We found out at our first OB visit that Angel Rose had no heart beat. I would have been 12 weeks along & she was only measuring at 9 weeks. We were devastated. I had my D&C on 09/04/2008 (my brother Cooper's birthday) :( Sad sad days. I HATE that everything is an anniversary, angelversary or a marker date. All sad. I don't know if I'll ever stop counting the days.
Today, I was busy most of the day on purpose. I always get sad and DOWN in the evenings and nights. Everything slows down, I'm getting tired and that tends to bring out my emotions too. However, tonight, I'm not only tired, down and sad I'm fucking ANGRY at EVERYTHING && EVERYONE! Urghhhh and I'm even angry that I'm angry! That is not the person I want to be, but I cannot help it.
Thats all I have right now, I refuse to vomit up anymore anger right now. I'll check back in later or tomorrow. I'm sorry guys... I just don't know anymore.
Who am I?
Sunday, October 24, 2010
I feel like I've totally lost myself ladies.
This is nothing new for me. I have been feeling this way for a long time now, and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel like I know myself, or if I'll ever be the Sara I knew and loved before. I mean I know we all grow and change and LIFE happens to us and is ever-changing who we are in some fashion. But I feel so lost. I'm a very self-less person, I will give you the shirt off of my back, and freeze to death as long as you have what you need. I will lend you $500 dollars even if that leaves me flat ass broke. I give and give and give so much of myself that I feel like I have nothing left, and what I do have left I have no idea what it is or what to do with it.
Okay first of all I'm gonna give you all a little time line of when I started feeling confused as to where good ol' Sara when and when I started losing who I WAS:
2005: Got with Summer's dad. Became "Jamal&Sara" not Jamal and Sara. I was like his girl/mom/maid/bank.
2006: Summer is born. Now I'm "Jamal&Sara the mom" All I ever really wanted to be was a mom. But the line between Sara and mom got blurred. I didn't know how to be anything else anymore.
April 2008: Left Summer's father and moved back home to live with my dad. Me, Summer and my cranky ass grumpy dad all smooshed into a tiny 2 bedroom house. Awesome. So now I feel like a child again, and BTW am treated like one too.
July 2008: Got with Gabe. I have known him since high school... lol just so everyone knows I'm not a big whore or anything. lol.
September 2008: Find out that I'm 4 weeks pregnant with Gabe's baby which was not an accident by the way. Summer and I move into one of Gabe's parent's tiny ass 1 bedroom apartments. And all Gabe's lies start. Even more Awesome!
October 30th 2008: Ultrasound. No heartbeat. Summer and I named this baby recently. Summer always said it was her baby sister that died in my tummy. We named her Angel Rose Grajiola. That is the ARG you see in my FB status sometimes.
November 4th 2008: D&C :'(
December 6th 2009: My little sister's husband of 6 weeks committed suicide. Shot himself in the head. He was only 20 </3
January 2009: Pregnant with Gabriel.
End of June 2009: Dr calls to say there is something wrong with our son and we need to see a specialist.
August 13th 2009: Great Grandma Viv dies.
September 4th 2009: Gabriel is born a month early delivered via emergency c section. Mama loses so much blood she almost has to have a blood transfusion.
September 8th: We let Gabriel go to Heaven.
Okay so I'll explain: When I have a boyfriend, Sara&"Man". It's like I lose myself and my friends and family and make my life all about the man and about us. I have always loved LOSERS... soooo that usually means I do everything to take care of the loser man and get nothing in return. Just used up and mistreated and thrown away. NOT GOOD. I know but I always do that and it's shitty.
Example 2: After I had Summer, my life became 100% percent about Summer and being Mom, which don't get me wrong my kids will ALWAYS come first no matter what! But I forgot how to be an adult and I forgot how to be me and I stopped taking care of myself and my needs. I don't know how to be mom and be Sara :( I have learned a little but shes 4 and it's taken me this long.
Example 3: My relationship with Gabriel's father (Gabe) *sigh* I really did actually sigh... lol...
