withering away the last few moments before being on this earth officially for two decades...

havent been feeling emotionally and mentally stable the past week. i think im getting adapted to uni lifestyle, and the different kinds of people in here.

felt ultimately lousy. cried 3 times last week. i guess it was due to a few factors:
1. i dont feel as close to sheares people as i used to partly due to the fact that new freshies came in and i didnt know them, and i feel its difficult to get to know them as well as i did with ock...
2. archi pple are really "devoted" to work. quote my tutor "architecture is a superficial profession."
enough said.
3. i miss home.

many times i realised the ock girls werent around when there are certain activities, and vice versa. so i felt really alone at those points in time. work was overloading especially since i missed the first week. i felt like im the only person facing this whole load of stuff, WHICH IS IN FACT TRUE. i had so many things to do, which i dont want to do, and sometimes it was too much to take.

i didnt have time to miss my production crew, i didnt have time to clean my room (which seriously looked like a dumping ground) i didnt have time to eat, i didnt have time for a panadol, i didnt have time to cry. walking to lessons, waking up and sleeping at bizzare hours... physically i felt alright, but mentally my soul was literally sucked out of my body to shang tsung (think mortal kombat).

when i cried, the ock girls were there for me. when i cried, my mom was there for me. when i cried, i was alone. crying really makes one feel better. i pity guys who cant cry in front of everyone. no wonder they have residing hairline much earlier than women. at least i have time to cry...

mel gave me a very very cute (or so she says) hamster that is meant for my bdae... :) thanks mel... i DIDNT name it "melfy" haha... i DIDNT name it "tohweiling" as waylon suggested... i DIDNT name it "tit" after waylon, and i didnt name it after a certain someone hahaha...

its called chunky :)

i dont care if darius is right by saying that the old chang kee days are over, i dont care if we are already frittered. i just want to hold on to what little i have in sheares, and i choose to live in the good times. doesnt everyone deserve that right?

2 more days and im going to be 2decades old. i dont feel happy. God give me a direction. or maybe You already have, its just me... hesistating.

maybe i had too high an expectation. in the end i fell. too badly. im bleeding, and it wont stop.

let me talk abt my play... but firstly, many thanks to those who came to support me in the show... i hope you all liked it, really. sorry maybe i couldnt talk too long with you all... very very sorry... nevertheless, still hope u all liked it! :)

thanks to xp and hyu for the first night :) mama... dont be so disappointed. i know u wanted to come... and thats enough for me. i'll let u watch the vcd? haha...

thanks to mom sis bro for sat 5pm, who are regulars wahaha... sometimes i dunno wad they are thinking when they watch me on stage???
debra and amandac... thanks THANKSSSS i love u girls... though u 2 are super NOT chinese wahaha... glad u loved the kids cos i DONT. ok maybe i do. just a little bit. :)
kat shuyi tianying shiwei... my GOODNESS im really really touched that u all came down... it really REALLY meant alot to me :)
qianyi: ahahhaa... girlll... meet soon ok! *huggies*

sat8pm: WAHAHHAHA... mich ed merv and grace... thank you 4some... thank you. u all were the only good thing that turned out from SACO :) thats excluding mich. we were wayyyyy before that. :)
joan kingman jeannie pq... WAHAHHAA stop being obsessed with the kids, esp anders :)

OCKKKKKK! *hugs and squishes* really hope u all like the show... thanks to waylon js tat ky darius cindy mc shawn aaron... NINE OF U! thats 10% of the audience hahaha...

sorry pple couldnt go out :( mom waited to take taxi home together... free transport! :(

anyways for our show... we started out thinking that its just going to be another play... but by the end of it, we all know each other so much more and so much better than before...

we went through times of doubt, exasperation, aimlessness, guilt, and at times we just felt plainly tired. in the end we earned love, trust and understanding for each other, which is quite enough.

in all my previous performances, the last show usually demands the most and creates the greatest stress that causes hiccups... but this time round the last show was plainly PLAY. i NEVER had so much fun in a show before.

sabo in ANY way imaginable. i think i dug my own grave. ended up laughing on stage, but thankfully managed to regain composure and saved the scene back. or else i'll really get slapped wahaha... lets see...

