It's been a rough week. So I saw Gabriel's dad for the 1st time in months on Monday. I was in my car leaving the store and I saw him going into the store. I don't know if he saw me or not, but he didn't look at me or try to come talk to me, which I think he would have if he'd seen me, so I'm glad that he didn't because I started bawling. On Que. I Loved him more than I have ever loved any man, and I played to fool for him more than have for any man in my entire life. I wish things were different between us and that if we can't be together (which we can't), that we could be friends or at the very least be there to support each other through this process. I wish I could talk to him about our babies or that he could hug me when I need someone. Most people just watch me cry... no hugs. Oh on Monday when I cried at my dad's house he came and put his hand on my back which was nice, it was good. My dad's side of the family doesn't show love with hugs and such, and that is the side of the family that lives where I live. So I am happy that my dad recognizes that I'm hurting enough to put his hand on my back, but it would be really nice to just be held and comforted by the father of my babies.

Next as most of you know I live in a very small town, and I have become the target of some rumors that are 100% false and hurtful. Not a huge deal by if that was all I had going on in my life, BUT this along with all the other shit I feel/deal with on a daily basis is too much right now, I can't handle it and I don't know why people can't just leave me alone, I for the most part stick to myself, work, raise my daughter the best I can, hang out with a few select friends and try to avoid any and all unpleasantness and drama BUT it sure does always find me & I cannot just shake it off as easy as most. It bothers me a lot and gets me going. I hate it. I want outta this town soooo bad, but I don't want to uproot Summer :(

I try so hard to be strong, be as happy as I can be, mostly for Summer, but for my friends and family and myself as well. I can't do it. I'm not happy, I'm miserable. 2 of my babies are dead. I will never see them again. I wanted more children so much, but have made my mind up that I will never try for more. Everyone says "Oh Sara. You're so young! You don't know that for sure" Well news-flash to all of "them" the people on the outside. Yes I do know that because I don't want more kids, I WANT MY KIDS. You know the ones in Heaven, the ones I cannot have.

What "triggered" this breakdown (breakdown was bound to happen soon it had been bottled up too long) is that my dog Kaya got into some fudge that Summer left out and I'm afraid shes very sick (thats why I'm still up thinking and typing here, instead of asleep since I have to be up at 4:30am for work) I gave my dog some hydrogen peroxide to make her vomit and she did, but still is acting VERY ILL. I'm afraid she'll die as chocolate especially the baking type is toxic to dogs. I was snuggling with Kaya and Summer asked my what was wrong. :( I told her I waned to love on Kaya because she is not feeling well and I don't know if she'll have to go to Heaven or not. Right then Summer looked at Gabriel's urn and said "Goodnight baby brother we love you" then as we do not have any remains from my D&C with Angel Rose Summer looked at the ceiling and said "Goodnight Angel, love you baby sister" *sobbing* now. What the hell? How unfair for my 4 year old to have to know such loss and death and tell an urn, that is her baby brother and the sky, that is her baby sister Goodnight?? I don't get it? Now what my dog gonna die to? What is it, everything that I love and want has to die??? I worry daily while I'm working that something will happen to Summer, is she going to die? Cuz if anything happened to her... I'm ending my show. I wouldn't be able to go on. I worry that I'm going to die young and Summer will never really know that she has been the only thing that has kept me alive, my saving grace, she, Angel Rose and Gabriel are the only good things I have ever done, BUT Summer is all I have here. I'm so worried I'll die and she'll never know that she is my heart 1/3 of my heart walking around here on earth while the other 2/3 and in Heaven.

I can't help but wonder am I bad mother? Unworthy of G and A? Is that why they were taken from me? Did I do something wrong? Is Summer gonna be taken away too? I'm gonna sit up most of the night with Kaya, shes not doing so good so I wanna sit with her and see if she gets better if not I may have to drive her an hour to the nearest 24hr emergency vet clinic.

I think I'm having a nervous breakdown and I wish I could just stay  in bed for a few days.

Also you BLMs should know that you are also the ones who keep me going. I don't know what in the hell I would do if it weren't for you all. I'm sorry we are bound together through grief, but very thankful for you all. Thank you for being you.

To Laci & Dollface I love you both too SOOOO MUCH!!! & thank you for being the people you are. You have both brought so much happiness to my life and I know that i can always turn to both of you for support without judgment. On a semi morbid note, I hope nothing will happen to me anytime soon, I'd like to live to 300 lol BUT if something should happen to me before she gets a chance to really see for herself, please tell Summy how much I love her. Tell her she was my only reason for living and she has always been my saving grace and 1 of the handful to best things that has ever happened to me. Tell her about me. The good and the bad.

XoXo

I hate everything right now! That is all.

Hey guys <3
I know I've been neglecting my blog lately. I've just had a lot on my mind and kind of been consumed with my own thoughts and feeling a little lost lately.. Maybe I've been hiding out, IDK. I've been missing Gabriel and just wanting him back soooo bad. I re-live his birth, short life and his death EVERY SINGLE DAY! Is this normal? Does anyone else do this? Usually when I'm at work, thats all I do is think of him and those 4 days. & then I've been feeling guilty about not thinking of Angel as much as I do Gabriel. Is that right? *sigh* I saw G, I smelled him, held him, kissed him, I delivered him, and we held him as he took his last breath and his heart stopped beating... Maybe I would think about Angel more if I actually delivered her and went through all of those things with her? IDK but I feel guilty still...  You gotta love this roller coaster huh? I'm going to start blogging again and I think I'm gonna try the 30 posts in 30 days challenge. I've been wanting to blog so much but at the end of my day, when Summer is finally in bed and I'm ready to actually have a moment to myself, I'm too tired, in every way possible. Anyway I just thought I'd let you guys know that I'll be back very soon. Love to you all, and hope you're all doing okay. <3 I'm off to bed, to fall asleep listening to the wind and rain, I love it. Sweet dreams.

<3 ARG <3  <3 GFGJR <3

We found out at our first OB visit that Angel Rose had no heart beat. I would have been 12 weeks along & she was only measuring at 9 weeks. We were devastated. I had my D&C on 09/04/2008 (my brother Cooper's birthday) :( Sad sad days. I HATE that everything is an anniversary, angelversary or a marker date. All sad. I don't know if I'll ever stop counting the days.

Today, I was busy most of the day on purpose. I always get sad and DOWN in the evenings and nights. Everything slows down, I'm getting tired and that tends to bring out my emotions too. However, tonight, I'm not only tired, down and sad I'm fucking ANGRY at EVERYTHING && EVERYONE! Urghhhh and I'm even angry that I'm angry! That is not the person I want to be, but I cannot help it.

