Tuesday, October 30, 2012 @ 7:02 PM
It's not a good habit to swear and curse but I really appreciated it when he did; at least he was being true to himself and showing how real of a person he was, not even trying to put on some holy façade just because he's a Christian. People always expect us to be some holy group of people and I agree, our actions do matter a lot as Christians because all the world sees is our every move and how we react to things in life but we are also mere humans, gosh, just give us a break. We are sinners. We're not perfect and we make shitloads of mistakes everyday. We swear when we're frustrated, gossip when we're feeling bitter, hate when we get hurt (surprise, surprise). But that doesn't mean we're not working our asses off to be better people and grow more like Him. It's such a difficult task, not impossible, but extremely hard. To be expected to be good and holy all the time just because we're Christians, gosh. Just give us a break lah, we're not God. Why not you try to be some goodass for a day, or maybe just an hour; I bet you can't even stay away from the F word and the flips. It's freaking tiring, it is. But we always strive to be better people because God's grace shouldn't be taken for granted. I mean, think about it. Why did God even bother to die on the cross for us when He could just say, "Haiya, those rotten souls. Let them suffer in hell, teach them a lesson kao kao. They deserve it, anyway." See, don't you get it? And you can jolly well go ahead and say we're hypocrites, because we are. I don't know how others feel but I dare to admit I'm one. A hypocrite, that is. And I dare say the whole church is filled with hypocrites because honestly, a church is not a museum for the good people; it's a hospital for the broken.
Frustrations, I didn't know when they crept into my mind. And those are just a fraction of them. Sorry for the post and the choice of words, I sounded really pissed but really, I'm just so frustrated. Feeling damn shitty today, have to let it go. But I think there'll be more of these posts coming after exams so to those who're new here, you came at the wrong time unless you're prepared for some of my unnecessary random thoughts, deep feelings and stupid insecurities. Trust me, I'm not enjoying any of this as well. Freaking roller coaster ride of emotions. God, get me off, please.
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Whisk me away
Monday, October 29, 2012 @ 4:30 PM
In fact, prayer really helps. Before every paper, I pray hard first for God to give me a clear mind, confidence and peace in my heart. Is it bad that I do that? Like praying before my exams because I want a good grade? IDK, sometimes I feel guilty for praying before my exams 'cause it's like when I want something then only I pray. I do pray on a daily basis, though, to thank God for the food, shelter and mostly that I'm still alive and able to live for another day (eh, it sounds sappy but I am truly thankful for my life, okay). Anyway, back to the topic. I admit I've not been studying for two weeks which is really not like me; I remember during my PMR preparations I studied like sheeeeet. I remember doing THIRTEEN History, FIFTEEN Geography and SIX Living Skills workbooks. And I sat in Popular two weeks straight just to copy down random karangan points to prepare for my BM paper. LOL, so hardcore. Mana tau, in the end, all got B. HAHAHA, just kidding. Actually, that's seriously too much lah. Too kiasu, can't imagine I was like this, damn lifeless. -_-
As proven, I prepared for my PMR like I was preparing to become the next president of USA, HAHA. And now, I'm in the midst of having my IGCSEs but treating it like some peanuts exam, WTH. Lazing around and procrastinating. Blogging even, wat. What in the world happened to me? :/ Oh, one key point : I didn't have Facebook last time, hurhurhur. NOW, I UNDERSTAND. If I didn't switch schools, I'll never own an account, seriously. I created it because I wanna keep in touch with my old friends. Eh, my gosh. Come to think of it, Facebook really ruined my life lah. Have to fast from it again after my exams. Yes, I must.
Okay, maybe I did study lah, especially for Bio 'cause it's my weakest subject. I did camp in the library day and night (LOL, lies) just to focus on studying because I was easily distracted at home. But that was waaay before exams started, maybe a month or two? And I didn't even bother to really study on the rest of the subjects, like I'm so smart already, WTH. Still, I feel confident when I did all my papers. Really, is this overconfidence? I asked so many people but they just said I'm really prepared, that's why I feel so calm. Dad also said it's because I've put in a lot of effort in acing the test. Effort? What effort? *yaomingface* Personally, I just feel God is on my side; He always is and always will be. :) Although the questions for all the papers I've done weren't ABC123PIE, I feel like I can do it. Like I have the answers (some of them are wrong, though, HAHA). I know people say if you want God to help you, you have to first help yourself. That's why I'm confused because I don't think I've helped myself but why is God helping me?
