So I had too many things to do, and was down with luck too, with things going wrong one after another; things that shouldn't go wrong, went wrong and more to come.
Previously, I already understood the situation about my mum so well, that I have already concluded a fact, that I mustn't tell her anything bad about my business, or she will just bother me with stupid reminders like these, and it will definitely make me go berserk as I have already explained it millions times through these 2 years, and she keep forgetting and misunderstanding, a endless loop to madness. So here's a archive.
- 不要接那么多生意。- as if I have a lot of business to start off with. And work is agreed on mostly months in advance. How will I know I will be stressed out by certain few clients then? I only have 2 years of full time experience. She should just go out and work and meet bosses and all.
- 不可以早一点睡？自己当老板当到这样。 Client say by tonight 11pm pls pls pls. Nearer to deadline still say things are not right, watermark not nice, wrong place, can change this can change that, can send this, can send that, is that all the photos you have got? It's not the shots I want, please help to scan your photos more?
So what? Sleep and ignore all these? Mind you, it's just 1 client described above. Enough to burn the days off after a half day shoot.
Who's the boss?
And there's so many dumb stuff that the mum will keep rattling on and on (endless loop), shall stop it here and continue what I wanted to say.
I did the wrong move (AGAIN) to tell her that I am very stress, and because she always keep rattling off nonsense which I have explained to her so many times, so can she PLEASE don't disturb me for today.
Then she went into the first killer line for 2 times, so I went berserk, because from the past experience, this will only be the start, and she will went off again and again the whole day, up till weeks. The whole traumatic past activtated, and my mood was fast forwarded to berserk mode, with the following reactions.
- couldn't make good logic.
- just wanted to destroy everything, including my life, but I can't, so I had to find ways to finish off certain things too, then it's added stress, and the whole thing will snowball until I fill up the stress gauge.
- humanly rules to make me a good person are all inverted. Meaning, if a person is bad to me, I may end up killing that person. This is a very dangerous thing, because as a person went into depression, he/she will do weird things like stoning on the street, on some main road (the brain's natural shutdown reaction towards people, and wanting to gain attention to themselves, hoping that someone will help them in anyway). For those who don't understand their weird behaviours, may end up scolding him or worst case, bullying them if they look like a mess. This will thus activate their berserker mode to give off steam, and they will be killed in the worst possible way; it's like their TOTAL inverted self, which is a hard to understand fact for those who haven't experience it themselves. (yes now I am beginning to understand what bipolar is).
So I went off the house, slightly keeping my cameras violently since I couldn't control my emotions to DESTROY everything in my way. Hope it didn't damage anything, but I am already having trouble. The family won't understand and listen to my words to help me back; another characteristics reason why people end up in depression (no one listens to them). Had tried my best to control the anger beast, warning myself that if I really destroyed anything in accordance to the brain's plea to "gather attention" to my own words through a certain adnormal reaction (cos I don't get angry often, and I don't like to anyway). I palm myself violently on the head multiple times, clap my hand together violently as a result from controlling myself to do damages which are "irreversible". If I didn't control, it could become more serious, and things like punching off the cupboard door, throwing the camera out of the windows, burning down the whole house, killing the whole family and committing suicide are all highly possible options (in fact, all these could be done). I know this, because it actually went through my mind! Am glad that with my years of learning meditation and Emotional Intelligence, I manage to contain it to just some ways to "let off steam", but resulting in temporary pain by hitting myself. I hope I don't end up cutting off my own hand or something.
So I keep the camera, unfortunately letting 1 of the camera (d600 with 11-16mm fixed on) roll off my kneeling position. I went even more angry with myself for damaging things, so I screamed nonsense and words that I want people to understand, but I know they won't, getting into the endless loop to madness since the more I think about this, the more depressed (and angry of my life) I will be. Finally, packing the laptop into my luggage bag.
Before I went off, the logical me knew that mum will be worried, so I told her I need to be alone to do soem work, be back at 11pm.
Took my trolley camera bag, went off.
Then an episode of depression came.
I went on to wait at the traffic for 7-10 rounds of crossing. Standing there like a weird person in his own world. Some people I knew saw me I guess, but only 1 greeted me (friend's mum), and I gave very short answers to her questions. Am sure she could tell that I am not my normal self. Since I only look at the floor, my own hands, back bending, appearing to curl up the top body while standing. Looked at no other person at all, except to stay in my own world, emotionless, not even wondering about anything beside trying to do weird things I won't do normally.
My breath became very short. I noticed I didn't inhale much. Another part of me is telling me, that I had to make myself breathe, if not, I am afraid that with the lack of oxygen, the mental condition will only get worse.
