Samosas For One

I started this blog many years ago when I was at a very different place in my life.  A lot has changed.  I no longer want to run here to write about my life and my inner world.  Looking back I see how over the last two years I've been slowly changing the cast of characters in the storyline of my life.  This was to exorcise (yes it felt that dramatic) the toxicity and unhealthiness that those relationships brought into my life.  Taking those steps no matter how difficult provided the space within my life for new people, opportunities and beliefs to show up.  I get to choose who I want and what I want to do in my life.  Presently I choose to surround myself with loving, supportive, emotionally healthy people.  And I choose to write in a new space. If you would like the address of that new blog leave a comment here and I will send it to you.

Do not keep the alabaster boxes of your love and tenderness sealed up until your friends are dead. Fill their lives with sweetness. Speak approving, cheering words while their ears can hear them and while their hearts can be thrilled by them.
~Henry Ward Beecher

"When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life." —Jean Shinoda Bolen

"If you want real control, drop the illusion of control.  Let life live you.  It does anyway." -Byron Katie

I am exhausted and my brain's pathways are murky at best so any attempt to find the right words or sentences are lost on me at this time.  I'm back from my trip recovering from falling painfully sick right after returning.  After days of feeling my body was out of whack some of the symptoms have started disappearing and I'm starting to feel slightly better.

Overall my trip was fine.  There was fun, laughter, reconnection, making new relationships.  There was also a lot of stress, disconnection, frustration, not fitting in, and continual judgment.  I think it is that latter list of qualities which is what resulted in my falling sick upon return.  Nothing could be clearer from this trip for me but the very fact that in order to live the life I want and in order to be healthy physically I have to live life my way.

To be really honest I'm not looking forward to people asking me how my trip was.  Having spent most of my life having to give the expected not always totally honest answer that would make others feel better, but was not really the truth I rarely can bring myself to do this anymore.  Some friends and family will expect I say how great it was, etc.  It was fine.  If you had to spend 14 days with lots of your family and with their expectations and where you were never once alone except when you were in the bathroom you might also feel the same way I felt.  But you know few people want to hear this answer.  Friends and I had started growing this idea of visiting India for Diwali next year.  At this point I've decided to bail out of this idea.  It doesn't feel right at this point and I think my efforts should be concentrated on other trips I am planning next year.

India has become a lot of things in the 5 years since I visited.  It is BMWs, Mercedes, VWs, Bentleys.  It is diamonds, diamonds and more diamonds.  It is congestion, dust, and overpopulation.  It is wealth.  I think on this entire trip I literally saw only 6 non-Indians.  I'm sure this is a function of the fact that we didn't go to touristy areas, but still this very fact amazed me.

India is expectations.

not a Zero-Sum game.  Happiness is a Zillion-Sum game.

"Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened.  Happiness never decreases by being shared."  ~Buddha