Sunday, June 8, 2014 @ 11:22 PM
I've slowly came to accept the fact that I'll always feel uncomfortable in church. I feel Him during P&W; I understand Him through the words of the pastor; I love how His presence overwhelms me every time I pray. As I type this, my heart pounds in my chest and I can't help but wonder whether this is due to excitement or fear. Or both. But is it possible that one will never belong in a church? I think it is. I feel like I'm floating on the surface of every conversation I share with the people there. A sense of dissociation from the rest. A sense of urgency to leave when the service is over. It often puzzles me as to why people hang around after church to mingle with each other. Is it purely because they enjoy the company of other churchgoers? Do people discuss the sermon after service and their thoughts about it? Or do they always judge the newcomer like, "Oh, my God... Did you see what she wore just now? I know, right... To church! Goodness." How off-putting.
I realised I have the ability to leave. Yea, an ability. Like a skill, much to my wow. I didn't know it meant something until I found out people around me actually had difficulties doing it. Leaving something, someone, somewhere. It doesn't affect me to leave anything behind. And I always left without notice, which apparently was really cruel according to some friends as it showed a lack of accountability (sorry, didn't know). Is it an advantage to feel absolutely nothing at all when I leave my loved ones behind? Is it because I'm so used to leaving until I am desensitised by the act of it? Sometimes, I think that I look forward way too much. Like I am too focused with what's ahead of me to look back and see what I've left behind. Literally me living the phrase of "no turning back". It really astounds me as to nothing can be strong enough to hold me back, to make me miss it, to cause me to stay. How would I feel if I was left behind? I don't know.
The consequence of constant leaving is probably the feeling of dissociation, then. I leave before I can be connected to a person. Or the church, in this case. If it doesn't feel right, I leave. If it's affecting me, I leave. If I need change, I leave. It's so easy for me to leave until now I think it's so cowardly to do so even though I always strive to work things out and make the situation better. Wait, do I really think it's cowardly? Is it?
The thing is, leaving something behind makes me search for something better. And this newfound hope is enough to drive me. I think I just found another issue - the feeling of dissatisfaction. I get bored easily with what I get/have achieved although I might appreciate it greatly. Which is probably why I leave without hesitation to find something new/better/more satisfying... Oh, Ru Min. What is this. *inserts annoyed emoji* (Or should I say dis, hurrr. I'm so funny.) Anyway, back to dissociation. I went to church today after months of absence. People seemed happy to bask in each other's company as well as God's presence. I felt so out of place as if my presence would disrupt their happy circle. Maybe that's why I like to leave fast. And also maybe that's why I don't have happy connections with church people. Happy connections. Church people. Wat.
I'm starting to annoy myself so I'll stop. Probs continue this personal reflection some other time. Oh, did I mention that we have to write up a reflection component for EVERY assignment we do in med so it'll train us to be a "reflective medical practitioner" in the future? LOLLL. Senti. Probs why I've been reflecting extra much these days, hahaha.
Okay, back to my endless assignments. Kill meee. #medlyfe #unilyfe #whateverlyfe #WHATLYFE #hashtags #why
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Whisk me away