Totally ignored the world, as the brain just want to shutdown itself completely from anyone, with no rules governing the person. No regards given to what will happen to what other people will think about us in future, don't care if we become a nuisance to others, don't care about anything that we have always cared about... normally, saving lives and making the world a better place to live in, is my top rule in life. But I actually don't care (at all) if I let off my steam and try killing a bird on the grass patch by going full force into chasing it; The brain just feels like expending out ALL ounce of energy to destroy everything.
So the final twist came in.. I prayed to Buddha out of no reason, and continue to be depressed. Other adnormal thoughts came in (as this brain that I am using is trained to be creative in work and daily life to solve daily problems). End up squatting down, leaning my head onto the luggage.
After 5 mins, suddenly an image came into my mind.
I remember seeing another girl who are well dressed up at the Park Mall busstop, but she was sitting down on the floor with the seat just behind her. At that time I had wanted to talk to her to show some concern, hoping I could help her ease her problems. Some other lady came up to ask if she is ok before I did, she immediately seemed ok, and went back up the seat. I guess a part of the conscious just want someone to show just a little concern for the self, and she would feel much much better.
Then this helpful Jiahe self took over the mind.
Jiahe just wanted to help
jiahe, and he immediately knew that in order to ease the stress, the only way is to finish the load of work, and not let
little jiahe spiral further into depression. Then
Jiahe took over the consciousness. Immediately, positive energy came back into the body, the mind feels energetic, so I didn't some quick stretches to increase blood flow to the brain, and
Jiahe went on to have his meal, and came here to archive down this findings.
It just feels like a complete different self a sec ago. As my awareness of my own "self" is trained, I noticed that the energy just filled up within 2-3 seconds, life came back. It's a amazing feeling, and I haven't heard or read of such experiences of others before. Somehow, I feel that this may be related to how Bipolar disorder occur. For worse case, 2 separately characters may appear with very different behaviours in an individual, somehow the "stronger" self appearing to save the weaker self (as learnt from a Hong Kong TV serial 读心神探 ，starting from about episode 17 to the end 20
http://www.youku.com/show_page/id_z9736a0382cec11df97c0.html)
Lucky I wasn't bullied till it become serious, so I was able to gain back control over the whole things without causing some serious repercussions.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm
And this feeling, suddenly it's like the time when I got depression, and I went to the hostel to stay with the kind hearted Jenn Bing, and lived emotionless for the next 3-4 days. Sleeping in complete dreamless nights, and working emotionless with maximum efficiency; a weird adnormal way for the body to behave since it's not suppose to be even "able" to perform this way.
Ending off with a few new found fact (a theory that I believed that it's true).
- person with high EQ, would have in some ways, suffered from bad traumatic experiences which they are lucky to have recovered from.
- The happier a person is, the sadder they must have felt before in some parts of their lives, so the amount of sadness and happiness one can portrait in life is a direct
balanced reflection of the other.
Now, I just wish
Jiahe and
jiahe all the best.... In the end, am glad that I still manage to find
Jiahe somehow to save the day. Hope I can do more work now then.... become stronger and help future people.
2.03pm updates......
after reading through the updated link above.. I realised I was actually with bipolar... -__-
Details are below, for complete future references.... read under "
Common symptoms of bipolar depression include:".. my heighten energy is a result of being in "Mania" state.......
___________________________________
Details from the link above.
Bipolar Disorder Signs & Symptoms
Recognizing Mania, Hypomania and Bipolar Depression
What is bipolar disorder?
You can help yourself feel better!
Bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) causes serious shifts in mood, energy, thinking, and behavior—from the highs of mania on one extreme, to the lows of depression on the other. More than just a fleeting good or bad mood, the cycles of bipolar disorder last for days, weeks, or months. And unlike ordinary mood swings, the mood changes of bipolar disorder are so intense that they interfere with your ability to function.
During a manic episode, a person might impulsively quit a job, charge up huge amounts on credit cards, or feel rested after sleeping two hours. During a depressive episode, the same person might be too tired to get out of bed and full of self-loathing and hopelessness over being unemployed and in debt.
The causes of bipolar disorder aren’t completely understood, but it often runs in families. The first manic or depressive episode of bipolar disorder usually occurs in the teenage years or early adulthood. The symptoms can be subtle and confusing, so many people with bipolar disorder are overlooked or misdiagnosed—resulting in unnecessary suffering. But with proper treatment and support, you can lead a rich and fulfilling life.
Myths and Facts About Bipolar Disorder
Myth: People with bipolar disorder can’t get better or lead a normal life.
Fact: Many people with bipolar disorder have successful careers, happy family lives, and satisfying relationships. Living with bipolar disorder is challenging. But with treatment, healthy coping skills, and a solid support system, you can live fully while managing your symptoms.
Myth: People with bipolar disorder swing back and forth between mania and depression.
Fact: Some people alternate between extreme episodes of mania and depression, but most are depressed more often than they are manic. Mania may also be so mild that it goes unrecognized. People with bipolar disorder can also go for long stretches without symptoms.