I don't even know where to start with that. He is an addict, an alcoholic and a good liar, I believe with everything I have that no matter what he said/says he was using Meth throughout our entire relationship and stealing from not only me and Summer but my family and others too! I feel stupid! And SOOO ANGRY! He fucked me up mentally and emotionally SOOOOOOOOO MUCHHHHH! I can't even begin to tell you, there are so many things that he lied about it's insane, yet I wanted him so badly to be the person he was pretending to be, I thought I could help him :( If I loved him enough, if I gave him what he wanted more than anything in this world: A BABY! That he would stop all the bull shit and get his life together and his head on straight. Guilt monster: I couldn't give him a baby. He wanted our son more than anything in this world. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything, I don't know. But it changed me. I live in a small town and I've yet to run into him since our split, but I hear things all the time about how hes such a loser and tweakin non stop. It makes me sick. And when I moved out of our apartment I only took what I need until I could come back and get the rest of my stuff... well Gabe cleaned me out. EVERYTHING. Right down to mine and Summer's cats. Gabriel's mementos, locks of hair, footprints, his blankey that I used to sleep with every single night and plaster hand print. Thank God I took his urn with me when I left. My heart is BROKEN. I want some of my babies things too. This makes me think that I've become so stupid. Everyone said he's gonna shit on you Sara. Thank you Gabe for making a fool of me.
And then there is Gabriel. I feel guilty. I'm gonna be so honest here. I was scared when I found out I was pregnant again because of the relationship I had with Gabe wasn't very healthy. There were times that I wished I wasn't pregnant, or that I was just without Gabe in the picture. Gabe and I fought and screamed at each other a lot during my pregnancy. I wanted Gabriel to be a girl at first. When we found out he was a boy I was disappointed and scared, I cried. I didn't think I would know what to do with a boy, and I honestly didn't expect that Gabe would stick around and that I'd be trying to raise this boy not knowing what I was doing. I eventually started to get excited about having a boy and we started buying boy stuff and I was okay with it, shortly after we got that call from the Dr saying that there were some things going on with the baby and we would have to go see a specialist. :( Please don't judge me about what I told in this paragraph, it was very hard for me to be this honest and the guilt already eats me alive every day. More guilt: I didn't spend day and night with him in the NICU. I didn't bathe him, I didn't dress him, I didn't change his diaper. Irrational guilt: When he was gone, I just left him there. There at the hospital, like I should have brought him home with me. Crazy? maybe. But I felt like I abandoned my baby. When I came home I asked my dad to put all Summer's baby dolls in the closet, He looked at me like I need to be in the nut house, but he did it. I still have a hard time seeing her baby dolls. Oh Jesus, am I crazy?
So I'm Co-dependant (or something like it) I'm a mom, I'm a mom to 2 angels, I'm a nut case and I'm kind of a screwed up lost version of the Sara I used to be. How do I mesh all this into me? How do I find out who I am or how do I become the Sara I want to be? At 26 I feel like I should already know this!!!!
WHO AM I????
This is nothing new for me. I have been feeling this way for a long time now, and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel like I know myself, or if I'll ever be the Sara I knew and loved before. I mean I know we all grow and change and LIFE happens to us and is ever-changing who we are in some fashion. But I feel so lost. I'm a very self-less person, I will give you the shirt off of my back, and freeze to death as long as you have what you need. I will lend you $500 dollars even if that leaves me flat ass broke. I give and give and give so much of myself that I feel like I have nothing left, and what I do have left I have no idea what it is or what to do with it.
Okay first of all I'm gonna give you all a little time line of when I started feeling confused as to where good ol' Sara when and when I started losing who I WAS:
2005: Got with Summer's dad. Became "Jamal&Sara" not Jamal and Sara. I was like his girl/mom/maid/bank.
2006: Summer is born. Now I'm "Jamal&Sara the mom" All I ever really wanted to be was a mom. But the line between Sara and mom got blurred. I didn't know how to be anything else anymore.
