sigh... it seems like it's been forever huh? well I suppose that's because it has. Things has been up and down on this roller coaster ride. Some days, or weeks I feel like I'm doing better and dealing with my grief is getting easier, then other days it just feels like I'm paralyzed with my sadness. I have tried a counselor and that was not a good experience for me. I tried a support group for bereaved parents and that was good... very bitter/sweet because it seems to make everything feel so raw again. I know that I'm going to have to go through my grief to heal but it's so hard and people in my life don't seem to understand that :( I have a few friends (local) that are pregnant and I'm very happy for them but I want to have a baby too! I want my baby! I want Gabriel! And the man that I'm with says that he doesn't want to have a child "right now". However I believe that he doesn't want to have anymore children (he has 2, ages 4 and 9). I feel like he just tells me "not at this time" to avoid the subject :( I guess it's for the best since I'm afraid that our relationship is coming to an end anyway. BUT I want a baby so badly!




I also feel like the majority of people who understand what this feels like are my online BLM sisters and I love all of them, they are amazing, but why can't I have a local friend who just "gets it"? I don't feel like I have a best friend who I can open up to about these things and I even feel like my own family doesn't even understand or really care anymore. I get the feeling from most everyone that since it will be 3 years on September 8th, that I should be "over it" or i don't know "better" by now. When I get down or depressed or just plain angry on the 8th of any month (as i can't stop counting the months since I lost G) My own father has told me "You can't act like this Sara, it's the 8th but it's now SEPTEMBER.... What the fuck?




On top of all my grief stress. I lost my job in April.... ugh! I've gained SO MUCH WEIGHT! This is the heaviest I've ever been and it disgusts me to look at myself.




I need advise from you all. I would like some suggestions on some good books on baby loss related subjects, or books that have helped you with healing.

Music has always been one thing that I've enjoyed most. Never played anything, but just listening soothes my soul. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Tupac. When people have asked me in the past "Why do u like him?" I didn't really know why? Why do you like the music you like?? You just do, right? Well I've been thinking a lot about music as it's (at times) becoming a little difficult to listen sometimes. I've noticed that I get emotional more easily since we lost G, and if a song touches me, even a little, I WILL CRY. LOL. But I have been thinking the most about why I do like the music I do.

Answer: I love the music I do and Tupac specifically because you can hear such raw passion and emotion in his voice. Have u ever really listened? U can tell when he smiles by his voice, he laughs in his music, he GASPS for air, I swear that u can tell when he recorded a song and he had been drinking, and his really angry songs you can hear getting so into it and getting so loud and crazy that hes spitting when hes rapping. Any artist that goes so hard and gets into it that much is GREAT! So I'm left feeling kinda bummed that it get harder and harder for us to enjoy the simple things that we loved so much before our losses :( It's bitter/sweet. Just curious if I'm the only one thats felt this since we lost our babies?

It's been a rough week. So I saw Gabriel's dad for the 1st time in months on Monday. I was in my car leaving the store and I saw him going into the store. I don't know if he saw me or not, but he didn't look at me or try to come talk to me, which I think he would have if he'd seen me, so I'm glad that he didn't because I started bawling. On Que. I Loved him more than I have ever loved any man, and I played to fool for him more than have for any man in my entire life. I wish things were different between us and that if we can't be together (which we can't), that we could be friends or at the very least be there to support each other through this process. I wish I could talk to him about our babies or that he could hug me when I need someone. Most people just watch me cry... no hugs. Oh on Monday when I cried at my dad's house he came and put his hand on my back which was nice, it was good. My dad's side of the family doesn't show love with hugs and such, and that is the side of the family that lives where I live. So I am happy that my dad recognizes that I'm hurting enough to put his hand on my back, but it would be really nice to just be held and comforted by the father of my babies.

