Marshall Madness

                                                                      Baby Josh                                       

                                                                   Big boy Josh

                                                                    Still baby Coco

                                                                       The Six

I'm waiting for the paralegal to call, holding Coco, helping Josh with his football helmet, pretending early intervention won't care about the 3 loads of laundry in the entry way or the 4 new carseats, or the prizes for trunk or treat, or the school papers from 4 kids, or that I haven't showered or dressed.

As it turned out one more court date spawned more court dates like maggots in a dead cat.  The time was dragging out and our lives were measured in the time between court dates.  The babies days were filled with friends and family, breakfast-lunch-dinner, prayers, singing, watching big brother and sister in sporting events, reading, puzzles, naps and kisses.......so many kisses.  But for the rest of us that knew, there was always an ominous shadow lurking in our corners and creeping out when our minds had time to rest.

Instead of this experience being about having a charitable heart and growing in a Christ like way.....my heart was getting blacker, even blacker than it started out.  I felt like I was rotting from the inside.  My thoughts were consumed with bringing another human being so low that I broke them, if it meant I could protect my little babies.  The longer the time dragged out, with every court date missed like it was nothing more than a delinquent library book, with my time wasted and the babies growing older.........my heart was set on destruction.  Riley ended up in the hospital for 6 days with a GI bleed, and by the time we were sent home with no answers about her health, my spirit broke.  I didn't like myself.  Normally I can tolerate a good bit of myself, the snarky attitude, the unfriendly aire, the inappropriate humor, the charming smile, the devil may care outlook.

It was time to do something good and do contrary to my nature.  I made a photo album for the mama of the boys.  So if I'm being truthful I guess that wasn't %100 pure love of Christ there because I planned to use it to my advantage.......just a little.  I know she really loves the boys and I knew she would love a photo ablum........and I knew that would make her come to court.  I prayed that there would be a way that she and I could talk.  I had a strong feeling that if I protected her, if I loved her, if my help was aimed at her.....

(Also, I want to say that to my knowledge she has always been very respectful and kind.  She has always been very sweet. She is a beautiful girl.  She really is.)

 She texted one evening to ask about the boys. She asked me what the next court date was for and we began a lengthy conversation in which both our hearts changed.  I wanted for her and she wanted for the boys.  We talked about what her options were.  We talked about all of the confusing and painful truths that had to be covered.

Court arrived, their mama arrived, she agreed to relinquishment.  She asked if I would go with her to see the judge.  We went.  It was terrifying.  My heart broke for her.  I don't know how she did it.  I don't think I could.  She was brave, and strong, and little, and alone, and crying.  We sat in the hall away from the crowd of other parents with open DCFS cases, the caseworkers, the lawyers.  What can you do to comfort someome in so much pain? She curled up into a ball on a bench.  I was afraid to speak.  I pulled her into my lap like she was Joshy when he falls.  I rocked her and kissed her and smoothed her hair.  Is that weird?  We talked about funny baby things our boys do.  I told her she was a good mom. I wasn't lying to her.

That mama will have an abundance of blessings.  I hope she feels some in this life.  I know she will throughout eternity.  Her selfless act was her crowning act of motherhood. If you have a moment, keep her in your prayers.  Pray for her comfort and peace.  Pray for her happiness and success. 

Two little babies played football and ate graham crackers and took naps.  They played with friends and Max.  They didn't know that a switch was thrown on their life path and nothing will ever be the same again.  They didn't know their two mamas sat crying in a ball of snot and tears.

Adoption, blessings and the sealing are happy things to look forward to.  Eternity just opened up......