Thats all I have right now, I refuse to vomit up anymore anger right now. I'll check back in later or tomorrow. I'm sorry guys... I just don't know anymore.

I feel like I've totally lost myself ladies.

This is nothing new for me. I have been feeling this way for a long time now, and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel like I know myself, or if I'll ever be the Sara I knew and loved before. I mean I know we all grow and change and LIFE happens to us and is ever-changing who we are in some fashion. But I feel so lost. I'm a very self-less person, I will give you the shirt off of my back, and freeze to death as long as you have what you need. I will lend you $500 dollars even if that leaves me flat ass broke. I give and give and give so much of myself that I feel like I have nothing left, and what I do have left I have no idea what it is or what to do with it.

Okay first of all I'm gonna give you all a little time line of when I started feeling confused as to where good ol' Sara when and when I started losing who I WAS:

2005: Got with Summer's dad. Became "Jamal&Sara" not Jamal and Sara. I was like his girl/mom/maid/bank.

2006: Summer is born. Now I'm "Jamal&Sara the mom" All I ever really wanted to be was a mom. But the line between Sara and mom got blurred. I didn't know how to be anything else anymore.

April 2008: Left Summer's father and moved back home to live with my dad. Me, Summer and my cranky ass grumpy dad all smooshed into a tiny 2 bedroom house. Awesome. So now I feel like a child again, and BTW am treated like one too.

July 2008: Got with Gabe. I have known him since high school... lol just so everyone knows I'm not a big whore or anything. lol.

September 2008: Find out that I'm 4 weeks pregnant with Gabe's baby which was not an accident by the way. Summer and I move into one of Gabe's parent's tiny ass 1 bedroom apartments. And all Gabe's lies start. Even more Awesome!

October 30th 2008: Ultrasound. No heartbeat. Summer and I named this baby recently. Summer always said it was her baby sister that died in my tummy. We named her Angel Rose Grajiola. That is the ARG you see in my FB status sometimes.

November 4th 2008: D&C :'(

December 6th 2009: My little sister's husband of 6 weeks committed suicide. Shot himself in the head. He was only 20 </3

January 2009: Pregnant with Gabriel.

End of June 2009: Dr calls to say there is something wrong with our son and we need to see a specialist.

August 13th 2009: Great Grandma Viv dies.

September 4th 2009: Gabriel is born a month early delivered via emergency c section. Mama loses so much blood she almost has to have a blood transfusion.

September 8th: We let Gabriel go to Heaven.


Okay so I'll explain: When I have a boyfriend, Sara&"Man". It's like I lose myself and my friends and family and make my life all about the man and about us. I have always loved LOSERS... soooo that usually means I do everything to take care of the loser man and get nothing in return. Just used up and mistreated and thrown away. NOT GOOD. I know but I always do that and it's shitty.

Example 2: After I had Summer, my life became 100% percent about Summer and being Mom, which don't get me wrong my kids will ALWAYS come first no matter what! But I forgot how to be an adult and I forgot how to be me and I stopped taking care of myself and my needs. I don't know how to be mom and be Sara :(  I have learned a little but shes 4 and it's taken me this long.

Example 3: My relationship with Gabriel's father (Gabe) *sigh* I really did actually sigh... lol...
I don't even know where to start with that. He is an addict, an alcoholic and a good liar, I believe with everything I have that no matter what he said/says he was using Meth throughout our entire relationship and stealing from not only me and Summer but my family and others too! I feel stupid! And SOOO ANGRY! He fucked me up mentally and emotionally SOOOOOOOOO MUCHHHHH! I can't even begin to tell you, there are so many things that he lied about it's insane, yet I wanted him so badly to be the person he was pretending to be, I thought I could help him :( If I loved him enough, if I gave him what he wanted more than anything in this world: A BABY! That he would stop all the bull shit and get his life together and his head on straight. Guilt monster: I couldn't give him a baby. He wanted our son more than anything in this world. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything, I don't know. But it changed me. I live in a small town and I've yet to run into him since our split, but I hear things all the time about how hes such a loser and tweakin non stop. It makes me sick. And when I moved out of our apartment I only took what I need until I could come back and get the rest of my stuff... well Gabe cleaned me out. EVERYTHING. Right down to mine and Summer's cats. Gabriel's mementos, locks of hair, footprints, his blankey that I used to sleep with every single night and plaster hand print. Thank God I took his urn with me when I left. My heart is BROKEN. I want some of my babies things too. This makes me think that I've become so stupid. Everyone said he's gonna shit on you Sara. Thank you Gabe for making a fool of me.

And then there is Gabriel. I feel guilty. I'm gonna be so honest here. I was scared when I found out I was pregnant again because of the relationship I had with Gabe wasn't very healthy. There were times that I wished I wasn't pregnant, or that I was just without Gabe in the picture. Gabe and I fought and screamed at each other a lot during my pregnancy. I wanted Gabriel to be a girl at first. When we found out he was a boy I was disappointed and scared, I cried. I didn't think I would know what to do with a boy, and I honestly didn't expect that Gabe would stick around and that I'd be trying to raise this boy not knowing what I was doing. I eventually started to get excited about having a boy and we started buying boy stuff and I was okay with it, shortly after we got that call from the Dr saying that there were some things going on with the baby and we would have to go see a specialist. :( Please don't judge me about what I told in this paragraph, it was very hard for me to be this honest and the guilt already eats me alive every day. More guilt: I didn't spend day and night with him in the NICU. I didn't bathe him, I didn't dress him, I didn't change his diaper. Irrational guilt: When he was gone, I just left him there. There at the hospital, like I should have brought him home with me. Crazy? maybe. But I felt like I abandoned my baby. When I came home I asked my dad to put all Summer's baby dolls in the closet, He looked at me like I need to be in the nut house, but he did it. I still have a hard time seeing her baby dolls. Oh Jesus, am I crazy?

So I'm Co-dependant (or something like it) I'm a mom, I'm a mom to 2 angels, I'm a nut case and I'm kind of a screwed up lost version of the Sara I used to be. How do I mesh all this into me? How do I find out who I am or how do I become the Sara I want to be? At 26 I feel like I should already know this!!!!

WHO AM I????

The Story of Me

TAKE THIS SURVEY!

