ransomletter

This time round I really felt it- I felt that wrenching on my heart then having it forcefully gagged out of my throat and taken away to a far away place. My ribs felt a very heavy dreadful hollow. It created a space, not a light relief, but one that was deafening, one that was dark and silent and cold.

Samuel went off for one of those overseas work trip again. Yup, once again. Nothing new, nothing too rare but this time it felt so damn different, I kid myself not. It was raw and painful.

The only rare few times where my tears jerked off uncontrollably just thinking of how lonely I will be without him and how quiet the house will be without him and how I am to survive living without him. My imagination escalated and so did my emotions.

Today marks Day 1. TOUGH AF. But being alone made me appreciate what has happened under my nose all these while.

I always force Samuel to tell me he loves me and he has to repeat after me that he loves me the most in the whole wide world. It is now I realised, some things do not have to be said. Here are things he do that shouts I love you louder than me saying it:

1. He washes and dries my clothes with his.
2. On most nights, he cuddles up with me in the middle of the night and he doesnt even realise this cause he is a heavy sleeper.
3. He keeps the house so clean for me to live in.
4. He had tears welled up too just by seeing me cry in sadness. His heart ached so much for me.
5. He lets me hug him whereever, whenever even if it disrupts what he is doing.
6. He worries about me and misses me very much when he is away so he msges me all the time.

I love Samuel very much. I never knew I can love him even more than I already do until we got married and started living together. I am really amazed at how big our hearts can be to store even more love for each other.

Love is an amazing feeling.

I am in such a foul mood I don’t know what else to call it.

Its darkness pressing on my heard. Sadness clogging up my artilleries. Angst pumping through my veins. Oppression pressing on my temples.

I wish it was bedtime already and I can sleep it away.

Or rather no one can compare.

In less than 3 months time, I will be a mrs. Who knew we would be still stuck like glue to each other 13 years later. 13 years ago, 13 years later, I still love you no less. Actually I love you even more. A whole lottttttt more.

I told you yesterday that the scariest part of getting married is knowing that I will lose you one day. That just kills me. I cannot imagine a life without you and that makes me extra worried whenever you travel out for work.

Which is soon. Which I abhor. I wish the next 3 weeks do not exist.

I can’t wait till we become lawfully together. I can’t wait to move in together. I can’t wait for that sense of comfort, that sense of belonging and that sense of power being together.

Actually perhaps there’s something else which I’m afraid of getting married, I’m scared of losing strength on my own. I’m scared of reliance because I’m scared I will lose it one day. I am quite a worrier huh.

In any case, time is passing and I can’t wait for the day to finally come.

I am still where I am then, dreading and dragging my ass to work everyday. Just give me a few more months. Just let me get my bigger milestones out of the way. Then will I come back and conquer this beast called Work.

And so I finally put a finger on it. I’m going to leave. As much as the desire to stay is strong and the seductions keep luring me in, I am going to leave. As much as the unknown is fearful, the unconventional path is daunting, I am going to leave. I will have to face them headstrong and charge on unwavering.

I am at this crossroads again. This feeling is oh too familiar, just like how it was 3 years back. I gave the conventional, the organisational, the career ladder a shot. And look, here I am standing at the same spot again. No regrets, I did learn a lot more about myself. I’ve learnt that it is not because I suck at it thats why I hate it, on the contrary, I kick ass at it, but I still hate it. I’m amazing at what I do, so amazing that I’m often taken advantage of. Now I know for sure, I’m not avoiding what I can’t do, I am moving on because I truly want to.

I look forward to the green pastures out there. The one that I don’t know of. The fresh air and the freedom to be myself. To rush for myself, to rest for myself. Sounds absolutely narcissistic but at the same time, absolutely delightful. It is going to be tough, but I guess if I am born this way, I should embrace what I am made for. It is tough only because the majority is not doing it. It is tough only because we were not brought up that way. It is tough because of perceptions and not because factually it is.

2017, the year of ups and downs and downs and ups. Just got to hang in there. The future is ours to hold.

The last few weeks were not easy, not at all. Tragically difficult and hard to describe. Frankly, extremely scary. So many WHYs, so many WHAT Ifs, so many HOWs. And really, all of them unanswered still.

But I know now, I am a very blessed child of this universe. I have myself I can count on, I have Samuel to count on (he is the sweetest), I have everyone else who are in my life who unknowingly helped me push through each day- be it at work or in just my daily routine life.

Not sure what now but for what I have, I am extremely thankful. EXTREMELY. So I count my blessings every single day. 🙂

2017 has officially creeped in. It is real. MY year has begun. The year of more work with the pursuit of my masters with the house coming with the year ending with our wedding. The year cannot and must not get anymore exciting. Enough. What am I saying? More than enough.

Its the feeling of being excited for the start of it all, yet at the same time, excited to see the end of it all too. I can’t stop thinking about the commitments I have this year and feel nervous yet so ready to overcome it all. Its is a love-hate extremely complicated relationship. It will definitely be a very trying year for me. And all I can hope for is for me to be well enough to check of these accomplishments and be a super Val by 2018.

At least I know my partner in crime is with me throughout. The long vacay and probably the longest time period we have ever spent with only each other was very telling to me. I know I can live with him and I want to. I know and I can’t wait. I trust him to make decisions, and trust that he will stick with me for better or worse.

So here it is, like it or not, ready or not, 2017 has begun.

So it has been a while.

Battling with stomach issues here and there as if it is already my lifestyle or some Val characteristic. NO. That should not be the case, I’m still fighting this battle strong, determined to have my stomach fixed and cured.

1 more week to our trip to Japan, followed by another to Perth and it makes me nervous knowing that my health is not at its pinkest right now. I can’t wait to end each day to be rewarded with the next day of better health. Truth, I wake up excited to find out how I am feeling. And if I’m good, it is just striking the lottery. I strike more and more each day so thats great!

We’ll see how the tests go next week. *fingers crossed* Nothing too severe with a clear solution to fix it.

And if anything, Samuel gives me a lot of reason to want to be better. I want to travel the world and eat all sorts of thrash food with him. I want to be his ball of energy and joy instead of some whiney puss I am these days. And frankly, I want to be well so that one day we can have the family we always wanted. It is strange how love works to motivate you.

So yes, I am determined and I will overcome this soon!

My date is coming home! After many Saturdays of being missing, he is coming home! 🙂 *beams 10 thousand sun rays into the universe*

I’m so thrilled I wish this week just disappeared!

I literally melted on the spot today when he called, hearing his voice over the phone just made me small and squishy all over again. I’ve not be small or squishy for a long while now and I can’t believe it is ending already! Yeah!

I wish for the week to fly by, his flight back to be smooth, and for him to come back and be mine again! 🙂

Not Saturdate cause I am dateless once more.

1 more dateless Saturdate and I will have my love back.

He is really the love of my life. He loves me and my life. And I love him very much too.

I am having a tiny moment of sadness not having him around now. I’m sure I will cope myself out of it very soon.

I miss you very much, come back already.