April 2008: Left Summer's father and moved back home to live with my dad. Me, Summer and my cranky ass grumpy dad all smooshed into a tiny 2 bedroom house. Awesome. So now I feel like a child again, and BTW am treated like one too.
July 2008: Got with Gabe. I have known him since high school... lol just so everyone knows I'm not a big whore or anything. lol.
September 2008: Find out that I'm 4 weeks pregnant with Gabe's baby which was not an accident by the way. Summer and I move into one of Gabe's parent's tiny ass 1 bedroom apartments. And all Gabe's lies start. Even more Awesome!
October 30th 2008: Ultrasound. No heartbeat. Summer and I named this baby recently. Summer always said it was her baby sister that died in my tummy. We named her Angel Rose Grajiola. That is the ARG you see in my FB status sometimes.
November 4th 2008: D&C :'(
December 6th 2009: My little sister's husband of 6 weeks committed suicide. Shot himself in the head. He was only 20 </3
January 2009: Pregnant with Gabriel.
End of June 2009: Dr calls to say there is something wrong with our son and we need to see a specialist.
August 13th 2009: Great Grandma Viv dies.
September 4th 2009: Gabriel is born a month early delivered via emergency c section. Mama loses so much blood she almost has to have a blood transfusion.
September 8th: We let Gabriel go to Heaven.
Okay so I'll explain: When I have a boyfriend, Sara&"Man". It's like I lose myself and my friends and family and make my life all about the man and about us. I have always loved LOSERS... soooo that usually means I do everything to take care of the loser man and get nothing in return. Just used up and mistreated and thrown away. NOT GOOD. I know but I always do that and it's shitty.
Example 2: After I had Summer, my life became 100% percent about Summer and being Mom, which don't get me wrong my kids will ALWAYS come first no matter what! But I forgot how to be an adult and I forgot how to be me and I stopped taking care of myself and my needs. I don't know how to be mom and be Sara :( I have learned a little but shes 4 and it's taken me this long.
Example 3: My relationship with Gabriel's father (Gabe) *sigh* I really did actually sigh... lol...
I don't even know where to start with that. He is an addict, an alcoholic and a good liar, I believe with everything I have that no matter what he said/says he was using Meth throughout our entire relationship and stealing from not only me and Summer but my family and others too! I feel stupid! And SOOO ANGRY! He fucked me up mentally and emotionally SOOOOOOOOO MUCHHHHH! I can't even begin to tell you, there are so many things that he lied about it's insane, yet I wanted him so badly to be the person he was pretending to be, I thought I could help him :( If I loved him enough, if I gave him what he wanted more than anything in this world: A BABY! That he would stop all the bull shit and get his life together and his head on straight. Guilt monster: I couldn't give him a baby. He wanted our son more than anything in this world. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything, I don't know. But it changed me. I live in a small town and I've yet to run into him since our split, but I hear things all the time about how hes such a loser and tweakin non stop. It makes me sick. And when I moved out of our apartment I only took what I need until I could come back and get the rest of my stuff... well Gabe cleaned me out. EVERYTHING. Right down to mine and Summer's cats. Gabriel's mementos, locks of hair, footprints, his blankey that I used to sleep with every single night and plaster hand print. Thank God I took his urn with me when I left. My heart is BROKEN. I want some of my babies things too. This makes me think that I've become so stupid. Everyone said he's gonna shit on you Sara. Thank you Gabe for making a fool of me.