THE BEGINNINGS OF ME:

TODAYS DATE:
10/23/2010
MY NAME IS:
Sara
AND I CAME INTO THIS WORLD ON:
04/06/1984
IN THE CITY/STATE OF:
Lebanon, Oregon
THE DOCTOR YELLED:
*tears of joy?*That is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen!!! (lol, idk what the Dr said? shehe
AND MY FAMILY RESPONDED WITH:
? tears of joy... lol
MY FAMILY CONSISTED OF:
Mom, Dad & Me

THE CURRENT ME:

NOW I RESIDE IN:
Good ol' Sweet Home, Oregon
WITH:
My daughter Summer and I rent the lower level of my Grandparents house.
MY HAIR IS NOW:
*sigh* I just had it done and it didn't turn out how I wanted it to....at all!
AND MY EYES ARE:
Deep brown
IVE GOTTEN TALLER TOO; IM :
5'4"
MY BODY IS BEST DESCRIBED AS:
Too BIG (I'm workin on that)
AS FAR AS TATTOOS GO:
Love em! I have 3 currently BUT there will be more to come!!
AND AS FOR PIERCINGS:
I'm addicted. Nostril, monroe, lip, a total of 9 in my ears. I'm gonna get my nape pierced next!!
MY BEST FEATURE IS:
BLEH! NONE!
IVE INHERITED MOST OF MY LOOKS FROM:
My dad
AS FOR GLASSES/CONTACTS:
Neither, but I think I might need them :/
AND MY SHOES ARE A SIZE:
8.5
IM MOST COMFORTABLE WEARING:
Jeans and T-shirt

MY LIKES/DISLIKES:

AS FAR AS SMOKING GOES:
sometimes I do, sometimes i don't
AND AS FOR DRINKING:
Don't really do that anymore
AND WHEN IT COMES TO DRUGS:
I've done more than my fair share of drugs but that all stopped when I got pregnant with Summer. <3
THINGS I LOOK FOR IN A MATE INCLUDE:
Must love my daughter! Honesty. Responsible. Tall, Dark and handsome... lol
THINGS THAT WOULD TURN ME OFF INCLUDE:
Lies, drugs, drunks, lazyness, immature, bad manners, dirtyness.. ect.
MY LONGEST ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP SO FAR:
3 years
IS THERE MARRIAGE IN MY FUTURE?:
No

MY FAVORITES:

FLOWER:
Tulip
FOOD:
All kinds, thats why I'm so BIG!
JUNK FOOD:
Hmmm fast food? that counts as junk food right?
RESTAURANT:
Olive Garden/Roadhouse
TYPE OF MUSIC:
Rap/Hip Hop/ R&B
BAND/ARTIST:
Tupac!!
SONG:
IDK I've been listening to a lot of Tech N9ne lately..
NON-ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE:
Diet Pepsi fo sho
ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE:
Anything in a shot glass
ICE CREAM FLAVOR:
Vanilla
BOOK:
Twilight Saga
MAGAZINE:
Cosmo
TV SHOW:
Jersey Shore
SPORT:
Softball
3 THINGS I JUST LOVE IN GENERAL:
thunderstorms, sweat pants and Scentsy
3 THINGS I CANT STAND:
Barney, Nagging, Rude people

MY FUTURE:

WHERE ID LIKE TO LIVE:
Eugene
WHAT SIZE FAMILY ID LIKE TO HAVE:
I'd like to have at least 1 more child but no more that 4 total
MY GOALS FOR THE NEXT YEAR INCLUDE:
Lose 65 pounds
MY GOALS FOR THE NEXT 5 YEARS INCLUDE:
Buy a house, get a new car, make sure Summer is as happy and as healthy as she can possibly be.

MY WINNING PERSONALITY!:

HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU SPEND ONLINE DAILY?
Wayyyyyyy Toooooo muchhhh! lol
ARE YOU OBSESSIVE/COMPULSIVE?
when it comes to some things, yes I am.
DO YOU TRUST EASILY?
yes, thats why i get screwed over so much.
DO YOU FORGIVE EASILY?
yes, that why I keep getting screwed over..
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?
Eh, sometimes
WITH OTHERS, IN GENERAL?
yes
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Death
AND YOUR BIGGEST WEAKNESS?
I trust and love easily and hard.
ARE YOU EASILY ANGERED?
hmmm yeah I guess. I'm annoyed VERY EASILY. lol
HOW DO YOU VENT YOUR ANGER?
talk to friends, blog, write in journal ect.
ARE YOU DEPRESSED OFTEN?
yes
DO YOU OFTEN GET DESCRIBED AS A BITCH?
probably and I don't care.

ARE YOU:

SHY?
very
TRUSTWORTHY?
very
NICE?
yes
MEAN?
if you give me a reason to be
COMPASSIONATE?
very
CARING?
very
HONEST?
yes
FUNNY?
i try
FRIENDLY?
yes, but I'm shy
SMART?
no
SARCASTIC?
oh yeah!
DEPENDABLE?
most of the time... lol
RELIGIOUS?
nope
MATURE?
i think so
EMOTIONALLY STRONG?
Nooooo
POLITE?
yes
LAZY?
kinda
OUTGOING?
noooo
POSITIVE?
at times
CONTROLLING?
somewhat
STUBBORN?
Ba ha ha ha Hell yeah I am
ROMANTIC?
kinda
JEALOUS?
not unless I have a reason to be
INSECURE?
yes
PUNCTUAL?
no
RATIONAL?
yes
TOLERANT OF OTHERS?
yes
A FELON?
not yet ;)

CLICK HERE TO TAKE THIS SURVEY!

MySpace Surveys

Gabriel~
Hey buddy. I miss you so much & I love you even more. Lately I find myself thinking about you more and more, I didn't even think it was possible to think of you anymore than I already was, but it is cuz I have been. I wonder what you would be doing right now & what you'd look like? Would you look more like me or like your daddy? I sure hope that you'd at least act like me and NOT like your father, if you acted like him I would sure have my hands full! Summer misses you sooo much too! She talks about you all the time, I think she mentions you daily! We sure wish you were here having a "camp out" in the living room tonight. Sissy loves to do this on the weekends & I kinda like it too, I think you'd enjoy it also. I would love it if you'd give me a sign that you're still hanging around from time to time and that you're watching over us, one that I can't miss or visit me in a dream, that would be beautiful <3 i love you baby, forever and alway. I feel so empty without you and Angel. Take care of each other up there and be nice to the other babies. I love you both. XOXO.
Love,
Mommy