Next as most of you know I live in a very small town, and I have become the target of some rumors that are 100% false and hurtful. Not a huge deal by if that was all I had going on in my life, BUT this along with all the other shit I feel/deal with on a daily basis is too much right now, I can't handle it and I don't know why people can't just leave me alone, I for the most part stick to myself, work, raise my daughter the best I can, hang out with a few select friends and try to avoid any and all unpleasantness and drama BUT it sure does always find me & I cannot just shake it off as easy as most. It bothers me a lot and gets me going. I hate it. I want outta this town soooo bad, but I don't want to uproot Summer :(

I try so hard to be strong, be as happy as I can be, mostly for Summer, but for my friends and family and myself as well. I can't do it. I'm not happy, I'm miserable. 2 of my babies are dead. I will never see them again. I wanted more children so much, but have made my mind up that I will never try for more. Everyone says "Oh Sara. You're so young! You don't know that for sure" Well news-flash to all of "them" the people on the outside. Yes I do know that because I don't want more kids, I WANT MY KIDS. You know the ones in Heaven, the ones I cannot have.

What "triggered" this breakdown (breakdown was bound to happen soon it had been bottled up too long) is that my dog Kaya got into some fudge that Summer left out and I'm afraid shes very sick (thats why I'm still up thinking and typing here, instead of asleep since I have to be up at 4:30am for work) I gave my dog some hydrogen peroxide to make her vomit and she did, but still is acting VERY ILL. I'm afraid she'll die as chocolate especially the baking type is toxic to dogs. I was snuggling with Kaya and Summer asked my what was wrong. :( I told her I waned to love on Kaya because she is not feeling well and I don't know if she'll have to go to Heaven or not. Right then Summer looked at Gabriel's urn and said "Goodnight baby brother we love you" then as we do not have any remains from my D&C with Angel Rose Summer looked at the ceiling and said "Goodnight Angel, love you baby sister" *sobbing* now. What the hell? How unfair for my 4 year old to have to know such loss and death and tell an urn, that is her baby brother and the sky, that is her baby sister Goodnight?? I don't get it? Now what my dog gonna die to? What is it, everything that I love and want has to die??? I worry daily while I'm working that something will happen to Summer, is she going to die? Cuz if anything happened to her... I'm ending my show. I wouldn't be able to go on. I worry that I'm going to die young and Summer will never really know that she has been the only thing that has kept me alive, my saving grace, she, Angel Rose and Gabriel are the only good things I have ever done, BUT Summer is all I have here. I'm so worried I'll die and she'll never know that she is my heart 1/3 of my heart walking around here on earth while the other 2/3 and in Heaven.

I can't help but wonder am I bad mother? Unworthy of G and A? Is that why they were taken from me? Did I do something wrong? Is Summer gonna be taken away too? I'm gonna sit up most of the night with Kaya, shes not doing so good so I wanna sit with her and see if she gets better if not I may have to drive her an hour to the nearest 24hr emergency vet clinic.

I think I'm having a nervous breakdown and I wish I could just stay  in bed for a few days.

Also you BLMs should know that you are also the ones who keep me going. I don't know what in the hell I would do if it weren't for you all. I'm sorry we are bound together through grief, but very thankful for you all. Thank you for being you.

To Laci & Dollface I love you both too SOOOO MUCH!!! & thank you for being the people you are. You have both brought so much happiness to my life and I know that i can always turn to both of you for support without judgment. On a semi morbid note, I hope nothing will happen to me anytime soon, I'd like to live to 300 lol BUT if something should happen to me before she gets a chance to really see for herself, please tell Summy how much I love her. Tell her she was my only reason for living and she has always been my saving grace and 1 of the handful to best things that has ever happened to me. Tell her about me. The good and the bad.

XoXo

I hate everything right now! That is all.