And then there is Gabriel. I feel guilty. I'm gonna be so honest here. I was scared when I found out I was pregnant again because of the relationship I had with Gabe wasn't very healthy. There were times that I wished I wasn't pregnant, or that I was just without Gabe in the picture. Gabe and I fought and screamed at each other a lot during my pregnancy. I wanted Gabriel to be a girl at first. When we found out he was a boy I was disappointed and scared, I cried. I didn't think I would know what to do with a boy, and I honestly didn't expect that Gabe would stick around and that I'd be trying to raise this boy not knowing what I was doing. I eventually started to get excited about having a boy and we started buying boy stuff and I was okay with it, shortly after we got that call from the Dr saying that there were some things going on with the baby and we would have to go see a specialist. :( Please don't judge me about what I told in this paragraph, it was very hard for me to be this honest and the guilt already eats me alive every day. More guilt: I didn't spend day and night with him in the NICU. I didn't bathe him, I didn't dress him, I didn't change his diaper. Irrational guilt: When he was gone, I just left him there. There at the hospital, like I should have brought him home with me. Crazy? maybe. But I felt like I abandoned my baby. When I came home I asked my dad to put all Summer's baby dolls in the closet, He looked at me like I need to be in the nut house, but he did it. I still have a hard time seeing her baby dolls. Oh Jesus, am I crazy?
So I'm Co-dependant (or something like it) I'm a mom, I'm a mom to 2 angels, I'm a nut case and I'm kind of a screwed up lost version of the Sara I used to be. How do I mesh all this into me? How do I find out who I am or how do I become the Sara I want to be? At 26 I feel like I should already know this!!!!
WHO AM I????
MySpaceBulletins
Saturday, October 23, 2010
The Story of Me
TAKE THIS SURVEY!
THE BEGINNINGS OF ME:
TODAYS DATE:10/23/2010
MY NAME IS:
Sara
AND I CAME INTO THIS WORLD ON:
04/06/1984
IN THE CITY/STATE OF:
Lebanon, Oregon
THE DOCTOR YELLED:
*tears of joy?*That is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen!!! (lol, idk what the Dr said? shehe
AND MY FAMILY RESPONDED WITH:
? tears of joy... lol
MY FAMILY CONSISTED OF:
Mom, Dad & Me
THE CURRENT ME:
NOW I RESIDE IN:Good ol' Sweet Home, Oregon
WITH:
My daughter Summer and I rent the lower level of my Grandparents house.
MY HAIR IS NOW:
*sigh* I just had it done and it didn't turn out how I wanted it to....at all!
AND MY EYES ARE:
Deep brown
IVE GOTTEN TALLER TOO; IM :
5'4"
MY BODY IS BEST DESCRIBED AS:
Too BIG (I'm workin on that)
AS FAR AS TATTOOS GO:
Love em! I have 3 currently BUT there will be more to come!!
AND AS FOR PIERCINGS:
I'm addicted. Nostril, monroe, lip, a total of 9 in my ears. I'm gonna get my nape pierced next!!
MY BEST FEATURE IS:
BLEH! NONE!
IVE INHERITED MOST OF MY LOOKS FROM:
My dad
AS FOR GLASSES/CONTACTS:
Neither, but I think I might need them :/
AND MY SHOES ARE A SIZE:
8.5
IM MOST COMFORTABLE WEARING:
Jeans and T-shirt
MY LIKES/DISLIKES:
AS FAR AS SMOKING GOES:sometimes I do, sometimes i don't
AND AS FOR DRINKING:
Don't really do that anymore
AND WHEN IT COMES TO DRUGS:
I've done more than my fair share of drugs but that all stopped when I got pregnant with Summer. <3
THINGS I LOOK FOR IN A MATE INCLUDE:
Must love my daughter! Honesty. Responsible. Tall, Dark and handsome... lol
THINGS THAT WOULD TURN ME OFF INCLUDE:
Lies, drugs, drunks, lazyness, immature, bad manners, dirtyness.. ect.
MY LONGEST ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP SO FAR:
3 years
IS THERE MARRIAGE IN MY FUTURE?:
No
MY FAVORITES:
FLOWER:Tulip
FOOD:
All kinds, thats why I'm so BIG!
JUNK FOOD:
Hmmm fast food? that counts as junk food right?
RESTAURANT:
Olive Garden/Roadhouse
TYPE OF MUSIC:
Rap/Hip Hop/ R&B
BAND/ARTIST:
Tupac!!