Soooo this week has been crazy madness! Monday: I got off work early to take Summer to the doctor for her 4 year old well child visit, she ended up having to have 4 shots (2 in each thigh) & the nasal flu "sniff". It was horrible, she got the "air jetted" shots (not recommend BTW) & I had to totally body check her... hold her down kicking and screaming! Total meltdown mode! I finally got her all calmed down, she collected her stickers from the poor nurse, (I would hate to have the job of giving all the shots to the little ones) and we got out to our car & started to make the 45 minute drive home. We stopped in about halfway home to pick up my prescriptions and I needed to use the restroom, Summer said she didn't have to go so I told her to wait outside my stall door and to stay right there where I could be able to see her little feet ( I would have liked her to come into the stall with me, but she did not want to and I didn't feel like fighting with her about it), of course she didn't listen to me, she started looking under all the stalls (how embarrassing) and then I could hear her running around, I finished up & I started walking to the sink so that I could wash my hands & I was yelling to Summer "Summer! Stop running around! Be still and wait for me, I just need to wash my hands!" And then I hear her hit the ground, hard! The wind is knocked out of her, she hit her head, and hit her chin, which is now split open and bleeding pretty good, I rush to her, hold her, comfort her, pull out a band aid that she just so happened to give me earlier in the day and stuck it on her chin. Keep in mind that with the exception of my wisdom teeth removal and my c-sections, I've never had stitches and I don't even think that I've been present during an accident where anyone I know has needed stitches! So I have no idea if this needs to be stitched or not, it looks pretty bad though. We get home and I want to change the band aid and get it all cleaned up. I take off the band aid, BLOOD SOAKED... totally! and then she starts screaming to put the band aid back on and how bad it hurts with the band aid off! I take another look at it and I just know that it needs more attention than I can give it. Soooo I take her to urgent care. Dr says "Yes mom, this needs some stitches" :( Summer is FREAKED! She ends up having to be held down by me, 2 nurses and the Dr to give her the shot to numb her up and stitch her up, I can't handle my baby being scared or hurt anymore this day, soooo I just lose it right there as they are shooting her chin up & I start bawling, kinda like a little baby... urgh, I'm lame. Next stop circle k to get Summer a great big ice cream and then we come home. End of "Summer's worst day ever" her quote. BUT mama gets to watch her all night long and wake her up every few hours to ask her a simple ? DR's orders as she did hit her head pretty good...

Tuesday: We stay home, take it easy, watch Summer closely, and catch up on a lil sleep. Nothing to eventful to report this day.

Wednesday: Back to work for me and back to school for Summer. Also the 1 year marker of my Due date with Gabriel... bitter/sweet, sad day, wishing and wanting things to be different. Lots of thinking..

Thursday: Work for me, crappy jobs that day. School again for Summer. Right after work I come home and have to get Summer and I ready to go up to her school for family night. 3 hours later we are home from family night pooped and ready for bed. Feeling very very drained..

Today: Gabriel's 13 month angelversary :( Nuff said.

Wow.. I feel drained in every way possible. Can I just go to bed and sleep for 2 weeks straight now?

However I'm feeling a lot better since I named Angel and I'm recognizing more and more for what she is: my baby, just because I never got to meet her or even got to see her. I'd been feeling very guilty for not acknowledging her as much as I do Gabriel. Things will be different from here on out.

It seems like everyone is pregnant or having babies, I don't even really want to be pregnant or have a new baby, I just want my babies back, here with Summer and I, happy and healthy  :(

I'm soooo tired.

Today sucks. I try so hard to be positive. For myself and my sanity, but also for my daughter and my other BLM's! BUT today just blows! I woke up late, 10 mins before I'm supposed to clock in, I felt weird all day, stressed about money, my family and just life in general. I want my own place soooo bad. We currently are staying with my grandparents and they help me out sooo much and I really do need the help with Summer and I appreciate it  a lot, but I need my own space, they are always judging me and making little comments about every little thing i do. And they are constantly parenting over me with Summer, like I have no idea what I'm doing. I lived an hour away from them until Summer was 2 and I did it all by myself, work and take care of her, without their help, YET they seem to think that I have just "Forest Gump'd" my way through raising her!!!!!!!! It just makes me that much more stressed! I just feel like the harder I try to do the "right" things and deal with everything that I've been through these last few years in the most positive way that I can, the harder it gets. I think I'm getting a cold, not a big deal but you know that makes u feel kinda cranky and I know that my period is coming soon and THAT totally makes everything feel so dramatic and makes me soooo bitchy. But more than all this, I feel dread! I'm just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I read one of our fellow BLM's (not naming names because I'm not sure if she wants to be named, and I respect her privacy) blogs about death and it was like she was inside my mind, and I was reading all of my own feeling on that matter. I'm scared  of it, and I'm scared to leave Summer behind, I never want to be without her, she is my everything, the best thing that I've ever done. And I'm not sure what comes after life, I don't know what I believe. I want to believe that there is a Heaven because of Gabriel, I want to know that he is in Heaven and happy and enjoying peace and all that Heaven promises. The problem is: In my life I've learned if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. I'm not saying I don't believe in God or Heaven, I'm just not sure what I believe anymore. As for God, if there is one ( and I think there is), we are not on speaking terms right now. I don't have anything to say to him at the moment and if he is talking to me, I can't hear him. *sigh* I can't help but to feel like the promise of Heaven is like..... hmmmm oh, okay, it's like the Easter Bunny, Tooth fairy, or Santa. Make believe. And that scares the HELL OUTTA ME! What if thats it, the end, game over, and there is just nothingness??? I wish I could somehow find real faith, but I have a feeling that is going to be very very difficult for me. I'm also afraid that I'm going to die young as well as the BLM I was talking about above. I don't know why? No reason. Maybe it's because we have dealt with so much loss these last few year that I just expect it? Who would take care of Summer then? And who would make sure Gabriel isn't just forgotten about?!?! Prepare for the worst and hope for the best? WTF? Thats a totally screwed up way to live! Sooo I'm hoping to snap out of whatever this funk is that I'm in, with the quickness. Where is Edward Cullen when you need him? He needs to come turn me into an immortal, sparkly vampire! Thanks for listening guys. I don't know what I'd do without you all.. I'll be okay, every time I feel like this I tell myself: "You'll feel better in the morning". I hope I do. Love you all thanks for reading my crazy ass blog, please don't have me committed though, lol! I swear I'm not crazy.... at least I don't think I am. Just confused and frustrated  : /  I'm gonna go take a nice, long, HOT shower and go to sleep! Sweet dreams. Oh yeah! One last thing! Ur gonna laugh at this! I had a dream last night that I was a cast member on the Jersey Shore, It was amazing, yeah... Pauly D, and Vinny were very cool and I think that I was involved with one of them, I'm not gonna lie ladies, I hated waking up, maybe thats why I over-slept, the only bad thing is I think I was like an "Angelina" ewwwwww, but I'm not even mad at it! :P ha ha ha ha!

