I cannot sleep, the guilt that is inside me, that I have bottled up the last 4 years of my life is finally coming to the surface and I think I'am finally dealing with it. I'am about half way through Jenny McCarthy's second book "Mother Warriors" and in it she talks about recovery stories from warrior moms of children with an autism spectrum disorder, controversy she has received from her first book, the guilt that most moms feel, because of thinking they caused their child's autism and the controversy surrounding vaccines. After reading the first book and after being half way done with her second, the research I have done and in talking with other mothers' and health care professionals, I'am now fully CONVINCED that it was the VACCINES that coby received as a baby that caused his Autism. Let me rewind for a bit and go back almost five years ago. When coby was just six weeks old I took him into the dr. to receive his first round of shots. In the days leading up to that day I felt sick like something was wrong, like something didnt feel right and as his appointment date drew nearer the feeling just increased and increased to the put that on the day of the appointment I felt so sick and nausceous that I thought I either had food poisoning or had a very bad stomach flu. I remember talking to my mom and hubby all week long about this feeling and how nervous I was for Coby to receive his first round of vaccines, not because of the pain and discomfort I knew my baby would have to endure, but because something just didn't feel right. a couple of weeks earlier I had read an article in a magazine about vaccines and the recent research and links between vaccines and autism. I thought about how sad it was for moms and families to have to go through that and discussed my concerns about it with my pediatrician, who informed me that those studies were wrong and unfounded. you would think that would put my mind at ease, hearing a very well educated and very experienced doctor tell me that, but it didn't. That article stuck with me like super glue and I thought about it almost every second, of every day. anywho back to the day of the appt. I got Coby ready, got him into the car and headed out to the dr.'s office. On the way there the sick feeling got worse and worse to the point that I wondered if I might have to pull over and vomit. It increased all the way through the appt. and came to a climax when the nurse was getting ready to poke my sweet snuggle-bunny baby with his first shot. At that moment it was like someone else was in the room with us and I felt a soft whisper in my ear telling me "this is wrong and to pack up my baby and run." I know now that it was the spirit prompting me and heavenly father telling me that something was wrong and that this wasnt right for my boy. I wish I would have listened to that "still small voice" as so many prophets, counselors and teachers have counseled me to. I know things would be different today. I'm not sad for me, i'm sad for my boy. I'm sad to think of how he will get on later on in life, how people will treat him, will he go to his prom? will he have a girlfriend? go on a mission? get married? have children of his own? I wish I knew....I'm side tracking a little, because I want to clarify what happened to coby after his first round of shots. Coby's fever spiked extremely high to a temp of almost 105', he broke out in a pretty nasty rash and was extremely irritable. I called his pediatrician and told him what happened and he said sometimes that happeneds and to give him tylenol. I gave Coby the tylenol and it brought his fever down to 102-103, but I still felt like something was not right about the whole situation. a couple days later the fever went away for a day, but then had spiked to 105 the next. I called the pediatrician, who said that was much to high for a baby of cobys age and to bring him in right away. Nate was at work at the time and had our only vehicle with him, so I asked my dad to drive us to the dr. When we got there the nurse took us back into the room right away, she took his temperature and confirmed that his fever was in fact 105 and ushered the pediatrician into the room immediately. The Doc came in did his exam on coby and then he sat down and told me that I should take a seat as well. what he said next will forever be engraved in my mind and in my heart. "now i'm gonna scare you a little bit (he said putting his hand on my knee). try to stay calm. I'm not sure what is going on with your baby boy. He is just too little to be having a fever like this and I dont see any symptoms of a simple cold or flu.and im not sure what is wrong with him. the only thing I can think of is that he may have spinal meningitis." spinal meningitis? I said (crying at this point) "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" he talked about what it was and said that he wanted me to take my baby to the hospital next door and that he was going to call the pediatric hospital next door and tell them I was coming over right away. my heart sank to the pit of my stomach and I had a know in my throat that I thought would suffocate me. I cried and called nathan and told him what was going on and to get his butt to the hospital right away. When we got to the hospital they immediately starting running batteries of test on him and started i.v. fluids and anti-biotics. they gave my sweet coby a spinal tab and concluded that it was NOT spinal meningitis (phew, I thought), but that they wouldnt know about anything else until we got the lab results back. 4 days later coby's fever went competely away and they never really came to a conclusion as to what happened to my baby. I told them the vaccine theory and they looked at me as if I were an iddiot and a bad mother. the high fevers and such went on every single time coby received a round of vaccines. he even broke out in chicken pox at 12 months old from the chicken pox vaccine. when coby was 18 months old he was a normal, healthy little boy. His vocabulary and speech was right on track, he was somewhat advanced in his motor skills, but