Having the sudden urge to blog once again. Haven been blogging for months.
I have been really busy recently with many different things.
Ended my ten weeks of internship placement, and I am really thankful for the people whom I have met during the placement. Thankful for all their guidance, they have helped me to grow professionally as well as individually.
Recently, went back to work again. Predicted that it will be another busy period for me once again.
Need to recharge myself and energize myself before the new semester starts again.
Haven been resting at all ever since the previous semester exams ended.
Shall blog again when I have the time :)

Recently, got no idea what has happened to me. Having weird feelings of anxiety. Even had panic attack on the way home in the mrt. This has never happened to me throughout my 21 year.. Which is rather scary, I don't know what I am worrying about. An unknown fear deep inside me. If only I am able to find out what exactly caused me to feel this way. I guess it's just a combination of many things which cause the panic attack to occur. Despite all the difficulties ahead, I am glad to have supportive friends around me. I really appreciate those who have always been there to accompany me throughout the tough journey. Even though all of us are busy with our lives, but I really thank god for having you all in my life. Appreciate those random texts to me to check if I am alright. Thank you so much, I will definitely remain strong despite the challenges ahead as the saying goes tian xia wu nan shi, zhi pa you xin ren.

It has been really long since I last posted in this blog. Things has really changed a lot. Still remembered back then I was all upset about Person A. Now I have finally tell myself that it is finally over. Recently looked at my friends around me, the problems they faced in their relationship, I came to realise that it is not easy to find someone who you loves and loves you back, and someone who is willing to spend the rest of his life with you. Relationships seem to be very fragile. By looking at those failure relationships stories of my friends or their friends, I start to feel skeptical if I will be able to find someone in the future. People who are so pretty yet having their boyfriends betraying them. I can never imagine what will happen to me. Sometimes, I wonder in our life, what are we really looking for? Are we looking for that special someone who understands you and will stay with you forever to undergo all the rain and shine in our life? Frankly speaking, I don't know. It seems so hard to find someone who will truly loves you for who you are nowadays. I know there are people who set a list of criterion for their future boyfriend. Example: Above 175cm, must have six packed and muscular, handsome, rich, must have a car. Well, personally I feel that all these are not that important at all. Does money or appearance define everything? I feel that characters of the person attracts me the most. For example: Guys who are kind hearted, caring, filial towards their parents, cheerful and outgoing attracts me the most. But I realise that guys with such qualities have extinct or either attached. Well, I dont know why I am posting this as well. Just a random thought of mine.

Saw this post by someone in NUS Confession

I'm just a ordinary person who studied in ordinary schools before acquiring my dream of heading to NUS for my tertiary education. After entering NUS, though, I feel that there is something lacking - a sense of being human. I mean, back in those days, I could talk freely about any topic to my classmates. However, these days, I am apprehensive about even starting a conversation with a person in NUS. It feels as though there is a communication barrier. It has come to the extent where I pretty much try to avoid meeting the cliques of my acquaintances for fear of feeling like a fish out of water. (Perhaps it has to do with my inferior complexity that I don't have much common ground with people from top institutions.) Moreover, at times, reading the posts on this confession page makes me feel worse. I mean, do people in NUS really judge others based on CAP, wealth, and looks? Also, am I the only one who feels that it's really really hard to find a true friend in NUS?

After reading this, I feel that it can totally relate to how I am feeling right now. I came from a ordinary secondary school, ordinary polytechnic before I enter NUS. I find that it is hard to really find a good friend over there. You only have tutorial every alternate week for just two hours. There isn't any fixed class like how we used to have it in poly. Until now, I still feel not used to the school life. Especially I feel that I dont have any common topic as people who are from the top secondary schools and JCs... :( Somehow I dont know I am going to survive my three years in uni.. I guess I just got to endure and hopefully things will get better as days passes by.

