La la la laaaahhhh!

I'm depressed. Have been for quite some time. And it's not just one trigger that did it. It's several. My job. My self-esteem. My deafness. My loneliness. My family. Practically... everything, it seems.

I feel this compulsion to run away. To just pack a bag and get in my car and drive, drive, drive. But I can't. I have two young kids & a husband who needs me. It's always something that holds me back from running away. Which then adds to the frustration that I have.

I don't know who I am. Sounds rather cliche but it's true. I was a shy girl in my highschool years. Then after that I "bloomed." I made lots of friends, had lots of parties and went to a lot of dances. But then when I'd go to dances... I didn't get to dance very much. That hurt my self-esteem, but with all the friends I had, it was... ok. Then I met my husband and we were married 7 months after our first date. It was fun being a newlywed but then, being Mormon, was expected to pop those babies out right away. For some reason or another, didn't happen and so I began to withdraw at church. And from my friends - who didn't really want to hang out with a married couple. Anyway, as the years went by, I just withdrew more and more to the point that it was so difficult for me to interact with people at church.

I'm more aware of my deafness again... meaning, the anxiety level has shot way up again. I HATE when I speak to people and they just give me this blank, confused stare when I tell them my name. Instead of repeating it back to me to see if they've heard correctly, they just say, "Oh." And then it immediately becomes awkward and they focus on somebody else. Not cool.

Okay - I need to stop for now. Baby's crying.

I'm tired. All I want is to sleep.

My family and I went out to Sequim, WA for a day trip. On the way over, I was overcome with emotions as it was the same route as one taken a year previously with my mother, my aunt, 2 brothers & a sister. We had driven out to Port Angeles to hear one of the tenors perform at a local highschool. My mother was in love with this man - sorry, his name escapes me at the moment. She was able to get a picture taken of them together. She was so excited about it and how she could touch him. It was so silly and cute to see her acting that way. One of my brothers took the picture and superimposed their image to a picture of a cruise ship in the background. It just tickled my mom to no end. Since she passed away, I've been thinking of sending thank-you notes to people who were sensitive and gracious and compassionate towards to my mom. I wonder if it would be okay to send a copy of the picture to the tenor?

Anyhoo - I love my mom and I miss her terribly.

My mother recently passed away... 10 days before my birthday. My bro and his wife were over for dinner and when we were cleaning up, we got the call. My bro comes into the kitchen, puts his hand on my shoulders and says, "Mom just passed away." My mind went wheeling and all I could think of to say was, "Are you teasing me?" (Yes - there's a LOT of history with teasing - but more on that later.) A look of shock crossed his face and he said he wouldn't kid about something like that. I KNOW that... but it was just an elbow-jerk of a reaction to what he said.

My mother's health went downhill back in the fall of last year, 2005. After a long period of time, she began rehabilitation and was at the point where she could walk 20 steps... 10 of them being unassisted by a claw-footed cane. But then... she started having grand-mal seizures. One thing led to another and her health deteriorated again to the point that she passed away.

I know I'm leaving out a lot of details - I'm not ready to write them yet. The thing is... I don't know how I'm supposed to grieve. I guess I shouldn't rely on what society says I should do but I feel so lost. Little things keep making me cry. Like... Dobies - the washing/scrubbing thingies. I would visit my mother and she always had one that was just nasty - old. So I took it upon myself to supply new ones ever so often. I was at the store the other day - and I saw a pack of Dobies and just teared up. I was at a fabric store and saw a wind-chime that I remember my mother having, and tears just started streaming down my face.

All of these reminders - little inconsequential things I never would have thought would pack a wallop of a memory during this time....

And all I can keep thinking is the (likely mis)quote from the "Pirates of Penzeance" movie - where the Major-General asks the pirates, "Are you saying you're an Orphan as in fffrrrequently? Or Orphan as in one who has lost their parents?"