Tuesday, July 23, 2013 @ 11:03 PM
"Tell me more about yourself."
That's by far the hardest question I have ever answered. Tell you more about myself? What do you want to know about me? What's there to know? I'm not even as deep as the kiddie's pool and there's nothing exciting about my life. I am a very mundane person with a boring lifestyle. I am so mediocre that my grades are good but they are not good enough. I have taken up many skills because of my interests but sadly, I am not interested enough to pursue them wholeheartedly and excel in them. I know how to do things well but I don't do them well enough. I'm the sort of person who is always stuck in the middle of everything - my interests, my relationships, the line in Starbucks, in traffic jams. Just the right adjective to describe a middle child.
"What are your special achievements?"
My mind goes blank. What are my special achievements? I don't think I have any. I have never achieved anything deemed special. Like I've said, I'm so mediocre that all my achievements are also achieved by others - what's so special about that? I wished I have pursued harder in life but my mind constantly tells me that I am doing so, I am striving for excellence. Sometimes, I wonder whether my mind is playing tricks on me, convincing me that I am actually working hard for my future but in actual fact, there are many others who have worked thrice as hard for the same thing I want. I acknowledged this fact and told my parents about it and they just looked really sad. "You should give yourself more credit for the things you've done, Ru Min." I wonder how hard it was for them to say those words, to lie, when all I saw was disappointment written all over their faces. And it upsetted me that they had to give in to lying to me when they could've just said, "You're so lazy, that's why you will always be mediocre. Why don't you ever try to work harder and do better when you clearly know you can?"
I didn't know how to answer their mock interview questions. They told me the right answers but my brain just could not comprehend any of them. I wonder since when my mind has learnt how to drift and lose focus on important things. And then, I asked myself, Are these things even important to you? I told my parents that I've thought about suicide before and as usual, they thought I was nuts and told me to stop talking nonsense. But I'm glad to know that they're those types of parents who'd actually listen to their children when they start talking about this sort of "nonsense" although a part of them still think I'm being ridiculous.
"I think maybe, one day, I will commit suicide."
"You'll go straight to hell, then."
"I know, and that's exactly the reason why I won't."
But the thought of it is still very unhealthy. I know I'll think like this when the stress gets too heavy or when I am feeling empty. I don't tell anyone but I think my parents seem to know and they always ask me whether I can handle everything. Those times make me feel the worst because I'm not even handling the stress on my own; I always express myself when I'm stressed so my stress is always shared among my parents, my friends and me. I want others to be stressed with me so that I won't feel alone and that's exactly why I hate myself for that. I'm clearly not handling everything on my own and yet I'm so mentally weak to even handle the portion of stress left with me until I contemplate suicide. Many of my friends go through more life-challenging incidents everyday and they keep it all to themselves. Why am I not made like that?
We just had an argument. Disappointment is splayed all over their faces, nothing new. Tomorrow is the day of the interview and I have answered every question unprofessionally with a hint of ignorance. I am so unprepared that only God can give me a miracle. People always think I am so hardworking and I thought I was, too. I even take pride in being such a diligent person. Who am I kidding? I am not - not at all; I am just very blessed. I can't help but wonder when will be the day when my blessings run dry.
I really hope something good will come out of all these things I've been worrying about everyday.
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Whisk me away
Friday, July 19, 2013 @ 3:20 PM
NO. WHO AM I KIDDING. HOW CAN YOU BE RATIONAL WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY.
Anyway, let's see the situation at hand right now. I've been back for more than two weeks and it's my longest break for the year (close to a month). I have decided that this break will be a REAL break for me, not like the previous one where I was more focused on my studies to prepare for my Semester 1 exams. Nevertheless, I did go out a few times (four times max in a period of two weeks) that time and my parents reluctantly agreed. That made me feel bad so although this break is my longest one yet, I've decided to go out less to lessen their burdens (but it's not like they have to fetch me anywhere or whatever because I can freaking drive that's why I don't see why my outings are such a burden to them). I know I've been complaining a lot lately like why my friends don't want to go out with me or some whiny shit but I've finally realised actually there are people who want to hang out with me but I have been turning down their invitations to accommodate my parents. To those friends whom I said I can't go out with because I'm busy/have work to do/no transport :
Sorry, guys. I lied. I'm actually damn free and rotting at home and I have a freaking car. But it's not like I don't want to; I'm dying to, actually. I'm only lacking PERMISSION to go out but that's because I didn't ask.
Well, I finally asked my mum today. Guess what happened?
BOOM BOOM POW POW BANG BANG PEW PEW PEW CRASH AND BURN.
That's right, World War III happened. Surprise, surprise. She said I went out too many times this holiday. I think my brain stopped working for a moment and my eyes rolled back and I collapsed and died.
But let me count for you the number of times I REALLY went somewhere nice with my friends and did something productive. Bear with me, it might take a while and I need a calculator for this.
.
.
.
Phew, finally got it! I didn't take long, did I? It was a tough one, really. Had to do a lot of factorising and substituting, you know. The usuals. You should've seen me swimming in the pool of numbers! Anyway, here's my answer :
.
.
.
One.
WOW, RU MIN. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU. DO YOU REALISE HOW MANY TIMES YOU HAVE BEEN OUT THIS HOLIDAY? One. One. Freaking. Time. That's way too many times. WAY TOO MANY TIMES. I MEAN, IT'S LIKE YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS WITH YOUR WORK ANYMORE! 9.9/10 FOR YOUR GPA? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? WHERE DID THE 0.1 GO? Yea, that's right. THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT. YOU LOST IT WHEN YOU WERE ON YOUR WAY TO FIND YOUR FRIENDS. It all makes sense now. PERFECT sense. You have been having WAY too much fun. No wonder you're doing so badly. For once, just be sensible. Why don't you tidy up your room as if you haven't already done it and maybe do those questions that you've completed centuries ago? Really, Ru Min. So disappointing. You should start concentrating in your studies if you want to succeed in life. THINK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE. YOUR FUTUREEE.
Okay, maybe I should focus more on MY FUTUREEE like I don't do it every single freaking second when I am having fun doing my goddamn questions online where the system keeps crashing and my answers go missing and I have to redo the whole freaking lot again. And yea, perhaps I shouldn't go out so often, too. I mean, wow. One time, that's a lot. Since when have I gotten this wild, OMG? I scare myself sometimes. I should go out less, like negative times, and slowly sink into my bed because I have been sitting in the same position for 12938134 days. Yea, you're right. You're so right. What was I thinking? I really should listen to you more.
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