Someone once told me that we have to adapt to changes in life, nothing is constant in our life. The only thing that is most likely gonna be constant throughout our life would be change. Sometimes, I start to question about what has happened that made people change? Despite knowing the fact that all of us change, I could never accept whenever things around me start to have changes. Something that I have paid special attention to would be the changes in friendship. I would always start to question what has exactly happened that lead to the drifting between friends? Sometimes, unknowingly we might do something that might be considered as unaccepted to our friends, and this might cause a strain in the friendship. I have always wished that I would have the courage to ask what has exactly gone wrong between us? Sometimes, even I have asked, I still couldn't get any answers. Instead, it's just a simple reply, as simple as I'm sorry, nothing has been wrong. This is definitely not the answer for the drifting apart. I understand that it is sometimes difficult for us to express ourselves to others. We are afraid that we might be offending someone else. However, what I feel is that in order to build a healthy friendship with someone, being honest and able to share what you feel is important. I know sometimes being open to someone else might inevitably lead to awkwardness between the two. Well, at the end of the day, at least sometimes it will help to clear the misunderstandings between the two or more people. This is something that I have regretted not doing in the past. I couldn't help but just keeping all my emotions to myself. I have tried to convince myself that things will gonna to be alright very soon. I tend to over think about stuffs and not thinking about solutions or ways that could help to improve the friendship. Thinking back about all these, I feel that I am a complete failure in terms of friendship. I could not control those overwhelming emotions that I had. If only there's a way to rewind my time and had a second chance. But now, we are all working towards the different dreams that we wished to pursue. Dear friends, I wish you all the best in your future and hopefully you doing well in the things that you are going to pursue. There are times when I want to message you all, but it's hard because I don't know what I could talk to you all about. There are so many things that I wished I could share with you. Well, I guess maybe it's time to move on. I miss you all.

It's a Sunday today. School has started, and I am still not able to accept the fact and still living in denial. Suddenly, I have the inspiration and urge to update my blog today. A few sentence to sum up how university's life is like. Well, basically I feel that the time spend on travelling to school is horrible, I have to spend around 1.5 hour just to go to school, and not forgetting another 1.5 hour wasted to go home. It's gonna be very tiring which is something that I will never get used to. Also, there are pile of weekly readings from my different modules waiting for me to clear. I am someone who doesn't read much, I hardly complete any storybook before. Therefore, it is just like killing me, having to read tons of readings. In addition, just entering a new environment, I feel that I could not blend in well with the people. Perhaps, it is cause all of us came from different background. Hopefully everything would be better as days passed by. At times, I have almost thought about giving up, but I have also thought about what keeps me going to this far. In life, there are certain things that have already been predestined in our life, such as who our parents are and when we will die. This is something that we can never make any decision of. However, the way how we choose to lead our life is something that we can take charge of. We decide how we want our life to be. I still remembered how I used to feel emotional when things just doesn't work out and get upset for weeks or even months. Well, I have learned that we can never force things to happen. Therefore, I would always try my best to maintain for e.g. the friendship before giving up. Sometimes, I feel that I am just being disturbing and down there trying to annoy people with my messages. It's never great to have people ignoring you or having replies such as "hahahaha" only. It makes me feel I am disturbing them.

Another point that I would like to talk about would be 'online friendship'. I used to have this naive thinking that it is possible to transform online friendship to a 'real' friendship. Well, up till recently, I came to realize that online friendship, virtual relationship will never last. I have this person A as my friend. We know each other from an online game app. We talked to each other for days and soon we talked in whatsapp. I just feel so comfortable talking to A. It's like talking to my best friend. And up till recently, he went to bkk, and our friendship starts to change. We started to drift apart, and slowly we don't talk to each other much. Sometimes, I really have the urge to ask him what has happened that things became that way. I ended up asking him in a more indirect way by asking if I am disturbing him. Even though his reply is no, I am not disturbing him. I still got the feeling that actually I am disturbing him so I decided to 'disappear' to see A care to initiate a talk first. Well, I know it is never good to have any assumptions on anything. I started to assume that he have found someone better to talk to, and hence not chatting to me anymore. Till now I still miss how we used to talk, but I have got no idea how to initiate a talk anymore. I don't want to lose a friendship yet having the fear of being a trouble to someone. I don't understand why online friendship could be that fragile? Sometimes, I start to question is it all my fault that lead things to become this way?