SONG:
IDK I've been listening to a lot of Tech N9ne lately..
NON-ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE:
Diet Pepsi fo sho
ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE:
Anything in a shot glass
ICE CREAM FLAVOR:
Vanilla
BOOK:
Twilight Saga
MAGAZINE:
Cosmo
TV SHOW:
Jersey Shore
SPORT:
Softball
3 THINGS I JUST LOVE IN GENERAL:
thunderstorms, sweat pants and Scentsy
3 THINGS I CANT STAND:
Barney, Nagging, Rude people
MY FUTURE:
WHERE ID LIKE TO LIVE:Eugene
WHAT SIZE FAMILY ID LIKE TO HAVE:
I'd like to have at least 1 more child but no more that 4 total
MY GOALS FOR THE NEXT YEAR INCLUDE:
Lose 65 pounds
MY GOALS FOR THE NEXT 5 YEARS INCLUDE:
Buy a house, get a new car, make sure Summer is as happy and as healthy as she can possibly be.
MY WINNING PERSONALITY!:
HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU SPEND ONLINE DAILY?Wayyyyyyy Toooooo muchhhh! lol
ARE YOU OBSESSIVE/COMPULSIVE?
when it comes to some things, yes I am.
DO YOU TRUST EASILY?
yes, thats why i get screwed over so much.
DO YOU FORGIVE EASILY?
yes, that why I keep getting screwed over..
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?
Eh, sometimes
WITH OTHERS, IN GENERAL?
yes
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Death
AND YOUR BIGGEST WEAKNESS?
I trust and love easily and hard.
ARE YOU EASILY ANGERED?
hmmm yeah I guess. I'm annoyed VERY EASILY. lol
HOW DO YOU VENT YOUR ANGER?
talk to friends, blog, write in journal ect.
ARE YOU DEPRESSED OFTEN?
yes
DO YOU OFTEN GET DESCRIBED AS A BITCH?
probably and I don't care.
ARE YOU:
SHY?very
TRUSTWORTHY?
very
NICE?
yes
MEAN?
if you give me a reason to be
COMPASSIONATE?
very
CARING?
very
HONEST?
yes
FUNNY?
i try
FRIENDLY?
yes, but I'm shy
SMART?
no
SARCASTIC?
oh yeah!
DEPENDABLE?
most of the time... lol
RELIGIOUS?
nope
MATURE?
i think so
EMOTIONALLY STRONG?
Nooooo
POLITE?
yes
LAZY?
kinda
OUTGOING?
noooo
POSITIVE?
at times
CONTROLLING?
somewhat
STUBBORN?
Ba ha ha ha Hell yeah I am
ROMANTIC?
kinda
JEALOUS?
not unless I have a reason to be
INSECURE?
yes
PUNCTUAL?
no
RATIONAL?
yes
TOLERANT OF OTHERS?
yes
A FELON?
not yet ;)
CLICK HERE TO TAKE THIS SURVEY!
MySpace Surveys
Happy 13 month angelversary Gabriel Frank Grajiola JR! & more....
Friday, October 8, 2010
Gabriel~
Hey buddy. I miss you so much & I love you even more. Lately I find myself thinking about you more and more, I didn't even think it was possible to think of you anymore than I already was, but it is cuz I have been. I wonder what you would be doing right now & what you'd look like? Would you look more like me or like your daddy? I sure hope that you'd at least act like me and NOT like your father, if you acted like him I would sure have my hands full! Summer misses you sooo much too! She talks about you all the time, I think she mentions you daily! We sure wish you were here having a "camp out" in the living room tonight. Sissy loves to do this on the weekends & I kinda like it too, I think you'd enjoy it also. I would love it if you'd give me a sign that you're still hanging around from time to time and that you're watching over us, one that I can't miss or visit me in a dream, that would be beautiful <3 i love you baby, forever and alway. I feel so empty without you and Angel. Take care of each other up there and be nice to the other babies. I love you both. XOXO.