Hey guys <3
I know I've been neglecting my blog lately. I've just had a lot on my mind and kind of been consumed with my own thoughts and feeling a little lost lately.. Maybe I've been hiding out, IDK. I've been missing Gabriel and just wanting him back soooo bad. I re-live his birth, short life and his death EVERY SINGLE DAY! Is this normal? Does anyone else do this? Usually when I'm at work, thats all I do is think of him and those 4 days. & then I've been feeling guilty about not thinking of Angel as much as I do Gabriel. Is that right? *sigh* I saw G, I smelled him, held him, kissed him, I delivered him, and we held him as he took his last breath and his heart stopped beating... Maybe I would think about Angel more if I actually delivered her and went through all of those things with her? IDK but I feel guilty still...  You gotta love this roller coaster huh? I'm going to start blogging again and I think I'm gonna try the 30 posts in 30 days challenge. I've been wanting to blog so much but at the end of my day, when Summer is finally in bed and I'm ready to actually have a moment to myself, I'm too tired, in every way possible. Anyway I just thought I'd let you guys know that I'll be back very soon. Love to you all, and hope you're all doing okay. <3 I'm off to bed, to fall asleep listening to the wind and rain, I love it. Sweet dreams.

<3 ARG <3  <3 GFGJR <3

We found out at our first OB visit that Angel Rose had no heart beat. I would have been 12 weeks along & she was only measuring at 9 weeks. We were devastated. I had my D&C on 09/04/2008 (my brother Cooper's birthday) :( Sad sad days. I HATE that everything is an anniversary, angelversary or a marker date. All sad. I don't know if I'll ever stop counting the days.

Today, I was busy most of the day on purpose. I always get sad and DOWN in the evenings and nights. Everything slows down, I'm getting tired and that tends to bring out my emotions too. However, tonight, I'm not only tired, down and sad I'm fucking ANGRY at EVERYTHING && EVERYONE! Urghhhh and I'm even angry that I'm angry! That is not the person I want to be, but I cannot help it.

Thats all I have right now, I refuse to vomit up anymore anger right now. I'll check back in later or tomorrow. I'm sorry guys... I just don't know anymore.

I feel like I've totally lost myself ladies.

This is nothing new for me. I have been feeling this way for a long time now, and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel like I know myself, or if I'll ever be the Sara I knew and loved before. I mean I know we all grow and change and LIFE happens to us and is ever-changing who we are in some fashion. But I feel so lost. I'm a very self-less person, I will give you the shirt off of my back, and freeze to death as long as you have what you need. I will lend you $500 dollars even if that leaves me flat ass broke. I give and give and give so much of myself that I feel like I have nothing left, and what I do have left I have no idea what it is or what to do with it.

Okay first of all I'm gonna give you all a little time line of when I started feeling confused as to where good ol' Sara when and when I started losing who I WAS:

2005: Got with Summer's dad. Became "Jamal&Sara" not Jamal and Sara. I was like his girl/mom/maid/bank.

2006: Summer is born. Now I'm "Jamal&Sara the mom" All I ever really wanted to be was a mom. But the line between Sara and mom got blurred. I didn't know how to be anything else anymore.

April 2008: Left Summer's father and moved back home to live with my dad. Me, Summer and my cranky ass grumpy dad all smooshed into a tiny 2 bedroom house. Awesome. So now I feel like a child again, and BTW am treated like one too.

July 2008: Got with Gabe. I have known him since high school... lol just so everyone knows I'm not a big whore or anything. lol.

September 2008: Find out that I'm 4 weeks pregnant with Gabe's baby which was not an accident by the way. Summer and I move into one of Gabe's parent's tiny ass 1 bedroom apartments. And all Gabe's lies start. Even more Awesome!

October 30th 2008: Ultrasound. No heartbeat. Summer and I named this baby recently. Summer always said it was her baby sister that died in my tummy. We named her Angel Rose Grajiola. That is the ARG you see in my FB status sometimes.

November 4th 2008: D&C :'(

December 6th 2009: My little sister's husband of 6 weeks committed suicide. Shot himself in the head. He was only 20 </3

January 2009: Pregnant with Gabriel.

End of June 2009: Dr calls to say there is something wrong with our son and we need to see a specialist.

August 13th 2009: Great Grandma Viv dies.