Finally having some free time for myself to relax awhile. Well, this year's national day have a long weekend holiday for all of us. Unfortunately, after the long break it would be the start of my uni life soon. I have never thought about able to make it to uni. I guess I have to work extra harder over there as I heard from many of the seniors that life in uni is not that easy. Time to go back to school after a really long 6 months break. I am afraid that I might not be able to adapt to school's life. Moreover, I have to spend 3hours daily to travel to and fro. Kind of regretted not staying in the hostel, but I know I am not able to get used to staying alone. During the six months of holidays, I have spent my time meeting up friends and busy working. I feel like I have a workaholic fiona inside my blood. I guess I am too used in my busy life, that I no longer can tolerate even a day of nothing-to-do. Having mixed feelings for the start of uni life. I am afraid that I will not be able to blend in with the rest, since most of the people are most probably JC students. I have a lot of fears deeply inside, with the lots of What Ifs questions. Questions like what if I end up alone there? What if I cannot cope well ? What if.... I guess I am just as paranoid and worried as who I am during my poly life. However, I have to constantly remind myself that everything will be fine. Apparently, at the end of the day, all of us will have to face certain obstacles in our life and we have to face it and overcome it instead of trying to escape from our problems.

Recently, I start to realize that friendship is never about who you have know for the longest, but it is about who is always there for you. If only time could be rewind, I would not be doing all those silly acts back then. I would not be self-centred and ignoring how others felt. I hope that one day all of us could meet up and the friendships don't just end that way. I know that I am sorry is not important for all the mistakes that I have committed. I am glad that you all have been there helping and guiding me throughout the years. There are nights when I have sweet dreams about how we spent our days, yet there are nights when I have nightmares about how all of us becoming strangers when we passed by one another along the streets. It has been months and all of us have not being contacting one another. Maybe, we don't have common topics to talk to , maybe it's the awkwardness that I have caused. I miss all of you.

It has been quite awhile since I last came into my blog. This blog has been accompanying me for three years, throughout the whole of my poly journey. 2 more months to the start of my university journey. Well, I am very glad that I have supportive friends accompanying me for jogging weekly. I really appreciate it a lot. This journey is going to be a tough and long one, all it takes is perseverance and never give up attitude. Hopefully I am able to keep up with this attitude all the way and get over with the problem of low self-esteem and confidence. I have learned that there is no point holding onto something that does not belong to you, maybe its time for us to move on with life. I really miss all of you, and really glad that having you guys with me for three years. Even though I know that chances of us contacting each other is low, but I still hope that every one of you are able to achieve your goals. During these few months of break, I have started to learn to see things in a different way, and not being so stubborn holding onto things. I have learned that sometimes, things just turned out to be the way you least expected.

I'm currently having mixed feelings for things. I am really glad that I am placed with something that I have always wanted. I have never thought about this happening in my life that I would be able to get something I have always wanted. This is time when I should cherish what I have got, and learn to make full use of it. Recently, I have been paying attention to this girl, Laura Patricia. Something that I would like to say is that I really salute this girl. She is just like a model example and motivation for me to lose weight. I guess this journey gonna be tough, with all those temptations and distractions out there. It requires one to be fully motivated to sustain the whole period and having strong perseverance and determination to continue with it. A lot of hard work and scarifies to be made in order to achieve something that we have always wanted to get. Though this journey gonna be tough, I feel that I should really start doing this. If someone else can do it, why not me? I have a sudden drive to start my diet plan and exercising to lose weight. Well, I am sure it would be tough for me at the beginning stage of it as there are too many temptations and distractions coming from the various places. Hence, I feel that my will power is something that is the most important during this journey.And most importantly, hopefully I would able to achieve something desirable during this journey and keep up a healthy lifestyle. Graduation is around the corner. I am currently experiencing mixed feelings for it. I am glad that I have obtained my diploma, yet I know that I am gonna to miss my friends. Somehow, I feel that we might just lost contact after graduation from TP. It has been really long ever since we have last chatted. Maybe, we just don't have the common topics to talk about. After hearing that most of them / all of them will not be attending the grad ceremony, I felt rather reluctant to attend the ceremony. Graduation ceremony is supposed to be a day whereby we celebrate the achievements that we have made during the three years and mark the end of our polytechnic journey. It would be really meaningless whereby your friends will not be coming for the ceremony. And I guess most probably we wouldn't even have the chance to meet up anymore. I really miss them a lot. I have tried quite a few times trying to ask them out, but it always seems to be failing. Sometimes, I questioned myself whether this shows that it is time for me to let go? I have tried to maintain the friendship, but somehow things just doesn't goes right. I am really glad that with their help these three years, I have changed to a better person. I cannot imagine how my life would be right now, if I didn't meet them. I am really confused about what I should next? Should I try to continue in maintaining the friendship, or just let it be the way it is? I miss them very much, those days that we have spent together and things..

