La la la laaaahhhh!

Do you think makers of porn junk should be sued? Do you think it would be successful venture such as those suits against cigarette makers?

http://www.komonews.com/news/offbeat/-Should-pornographers-be-sued-for-damaging-society-marriages-216099541.html

"An Emotional Time" by Hothouse Flowers

It came in a dream you and I were there
You found me while I was frightened
You said change should not be difficult
You said change should lead us home
To an emotional time
Songs from the rain
Falling on our faces
And lifting the pain
To see us home

Is there a voice
To soothe the storm
I'm still learning
And you're still there

Forever beautiful

There to lead us home to an emotional time
Songs from the rain
Falling on our faces
And healing the pain
An emotional time
Songs from the rain
Calling on listeners to listen again
To see us home

An emotional time
Songs from the rain
Falling on our faces
And healing the pain

It's an emotional time
Songs from the rain
Calling on listeners
To listen again
To see us home


My brother...He will always be, "forever beautiful."

You know, when somebody is diagnosed with a terminal disease... not only do they have to go through a grieving process of their own, they then have to see it played out on each individual they face. Over and over. How wearying that must be. I wonder if they become numb to it? Or do they reconcile themselves so they're in a place of peace, coming to terms with things.

Hero and I have been asked by our new Bishop to speak in church this coming Sunday. Topics? Repentance through the Atonement and the Law of Chastity.

Anybody see the irony here for Hero & I?

~~~~~~

My beloved brother is in the hospital again. Major setbacks.

All night I kept having dreams with my daddy in them. I can't remember any of them but I awoke after each one. The general feeling, the general impression is that my daddy is anxiously waiting.

I don't want to analyze that because I'm not willing at this time to acknowledge... anything.

See. I'm living in denial for now.

Ugh.

My heart hurts.

~~~~~~

Hard to focus on writing my talk. I'm afraid that I will just blubber.

Sigh.

This blog is gloomy. I'm sorry.

Well... my husband lost his job yesterday.

We have 2 weeks left on our health insurance.

We can't file for unemployment or state benefits until 30 days are up.

While I'm a little freaked about everything, what really hurts is seeing my husband hurt.

He feels like a failure because he's unable to (in his mind) support his family.

He so isn't. But it's hard to make someone see that when they're in the midst of grief.

Father's Day is coming up and the kids and I are focusing on what makes him a 'hero' because that is what he is to our family.

I'll keep you posted as to how the day turns out. Hopefully it'll be a success. :)

LOVE sunny blue skies and having a pool in the backyard.
hate kids wanting to be in the pool at least 12 hours a day.
LOVE a/c.
hate that it's expensive to run.
LOVE my daughter practices piano every day on her own.
hate that if she's not willing to do her chores, she says she has to practice and then disappears and practices. I know I shouldn't knock it because at least she's practicing but still!
LOVE that my 3y Little Man tells me, "Yer pwetty Mom" at least 5 times a day.
hate that I don't see myself that way but who am I to verbally disagree?
LOVE that we can hear coyotes at night.
hate that they congregate outside of our fence in our backyard. At least we're all in bed at that point.
LOVE that our dog, George, likes to sit at my feet under the piano bench every time I play.
hate that it has to bark when it sees someone coming up to the front door. (My studio is in the front of the house.) The dog, a mixed yellow lab & beagle, has the baying beagle voice. LOUD.
LOVE that we have such a pretty dog who is protective.
hate that we're still having to work on not barking wildly at the front door when people come over. (Ooh, a repeat. Sorry.)
LOVE that Boo becomes Dr. Boo in helping her brothers and mom be comfortable when we're sick. She's so serious about this.
hate that sometimes she gets a little bossy. haha
LOVE that my husband was able to administer a blessing to me last night and was inspired to give me a certain pain-med that typically has no effect on me. Within 20 minutes, my fever broke and my body pain went away.
hate that I still have a dehydration headache but that'll go away.
LOVE pinterest.
hate pinterest. Really, do I need to expound? ;)