There isn't really much to say here. The title is pretty self explanatory, right ladies? I woke up this morning feeling good, no feeling pretty great actually. I went to bed early last night and I slept in a little this morning and I'm feeling pretty relaxed and refreshed. When I logged into face book I saw that 2 of my friends had their babies yesterday and early this morning! I'm sooo happy for them, for their happiness and for their healthy & ALIVE babies! I really am I swear, I'm just jealous! I want a baby... NO, no, no, I want MY BABIES BACK. I don't want a new baby, I want them back. I don't think I'll ever have any more children. When I imagine my future, I just don't see any more babies. It's too painful of a reminder that the others are gone and I'd be soooo scared to lose anymore, I don't think I'd survive another loss like that. BUT everyday I have baby envy, I've got a baby bug that won't go away, and theres nothing I can do about it. It's like wanting something that I'll never have. As much as I'm jealous and as much as I do want more children, I'm fairly certain that I'll never have more. I look back to when they were prepping me for my c-section, I had the option to have my tubes tied then, I said no, but now I wish that I would have said yes.  :(  I don't know, I'm just rambling and venting, I'm sorry. Just needed to get it out somehow.

1st topic: As most of you know, I miscarried a baby about 3 months before I got pregnant with Gabriel. I was about 9 weeks along when they think the baby's heart stopped beating, I didn't find this out until I went to the Dr. on October 30th 2008 I would have been about 11, almost 12 weeks along. I had some bleeding around 9 weeks, but my Dr chalked it up to: not being that unusual and I quote "Maybe my boyfriend and I had been having too much "fun"!". Nice, I know. Anyway, I had to have a D&C that took place on 11/04/2008. I never knew if that baby was a boy or a girl, I never named that baby. I always think of that baby as a girl, Summer ALWAYS has said the baby that died in my tummy was a girl, "little sister" : '(
A few days ago I decided that she deserves a name: Angel Rose Grajiola. Her due date was set for 05/21/2009. Just wanted to share this with you. I have been feeling guilty about not talking about Angel as much as I do Gabriel. I know it's a little different, but I still love Angel too and I miss her and I wish she were here too. A lot of times I feel like she gets left out, and I'd like to change that. I'm not sure if this is strange or not, frankly, I don't care. It makes me feel better and is helping me move forward on this healing journey.

2nd topic: I'm really angry/sad about Gabe Sr! Urgh! I don't know why he has to be the way he is and why he had to hurt me so badly that I don't even want anything to do with him again! It makes me so angry that he and I couldn't be there for each other on Gabriel's anniversary dates, and that I don't even want to/feel like I can share with him that I named Angel. There is too much anger there, mostly on my part, and I don't feel bad about it. He hurts me so much, and because of that, he continues to cause me hurt because I can't lean on him for support. I don't understand how he could have done this to us, and I don't like having this much hate and anger in my heart for anyone, thats not me, thats not who I want to be. I guess thats the problem with Gabe and I: Toward the end of us, I was allowing him to make me become someone that I didn't/don't want to be, I wasn't me! Ask anyone? I was becoming this person that I didn't even know, and that I def didn't like. I just wish things were different and at the very least we could have a civil conversation about where we are on our journeys and lend our support to each other. I know better though, that will never happen, because that will never be possible, he will never change and I won't allow him to take me down with him.

Topic 3: Summer!!! I love her soooo much! She is my saving grace and the light at the end of my tunnel. Enough said.

Topic 4: I'm designing a memorial tattoos for myself, my sister and possibly my bestie! For Gabriel mostly, but maybe a lil something for Angel too. Suggestions please!!!! I need much help, I want them to be perfect in every way!

Topic 5: I wanna be a billionaire so freakin bad! lol

That is all for tonight, I'm feeling a little goofy and tired, and cannot write anymore now.

Love you all <3 Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite. But, if they do, hit them with a shoe, until they're black and blue! :]

I get so tired of feeling like I'm saying the say things over and over and over again. I miss Gabriel, and I don't understand why this happened to me. I think about him all the time. Somebody once told Gabriel's father that I wasn't dealing with this in a "normal" way and that she thought I was "obsessed" with my son. Well back then i was PISSED that she said that... BUT now I'm starting to wonder if those were true statements. The chalk names seem to help because they keep me busy and I know how much it means for us to see our angel's names, so that makes my heart happy giving that gift to someone else, but realistically, I can't do something 24/7 & my mind wont shut off when I have some down time. At work is the worst because all I do is sit for 8 hours and wind coils for metal detectors... so my mind has plenty of time to wander. Maybe I am obsessed and maybe I'm crazy. Maybe someone should stick me in a mental institution...

Urgh! & I feel so sorry for my daughter because one minute I'll be okay and in a split second I'm in tears! When she asks me whats wrong I've starting telling her "Nothin baby, Mommy's eyes are just sweating, (insert lil laugh through tears here) isn't that silly?" and then retreat to the bathroom to splash cool water on my face and try to pull myself together.

Oh yeah! It really doesn't help that I'm not sure what I believe happens after we die, I hope there is a Heaven and I have to try my hardest to think there is, but what if there is NOTHING... I'm terrified! I am not kidding not even a little bit. TERRIFIED of death. I have panic attacks and all. Oh my gosh, okay I'm gonna stop here or one of you is gonna check me into the nut house... Urgh...

On labor day Monday the 6th 2010, my sister (Laci) and 7 month old nephew (Karter) came to visit Summer and I. My cousin (Lauren) and her huband (Alan) & My other cousin (Kelsey who is Lauren's sister) and her daughters Molly (age: 2) and Abby (age: almost 6 weeks). These are all people who I love so much and unlike some of my other family members, these ppl seem to be very understanding and supportive of everything/anything that I feel the need or want to do to remember or honor my sweet Gabriel. It was a good day. The cousins brought me flowers to show their love on these hard days and in this hard month. We were just together and it was great, ate, talked, caught up, laughed, we were family. It was very sweet with a hint of bitter to meet Abby for the first time. I talked to her and admired her. She is beautiful, I did NOT hold her though, it's still very difficult for me to HOLD, TOUCH, FEEL or SMELL babies that are that brand new. BUT my nephew was having a kind of difficult day, we think he may be teething and has some constipation issues and frankly he had just had a kind of busy weekend. He was fussy. Laci (as most moms do) was starting to think that his fussing was bothersome to us. Of course it was not. To me, any sound he could have made was music to my ears. Karter was born early at about 33 weeks and spent about a month in the NICU. Our family wouldn't have survived another loss, of that I'm certain and I always tell her that Karter is our family's rainbow baby. Sorry I got a little off track there.. anyhow Karter was fussing and Laci started asking me if she should drive him around until he fell asleep. I said "No, don't do that, let me have him, let me try". I have held him many times already and I had held him some that day too already. But I took him, we all went up on our deck and sat on the porch swing. He fussed for a few minutes, I started patting his back and thinking about how I wouldn't want to be patted, I would want someone to rub my back gentley, how that would be so comforting. Then I started to think about Gabriel and how much I love him and miss him and hoping that he knew it. Then I started to say to Karter: "shhhhh shhhh shhhh, you're okay Karty" and singing to him rubbing his little back and before I knew it, he was out. That was the first time I had ever connected and had a completely lovely bitter sweet moment with a baby since Gabriel. It felt sooooo good, and then when I had to put him down and knew that they would be leaving to go home soon, it hurt soooo bad. IDK I love being involved in the lives of my friends and family with babies, Do NOT get this twisted, I don't want the babies to go away, not even a little, I don't want to be handled with "kid gloves" or anyone to walk on egg shells around me, it's just as simple as this: IT REMINDS ME OF WHAT I'M MISSING. WHAT I HAVE LOST WITH GABRIEL, WHAT MY BABY SHOULD AND WOULD BE DOING. I'm not angry about it, just sad and empty a little.