Loving this song a lot , as it can relate very well to how I am actually feeling right now.
I hope the feeling does not last like how the previous did, for three years and it was a mistake.
I guess it's best to buried it, before it's being discovered. I know I shouldn't be feeling like this, but sometimes the least unexpected one do happen.

Happy Chinese New Year! It has been quite awhile since I last came in to my blog. Well, going to present my MP in a week time and that will mark the end of my poly journey. It has been a short yet sweet and exciting journey all these while. All those flashbacks during this three years constantly reminded me of how childish and immature I used to be. I used to be not able to feel for the other person and always looking at the problem at one perspective and forgotten the other. I guess this is why I have drifted apart with most of my poly friends. I got nobody to blame but myself. Who would be able to tolerate those actions of mine? I really missed those days when I spent with my clique. However, we have drifted apart ever since we have started our internship. I really hope that things would remain the same like how we were in the past. It seems to be rather impossible now. All of us have different interests and not much of common topics. Sometimes, I really feel like I am troubling all of you whenever I start smsing you. I don't know why but this just came on my mind. I really hope that I can stay in contact with them in the future and not losing contact with one another once we graduated and leave TP. There was once I even dreamt that both Shuying and Rachel decided to tell me that they don't want to stay in contact with me. And when I woke up, I realize that I was crying in my sleep. I could not stop tearing all the way throughout the midnight. The dream just seems to be so real. Perhaps, this is the worst nightmare that I have ever had. I get rather troubled of how to maintain my friendship with them, I really don't want to lost contacts with them. Well, it's already mid February of 2013. I realize that time really passed by very quickly. Hope that everything will go well this year.

Well, today is the last day of 2012. Time really passes by very fast during the year of 2012. Many things has happened in this year. Be it those sweet and happy moments, or unhappy moments, it's just part of our life. Those stupid actions taught me that it's time to grow up and move on. I shouldn't trust people as much as I thought I could. I guess today is the day for me to let go of my past and move on to look forward to my future. I realized that I have grown up and learn a lot during these few months. I have started to realize that there's no point holding on to something that does not and would not belong to me. Sometimes, it's better to let go. Regrets and mistakes, they form part of our memories. My new year resolution for the year 2013 would be everyone to be filled with happiness, good health, able to enter social work in nus and having a fun, joy and laughter 2013. For now, I have to continue with my internship report and focus on my major project till mid February! Gambatte Kudasai!

Well, I should constantly remind myself about this. And I've came to the conclusion that never ever fall for people. No matter what the person has said to you, just always remember that they don't mean what they've said. I still remember around two years ago, how a friend has warned me not to trust anyone online. At that time, I still tell him more worries , I won't. And now, I'm starting to put true feelings into someone whom I've know over there. This is so ridiculous. Fiona, have you like became more stupid and naive as you grow up? So, the conclusion is never ever trust the words of any guys so easily. They are just sweet talkers.  Only words said, but no actions done. It's okay at least I realize this earlier but than at a later stage. 

Sometimes, it not because I don't want. It's because I'm afraid of losing people whom I am close with. I hate the feeling of drifting apart from people, though I know that this is inevitable. Yesterday was just a dream. Knowing you for just the short and sweet two months and it was a great two months. I guess that the journey would just end here . I don't know why but I just couldn't stop comparing the both of you. There are too many similarities yet I know that both of you are two different person. The feeling of going out with you is just awkward . The silence is just so scary. Perhaps, it's time for me to stop all these things. Heck those shits that are happening around me and move on with life.And also , I have came to the conclusion that never put in any true feelings for anybody. .

The last day of internship is over. It was a great learning journey interning over there. I've really gained a lot throughout these twelve weeks. I know more about what it is like to be in a working environment. The environment is really different as compared to the environment in school. Kinda miss my colleagues. Gave them farewell gifts. The stress ball and the snowman cookie! Though i think the snowman cookie wouldn't be edible because it's full of icing from icing room.

and received handmade jelly from rachel <3 I shall learn from her one day. It's really nice! Really appreciate her thoughts.