Now time for the latest blessings. Our new Bishop. He's an inspired man. Our Relief Society president. She's a serious give-it-her-all type woman. A friend who is in the midst of unemployment and moving, sending money for me and another mutual friend when she knew we were both in dire straits. The mutual friend who held a yard sale to raise funds to see her ailing mother out of state giving me money from sales of my baked goods that I donated to her yard sale although I never asked for it. My ward for rallying around this mutual friend to donate yard-sale items so she could raise funds for aforesaid trip. Neighbor who provided transport for me to get my sick child at a friend's house. Same neighbor who always happily takes my 3 kids when I need a break to get rest. My calling as a Primary teacher - I was able to "move up" with my class from last year and I just love them. The parents of my piano students who are actively engaged with their kids' practicing. Truly makes a difference. People around the world who prayed for my brother who was facing a life-threatening disease. That story will be shared another time because it truly is amazing. Friends who let everyone know that somebody they know needs prayers. It is always a blessing to be able to provide service that way. Friends who comment on my blog and yes, I know that sounds selfish. Do you have any idea though how much it means to read, "I hear you and I understand."? That is pretty much all we want, is to be heard.

Love you guys.

You know what hurts? Having to tell your daughter that due to finances, that you need to return her rental violin because it just isn't any wriggle room in the budget. That because more piano students dropped out, you wouldn't have been able to afford private lessons for her either.

Now I understand how my mom struggled. She became angry when she felt like a failure. Yelled a lot and then retreated to her room to read a book and eat secret chocolate. I'm sad now that I realize that that was how she dealt with it. I just thought she was a mean mom from time to time. I'm also sad to realize that I have similar tendencies. In yelling. Not okay.

It's always hard when the grown-up stuff intrudes on one's dreams as a child, you know? Money worries, stress, and etc. Not sure what I can do but I do know that I'm signing off and going to snuggle and play with my kids. Let my mind relax for now and maybe it'll come to me how to work it out to get her a violin and lessons.

Sigh.

A friend put herself in a time-out as there was chaos in the house. I happened to be doing the same thing but in my case, I wrote down a list of chores that I expected my kids to complete within the 15-minute time-frame I had given to calm myself down. Of course, I was on fb so that 15 minutes stretched into 30 but whatever.

The point of this post is not about moms (or dads!) putting themselves in a time-out. Nor about being creative in getting the kids to do their chores. (Mine wasn't creative. It was an act of desperation. If you saw me running and throwing down the sheet of paper and yelling at the kids, "15 minutes OR ELSE!!!" and running back to my bedroom and locking the door, you would see very clearly how crazy I was at the moment. That's fine. I'm okay with that.)

ANYWAY. Yikes! Like my rambling? Oops. There I go again! (Stupid oops song just popped in my head. C'mon, it did in your head too. Admit it.) OKAY - all of of this triggered a memory for me. One that totally exasperated me back in the day but now makes complete sense to me now. My mom, when she was at that breaking point would simply say, "I'm not your mom. I'm Aunt Jane. Go away." That was her way of saying, "Stop touching me. Stop asking me why. Stop tattling. Stop breathing on your brother/sister/cat/inanimate object. Stop screaming. Stop. Stop. STOP!" She would repeat herself if needed but we quickly learned that when mom was Aunt Jane - stay out of her way and just fend for ourselves.

I think I need to incorporate this Aunt Jane bit into my family. But, not Aunt Jane. I can't say it like my mom did. In a low, measured voice. No. I think I need to come up with a name that is... you know uh.... suits my other side. Hm. Aunt Penelope! Nah, I actually love that name. Aunt... well, what? Any suggestions?

I saw this on a friend's timeline on fb and it totally busted me up.

Brace yourself! (Whenever I think that phrase, I think it in a Irish accent. Weird.)

I've been up since 3am. Took some meds & an ice-pack for a migraine. Doesn't look like it's going to be alleviated anytime soon. Meh.

