still gets up to feed, but at least it’s not every hour. He has been in day care now and it appears to be going well. He still has all his fingers and toes and isn’t screaming when we pick him up. Of course he is asking who we are, but we hope that will come back to him on the weekend when we spend more time with him.

My wife is good, so I’m told. We’ve taken to leaving cryptic messages with one another – not quite caveman drawings, but not quite legible words either. Our schedule is such that we now only see each other when she’s leaving in the morning and when we go to bed at night, which actually leaves us no time to speak as it would be a violation of rule #1: No speaking at night in Jonah’s room while he’s sleeping. I mean God forbid he should actually work around us and our needs. My last message to Andrea went something like this:

Dear Madam, If you are indeed my wife, I love you. Please pick up the stuff we need. You know, that stuff that we ran out of, that we use daily. Also, let me know if you want to do those things on Friday. I wrote it down somewhere. I ‘m sure you’ll see it. Please do your thing with Xcel. Love, your bed mate.

In retrospect all I can say is . . . What the hell does that mean? I guess I need to work on my writing skills a bit.

And as for me. Well, I’m just a total mess. Nothing new there. Here’s what’s going on in my life. The upstairs still isn’t finished. I think I’ve been working on this project for 13 years, but I lost count some time ago. The progress I’ve made includes taking both windows completely out. The rational went something like this: How can I know exactly what size window to buy if I don’t exactly how big the opening is? The best way to know is to remove the window. Any problems with this? Only one – windows won’t arrive for three weeks. Ooops. Otherwise it’s going well. The walls are white and the floor is covered in white dust. I would imagine this is a health hazard. Don’t tell the city.

I still have the garden outside, but it’s mostly covered in stuff I know I didn’t plant. The weeds are out of control. I actually can’t tell the difference between the weeds and the plants. Just last night I tried to serve dandelions for dinner by accident. Ooops.

Our basement is wet, the doors don’t shut, the molding is still missing, the outlets and switches are missing their covers, there is no electricity to the lights in the kitchen or upstairs, and there’s mold growing in the bath. Ooops.

As you see, Ooops is a consistent theme in my life. As in Ooops, life is happening again.

One of three family photos. Thanks to a woman who passed us by and asked if we wanted a photo, even though I was a cubs fan.


Mia loved this picture. It is in the tunnels at the University of Minnesota. Behind Mia's head is where Charlie missed the toliet.

Minnesota is known for many things. Among it's more famous things are Prince, Garrison Keillor, The Walker Art Center, having 10,000 lakes, the coldest inhabited city in the upper 48, and food on a stick. I'm not sure which is more famous, but the food on a stick is certainly the highlight of the year for many people. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm talking about the Minnesota State Fair. The fair, other wise known as the Great Minnesota Get Together, is the largest state fair in the country. That's right, in a place that's generally known to have two seasons: winter and road construction, we have a state fair that attracts hundreds of thousands of people for a 10 day period to the state fair grounds (which is actually a permanent structure, actually city, in St. Paul). When I say hundreds of thousands of people, that is no exaggeration or as Mia says 'for real life'. This year on the first day alone there were 114,439 people there. But that was just a warm up. The day we went there were 191,071 and I think they were all there at the same time

This picture doesn't do it justice, but it gives you an idea of what one street was like.

The real fun of the fair is that everything you eat is either bigger then your head or on a stick or both. Take the meatball on a stick for an example. That's right. A meatball dinner that's deep fried and put on a stick. Or how about the About a Foot Long Hot Dog.

Mia had no problems with this. Some of the other things that are draws are Pig Lickers. In case you can't guess what that is, it's chocolate covered bacon. Yum. Wait, I'm vegetarian. There's Big Fat Bacon. That's 1/2 pound of bacon, and you guessed it, on a stick. There's the deep fried candy bars. I didn't have one, but I would imagine one would want to save that until everything else had been tried. After all, I would guess that's a quick trip to the hospital with all the fat, calories, cholesterol and such . . . help, I'm coding. There's the deep fried fruit, key lime pie, and pork chop - all on a stick.

Mia tried the cotton candy

And finished it!


Our menu consisted of french fries

Corn Dog, Catfish sandwich, root beer, key lime pie, custard cone, and Sweet Martha's Cookies. First the Corn Dog. There's a war at the fair between the corn dog and the pronto pup. I'm not sure what other fairs have, but in these here parts, it's a little like the good ole' family war between the two camps. The one camp, we'll call them Corn Dog Clampetts, likes their dogs fried with a corn batter. The other, we'll call them Pronto Pup Bodines, like their dogs fried with wheat batter. The two don't see eye to eye, are likely to call each other names on the street, and will most diffinatley do bad things with the sticks that are left after consuming the dogs in one big bite. I myself am part of the Clampetts camp and after this year so are Mia and Andrea, for if they weren't, well let's just say there would be a fight a brewin'.

Then there's Sweet Martha's Cookies. These cookies have been around for years and each year the lines keep growing and growing. They have two stands at the fair with 10 lines at each. This year we waited 30 minutes in line to get these cookies. By the time we were at the front of the line, we had no choice but to get the bucket, which is about 4 dozen cookies, and costs 14 dollars.

Which brings me to the next point: money. The state fair is not for the faint of heart or wallet. Not only is this an event that invites one of the seven deadly sins, glutony, it invites poverty. Just to get in to the fair is 11 dollars for every man, woman, and child over the age of 5. Once there, you gotta eat. In order to eat, you have to pony up at least 4 dollars a meal, but more likely 6 dollars. So, let's say you and your sweetheart want to try to the dog wars; that's 8 dollars please. How about a lemonade; that's 3 or 6 depending on where you buy it. Let's say you want a sandwich . . . 6 dollars please. The point being that unless you have money in the bank and a retirement plan in place, be careful. Now that Mia is eating all of our food and her own, she can no longer attend college. If you would like to help her out, please visit www.HelpMiaAttendCollegeBecauseHerParentsSpentAllTheirSavingsToSuckDownLemonadeAndCookies.com

The other part of the fair is that of the games. I've never been a real game person. I figured that winning is next to impossible and quite frankly I've never really been good at throwing, shooting, or darts. However, that is not the case with Mia. She won two prizes by fishing.

Of course, everyone's a winner, but don't tell her that.

And then there's Marc 'they don't call me water shooter champion for nothing' Scharlatt, otherwise known as Grampy. Apparently the game that you shoot water and blow up a balloon is his game. He doesn't loose and has been banned in 47 states due to his crazy skills. So this year he thought he would try Minnesota and win some prizes for Mia.


Just look at that determination. Just look at that concentration. Just look at that balloon that's still inflated. Oops. The first round was just a warm-up. Next round. Same determination. Same fixed gaze. Same inflated balloon. Oops. Next round. Same. Next round. Same. We love Grampy and he gave it 110 percent. But Minnesota had the fix in and he left with nothing but a card for a good therapist. I should mention that Andrea, sitting next to him, has a similar stare, similar concentration, similar results.

All in all a great day, a great fair, and a really great, big belly ache.