Love,
Mommy
Soooo this week has been crazy madness! Monday: I got off work early to take Summer to the doctor for her 4 year old well child visit, she ended up having to have 4 shots (2 in each thigh) & the nasal flu "sniff". It was horrible, she got the "air jetted" shots (not recommend BTW) & I had to totally body check her... hold her down kicking and screaming! Total meltdown mode! I finally got her all calmed down, she collected her stickers from the poor nurse, (I would hate to have the job of giving all the shots to the little ones) and we got out to our car & started to make the 45 minute drive home. We stopped in about halfway home to pick up my prescriptions and I needed to use the restroom, Summer said she didn't have to go so I told her to wait outside my stall door and to stay right there where I could be able to see her little feet ( I would have liked her to come into the stall with me, but she did not want to and I didn't feel like fighting with her about it), of course she didn't listen to me, she started looking under all the stalls (how embarrassing) and then I could hear her running around, I finished up & I started walking to the sink so that I could wash my hands & I was yelling to Summer "Summer! Stop running around! Be still and wait for me, I just need to wash my hands!" And then I hear her hit the ground, hard! The wind is knocked out of her, she hit her head, and hit her chin, which is now split open and bleeding pretty good, I rush to her, hold her, comfort her, pull out a band aid that she just so happened to give me earlier in the day and stuck it on her chin. Keep in mind that with the exception of my wisdom teeth removal and my c-sections, I've never had stitches and I don't even think that I've been present during an accident where anyone I know has needed stitches! So I have no idea if this needs to be stitched or not, it looks pretty bad though. We get home and I want to change the band aid and get it all cleaned up. I take off the band aid, BLOOD SOAKED... totally! and then she starts screaming to put the band aid back on and how bad it hurts with the band aid off! I take another look at it and I just know that it needs more attention than I can give it. Soooo I take her to urgent care. Dr says "Yes mom, this needs some stitches" :( Summer is FREAKED! She ends up having to be held down by me, 2 nurses and the Dr to give her the shot to numb her up and stitch her up, I can't handle my baby being scared or hurt anymore this day, soooo I just lose it right there as they are shooting her chin up & I start bawling, kinda like a little baby... urgh, I'm lame. Next stop circle k to get Summer a great big ice cream and then we come home. End of "Summer's worst day ever" her quote. BUT mama gets to watch her all night long and wake her up every few hours to ask her a simple ? DR's orders as she did hit her head pretty good...
Tuesday: We stay home, take it easy, watch Summer closely, and catch up on a lil sleep. Nothing to eventful to report this day.
Wednesday: Back to work for me and back to school for Summer. Also the 1 year marker of my Due date with Gabriel... bitter/sweet, sad day, wishing and wanting things to be different. Lots of thinking..
Thursday: Work for me, crappy jobs that day. School again for Summer. Right after work I come home and have to get Summer and I ready to go up to her school for family night. 3 hours later we are home from family night pooped and ready for bed. Feeling very very drained..
Today: Gabriel's 13 month angelversary :( Nuff said.
Wow.. I feel drained in every way possible. Can I just go to bed and sleep for 2 weeks straight now?
However I'm feeling a lot better since I named Angel and I'm recognizing more and more for what she is: my baby, just because I never got to meet her or even got to see her. I'd been feeling very guilty for not acknowledging her as much as I do Gabriel. Things will be different from here on out.
It seems like everyone is pregnant or having babies, I don't even really want to be pregnant or have a new baby, I just want my babies back, here with Summer and I, happy and healthy :(
I'm soooo tired.
Hey buddy. I miss you so much & I love you even more. Lately I find myself thinking about you more and more, I didn't even think it was possible to think of you anymore than I already was, but it is cuz I have been. I wonder what you would be doing right now & what you'd look like? Would you look more like me or like your daddy? I sure hope that you'd at least act like me and NOT like your father, if you acted like him I would sure have my hands full! Summer misses you sooo much too! She talks about you all the time, I think she mentions you daily! We sure wish you were here having a "camp out" in the living room tonight. Sissy loves to do this on the weekends & I kinda like it too, I think you'd enjoy it also. I would love it if you'd give me a sign that you're still hanging around from time to time and that you're watching over us, one that I can't miss or visit me in a dream, that would be beautiful <3 i love you baby, forever and alway. I feel so empty without you and Angel. Take care of each other up there and be nice to the other babies. I love you both. XOXO.
