Cluttered Thoughts

Tuesday, 1 November 2016

Whatever

These days, heavy clouds have been following me everywhere. I just can't seem to shake off the fact that everyone will leave me eventually. My suicidal thoughts have become stronger than ever and honest to god I wish I had a bottle of pills to let me drown peacefully. Either that or a pack of cigars will help because somehow, deep down I just feel like releasing all my stress from every single time I smoke. That and life without me would be so much better for everyone.

I'm born selfish and all I think about is myself - at least that is what I perceive the way I am. The other day, I got really annoyed and angry at myself I slapped and grabbed my hair tightly again. In a way, I wish I'd just hit my head against the wall so hard that I just pass out. Even if I lose my mind, at least maybe I won't be thinking about all the negativities. I can still feel the slap on my face and the next time I do it, I don't think I'll be any gentler at least it'll stop me from getting a mediocre response or just "lol" answers. I know, I should just accept that people do that but... It just hurts so bad when you're trying to communicate and it just seemed like what you're writing seems stupid or whatever.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my grandmother's death again... You know, when she was crying in pain back in high school, I wished she'd just disappear. Maybe then our family or more like my family will be more in peace. That never happened. My aunt told me not to talk about my problems online but... Really, who'd listen to me or try to understand me?

Often times while I try to be a listening ear to everyone (at least I hope I did a great job at it), I just can't find someone that I can talk to that'll understand me. My mother doesn't understand depression or anxiety. Neither does my dad nor my sister. And to be honest, all that I'm feeling right now is a hindrance to everyone's life and you can't tell me I'm not. If I was gone, no one will be there to leech on my family's finance, no one will be there to cry over every little mistake my non-boyfriend/date person thing does and no one will be there to just be an obstacle to my friends.

Really, desperately.... I wish I can just die right now in my sleep... Better yet just wipe out my entire existence. I know I'm just "woe is me"-ing right now... but really... sigh.

Thursday, 10 March 2016

Advising a non-advisable friend

Honestly, what's worse?
Someone who thinks they know everything
or someone who keeps making mistakes despite your advises?
Those two characteristics aren't really that far apart
from one another in a handful of my friends or I daresay, acquaintances.

I have a rough understanding in how advising works.
It usually has to be from someone who you respect and look up to.
Usually if it comes from a peer, people will just regard it as nothing.
Unless you have a straight A+ or you're renowned enough.

It's funny because there were moments where I had already solved a particular problem
and I was going to advise them so that they have an easier time,
but all I got was a "I'll do it my way"
only to be asked "how did you actually do it?" later on.

What's even more annoying is that despite the extra effort you put in
to stop your friends from getting into trouble,
they'd rather take advises from someone who has a PHD
rather than myself, who has yet to get a degree whatsoever but still advised the same thing.

Does PHD automatically make people respect you more?
Does having piles and piles of money make people listen to you more?
Without a doubt, those two do come into play for some people, but for others like me,
it only works when it comes to research or maybe strategies in marketing respectively.

I don't really feel like I have to be thanked for giving an advice,
I just want to be acknowledged that's all.
Instead all I got was "Nah, actually the PHD student made me think it's a better choice."
Even though it's the same freaking reasoning behind it!

Ahh well,
I don't know how these people or I'll survive in the society.
People nowadays don't really give a fuck about a person who has a PHD,
sure, it's admirable to some extent but I find someone who's genuinely happy more admirable.

Of course, admiration is subjective.

Sunday, 6 March 2016

Dreams Question Mark

3rd March 2016

Three more months and I'll finally finish my university life and every person I met keeps questioning me what I wish to do for my future. That and whether I would like to stay here or go back home. To be honest, I don't know - and that's the answer I started giving to people because some people just don't understand while others just say that it's not a good career. Though I shouldn't listen to someone whose only world is stuck within China.

Lately, these thoughts kept on penetrating my mind. I don't wanna work in a lab where I have to do somewhat similar things 24/7. I don't wanna work as a salesperson who has to boast about how great someone else's products are. I wanna work for myself and I want a different environment as frequently as possible. I want to believe in my own products and sell my own creativity.

I don't wanna do the same thing for 3 years straight and postpone my dream until I'm 25/26. Who knows I might just die in the middle of working or get a horrible disease or a zombie parasite starts invading into people's brains and forcing them to eat roaches!

To be honest though, I do have something in mind that I wish to do as a living but it's such a cliche job as a millennial isn't it? I want to produce my own videos as I work and travel across different countries. I've always enjoyed entertaining people - even if it's sexual jokes or playing music or hardie-har-har. Even as a 10 year old kid sitting on the toilet, clenching my small tuckus while contemplating about my future, "comedian" was a thing that popped into my mind!

Just a day ago, I saw an acquaintance of mine who just started a YouTube channel as well as a fanpage on Facebook and oh how I envy her confidence! I wish I could do every video I've imagined in my mind and just go along with it and not caring about how people think of me. That and another friend who wishes to be a singer and dares to upload her voice along with her face on. She's an inspiration to me - even though she doesn't know it.

You know, at first I wished I had a friend who had similar interest so I don't have to do this alone, but I guess things just don't work out this way for everyone. I just have to make friends after making several videos myself. Sounds like a video of me playing solitaire and wishing I could play strip poker with someone.