Although I've studied for Bio vaguely and not seriously, the topics that I've spotted all came out. Damn happy sial, can crai whey. I'm extremely grateful, praise the Lord! :') I didn't know how to structure my answers properly but I really hope I nailed it. :/ Okay, time to stop ranting about how chilled I am like it's a bad thing and how I managed to do my exams properly. If I jinx it then GG. ._. God, please ah. Let the rest of the papers be manageable also, please. Thank You, Amen. :B
Honestly, I came here to blog about something more serious to free my thoughts but it ended up with this random post. Kinda glad it did; I feel happier now after talking to myself, LOL. I guess my thoughts will have to stay in my head for a while. So many things to voice out, so many confusions to clear up, so many frustrations to get rid of but no one to turn to, sigh. One week down, three weeks to go. Can't wait for my exams to be over. Hang in there, Ru Min.
To end on a lighter note, some eye poetry for you from my favourite photog, IRENE SUCHOCKI.
Cheers, guys. Have a marvellous week. x
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Monday, October 22, 2012 @ 1:45 PM
생명을 사랑.
When I was a really small kid, I always looked up to my seniors in high school and thought I'd never live long enough to experience drama in high school. But here I am right now, seventeen and taking my IGCSEs tomorrow. TOMORROW, MAN. :O Seriously, I should be doing some last minute studying/cramming but I have not been feeling the burn since the whole of last week. Is God giving me reassurance or am I giving myself false hope? I feel I can do it but I'm really afraid that I can't do it well. "If you've studied, you won't feel worried." Someone once told me that. For once, before a test, I don't feel worried at all. Am I kidding myself or am I really ready to ace this? :/
I officially graduated from high school last Friday. It was a happy/sad feeling but for me, it was more of a happy feeling 'cause I'm not so attached to the school; I've only been there for two years. All my friends cried, though. It felt awkward to be standing there with no tears streaming down my cheeks. When I graduated from primary school, I also watched my friends cry (but I laughed at them as well because I was so childish, HAHA). I guess I'm a person who looks forward to the future. Yes, I am kinda sad for leaving everyone but I feel every good thing will come to an end and we'll always have to embrace the future with positive minds. God has better things in store for us. :)
Graduating class of 11 Sigma, 2012. :') We won a freaking trophy for our awesome multimedia presentation!
Friends at my table. :D
I think my only regret that day was I didn't have the guts to take pictures with some people I don't know but I truly admire them. I mean, come on. It's the last day already, just embarrass yourself lah, why so shy? Lebih-lebih lagi, they were all standing around doing nothing but I didn't dare approach them. -_- NVM, by the time prom rolls around, I'd have grown some balls already to request for pictures, LOL. Wait wat.
Actually, I really don't like going on Facebook anymore because the stuff that floods my newsfeed are pictures of my old friends graduating in Kwang Hua. I freaking miss all of them and how I wished I was a part of all the photos as well. I think that's the only thing that makes me really sad. Sri KL has been fairly good to me but I still think my old school's the best. Really miss all the good souls there. It's kinda sad that some of my old friends don't acknowledge me anymore, like they see me as a stranger. It really does hurt because I used to be really close to some of them and we can talk about anything but now, when they see me, it's just some staring, a word of hi then off we go. Of course, I still do have some awesome old friends who still invite me to their gatherings and events. Truly appreciate them for still keeping me in mind. Terharu sial. :')
God made things happen for a reason and I believe my switching of schools is part of His plan. I've never thought I'd learn so much (not in terms of education, though, sadly) from that school. People who knew me before the switch told me that I've become more sociable and outgoing; I couldn't agree more. Last time, I'd stick to myself and don't give much thought to mixing and mingling around with others. I have many friends but I don't really go up and talk to people; I wasn't the least bothered. I think I was also quite immune to others' feelings? HAHA. Yez, I was so self-centred. My new school taught me to care for others, speak better English and never be afraid to speak your mind because your opinions matter as much as others'. Oh, and one more thing : Always watch your back because there'll be people who'll be jealous of your achievements and can't wait to bring you down. That taught me to stop being so naïve and open my eyes wider. Good lessons learnt; I've never been this confident to face people. One step closer to the real world. (Y)
It's friends like these that get me through the years. ♥
I feel like I've grown so much these two years, like age really has taken a toll on me. OMG, I sound like an old lady, hahaha. Seriously, I think I've really grown to be more mature in my thoughts and think twice before giving my two cents worth of opinions. And although I still am impatient, I've learnt to wait longer now. I've also learnt to wear others' shoes more often and tried to understand why people do the stuff they do to annoy me, LOL. But I forgive them lah. OH, AND I FORGIVE PEOPLE MORE EASILY NOWADAYS. I used to bear long grudges and hate a lot because I was so bad-tempered. Well, that's embarrassing. ._. Now, I feel everyone deserves a second chance and there are countless of people who've forgiven me for all my bad deeds (bad deeds, sounds bad, LMAO) so I think I should return the favour. See? I've become such a nice person. People should like me more. :D Unfortunately, my narcissism still exists, too bad. HAHA.
