One week from today will be Gabriel's first birthday & the 8th will be his 1 year angelversary :( I have been consumed with sadness for the past month or so. I've been feeling the dates creep up closer and closer and I don't know how I'll get through all these emotions again. I feel like Gabriel was here just yesterday, and at the same time I feel like it was a million years ago. I guess I felt like these hard dates would never come, and that with everything we've been through already somehow we would be spared these anniversaries. I know it sounds strange, especially to anyone reading this who hasn't had to say goodbye to their baby. But these are the feeling I've been facing, and it's like someone is tearing off the scab to my wound.

I will be spending next Friday, Saturday and Sunday at the coast with my daughter, paternal grandparents and my father. The only thing that I've planned is a balloon release on Saturday. I know I should plan more but for some reason I'm avoiding planning anything... I guess it's because I don't want to face that day yet, I'm not ready. Why won't time stand still for me? Just for a while, until I catch my breath again? I can't believe my son would be a year old! The party we would throw! The first birthday is always such a big deal! I'm afraid I'll spend the whole trip in tear and ruin the weekend for everyone, I will try to be strong, but once the dam breaks... I can promise nothing. I just needed to release some feelings and vent. I would journal but I like blogging better now and I like it that people can read this and give a little feed back if they want to.

I love you Gabriel! And I miss you soooo much! Almost 1 buddy <3

It's the most sad and most beautiful thing that I'm connected to all of these amazing women through grief!! Is that what a beautiful disaster is? I have never met so many beautiful, strong, kind, and amazing people, so gentle and supportive, never judging what I say or how I'm feeling, instead they tell me it's okay and they understand how I could be feeling this way. Nobody talks about me behind my back saying: "I'm not normal, not dealing with this the "normal" way" or that: "I'm obsessed" with Gabriel. It's ironic that the world's most shitty club to belong to, has the most beautiful members I've ever met... ever!

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for being who u are.
And a special thanks to Kalialani for designing this awesome blog for me :) Thank you!

I can't stand: fake friends, people who talk behind other people's backs, backstabbers, people who judge others and people who walk out of your life when things get rough!


Just had to vent a little! I'm tired of hearing and seeing people judge us BLMs for what we do, what we say, what we post... EVERY LITTLE THING! I would never wish the loss of a baby on ANYONE! Not even someone that I hate. All I have to say is that someone who hasn't lost a baby has NO IDEA what it feels like, what they would do, say, feel, think or act like. Do not judge us, do not tell people what you would or would not do if it were you. It is not you, it is not your child, it is not your loss. Please have a little compassion, understanding, sympathy and a little respect.


~*Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.*~

Lately I've been feeling so lonely and very alone in everything I do. I can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely and alone :( Whats that about? Do you think all BLMs feel like this? Or is it just me? Gabriel Jr's 1 year birthday and angel day approaching quickly and I've been feeling sooo super moody and full of feelings...


Hmmm. I do feel like Gabe Sr. just up and bailed on us, maybe thats it? *SIGH* Whatever it is, I feel alone, and I don't like it. I can't wait to meet a good man that is worth my time, one that actually gives a damn about me, and us. One that actually wants a good future, has dreams and goals. Am I not worth all that? Have I had all of my happiness already? I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of starting over again and again! It sucks! Why did Gabe have to do this to us? Why didn't he care? Why did he pick drugs and alcohol over us? Didn't he know I needed him to get it together? Didn't he know that I needed him more than ever? Maybe he did and just didn't want me..


God, listen to me..
ewww, how pathetic!
Sorry I'm just tired of being alone all the time. I love hard and I have so much love to share with someone who deserves it. I just hope hes out there. Blahhhh!


I think I need to go to bed..

One more thing! I wanted to share this poem with you, I didn't write it, my friend found it for us. I love it && I hope you like it too.