Myth: Bipolar disorder only affects mood.
Fact: Bipolar disorder also affects your energy level, judgment, memory, concentration, appetite, sleep patterns, sex drive, and self-esteem. Additionally, bipolar disorder has been linked to anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems such as diabetes, heart disease, migraines, and high blood pressure.
Myth: Aside from taking medication, there is nothing you can do to control bipolar disorder.
Fact: While medication is the foundation of bipolar disorder treatment, therapy and self-help strategies also play important roles. You can help control your symptoms by exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, eating right, monitoring your moods, keeping stress to a minimum, and surrounding yourself with supportive people.
Signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder
Bipolar disorder can look very different in different people. The symptoms vary widely in their pattern, severity, and frequency. Some people are more prone to either mania or depression, while others alternate equally between the two types of episodes. Some have frequent mood disruptions, while others experience only a few over a lifetime.
There are four types of mood episodes in bipolar disorder: mania, hypomania, depression, and mixed episodes. Each type of bipolar disorder mood episode has a unique set of symptoms.
Signs and symptoms of mania
In the manic phase of bipolar disorder, feelings of heightened energy, creativity, and euphoria are common. People experiencing a manic episode often talk a mile a minute, sleep very little, and are hyperactive. They may also feel like they’re all-powerful, invincible, or destined for greatness.
But while mania feels good at first, it has a tendency to spiral out of control. People often behave recklessly during a manic episode: gambling away savings, engaging in inappropriate sexual activity, or making foolish business investments, for example. They may also become angry, irritable, and aggressive—picking fights, lashing out when others don’t go along with their plans, and blaming anyone who criticizes their behavior. Some people even become delusional or start hearing voices.
Hypomania symptoms
Hypomania is a less severe form of mania. People in a hypomanic state feel euphoric, energetic, and productive, but they are able to carry on with their day-to-day lives and they never lose touch with reality. To others, it may seem as if people with hypomania are merely in an unusually good mood. However, hypomania can result in bad decisions that harm relationships, careers, and reputations. In addition, hypomania often escalates to full-blown mania or is followed by a major depressive episode.
Common signs and symptoms of mania include:
- Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
- Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
- Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
- Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
- Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
- Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
- Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
- Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
- Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)
Signs and symptoms of bipolar depression
In the past, bipolar depression was lumped in with
regular depression. But a growing body of research suggests that there are significant differences between the two, especially when it comes to recommended treatments. Most people with bipolar depression are not helped by antidepressants. In fact, there is a risk that antidepressants can make bipolar disorder worse—triggering mania or hypomania, causing rapid cycling between mood states, or interfering with other mood stabilizing drugs.
Despite many similarities, certain symptoms are more common in bipolar depression than in regular depression. For example, bipolar depression is more likely to involve irritability, guilt, unpredictable mood swings, and feelings of restlessness. People with bipolar depression also tend to move and speak slowly, sleep a lot, and gain weight. In addition, they are more likely to develop psychotic depression—a condition in which they’ve lost contact with reality—and to experience major disability in work and social functioning.
Common symptoms of bipolar depression include:
- Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
- Irritability
- Inability to experience pleasure
- Fatigue or loss of energy
- Physical and mental sluggishness
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- Appetite or weight changes
- Sleep problems
- Concentration and memory problems
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
- Thoughts of death or suicide
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Signs and symptoms of a mixed episode
A mixed episode of bipolar disorder features symptoms of both mania or hypomania and depression. Common signs of a mixed episode include depression combined with agitation, irritability, anxiety, insomnia, distractibility, and racing thoughts. This combination of high energy and low mood makes for a particularly high risk of suicide.
The different faces of bipolar disorder
- Bipolar I Disorder (mania or a mixed episode) – The classic manic-depressive form of the illness, characterized by at least one manic episode or mixed episode. Usually—but not always—Bipolar I Disorder also involves at least one episode of depression.
- Bipolar II Disorder (hypomania and depression) – In Bipolar II disorder, the person doesn’t experience full-blown manic episodes. Instead, the illness involves episodes of hypomania and severe depression.
- Cyclothymia (hypomania and mild depression) – Cyclothymia is a milder form of bipolar disorder. It consists of cyclical mood swings. However, the symptoms are less severe than full-blown mania or depression.
Treatment for bipolar disorder
If you spot the symptoms of bipolar depression in yourself or someone else, don’t wait to get help. Ignoring the problem won’t make it go away; in fact, it will almost certainly get worse. Living with untreated bipolar disorder can lead to problems in everything from your career to your relationships to your health. Diagnosing the problem as early as possible and
getting into treatment can help prevent these complications.
If you’re reluctant to seek treatment because you like the way you feel when you’re manic, remember that the energy and euphoria come with a price. Mania and hypomania often turn destructive, hurting you and the people around you.