pretty average in his cognitive skills and speech. He could tell me all of his aunts and uncles names, count to 5, tell me his colors and alot of other words, but he never said his name, which often bothered me, but I thought was totally normal. at 18 mos. coby got his MMR vaccine. on the day of the appt. the same things started to happen again, I started to feel sick and again I heard a very faint voice whisper to me "that this is very, very wrong and that there will be harsh consequences if I go through with the vaccines" again I went against it and it is something I will never forgive myself for. That was day when I lost my adorabley, sweet, talkative boy. gone were the days of him saying bwue, bween, noneeee, B, house, twuck, car, ball, etc. (for blue, green, aunt nonie, uncle brent, truck, etc.). from that day on he started dropping words left and right . Until he went for his two year old well check and I told the dr. what was going on and he noticed that coby was a little behind in speech for his age. But the pediatrician told me not to worry that " speech delay is alot more commen than you think, especially in boys" why i wondered. Again something told me that wasnt it, but I just didnt want to believe it. This time however when that "soft voice started to whisper to me again "that something was not right" I listened and told and BUGGED the heck out of his dr. that something was not right and that I would like to get cobys hearing tested. The hearing test was inconclusive as coby would not allow us to put the individual ear phones in his ears. Still that was not it. I still felt those promptings that I was missing something. His doctor recomended that I get in contact with a speech therapist. Coby would take speech therapy and progress a little, only to regress again during breaks for holidays and such. Finally when Coby turned 3 I still didnt feel right about what was going on with him, but his dr. told me not to worry, but still that did not comfort me in the LEAST bit. I kept nagging him until he referred us to "The Center for Disabilities and Development" in Iowa City, IA. The CDD in Iowa city has the 4th best autism clinic in the COUNTRY! when were done with those appointments, it was confirmed what I had knew, but feared all along. My sweet, snuggle-bunny, baby, boy Coby had Pervassive Development Disorder-Not otherwised Specified (PDD-NOS) on the spectrum of autism. When the clinical psychologist told Nate and I that Coby had autism, we were actually quite calm and collected. She only had confirmed to us, what we knew and were sad about. Our first born, baby boy was autistic. FINALLY we said to each "we have a diagnosis!" what next we asked? she then proceeded to tell us of the therapies that are helpful to children like Coby.
Coby is now currently receiving speech and occupational therapy 2x's/wk., he goes to a special ed preschool, and is receiving respite and SCL (supported community living) services. he has made such a HUGE improvement in everything from speech to attitude. I'am very grateful to everyone who is working to bring my boy out of the dark world he is in by himself.
The Dr's give coby a great prognosis for the future, as his autism is on the more mild scale, but I just wish I could go back and listen to that "still small voice" in my head and maybe I would have spared my baby from all of this grief and torment he has had to endure.
with all the sadness and guilt I feel, I also cant help to feel blessed. Blessed that my baby has a more mild case of autism. Blessed that my baby hugs and kisses, understands and is aware of emotions going on around him and is sensitive to them and individuals. Blessed that heavenly father picked me to be his mother, because he trusted me with this special spirit.Blessed that I know no matter what my boy will have a spot waiting for him in the Celestial kingdom of heaven. Blessed that my boy has softened my heart, opened my eyes and made me a more patient person. Blessed that I know what I can do to help my baby recover. Blessed that I have a great family and support network of friends and helpers. and Blessed that I have a hubby who is not only involved in what is going on with our boy (which is not common of fathers' who have autistic children), but that he often knows more than I do and that we are team and support one another and love each other and will always be there for each other.
I know I will never get over the guilt I feel. That I should have listened to promptings of the spirit. I just didnt want to be looked at like a bad or crazy, paranoid mother. SCREW those feelings now, I will always listen and do what I feel is right for my boy, even if nobody agrees with and criticizes me.
parents I'm NOT saying dont vaccinate your kiddos, I vaccinate my kiddos, but I space way apart! I wont be getting cobys second MMR (for obvious reasons) but also sit back and take a moment and ask yourselves why we have 30 something vaccines to give our children? why did it jump from 10 in the first years to 30 something from 1989 to now? was there some BIG epidemic we didnt know about? and why are vaccines "one size fits all"??????? thats like saying that peanut-butter should be fine for everyone, when clearly that is not the case!..or that amoxicillian is ok for everyone (well its not because my boy Chase is a allergic, you see)...if your concerned about something ASK QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!! and if something still doesnt feel right, then dont do it! im a firm believer in a mothers' instinct! follow yours!~ I will continue to fight for my boy and my next step is changing his diet to a glutten-cassein free one, wish me and my boy luck!
**also I HIGHLY RECOMMEND jenny mccarthy's books, although she can tend to swear a little in them, her story about her boy is amazing and it inspired me and gave me a sense of hope. If you or someone you know has a child on the autism spectrum disorder, feel free to tell them about me. and give them my contact info I would love to chat and swap stories.
One of my favorites...pizza
6 months ago
