La la la laaaahhhh!

I did it. With my stomach hurting since I made the appointment, I walked into the clinic this morning and waited for my midwife to come in. 

"So. Post partum."
"Yes......"
"Tell me about it. Do you have feelings of anxiety? Sadness?"
*whispers* "Yes..."
"Let me grab the kleenex... here we go, we're set. Are there specific things that make you sad or is it just all the time?"
"All the... time...."
"What else? Do you have scary thoughts?"
"I get anxious and sad... *tears well up* And no, I don't have scary thoughts like I want to hurt myself or my family. But... I do think about running away."
"Running away? Do you have plans as to how you'd do that?"
"Not really, but I think about just jumping in the car and driving forever."
"That's normal for somebody struggling with post-partum. I mean, peri-natal mood disorder. I'm supposed to start referring to post-partum as that but you know what? It's post-partum depression. Why dress it up? Now, we need to get you to a better place. Post-partum is a natural thing and about 20% of women experience it after giving birth. Talk to me."

And we talked. Or rather, I talked.

She has recommended me getting on some meds but she counseled that it's not a magic pill so just toss that thought away. I'm to use the meds in conjunction with meeting with a therapist. Talk with somebody who specializes in depression, post-partum in particular. She then opened up about how she dealt with depression with infertility (hey, me too!) and then post-partum (hey, me too!) and how talking with a therapist helped her figure things out and gave her tools to work through things.

This was an hour-long appointment. Towards the end she said, "You know, you're very brave in asking for help and you deserve a pat on the back. We need to get you better and we're just going to surround you in a blanket of love." Of course, I tear up again... (Btw, why can't we just get that solemn, majestic look with one tear streaming down. You know, old Hollywood style? Instead, my nose gets red & puffy, as do my eyes and my nose decides to turn itself into a faucet because heaven forbid the eyes should have all the fun?)

For the first time, I actually see a slight glimmer of hope that I can be whole again. The sariqd that I know is there and waiting for me to extend a hand and pull her out? I'm scared but oh! I'm coming!

I made an appointment for tomorrow with my midwife team. That was really a scary phone call for me to make. After hanging up, tears started streaming down my face. In fact now they're still coming...

This is huge.

And I need to breathe.

But I wanted you to know that I'm taking the next step in combating this stupid depression.

Blessings are a big thing in my church. I am grateful for them. What I am even more grateful for is my husband being worthy to use the priesthood to administer a blessing. I had asked him awhile ago for one and life just got busy. My dear friend HRH was chatting with me online and asked if I had one yet. No... she promptly told me to get one at that moment and signed off. She's kind of bossy... and I love her for it. :)  My husband then had me say a prayer and then he proceeded to administer a blessing of comfort to me. In it, he stated that I would be able to find those that could help me with this depression. That I would be able to talk about it with them. And you know what? I started talking with people who I don't normally talk in-depth with. No, I didn't immediately plunge into the subject of depression. It just came naturally and I was able to realize that I am so not alone in struggling with depression. Wow. There are a lot of you out there! And while I am not happy that there are so many of us that struggle with it, I am eternally grateful for the experiences & insights that you have to share. My burdens don't seem quite as heavy. Just by somebody saying, "I'm here. I get it. It's hard. But brighter days WILL come. I know from experience." helps me tremendously.

Thank you.

I love you.

I am indebted to you.

And tomorrow, I am calling the doctor to see about getting some extra help so I can be whole again.

This is what I'm aiming for as I crawl, scramble, clutch my way out of this depression...

Dear sariqd:
I've lost you. I don't know if you've decided to take a hiatus or if you're just waiting quietly for me to re-discover how fabulous you are. I'd like to invite you back into my life as I'm told that you're good for me. I've been told that you're beautiful and very unique... With you back in my life to validate my feelings and understand my hurt, I'll be able to again know happiness and be able to lift myself up when I'm feeling down. To feel smart and resourceful would help me feel appreciated. I believe you would listen to me with undivided attention and recognize when I need to re-prioritize to ensure I don't run on fumes. Which is never a healthy thing.

You love my kids and realize that the time as children is limited and that kids must hold the highest of priority for each moment is precious. I believe that you never blame me for things that are not my responsibility or for misfortune that I have nothing to do with (from past or from present.) I know that at the end of the day, you respect and value me as a person. You have my back; you speak kindly about me never criticising and truly make me seem wanted. I know that I need to allow myself to be able to feel safe and protected while in your company.

Come back, sariqd. Without you, I would not be this incredible person who "gets" me; for whom I am proud to have in my life and cherish always. Lets reintroduce ourselves, to that magnificent person that I've met somewhere along the line named "me."

Truly,
Sara

Do you remember this post from earlier this year?
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It's happening again... but worse.
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To the point that I'm isolating myself from friends, family, church and even withdrawing into myself.
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I need help.
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But I'm scared to ask for it.
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I almost talked to my visiting teaching companion about if she ever had post-partum depression.
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But I felt stupid.
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She's 10 years younger than me.
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But she's actually pretty wise for her years.
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I tried to have a girls' night tonight.
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Just so I wouldn't completely withdraw from the world.
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See? Baby steps.
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But fate was against me.
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And I sit here.
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So very sad.
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Why won't I just call my midwife?
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As they expressed concern a couple of months ago that I might be suffering from PPD?
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Because I feel stupid.
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Like I should be stronger than this.
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That I should have some measure of control of my out-of-control feelings.
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I don't like to open up to people.
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The look of pity makes me feel like I'm just being silly and what I'm fretting about or just the feelings I'm experiencing just aren't worth anything.
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The look of pity is the equivelent of patting a young child on the head.
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I can't explain it.
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I want to feel like this again.
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Have that outlook.
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So very sad.

I'm crabby. I want to make some blankets for some babies that are due this fall and I've been browsing fabrics. I know I've griped about this before but $8.99 per yard is TOO MUCH!

GAR!

Why can't I just find cute & adorable fabrics for under... $4.00 a yard?

HMPH.

Anybody wanna do a fabric swap?

Yesterday, I was so blue that I told my husband I would be going out for a bit. Didn't know where exactly but then I decided to go for a walk. I went to Brackett's Landing that is right by the ferry here. Didn't find any seashells so I went to Marina beach which is on the otherside of the ferry terminal. I was the only one on the beach. I had my music playing on yet I could still hear the waves crashing. (No, I did not have any new-age stuff on.) I walked up and down that beach, pausing here and there to see if there was a shell that was whole. Sometimes pausing to just look out at the gray scenery. It started raining and did I have my umbrella? No. And I didn't mind it one bit. I loved getting drenched. Rain was dripping down my face, my hair was falling out of the ponytail, my coat while warm was getting a wee bit heavy from the rain. (Fleece really holds a lot of water!) Just being by myself at my most favorite beach did a lot to calm my frayed nerves, soothe my aching heart, and refresh my outlook on life. And I totally scored on seashells!

What do YOU do to reach that inner zen? Do you go for a drive in the car & blast your favorite music? Do you turn to writing? I'd like to know...

I'm really missing my Mom today. I was going through my old emails and found several exchanges between the two of us. She was always so perky in them... and I miss that. I also miss her telling me of the music she's been listening too... Did I ever tell you she had a thing for tenors?


If your Mom is still alive and still around, go tell her you love her.