My gosh, exam starts tomorrow! I've not prepared my stationery, my brain and my heart! I HAVE TO GO NAO. MY PEOPLE NEEDS ME. D: Wait wat. God, please please please help me if You think I deserve it.
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Monday, October 15, 2012 @ 10:35 AM
A year has 365 days but you just had to choose a week before my exams to shove all the possible choices into my face and ask me to make a decision immediately THEN you tell me, "Don't worry about it. Focus on your exams first." Are you freaking kidding me? You just came out of nowhere, dumped an entire truckload of ADDITIONAL stress on me THEN ask me to forget about it for the meantime. Are you for real? No, wait. Let me draw a simple picture to make everyone understand what I'm going through.
You're seven years old, and sitting in front of you is a plate of veggies that you seriously don't like but you have to eat them anyway because it's good for you. But the good part is, your parents will let you choose your dessert after that, anything you want. So, there you are, picking at your veggies and cringing at every bite but your mind tells you it's all worth it when you have your favourite Oreo ice-cream later. Then, here comes your parents. They shove two slices of delicious-looking cake, one chocolate and another strawberry, under my nose. But remember, they said YOU CAN CHOOSE what dessert you'd like and you want Oreo ice-cream today.
Your dad asks, "Which one do you want? The chocolate one or the strawberry one?" "I want neither. I want to have Oreo ice-cream today." you say. Your mum stares at you. "No, you can only choose either one of these." "But I thought I had a choice to choose what dessert I'd like to have?" you ask. "Since when did we say that?" your parents exclaims. Your face turns white and you are horrified. "Since the beginning! Since forever! I thought I had the right to choose what I want after I finished up this disgusting plate of broccoli, peas and carrots!" Your parents shakes their heads and states firmly, "Too bad. The choices now are chocolate cake or strawberry cake. Now, pick one or have nothing."
Your heart stings and you feel so betrayed by their words. But the strawberry cake looks quite promising so you pick that one. "But don't you think the chocolate cake looks good?" your dad asks. "I want the strawberry cake." you say. "The chocolate cake tastes really good, too." your mum prompts. "Okay, fine. Chocolate cake for me." you grumble while poking at your peas again. "Alright. You'll regret having the chocolate cake, then. 'Cause look at how rich the cream is on the strawberry cake. Your loss." your dad shrugs. "It's okay. It's her choice, anyway." your mum says.
By then, you are boiling inside. "Let me have the strawberry cake, then!" you scream. Your mum says, "Now, now, dear. Don't be rude. We're giving you the freedom to choose; you don't have to follow what we say. Anyway, I've had enough of this. Chocolate cake for you. It's final." "But I wanted the strawberry cake in the first place!" you hold back your tears for you were a tough seven-year-old kid. Your dad waggles his finger in front of you and says sternly, "Hush now, kid. Don't worry about the dessert. All you have to do now is finish up your veggies first then we talk business." You continue eating your veggies quietly. "But really, the strawberry cake is delicious, I had it once. Heavenly." your mum says. That's the final straw. "I WANT THE STRAWBERRY CAKE! I WANT IT!" you shriek at the top of your lungs. Both your parents stare at you for a moment, ignore you completely and lumber upstairs. "Finish up your veggies first!" your mum shout from above.