I looked toward the clouds today
and for a moment saw your face
And wondered just where you have gone
with the hope it's a peaceful place
Did you show yourself to me today
to tell me you're allright?
Or was it just a day dream
playing tricks upon my sight?
Then I thought of when you left
still too young to say a word
Yet the look you gave us said it all
in our hearts your goodbye was heard
You have changed our lives forever
your short time here was not in vain
and hope you know we tried it all
to keep you safe from pain
We will always feel the void inside
because you are not here
But each new thought you send our way
lets us know your always near
So until our journey nears it's end
and we hear the angels sing
we'll face each new day as it comes
and live off the LOVE you bring.



Gabriel~


Hey buddy! Sissy and I wanted to say we love you and miss you sooo much! We think about you and talk about you every day. Be good honey and send us some angel love sometimes to let us know you're around and watchin over us :) As long as I live, you will live. Rest my tiny angel.


Love,
Mommy <3

Hello. I'm a little unsure of what to write here. So I guess I'll just start typing. Here goes nothin...


My name is Sara, my friends and family call me Sare, you are welcome to call me either :) I'm 26 years old, but I still feel 16 and I wonder if I always will feel this young. I live in a small town in North West Oregon, I have lived in this little hill-billy town most of my life :) Please try not to hold that against me! The past 3 years have been the hardest years my family and I have ever had. I've never known so much loss in my whole life as I have in these past few years. I'm trying to stay positive and not let life harden me too much, BUT I'm going to be honest & tell you that I'm finding it harder and harder with each passing day. 


It all started going downhill on October 30th 2008 I was about 12 weeks pregnant! We were so happy! My daughter Summer (she is from a previous relationship. So Gabe is not her biological father) was soooo excited that she was gonna have a baby brother or sister!! My boyfriend (at that time), Gabe and I were going to our first OB visit! We were ecstatic and we couldn't wait to see the ultra sound image our lil tiny baby! Our excitement quickly turned into devastation when the Dr. told us that our baby was only measuring at about 9 weeks and no longer had a heartbeat :(  We were crushed. I had a D&C on 11/04/08.


The next horrible event occurred in the early hours of 12/06/09, my 19 year old sister lost her husband, 20 year old Joseph Kuebert or as we called him "Q" to suicide. They were only married 6 weeks :(  I would have to say this is the first time something truly and completely "ROCKED" our family. It was so horrible and so final. Suicide is that way, so final.


On 08/13/2009 My great grandmother passes away. She lived a good life and was very old. But it still hurt.


And finally the event that has left me forever changed: the birth and death of my son Gabriel Frank Grajiola Jr. He was born 09/04/2009 and received his wings on 09/08/2009. I'm heartbroken over the loss of my sweet lil Gabriel, and I feel so robbed. I think of him every single day, I love him every single day and I miss him every single day, so much that it's painful and I feel it all the way to the depths of my soul. I do want to share Gabriel's story with you, but it's late and I don't have the energy to type that all out tonight, so I'll save that for another post on another day.


My daughter is 4 now. After she was born I always said that she saved my life. She was the only "surprise" baby. Both the baby I miscarried and my son Gabriel were both planned and very much wanted babies. Before I was pregnant with Summer I was headed down a road that was leading to nowhere fast She did save my life! I fell in love the very first sight of her! & I knew that the only thing that really mattered now was her and I had to do good for her and be the best mother I'm able to be. I love being a mommy and I have so much love to give. And now Summer continues to save my life everyday. If it weren't for her I'm very afraid that I would be dealing with all this or would have dealt with all of this in a very different, veryyy bad kind of way. :(  But I keep on going and I keep on pushing forward everyday. As a new friend said: "Summer continues to be my saving grace" So true.


I think that this is where I'll stop for today. I hope I didn't ramble on too much or confuse anyone by jumping all over the place. I'm off to get Summer ready for bed then we're gonna watch a little "Never-ending story"  :) Until next time..


Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite! If they do, hit them with a shoe until they're black n blue! Sweet dreams~