ys: i bought something for u 2
yl: *sneeze*
yl: why anders dont like me?
me: anders dont like xy... he likes LITING
ys: i got a confession. i like anders
yl: wei! *holds banana*
me: please? drink milk?
yl: got some more?
ys: im going to make u into a sashimi
yl: *smash whipped cream on sy*
sy: *collects whipped cream* jingling! *smash*
ys: taupok is useless...

liting is really something. i wont deny it was kinda sluggish at first when we started out. i didnt know wad she wanted, i didnt know what to do. i was confused at many points of time, but in the end haha... she made it. it was a mad rush towards the end, but thank God we pulled through.

siying yingshi and me really bonded in the process... we had a sleepover, cooked breakfast, discussed about our personal problems and points of view of different stuff. unknowingly we ended the show that begun our friendship in a deeper form.

i also earned myself a little brother! my genie reminded me much about myself when i first entered QNT. eager to work with the seniors and sometimes totally confused. but for me, i was under a very supporting and encouraging environment when i first joined, but for him, a whole load of pressure was on him just after ONE performance in experience. many wondered why im so obsessed about him, but i feel i was shielding him, giving him the encouragement he needed like i had from yingwen. PLUS hes in fact a damn zai guy in choir lah. STUDENT CONDUCTOR OK. VOCAL CONSORT hor. dont pway pway ahhh... :)

in QNT i realised most people who are doing more acting roles are usually FEMALE. and things are about to change once yl gets comfortable with QNT, wahaha... just wait and see. those who doubted or are still doubting him, he'll soon be a hot property in future productions. by that time, sorry folks, its too late. justin ong yuanliang will NOT work for anyone except ME wahaha!

now that everything has ended... its going to be back to normal boring life... no matter how exciting hall and drawing may seem... nothing gives the adrenaline and allows me to put in my heart and soul than being on stage with the ones i love and respect.

in talks with siying and yingshi about writing and putting up our own show in the next xue sheng ju chang next july... if it does come true, you pple gotta come support our directing debut! :)

photos out soon.. as soon as my brother finds the bloody cable.

finally my room comp is up and running!

stealing a few minutes to blog...

IM HORRIBLY TIRED!!!!

homework! and i noe i'll get crappy marks for it... and i TORE one work accidentally!!!!

!@#%$#@%$#^#$%@$#%@#$@%$##%^#

mad cow disease.

im HOME again. omg i had my first archi lesson today. it is NOT fun. just a glimpse:

draw 21 PARALLEL lines... each SAME thickness.

somebody pls save me.

and its super ex to buy all the tools... im so sad... hahaha super broke. :(

AND the tutor is NOT FRIENDLY.

anyways... my performance is coming up soon... how i wish i can just act forever... hahaha...

i realised ive not been blogging intellectually or humourously for quite some time now... shall do that soon hahaha...

back home... finally. the whole week has been rehearsals rehearsals all the way for huiguan. my desperate attempts to get everyone to perfect the show has caused some unhappiness. but i really cant care less. my working style has long been to used to the perfect coordination of emotions, speech and chemistry amongst the actors, so i expect the same here though the director is different.

snapped for the very first on wednesday. TOTALLY snapped. i just couldnt smile or pretend everything's going well. just started shouting and gave a total black face. i tink even my boy started to realise im actually ANGRY. wasting time when dont even have it in the first place.

thursday was like God sent. my boy started doing things correctly, lines smoothened, feelings flowed... i wonder was it due to my snapping. i really hope they remember it. if not i'll totally flip.

****

rag... i didnt even do much, or anything for that matter. bcos of huiguan i couldnt do anything for rag... not with negative feelings. i love doing productions, so i do not regret not joining rag. i did visit a little on friday... and this morning i went down to watch. sheares won like almost all the hall awards hahaha... the rag design, float, presentation and centennial dance award... something given for commemoration of 100 years. WE GOT IT! hahaha... madness. screaming, tears (mostly from me) and cheers and laughter... but somehow i felt i was not part of it. i hardly did anything. the reason why i shed tears was because i felt how they were feeling... i understood them. but otherwise i was just a useless being.

****
soon i'll be the one rushing to arts house during the coming week for bumping in and light tests, costumes, makeup... i'll make sure its gonna be worthwhile.
***

otherwise... im happy! its just that im so busy (hence stressed hence depressed) this week i dont even have time to cry... tired... very tired...