First, they said you can CHOOSE whatever dessert you desired as long as you finished up your veggies so you planned to have your favourite Oreo ice-cream. But they didn't keep their word and got you two slices of cake, one chocolate and one strawberry, and asked you to CHOOSE again. So, you CHOSE the strawberry cake. But Dad said the chocolate cake looks good so being an obedient kid, you CHOSE the chocolate cake. Later, he said the strawberry cake looks delicious. You were extremely frustrated because you CHOSE the strawberry cake in the first place! Anyway, you wanted the strawberry cake again but they conveniently shoved the chocolate cake to you and said the decision was final. You're gonna have the chocolate cake. End of story? No. They said don't worry about it and concentrate on finishing up your veggies. And so you did. There you sat, quietly eating every disgusting piece of green item off your plate when suddenly Mum mentioned how yummy the strawberry cake tasted the last time she had it.
You had it. These frustrations and confusions were too much to handle for a seven-year-old. You burst. And what did your parents do? Nothing. They forgot that they were the ones who caused everything. They left you there, hanging. On your own. Alone. They went on with their lives. But they didn't forget to tell you to finish up your veggies. How ironic. All they cared about was your veggies.
Yea, that's pretty much how things are with me right now. But the magnitude of the events aren't as small and simple as having veggies, cakes and ice-cream. The veggies actually represent my major exams; the ice-cream is what I want to do in the future; cakes are what THEY want me to do in life and where THEY want me to go. Fine, I can't have ice-cream, I'll have cake instead. But nooo. They have to choose the FLAVOUR for me as well, WTH. What was it about me having the right to CHOOSE? What does freedom to choose actually mean to you? As long as it's something to do with me, that freedom doesn't apply, right? Why even bother asking what I want to do, where I want to go, my opinions, my dreams when I have NO SAY in this? This, as in, my future. MY future. Not YOUR future. Okay, fine. While you're at it, please choose the colour my coffin as well and where you'd like to bury me when I die. Oh, wait. Maybe you want me to be cremated, I don't know. I have NO SAY when it comes to anything to do with ME, right? 'Cause I'm not ME, right? You are ME, right? Gosh.
Don't even bother asking me to concentrate in my studies. How am I supposed to study? I am utterly confused. I wake up at 4am everyday with these things running through my mind but I can't do anything about it. And if I really did study, you'd just assume I was playing the entire week and going out on weekends, right? I don't even see the point in proving to you whether I study or not. After all, if I really got a scholarship with my results, you guys don't even want me to use it just because you want me to go where YOU want me to go, right? If you wanted me to focus on my studies and worry later, you wouldn't have enlightened me (so enlightening!) with all this nonsense and tell me to decide NOW. This stress is killing me. I'm going nuts; I can't even think straight or talk properly. The things I've said lately to anyone come out gibberish. This sucks, okay. I wish I had someone to talk to, provided they can understand my nonsense-talking.
Mum? Mum. I'm dying, mum. I'm dying inside. Give me time and I'll give you an answer. No guarantees now that my results will be good because I can no longer focus. I'll apologise first if my results turn out like crap, okay. But really, you and dad, stop. Just stop it, please.
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Monday, October 1, 2012 @ 3:55 PM
So many thoughts have been running through my mind lately. Random thoughts, serious thoughts, heartfelt thoughts, thoughts about my future, about people, about things... I don't know, I'm confused. Overwhelmed, in fact. So very. I don't mind letting my mind run wild once in a while but they're really taking up a lot of my time as I sit and wonder about things that I can do nothing about. My IGCSE is merely 23 days away, not even a month. Every time I feel that I've studied enough and feel confident, stuff I don't know will just jump out of nowhere. And it's like I'm lost, I don't know where I'm heading to. What am I supposed to study? Which of the topics are in my syllabus? Am I taking in too much unnecessary info? My God, please help me. "Studying is endless, bottomless. It'll never end." Wise words from my mum. Am I prepared? That's the ultimate question I've been asking myself since the past few months. I can (not so proudly) say that I'm not. I'm not prepared at all.