My tastebuds are going whacko lately. I drank some fruit-punch Kool-Aid and I almost spat it out because it tasted like cinnamon. I ate a bite of ice-cream and almost spat it out because I thought it tasted like spaghetti. Started to eat a bowl of cereal and it tasted like tacos. I don't get it. I suppose I should have just spat it out and been done with it already. The only thing that has tasted really good lately is whole wheat toast with raw honey. Yum.

I've been reading my great-great-grandparents' history. It's fascinating! So glad my Mom helped put it together with a few of her cousins. Makes me sad though reflecting on my own history though. In the sense that I don't know any of my cousins except for a few names. Also, it makes me sad that I don't know anything about my Mom's history either or my Dad's for that matter. I know of a few token stories but nothing in depth. I also really don't know my own personal history of when I was little. I would love to read my Mom's journal about what they had to go through when I was sick (meningitis & resulting hearing-loss.) I've been asking for just my personal history that she wrote down but... it's just not a priority to that person who has all the geneology-related stuff. Ah well. I'll keep hoping & praying to get it.

Within a week, I lost 6 piano students. Six out of nine. One family (of 2 students) had to drop out because of financial reasons. That always makes me sad when that happens. Especially in this case where the kids really had talent and were EXCITED to learn to play the piano. I would have loved to have been able to offer a scholarship! One family (of 2 students) dropped out because the mother took on a 2nd job and just didn't have time to bring them over. The husband got upset that she made that decision without him so he reinstated one of the kids and added himself to my roster of students. Awkward. The 3rd family (of 2 students) dropped out because she didn't want to keep fighting her kids to practice.

That situation really bugs me. The kids seem to rule the roost which dumbfounds me. I have a hard time understanding because in my family growing up, we just didn't have a choice. We were all expected to learn to play the piano. That's 11 kids, yo. While not all of us took lessons for years and years, at the very least - we all learned how to read music. Which made for awesome Christmas parties when we all sang and for road-trips where we would sing rounds. Anyway, I got frustrated when the mother kept self-defeating everything she said. She does that by saying, "I don't know." after everything! Not just after saying, "I try to get them to practice for the 10 minutes but I don't know. It's just so hard." Then in a situation where we are trying to figure out the best table-arrrangement for a ward party, "I would just line them up in this fashion but I don't know." It's this immediate retreat after an opinion is stated. Drives me batty!  She's a great lady but it makes me sad that she does that. It also makes me sad that she's not pushing the girls even just a little bit because they have talent in spades. AHHHH. Okay, enough about that.

My eye-sight is getting worse. I'm near-sighted and I wear contacts. Lately, I've noticed that I can't see anything up close. If I need to clip my toddler's nails, I have to take my contacts out to be able to see so I don't clip skin. So not cool. I really need to get my eyes checked but it's hard making appointments for anything as I'm house-bound with no car. That gets me so depressed that I just have to get off that subject. (Lately as in the past couple of years. I know - talk about procrastination!)

I have stopped nursing. (Don't judge.) I was putting my son down last night and he was just fighting it. I put him in bed and knelt down by him and he started crying. "Why are you crying?" " I want to nurse!" Which tore my heart. A couple of months ago, I asked him why he wanted to keep nursing and he looked up and said, "Because I love you." Ah! We were only nursing at night and I loved that time where it was just us. Rocking back and forth. He only nursed for maximum of 10 minutes but ohhh I am so glad I got all this time with him. I've always hated that I couldn't nurse my other two because of that bond that is created during that time. So. I'm having a lot of meloncholy moments in that he's my last. Every day he's getting older and more independent and while I'm excited to see him grow, I just get so sad that he's not a little baby anymore. One bright thing - I never have to change a diaper again. Well, I'll change diapers when I get grandchildren. I'm okay with that. ;)

I know, not much happy light-hearted stuff in here but I did warn you. You know, in an Irish accent.

Feeling frustrated? Or perhaps down? Go read my lovely friend Kate's blog. It's beautifully written and was so aptly written for me. Okay, she didn't write it for me. But I needed that perspective that she outlined.

Go. And read.

Kate's Busy Life

Don't you think we need more ballpits in life? Just to sit, play and focus on each other and what makes each of us beautiful?