I didn't cry and it didn't make me sad at the moment, but later and now it does. I guess it makes happy to be involved in other babie's lives, but sad because I don't think that I'll have any more children... ever. It hurts too much and I'm too much of a coward. I'm not sure I would survive another loss. So these special moments will have to do. I'll take the bitter/sweet. Without the bitter, baby, the sweet wouldn't taste so good...

I have been feeling SO OVERWHELMED with SOOOO many feelings!
Gabriel's 1st birthday was the 4th and his 1st angelversary was this past Wednesday (the 8th). *SIGH* I'm emotionally drained people!

So you all know that Summer & I went to the coast with my dad & grandparents for Gabriel's 1st birthday... and that didn't go badly, it just didn't go how I expected or wanted it to go. I felt like it wasn't about him. I so upset and crying& Summer was the only one that even acknowledged that I was crying/hurting/upset. The rest of my family acted like they didn't even notice my crying. Anyway see previous blog for that news.

Gabriel's angelversary was okay. I got up around 5am to shower and get ready for work. I was sad, but not tearful. I went to work and I listened to music all day. I felt like that really really helped me keep it together. Anyone who knows me well should know that I have always LOVED Tupac. So needless to say I was listening to some good ol' Pac, and Thug Mansion came on, which got me thinking about what Heaven is like for Gabriel and who he is with. I wondered if Jr had met Tupac yet? Naturally any offspring of mine would want to meet 2pac!! I imagined that they have met and that Gabriel, Leila and all the other gangsta rap, Tupac lovin angel babies were all probably having Gabriel's 1 year in Heaven celebration at the Thug mansion. I know this sounds funny, silly and maybe even a little crazy. I don't care, it made me SMILE! An honest to goodness Smile. I've had very few of those lately. I clung to that thought all day, and it helped. When I got home things were a little harder as night are always more difficult for me. Kalialani created the candle lighting event on FB for Gabriel <3 That was such a blessing! I needed her to do that, and it was so completely perfect! So many people lit candles for my angel. Thank you all for doing that & for all the support and love that you sent my way. Very tearful night, the tears stayed the night with me, but I have to admit oddly enough it wasn't as bad of a day as I thought it would be. The days leading up to it and these day that have followed seem to have been harder than the actual day. I was so touched by everyone's kindness and thoughtfulness. I'm amazed by my BLMs endless LOVE! I have received and am still receiving beautiful cards and goodies in the mail! <3 <3 <3 I wish I could express to all of you how much this means, I think it's really helping to fill the void left in my heart.

As of right this moment I'm in the "numb" stage again. I don't feel. I can't describe how I'm feeling.... because I don't even know... Urgh, I hate this feeling. People keep asking me if I'm OK? What they can do to help? or.... or...ohhhh... wait! The best one! The one that all of us baby loss folks LOVE: "are u feeling better today" seriously... wtf? We don't have a cold or a stiff neck or something. I know that they don't know what to say and they are only concerned and they care, but it's just frustrating... thats all, I try and remember that they mean well. But the answers are: No. I'm not "okay" but hopeful one day I will be. You can do nothing but offer your support, LOVE, understanding and compassion, without judgment, to help me. & No I'm not feeling "better" today. My baby is still dead.

I have SOOO MUCH support from my BLMs and they are all amazing I've made some very good friends. I honestly don't know what I'd do without them, and they mean the world to me, but we are so many miles apart and it's not possible for me to look them in the face :(  and I feel like that is something that could help a lot. I love all the virtual support that we offer each other and the BLM penpals is AWESOME!!! And without those things, I wouldn't have survived. But the people that I have in my everyday life that I'm face to face with, I feel like they just don't get it, or maybe they do and they think I'm weird, or they are judging me for how I'm dealing, and I cannot stand that kind of judgment, they may think they know what it's like or how they'd deal if it were them. But they have no idea, and it's not them, it's me! It's not their child it's mine! So I do NOT appreciate the judgments. Sooo the only people who are LOCAL and felt like I could talk face to face with, being 100% honest about whats going on in my head and how I'm feeling, without judgment are GONE. One I had to do what is best for my daughter Summer and I and walk out of his life, and the other thought she had to do what was right for her and she walked out of mine. It hurts my heart. I am so thankful for the people that I have in my life right now, it would just me nice to sit and talk to someone face to face. Both people I'm missing that were there at the hospital and met Gabriel, and it would be nice to just BE WITH SOMEONE WHO MET MY SON AND TRULY IS HERE FOR ME AND UNDERSTANDS AND CAN LOOK AT MY FACE WHEN I'M TALKING AND GIVE ME A BEAR HUG IF I NEED ONE.

Urgh! Since this is turning into a mini book I'm gonna stop here. maybe I'll write some more later tonight after Summer goes to bed.

Urgh! I hate feeling numb more than I dis-like being a mess. I don't even know what I feel anymore. Is this normal? Do any of you ever feel like this? Friends keep asking me: How are you? They know whats going on, they know why I'm heartbroken and they know about the anniversaries. They try to be here for me the best they can and I love them. I get so frustrated with myself because I can't even begin to describe the feelings/emotions that I'm dealing with right now and they change so often that I'm self conscious that my friends and family are going to have me committed. LOL. Not funny, I know! But it's true. How do I explain what this feels like? For me there isn't really a word that sums it up. I want their support and I do my best to try and let them in *sigh* but I'm starting to shut down. I want to be locked in a room all by myself. I don't have ti energy to try and talk about things or explain how I'm feeling and I don't have the strength or patience to be judged right now. Tomorrow is the big one year angelversary AND I HAVE TO WORK! I cried silently today some at work. Hoping that nobody noticed and really hoping if they did notice that they didn't try to talk to me about it or especially try to hug me :( Something about someone hugging me when I'm hurting makes the flood gates open up as wide as they can get and I don't want people to feel sorry for me or treat me like I'm breakable. Anyway. Just wanted to vent and write a little. Tomorrows post my be a long one. I've received several very sweet cards and a very sweet and thoughtful package all from BLMs of course. I just want to say thank you so much for everything that you all do for me. Summer and all of you are my strength. I'd be lost without you. Wish me luck for tomorrow.