September 4th 2009: Gabriel is born a month early delivered via emergency c section. Mama loses so much blood she almost has to have a blood transfusion.

September 8th: We let Gabriel go to Heaven.


Okay so I'll explain: When I have a boyfriend, Sara&"Man". It's like I lose myself and my friends and family and make my life all about the man and about us. I have always loved LOSERS... soooo that usually means I do everything to take care of the loser man and get nothing in return. Just used up and mistreated and thrown away. NOT GOOD. I know but I always do that and it's shitty.

Example 2: After I had Summer, my life became 100% percent about Summer and being Mom, which don't get me wrong my kids will ALWAYS come first no matter what! But I forgot how to be an adult and I forgot how to be me and I stopped taking care of myself and my needs. I don't know how to be mom and be Sara :(  I have learned a little but shes 4 and it's taken me this long.

Example 3: My relationship with Gabriel's father (Gabe) *sigh* I really did actually sigh... lol...
I don't even know where to start with that. He is an addict, an alcoholic and a good liar, I believe with everything I have that no matter what he said/says he was using Meth throughout our entire relationship and stealing from not only me and Summer but my family and others too! I feel stupid! And SOOO ANGRY! He fucked me up mentally and emotionally SOOOOOOOOO MUCHHHHH! I can't even begin to tell you, there are so many things that he lied about it's insane, yet I wanted him so badly to be the person he was pretending to be, I thought I could help him :( If I loved him enough, if I gave him what he wanted more than anything in this world: A BABY! That he would stop all the bull shit and get his life together and his head on straight. Guilt monster: I couldn't give him a baby. He wanted our son more than anything in this world. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything, I don't know. But it changed me. I live in a small town and I've yet to run into him since our split, but I hear things all the time about how hes such a loser and tweakin non stop. It makes me sick. And when I moved out of our apartment I only took what I need until I could come back and get the rest of my stuff... well Gabe cleaned me out. EVERYTHING. Right down to mine and Summer's cats. Gabriel's mementos, locks of hair, footprints, his blankey that I used to sleep with every single night and plaster hand print. Thank God I took his urn with me when I left. My heart is BROKEN. I want some of my babies things too. This makes me think that I've become so stupid. Everyone said he's gonna shit on you Sara. Thank you Gabe for making a fool of me.

And then there is Gabriel. I feel guilty. I'm gonna be so honest here. I was scared when I found out I was pregnant again because of the relationship I had with Gabe wasn't very healthy. There were times that I wished I wasn't pregnant, or that I was just without Gabe in the picture. Gabe and I fought and screamed at each other a lot during my pregnancy. I wanted Gabriel to be a girl at first. When we found out he was a boy I was disappointed and scared, I cried. I didn't think I would know what to do with a boy, and I honestly didn't expect that Gabe would stick around and that I'd be trying to raise this boy not knowing what I was doing. I eventually started to get excited about having a boy and we started buying boy stuff and I was okay with it, shortly after we got that call from the Dr saying that there were some things going on with the baby and we would have to go see a specialist. :( Please don't judge me about what I told in this paragraph, it was very hard for me to be this honest and the guilt already eats me alive every day. More guilt: I didn't spend day and night with him in the NICU. I didn't bathe him, I didn't dress him, I didn't change his diaper. Irrational guilt: When he was gone, I just left him there. There at the hospital, like I should have brought him home with me. Crazy? maybe. But I felt like I abandoned my baby. When I came home I asked my dad to put all Summer's baby dolls in the closet, He looked at me like I need to be in the nut house, but he did it. I still have a hard time seeing her baby dolls. Oh Jesus, am I crazy?

So I'm Co-dependant (or something like it) I'm a mom, I'm a mom to 2 angels, I'm a nut case and I'm kind of a screwed up lost version of the Sara I used to be. How do I mesh all this into me? How do I find out who I am or how do I become the Sara I want to be? At 26 I feel like I should already know this!!!!

WHO AM I????