Now I am back to school life. With my major project for me to clear so that I will end my poly life. I am really glad to have supportive friends around me who are there for me when I needed them. I wished that I would stay in touch with them even after the end of the polytechnic journey. I know I am bad at controlling my emotions but I will try my best to do that.

Yesterday went with Fish to airport for our Aston's. Actually we planned to go to the beach to relax. But oh well, you know what will happen when two unlucky people try to go out together. Escalator will start to break down, it will start to rain and etc. In the end, we decided to have lunch at Aston's. I've ordered Char Grill Chicken with pasta salad and onion ring. Fish has ordered her favourite Crispy fried FISH with house salad and fries. Cravings satisfied and we slacked around airport and eastpoint and home sweet home!

It's time to work on my second attempt of literature review. Meeting my supervisor and group mates on Tuesday afternoon and going to meet up my beloved cats. So long didn't meet up with Jing Yi and Joanne is leaving soon. Gonna miss her during that three weeks!Meeting Phyllis and Wan Jie this coming week also. It's a rare opportunity for us to meet up since most of us are busy with our school and etc. And lastly, meeting diana to visit east point on weekends. Looking forward to this week

I really don't understand why is it so hard to maintain this friendship? I am just like a fool keep on trying to stay in contact with you, yet you don't even give a damn about it. Have you ever thought about how people might feel after being ignored or your friend showing you attitude? I guess you don't even give a damn about it. Why couldn't everything just go back to the past and remains? I don't understand what happens that makes us drifted so far apart... Have you ever tried wishing someone a happy birthday yet what you got back is not even a thank you? I really don't understand what is it that I did wrongly that makes you don't even bother to reply a thank you to me and showing me attitude? I'm really silly , the most stupid fool in this world. What I want is just to remain as friends with you, yet you are always building a wall away away from me. I really don't know what to do. I really want to find out what has happened that makes you reacting this way. Even rachel thinks that I'm crazy to actually tear in front of her on the way to work. I guess I am really crazy. I have never been like this in my life before. I guess you are important to me , a real friend to me.. Happy birthday to you and I guess this would be the last time to wish you. As time passed by, we would definitely lost contact.

Woke up quite early today to go and buy breakfast and have to start doing my individual literature review It's damn tiring to have major project together with SIP. Need to submit the lit review by Friday and I only have 70 words now. Have to try to finish 3 quarter of it by tonight. I still got to work tmr, thursday and friday and I guess I won't have much time to complete my lit review. This work week schedule quite packed with fieldwork. It wasn't that bad to be able to go out for fieldwork! Sometimes, I questioned myself what am I actually doing? I don't even understand my actions and my behaviour. I am doing weird things and things that I would never have thought that I would do. Yesterday wasn't a good day, the sky was crying with me. Oh well, I just hope that you can be happy. Maybe this would be a great motivation for me to move on with life. I hope time does heal it.

才離開沒多久就開始　擔心今天的妳過得好不好 整個畫面是妳　想妳想的睡不著 嘴嘟嘟那可愛的模樣　還有在妳身上香香的味道 我的快樂是妳　想妳想的都會笑 沒有妳在我有多難熬(沒有妳在我有多難熬多煩惱) 沒有妳煩我有多煩惱(沒有妳煩我有多煩惱多難熬) 穿過雲層　我試著努力向妳奔跑 愛才送到　妳卻已在別人懷抱 就是開不了口　讓她知道 我一定會呵護著妳　也逗妳笑 妳對我有多重要　我後悔沒　讓妳知道 安靜的聽妳撒嬌　看妳睡著　一直到老 就是開不了口　讓她知道 就是那麼簡單幾句　我辦不到 整顆心懸在半空　我只能夠　遠遠看著 這些我都做得到　但那個人已經不是我

It's weekend now! I'm now left with last three weeks of internship and I am actually missing working there. Quite busy with work recently. Went out for fieldwork for quite a lot of times this week. Every field visit is a new experience for me. Have to start doing Major Project research literature review already. Quite tired recently, didn't sleep well at night and having sorethroat now. It's a good sign that I don't think as much as I did in the past. I guess this internship has taught me about remaining positive in life. I look at some of the older person who does not even have anybody to look after them at home. They have difficulties moving themselves. One of them even crawl to open the door for us. It's really saddening to see all these, yet I could not help much to it. Recently, having weird feeling. Hmmm, I still don't understand.. Oh well.