PS I'd be honored if any of you would light a candle or let a balloon go for my little man. I'm going to be doing both between 6 and 7pm

I love you all.


My sweet Gabriel~
I love you so much buddy. 1 year in Heaven tomorrow. How is it that it feels like only yesterday we said goodbye and at the same time it feels like it were a million years ago. I hope your enjoying Heaven and your perfect health and perfect body! I sure miss you down here. I think of you every single day baby. Do you ever come around and watch me? Maybe sometime you could send me a sign? Something that I cannot miss. I would give anything to have you here with Sissy and I, happy and healthy. I wish that could have happened. I guess we'll just have to wait a little longer than I thought to see each other again. Send me some angel kisses Jr. Goodnight. Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite, but if they do hit them with a shoe :) Sweet dreams Gabriel.
Love Mama

To all of you who've showed and continue to show me your endless love and support:

Have I told you lately that I love you? Have I told you lately how important you are you me? Have I told you lately how much your support and your love helps in the healing of my broken heart? Have I told you lately that I need you? Have I told you lately that you're so strong? Have I told you lately that you are amazing and beautiful? Have I told you lately that you make my world a better place?

Have I told you lately: Thank you?

Thank you.

Oh my! What a bitter/sweet day. Lots and lots of tears and a few smiles. Lots of time on the beach today. I did a lot of shell and rock hunting, I wrote the names of some of Gabriel's angel friends in the sand, I have more to do tomorrow and I'll try my hardest not to forget anyone.

I spent part of my day being very sad and VERY frustrated. I feel like my family doesn't care enough about what today is: MY SON'S BIRTHDAY! Nobody talks about it but me?! I know that it's a hard subject, trust me! It's very hard for ME TOO! But please don't act like he didn't even happen, don't act like today is just another day! IT MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT JUST ANOTHER DAY! My son would be 1 today! This is a huge day! They all knew that the ONE thing that I really wanted to do, the one thing I asked for, was the balloon release! Not a lot to ask for, right? Nobody even was mentioning it today?! I didn't drive here to the coast, we all came in my grandparent's van, so it's not like I can just hop in my car and go get the balloons. I was hinting at going to get them all day, and it just seemed like no one was interested or into doing it :( They did want to go to the beach and fly their stupid kites though. Finally after I was obviously upset that we hadn't been to get the balloons, did my dad offer to take me to the store, and even then he acted like it was a hassle, barely spoke to me on the car ride to Safeway and then while I went in to get them he just sat and waited in the car :( It just confirms how alone I feel. Nobody (except my BLMs) gets it. They don't understand, and I'm not angry about that, in fact I'm glad they don't know what this feels like because it really sucks. I just wish they understood how important these things are to me. At any rate we got the balloons, everyone had a balloon to write a special little message to Gabriel, and everyone did. Summer the the balloons go and it was good.

I hate the way I feel today.. so sad and bitter and a little angry. I am totally aware that it's crazy BUT I see everyone's statuses today and they have to do with sports games or everyday things and I can't help but think "How can these ppl be talking/thinking about these everyday unimportant (in the big scheme of things) things when my son is dead!? It's his 1st birthday today, and hes dead! I'm so sad, I'm devastated, I'm a mess and they are concerned with the game today?!? Seriously? Urgh... I  feel rude for even thinking these things. But grief isn't always the most rational is it? I can't expect everyone's world and life to stop just because I'm hurting, but it just seems so unfair.

Overall the weekend at the coast has been a very peaceful one. I'll be sad to go tomorrow, but happy to get back home.


Gabriel Jr~

Happy 1st Birthday Buddy! I love you so soooo much! I hope you're having a great big celebration with all of your angel friends! Did Leila make you a cake? I bet she did! Did you get your balloons?? Sissy let them all go for you to tonight :) We miss you so much buddy, I would give anything in the world and then some for us to be able to spend this special day together. Have a great birthday son. XOXO
Love,
Mama

As most of you know Gabriel's 1st birthday is this Saturday. Such a bitter/sweet day :/
Summer, My dad, My Paternal Grandparents and I are going to spend the weekend at the coast. We leave in the morning. We're gonna take Summer to the aquarium and let her fly her kite. Much time will be spent on the beach, I love to collect shells and unique rocks. I want to visit some tide pools and take a LONG walk by myself by the water. I'm bringing my camera and I plan to take a billion pictures, I'll be doing names in the sand for my BLMs & we're going to do a balloon release on the beach for his birthday and I will also like to do a candle lighting on his 1 year angelversary (the 8th).

I hope that I don't spend the whole weekend in tears & a total mess. I'm going to try my best to enjoy this trip, but that may be easier said than done. We shall see..

I'm taking my laptop with me, the house is supposed to have wireless Internet, I hope it really does. If so I'll be checkin in every night. I need to get packing now and I'm super exhausted :( I miss him so much.


Gabriel~
Hey buddy! I can't believe that you're 2 days away from being 1!!! It feels like you were born yesterday, and it feels like it was a million years ago all at once. I love you sooo much little man, and I'd give anything to have you healthy and happy and here with Summer and I! We miss you so much!! There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think about you, in fact Summer and I talk about you, or talk to you every single day. Please be with us this weekend at the coast, we're going to have a little party for you, we'll send some balloons up to Heaven for you. Maybe you could send me a sign that you're near, something that I can't miss baby, I sure could use that right about now. I LOVE YOU GABRIEL! Goodnight buddy. Sweet dreams.

Love,
Mommy

One week from today will be Gabriel's first birthday & the 8th will be his 1 year angelversary :( I have been consumed with sadness for the past month or so. I've been feeling the dates creep up closer and closer and I don't know how I'll get through all these emotions again. I feel like Gabriel was here just yesterday, and at the same time I feel like it was a million years ago. I guess I felt like these hard dates would never come, and that with everything we've been through already somehow we would be spared these anniversaries. I know it sounds strange, especially to anyone reading this who hasn't had to say goodbye to their baby. But these are the feeling I've been facing, and it's like someone is tearing off the scab to my wound.

I will be spending next Friday, Saturday and Sunday at the coast with my daughter, paternal grandparents and my father. The only thing that I've planned is a balloon release on Saturday. I know I should plan more but for some reason I'm avoiding planning anything... I guess it's because I don't want to face that day yet, I'm not ready. Why won't time stand still for me? Just for a while, until I catch my breath again? I can't believe my son would be a year old! The party we would throw! The first birthday is always such a big deal! I'm afraid I'll spend the whole trip in tear and ruin the weekend for everyone, I will try to be strong, but once the dam breaks... I can promise nothing. I just needed to release some feelings and vent. I would journal but I like blogging better now and I like it that people can read this and give a little feed back if they want to.