Love,
Mommy
Soooo this week has been crazy madness! Monday: I got off work early to take Summer to the doctor for her 4 year old well child visit, she ended up having to have 4 shots (2 in each thigh) & the nasal flu "sniff". It was horrible, she got the "air jetted" shots (not recommend BTW) & I had to totally body check her... hold her down kicking and screaming! Total meltdown mode! I finally got her all calmed down, she collected her stickers from the poor nurse, (I would hate to have the job of giving all the shots to the little ones) and we got out to our car & started to make the 45 minute drive home. We stopped in about halfway home to pick up my prescriptions and I needed to use the restroom, Summer said she didn't have to go so I told her to wait outside my stall door and to stay right there where I could be able to see her little feet ( I would have liked her to come into the stall with me, but she did not want to and I didn't feel like fighting with her about it), of course she didn't listen to me, she started looking under all the stalls (how embarrassing) and then I could hear her running around, I finished up & I started walking to the sink so that I could wash my hands & I was yelling to Summer "Summer! Stop running around! Be still and wait for me, I just need to wash my hands!" And then I hear her hit the ground, hard! The wind is knocked out of her, she hit her head, and hit her chin, which is now split open and bleeding pretty good, I rush to her, hold her, comfort her, pull out a band aid that she just so happened to give me earlier in the day and stuck it on her chin. Keep in mind that with the exception of my wisdom teeth removal and my c-sections, I've never had stitches and I don't even think that I've been present during an accident where anyone I know has needed stitches! So I have no idea if this needs to be stitched or not, it looks pretty bad though. We get home and I want to change the band aid and get it all cleaned up. I take off the band aid, BLOOD SOAKED... totally! and then she starts screaming to put the band aid back on and how bad it hurts with the band aid off! I take another look at it and I just know that it needs more attention than I can give it. Soooo I take her to urgent care. Dr says "Yes mom, this needs some stitches" :( Summer is FREAKED! She ends up having to be held down by me, 2 nurses and the Dr to give her the shot to numb her up and stitch her up, I can't handle my baby being scared or hurt anymore this day, soooo I just lose it right there as they are shooting her chin up & I start bawling, kinda like a little baby... urgh, I'm lame. Next stop circle k to get Summer a great big ice cream and then we come home. End of "Summer's worst day ever" her quote. BUT mama gets to watch her all night long and wake her up every few hours to ask her a simple ? DR's orders as she did hit her head pretty good...
Tuesday: We stay home, take it easy, watch Summer closely, and catch up on a lil sleep. Nothing to eventful to report this day.
Wednesday: Back to work for me and back to school for Summer. Also the 1 year marker of my Due date with Gabriel... bitter/sweet, sad day, wishing and wanting things to be different. Lots of thinking..
Thursday: Work for me, crappy jobs that day. School again for Summer. Right after work I come home and have to get Summer and I ready to go up to her school for family night. 3 hours later we are home from family night pooped and ready for bed. Feeling very very drained..
Today: Gabriel's 13 month angelversary :( Nuff said.
Wow.. I feel drained in every way possible. Can I just go to bed and sleep for 2 weeks straight now?
However I'm feeling a lot better since I named Angel and I'm recognizing more and more for what she is: my baby, just because I never got to meet her or even got to see her. I'd been feeling very guilty for not acknowledging her as much as I do Gabriel. Things will be different from here on out.
It seems like everyone is pregnant or having babies, I don't even really want to be pregnant or have a new baby, I just want my babies back, here with Summer and I, happy and healthy :(
I'm soooo tired.
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