Basics of bipolar disorder treatment
Bipolar disorder requires long-term treatment. Since bipolar disorder is a chronic, relapsing illness, it’s important to continue treatment even when you’re feeling better. Most people with bipolar disorder need medication to prevent new episodes and stay symptom-free.
There is more to treatment than medication. Medication alone is usually not enough to fully control the symptoms of bipolar disorder. The most effective treatment strategy for bipolar disorder involves a combination of medication, therapy, lifestyle changes, and social support.
It’s best to work with an experienced psychiatrist. Bipolar disorder is a complex condition. Diagnosis can be tricky and treatment is often difficult. For safety reasons, medication should be closely monitored. A psychiatrist who is skilled in bipolar disorder treatment can help you navigate these twists and turns.
Self-help for bipolar disorder
While dealing with bipolar disorder isn’t always easy, it doesn’t have to run your life. But in order to
successfully manage bipolar disorder, you have to make smart choices. Your lifestyle and daily habits have a significant impact on your moods. Read on for ways to help yourself:
Get educated. Learn as much as you can about bipolar disorder. The more you know, the better you’ll be at assisting your own recovery.
Keep stress in check. Avoid high-stress situations, maintain a healthy work-life balance, and try relaxation techniques such as meditation, yoga, or deep breathing.
Seek support. It’s important to have people you can turn to for help and encouragement. Try joining a support group or talking to a trusted friend.
Make healthy choices. Healthy sleeping, eating, and exercising habits can help stabilize your moods. Keeping a regular sleep schedule is particularly important.
Monitor your moods. Keep track of your symptoms and watch for signs that your moods are swinging out of control so you can stop the problem before it starts.
Bipolar disorder and suicide
The depressive phase of bipolar disorder is often very severe, and
suicide is a major risk factor. In fact, people suffering from bipolar disorder are more likely to attempt suicide than those suffering from regular depression. Furthermore, their suicide attempts tend to be more lethal.
The risk of suicide is even higher in people with bipolar disorder who have frequent depressive episodes, mixed episodes, a history of alcohol or drug abuse, a family history of suicide, or an early onset of the disease.
The warning signs of suicide include:
- Talking about death, self-harm, or suicide
- Feeling hopeless or helpless
- Feeling worthless or like a burden to others
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- Acting recklessly, as if one has a “death wish”
- Putting affairs in order or saying goodbye
- Seeking out weapons or pills that could be used to commit suicide
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Important
It’s very important to take any thoughts or talk of suicide seriously. If you or someone you care about is suicidal, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the U.S. at 1-800-273-TALK
or visit Befrienders Worldwide to find a helpline in your country.
Bipolar disorder causes and triggers
Bipolar disorder has no single cause. It appears that certain people are genetically predisposed to bipolar disorder. Yet not everyone with an inherited vulnerability develops the illness, indicating that genes are not the only cause. Some brain imaging studies show physical changes in the brains of people with bipolar disorder. Other research points to neurotransmitter imbalances, abnormal thyroid function, circadian rhythm disturbances, and high levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
External environmental and psychological factors are also believed to be involved in the development of bipolar disorder. These external factors are called triggers. Triggers can set off new episodes of mania or depression or make existing symptoms worse. However, many bipolar disorder episodes occur without an obvious trigger.
Stress – Stressful life events can trigger bipolar disorder in someone with a genetic vulnerability. These events tend to involve drastic or sudden changes—either good or bad—such as getting married, going away to college, losing a loved one, getting fired, or moving.
Substance Abuse – While substance abuse doesn’t cause bipolar disorder, it can bring on an episode and worsen the course of the disease. Drugs such as cocaine, ecstasy, and amphetamines can trigger mania, while alcohol and tranquilizers can trigger depression.
Medication – Certain medications, most notably antidepressant drugs, can trigger mania. Other drugs that can cause mania include over-the-counter cold medicine, appetite suppressants, caffeine, corticosteroids, and thyroid medication.
Seasonal Changes – Episodes of mania and depression often follow a seasonal pattern. Manic episodes are more common during the summer, and depressive episodes more common during the fall, winter, and spring.
Sleep Deprivation – Loss of sleep—even as little as skipping a few hours of rest—can trigger an episode of mania.
There are various mystical martial arts that use the idea of chi as a fighting method. Masters of such martial arts claim to be able to knock opponents unconscious with a gentle touch, or to physically hit or throw them from a distance without even touching them. You can visit such a dojo and observe that the techniques seem to be very effective - it seems like the martial artist actually has jedi-like powers.
There are various mystical martial arts that use the idea of chi as a fighting method. Masters of such martial arts claim to be able to knock opponents unconscious with a gentle touch, or to physically hit or throw them from a distance without even touching them. You can visit such a dojo and observe that the techniques seem to be very effective - it seems like the martial artist actually has jedi-like powers.