I love you Gabriel! And I miss you soooo much! Almost 1 buddy <3

It's the most sad and most beautiful thing that I'm connected to all of these amazing women through grief!! Is that what a beautiful disaster is? I have never met so many beautiful, strong, kind, and amazing people, so gentle and supportive, never judging what I say or how I'm feeling, instead they tell me it's okay and they understand how I could be feeling this way. Nobody talks about me behind my back saying: "I'm not normal, not dealing with this the "normal" way" or that: "I'm obsessed" with Gabriel. It's ironic that the world's most shitty club to belong to, has the most beautiful members I've ever met... ever!

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for being who u are.
And a special thanks to Kalialani for designing this awesome blog for me :) Thank you!

I can't stand: fake friends, people who talk behind other people's backs, backstabbers, people who judge others and people who walk out of your life when things get rough!


Just had to vent a little! I'm tired of hearing and seeing people judge us BLMs for what we do, what we say, what we post... EVERY LITTLE THING! I would never wish the loss of a baby on ANYONE! Not even someone that I hate. All I have to say is that someone who hasn't lost a baby has NO IDEA what it feels like, what they would do, say, feel, think or act like. Do not judge us, do not tell people what you would or would not do if it were you. It is not you, it is not your child, it is not your loss. Please have a little compassion, understanding, sympathy and a little respect.


~*Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.*~

Lately I've been feeling so lonely and very alone in everything I do. I can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely and alone :( Whats that about? Do you think all BLMs feel like this? Or is it just me? Gabriel Jr's 1 year birthday and angel day approaching quickly and I've been feeling sooo super moody and full of feelings...


Hmmm. I do feel like Gabe Sr. just up and bailed on us, maybe thats it? *SIGH* Whatever it is, I feel alone, and I don't like it. I can't wait to meet a good man that is worth my time, one that actually gives a damn about me, and us. One that actually wants a good future, has dreams and goals. Am I not worth all that? Have I had all of my happiness already? I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of starting over again and again! It sucks! Why did Gabe have to do this to us? Why didn't he care? Why did he pick drugs and alcohol over us? Didn't he know I needed him to get it together? Didn't he know that I needed him more than ever? Maybe he did and just didn't want me..


God, listen to me..
ewww, how pathetic!
Sorry I'm just tired of being alone all the time. I love hard and I have so much love to share with someone who deserves it. I just hope hes out there. Blahhhh!


I think I need to go to bed..

One more thing! I wanted to share this poem with you, I didn't write it, my friend found it for us. I love it && I hope you like it too.


I looked toward the clouds today
and for a moment saw your face
And wondered just where you have gone
with the hope it's a peaceful place
Did you show yourself to me today
to tell me you're allright?
Or was it just a day dream
playing tricks upon my sight?
Then I thought of when you left
still too young to say a word
Yet the look you gave us said it all
in our hearts your goodbye was heard
You have changed our lives forever
your short time here was not in vain
and hope you know we tried it all
to keep you safe from pain
We will always feel the void inside
because you are not here
But each new thought you send our way
lets us know your always near
So until our journey nears it's end
and we hear the angels sing
we'll face each new day as it comes
and live off the LOVE you bring.



Gabriel~


Hey buddy! Sissy and I wanted to say we love you and miss you sooo much! We think about you and talk about you every day. Be good honey and send us some angel love sometimes to let us know you're around and watchin over us :) As long as I live, you will live. Rest my tiny angel.


Love,
Mommy <3

Hello. I'm a little unsure of what to write here. So I guess I'll just start typing. Here goes nothin...


My name is Sara, my friends and family call me Sare, you are welcome to call me either :) I'm 26 years old, but I still feel 16 and I wonder if I always will feel this young. I live in a small town in North West Oregon, I have lived in this little hill-billy town most of my life :) Please try not to hold that against me! The past 3 years have been the hardest years my family and I have ever had. I've never known so much loss in my whole life as I have in these past few years. I'm trying to stay positive and not let life harden me too much, BUT I'm going to be honest & tell you that I'm finding it harder and harder with each passing day. 


It all started going downhill on October 30th 2008 I was about 12 weeks pregnant! We were so happy! My daughter Summer (she is from a previous relationship. So Gabe is not her biological father) was soooo excited that she was gonna have a baby brother or sister!! My boyfriend (at that time), Gabe and I were going to our first OB visit! We were ecstatic and we couldn't wait to see the ultra sound image our lil tiny baby! Our excitement quickly turned into devastation when the Dr. told us that our baby was only measuring at about 9 weeks and no longer had a heartbeat :(  We were crushed. I had a D&C on 11/04/08.


The next horrible event occurred in the early hours of 12/06/09, my 19 year old sister lost her husband, 20 year old Joseph Kuebert or as we called him "Q" to suicide. They were only married 6 weeks :(  I would have to say this is the first time something truly and completely "ROCKED" our family. It was so horrible and so final. Suicide is that way, so final.


On 08/13/2009 My great grandmother passes away. She lived a good life and was very old. But it still hurt.


And finally the event that has left me forever changed: the birth and death of my son Gabriel Frank Grajiola Jr. He was born 09/04/2009 and received his wings on 09/08/2009. I'm heartbroken over the loss of my sweet lil Gabriel, and I feel so robbed. I think of him every single day, I love him every single day and I miss him every single day, so much that it's painful and I feel it all the way to the depths of my soul. I do want to share Gabriel's story with you, but it's late and I don't have the energy to type that all out tonight, so I'll save that for another post on another day.


My daughter is 4 now. After she was born I always said that she saved my life. She was the only "surprise" baby. Both the baby I miscarried and my son Gabriel were both planned and very much wanted babies. Before I was pregnant with Summer I was headed down a road that was leading to nowhere fast She did save my life! I fell in love the very first sight of her! & I knew that the only thing that really mattered now was her and I had to do good for her and be the best mother I'm able to be. I love being a mommy and I have so much love to give. And now Summer continues to save my life everyday. If it weren't for her I'm very afraid that I would be dealing with all this or would have dealt with all of this in a very different, veryyy bad kind of way. :(  But I keep on going and I keep on pushing forward everyday. As a new friend said: "Summer continues to be my saving grace" So true.


I think that this is where I'll stop for today. I hope I didn't ramble on too much or confuse anyone by jumping all over the place. I'm off to get Summer ready for bed then we're gonna watch a little "Never-ending story"  :) Until next time..


Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite! If they do, hit them with a shoe until they're black n blue! Sweet dreams~