I keep thinking about the things I want to do after my exams. Things I'd like to do. Places that I'd like to go. Friends I'd like to hang out with. They're clogging up my mind but I can't seem to get rid of them. And the internet, it's slowly consuming my entire soul. I don't have Tumblr but OTHER people's Tumblrs are enough to get me addicted; thank God I don't own one (although it'd be nice). There's Facebook, Twitter, 9gag, etc. Places where everyone goes to hide from the world of real interaction. I don't know why I'm so addicted to them; I can go online five times a day without doing anything, such a waste of time. It's the people there that feed my addiction, I guess. I think it's time for another round of fasting. :/
I've been listening to so many Coldplay songs and I've forced many people to listen to their songs. Seriously, EVERY song of theirs is smashingly good! Well, except for Hurts Like Heaven (Hafiza, please don't kill me). Not really my type but maybe it's because I've not listened to it long enough. Coldplay is like the entire reason why I want an iPod Nano/Touch/whatever now. I can listen to their songs all day on repeat. Chris Martin, I love your voice. :') I feel like buying their Mylo Xyloto album, too. It might cost me a bomb but I think it's a rather worthy bomb, haha. I can really connect with their song lyrics and the meanings behind them. So gonna learn how to play ALL their songs after my exam. On my bucket list! :D
Gosh, I've been so emotional about practically everything lately and I really hate it. I've always been a strong person and the one people run to when THEY have an emotional breakdown. I freaking cried when I watched Coldplay's Paradise MV, the crap? My friends think I'm nuts and I'm going berserk. They're blaming it all on exam stress. Perhaps so. I'd love to blame it all on pressure but I know that's not the real reason why I'm acting this weird. Actually, I don't know why I'm being so emotional either; it's so freaking annoying to have mixed emotions for no reason. WTH is wrong with me? Get a grip of yourself, Ru Min!
On a lighter note, October is here. Time really does fly, doesn't it? Today is Bryan and Aijean's birthday, yay! It's really cool that they're born on the same day. AND I MET BOTH OF THEM IN META 3 THREE YEARS AGO. Wow, my friends instantly +2, not forever alone already, HAHA. Okay, I shall dedicate birthday wishes to these two awesome peeps just because I can. :D
Dude, I think it's really cool that we both wanted to sideshave, get a freaking STAR tattoo (but we can't, of course :/) and dipdye. The minute we told each other about this, it felt like we were some long lost Ong twins reuniting whey, big deal enough to throw a party, HAHAHA. Kinda creepy but it's like a sign from God that great minds think alike. :D
We've been friends for three years now. Not long a time but it's a really meaningful friendship, to me. I still remember the first time you asked me to jump during P&W in Meta 3 and in my mind I was like, "The heck is this dude's problem? I don't even know you, bro! You can't make me! NO." HAHAHA, sorry lah, too shy liaoz. I'm still not jumping, though. :B And the Rocky stick I passed to you when all of us campers were chilling in the balcony. I've never stretched so much in my life just to pass you the Rocky stick because you were on the balcony above ours. I think I've grown a few inches taller after that, HAHAHA. Can't believe it actually happened. And gosh, the nonsense we talk about, EPIC lah. And endless, too. You've taught me well, master. *bows* HAHAHA. I love the convos we shared no matter how lebih or serious they are; I've learnt so much from you. :') Ermahgerd, lahv you lah, bbz. I'm so happee that you're finally nineteen. Okay, now here's the part where you cry since you're so terharu already. HAHAHA. Blessed 19th, bbz!
Aijeaaan. And Ryan Higa, of course, haha. You lucky girl.
You've grown so much since the first time I met you (physically and mentally, haha). I remember asking you to sit on my lap on the first day of Meta 3, LOL. Too cute already lah you. :3 But not anymore since you've become so pretty! :) Long/short hair fits you perfectly well, I'd have to say. And God, you're hilarious, man. Remember the prank calls we received during camp? Your five-bucks-skinny-jeans comeback, DAYUM. HAHAHA. I pity that guy, though. :P You're finally fifteen and your PMR is SO soon but I'm sure you'll do perfectly well. :) And yes, it's time you get your butt off the internet and do some last minute studying, ermahgerd! Dato Onn Jaafar and Tun Tan Cheng Lock waiting for you in your Sejarah textbook whey, don't disappoint them. Later our country cannot dibebaskan from the orang Inggeris then it's all your fault. HAHAHA, nonsense betul. Keep doing what you do best, alright? I still read your blog (and Poor Kids' blog, LMAO) so remember to update after your PMR. :D Happy 15th birthday, iJean! :*
Omai, I just love these people. :)
Omai, I just love these people. :)
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