I want to get a tattoo. 
I want to put in a off-beat color into my hair. Blue.
I want to get an industrial bar piercing in my ear.

I don't really want to take the time to "dig deep" as to why I want to do these things. Hm. I want to be... crazy. Or do these things to show that I'm really a quirky girl that I think I am. Like a badge saying "HEY - LOOK AT ME!"

Okay.

Perhaps it's a rebellious streak popping up.

Or a mid-life-crisis thing.

I don't know.

Maybe all it is is that I'm in a rut and I'm trying to get out of it... apparently as dramatically as possible.

I had a friend come over last week with her kids just to hang out. It was a pretty low-key and we didn't really talk much about anything in particular except as she was telling me about her parents, she said something that has just stuck in my brain. She was explaining how her family were wealthy and in fact, when she turned 18, they bought her a brand-new car. But then, they like so many other families lately, had felt impressed to move to a different area (state) and then were just faced with such financial difficulties. (Her dad's company closed the area he was working in and offered to relocate them or have early retirement. He took early retirement.) The same thing happened to her. The same thing is happening to us. I wondered outloud to her that perhaps we are being prompted to move away because we weren't be tested enough. That perhaps we needed different challenges that we would not have experienced back in our old home. She nodded and then we got distracted with the gazillion kids running around. Okay, not a gazillion but 8 kids and really? More than 3 is truly a gazillion.

Now, to back-up to our experiences the week before Christmas. We had a little money that we were going to use for the kids' Christmas presents. It was going to be a very meager Christmas but hopefully with getting the dog, the older kids wouldn't see it as meager. Then guess what? Yep. Our only working vehicle, my van, decided to have brakes go out. Our Christmas funds went into fixing the brakes. Our home-teacher helped my husband re-do the brakes but then there was no brake-pressure! I still shudder to think how the heck Hero managed to get the car back home. Anyway. Hero called a brake shop and they said it would be around $250+ for the thingamajiggy to be replaced. At that point, I just lost it. We had not bought ANYTHING for the kids and were counting on the little we had leftover from his paycheck to get a few things. But how do we get around without a vehicle? Remember, Hero's car - the transmission went out. So he's been using my van to get to & from work. And because of his sucky schedule at the time, I had to do a lot of coordinating & begging to get rides to activities, church, etc. PAHHHH!!!! He then called our mechanic (a former Bishop) and left a message to see what his fees would be to get the thing replaced. And then? We waited. And fretted. My anxiety which was already going over the top just me get frantic and saying, "He's always slow to get back on messages. We should just go with the brake-shop and just get it done." Hero just held me and we both just started sobbing. He offered such a beautiful, heart-felt prayer that things would work out. For a confirmation that we were doing the right thing. Then his phone buzzed. It was the mechanic. Hero explained the situation of the van and the mechanic dropped everything on his plate and waited for Hero to bring the van right then. He had Hero assist him in taking the car apart and replacing the thingy. Total cost? Of the brakes + thingy + labor? Just under $300. Ugh. But YAY - a lot cheaper than what we had anticipated. He left for work and a little later, there was a knock at the door. A man said, "Sara?" and handed me an envelope. I was so dejected at that moment... thinking it was some kind of notice, eviction, SOMETHING that we had to pay right now. It was an envelope with a sweet note and $240 in it. I know - I bawled. Then later that evening, another knock at the door. A bag was left on the doorstep with candy & a card. With another $50. Brant & I were so wound up from the stress and then all this? The money we spent on the car was returned to us through the generosity of others dollar for dollar.

President Uchtdorf's talk from the Christmas Devotional 2012 - talked about how we should accept gifts with grace. It struck me at that time that instead of fretting about what I can do to repay or reciprocate, to just accept with grace.

It was a beautiful Christmas. Not just for being able to provide presents for our kids. But for being given gifts that were from the heart. From hearts that were tuned into the Spirit. How sad it is that it is so easy to forget that Heavenly Father is not just aware of us, but wants us to be happy.

Sick to my stomach.