sa tabi ng dagat: febrero 2006

martes, febrero 28, 2006

yesterday was absolutely wonderful

i won't bother with going into details. there is a danger, i think, of trying to concretize memory. it seems that, more often than not, the essential emotions are lost.

diane ackerman says that perfume is liquid memory. yesterday would smell of almond oil with hints of lavender.

thank you to the (ever-extending) bayaw collective: em, margie, naya, marie, gabby, sigh, joel, mikael, wappy, arkaye, javi. allow me to say this: i was just tipsy. really.

and always, to coach: we may seem selfish but it doesn't bother me at all. after everything, we deserve more than our share of happiness. i love you, babe.

* * *
coach and firefly conversations

c: i love you.
f: really?
c: really!
f: why?
c: because you're good to me.
f: what if i'm no longer good to you?
c: i'd still love you.
f: why naman?
C: because... you're bad to me.

(last week at persiana)
f: i like this curry.
c: oh? yay! i'm happy!
f: hmm? why?
c: i love you, firefly! *huggies and kissies*
f: i love you, too. why are you happy?
c: because we finally found something you like.
f: sobra na ba akong pihikan sa pagkain?
c: oo kaya. eat some more, babe.
f: but i'm on a diet, remember?
c: *perplexed look*

* * *
Aquarius & Leo (from some online zodiac match thing)

When Leo and Aquarius join together in a love match, the merging of Aquarian foresight and Leo creativity causes people to take notice. This partnership is energetic and unstoppable, and although occasional competitions may occur, there is never a dull moment for these two. Their Signs are congenial and have a good relationship. Both tend to be idealistic and highly motivated. Both are attracted to all things novel, and are thrill-seekers; they may even occasionally turn life into a giant game of Truth or Dare.

Many Leo-Aquarius relationships thrive on unending mutual admiration. Leo admires the individualism, vision and creative characteristics of Aquarius. In turn, Aquarius admires the Lion's zeal, charm and dignity -- Aquarians always have new ideas, but they don't always have the drive to make those ideas real as Leo does. Both Signs pride themselves on their independence, but conflicts can arise if Leo seems too demanding or Aquarius seems too aloof. Both partners should respect differences of perspective in the other. Leo can be too dramatic for Aquarius' taste, but Aquarius in turn could be too unsteady for their Leo counterpart. If they communicate to one another the value of the relationship, everything will be okay.

Leo is ruled by The Sun and Aquarius is ruled by the Planets Saturn and Uranus. These three Planets form a sort of cycle indicative of the Leo-Aquarius relationship and their ability to come together to create new institutions. Uranus is the Planet of new ideas and creativity; it's from this Planet that Aquarius gets its great vision. Then The Sun gives life and an identity to their collective ideas. Finally Saturn keeps the process going to completion, following up after Uranus's inspiration has been exhausted and The Sun's energy moves on to new things.

Leo is a Fire Sign and Aquarius is an Air Sign. Air fuels Fire and keeps it going; Aquarius can not only keep pace with the motion and fireball of energy that is Leo, but can add special effects. They can soar to astounding heights together. Aquarius is able to use intellect to inspire Leo's ambition and feed them new ideas to put into practice -- they are very stimulating to Leo. Together the two feed a process of mutual personal growth and development. Both Signs have a multitude of interests, and Leo's desire to be original leaves them more than happy to carry out the ideas of the more withdrawn Aquarius.

Leo and Aquarius are both Fixed Signs. Leo gives Aquarius the courage to charge ahead and take action, rather than just sitting in the lab formulating ideas. Aquarius's originality can impress Leo, as can their unique vision. They are both loyal and extremely devoted to one another, and when they understand that they don't necessarily need to be in charge all the time, they can succeed side by side.

What's the best aspect of the Leo-Aquarius relationship? It's their ability to create magic when they're together. Fixed Fire and Fixed Air cover all the bases -- these partners get an idea, plan how to put it into action, get the ball rolling and see it through to completion. This cycle makes theirs a love match of vision as well as practice.

* * *
To Be Loved
Curtis Stigers

Watch your manners
Watch your weight
Be a good boy
Just behave
What's wrong with you?

Settle down
Keeping two feet on the ground
Sit up straight
Stand up tall
Never falter
Never fall
Stay in school
Make the grade
Never fail
And never fade

Be a hero
Be a star
Anything but what you are
Find a girl to possess
Always pay, pursue, protect
Be a master
Be a slave
Work your ass into an early grave

But you deserve to be loved
You deserve something real
Time to heal
Time to feel

Daddy's favorite little girl
Dress up in your momma's pearls
Serve us breakfast, stay`in bed
Earn a little kiss on the forehead
You are sugar
You are spice
You are growing up so nice
Paint your nails
Paint your face
Paint around the empty space

Find a man that can provide
Try and fill the hole inside
With a family and a home
Tell yourself you're not alone
Keep your memories of yourself
In a shoebox on a closet shelf

But you deserve to be loved
You deserve something real
Time to heal
Time to feel

But you deserve to be loved
You deserve something real
Time to heal
Time to feel

You deserve to be loved
You deserve to be loved
You deserve to be loved

* * *
yay! <3

viernes, febrero 17, 2006

head cold

i finally received word from the travel-writing post i applied for.

"We have shortlisted only 4 candidates and unfortunately you are the 5th."

*weeps*

this whole unemployment thing is really bugging me. job-hunting after grad, it was difficult enough to determine what sort of work i could get with my background in social science. it was a constant question even when i was still studying but i stuck with it because i enjoyed most of what i was doing (what other course requires you to have fine dinners, sniff cigars and sample wine?). but as i grow more anxious to get my butt out in the real world (i.e., work), i feel more and more lost.

that and the FSO test results are still not out.

what is one to do when one loves: art (visual, literary, culinary), travel, culture (anthropologically speaking), research and study (in a knowledge-hungry sort of way), and relating to people (diplomacy, service, etc.)?

during my senior year in high school, i went to a career exploration trip of sorts to PGH. i had been somewhat torn between law and medicine (doing both would take too long) but being an x-files fanatic pretty much tipped the scales. while we were at the emergency room, a little boy died even as the attending doctor tried to save him. his mother began to wail and the doctor proceeded to move on to the next patient.

i tried to forget about the dream of becoming a doctor. i felt that i could not handle the emotional stress, inevitable as it is in such a practice. as much as i wanted to help people in what for me was the most tangible expression, it was something i was and still am not sure i have the strength for.

i still feel that call. but i don't know what road to take to go to where i want to be.

miércoles, febrero 15, 2006

what do you think of me?

i should like to know: http://kevan.org/johari?name=isea

this is what other people have to say: http://kevan.org/johari?view=isea

lunes, febrero 06, 2006

i have a silly grin

i was buying medicine at mercury drugstore earlier and the old dude next to me was asking the pharmacist for a special kind of herbal tea. i took one look and almost burst out laughing.

it was the special kind of tea for sexual dysfunctions.

here's an explanation: "Ancient herbal lore often serves as a starting point for modern drug research. This rich heritage includes potions used for millennia to cure or relieve symptoms of sexual dysfunction. Many traditional nostrums rely on purely magical (placebo) effects, such as the phallic-influenced belief in the effect of Rhinoceros horn--which offers no benefit to humans and is often fatal for the rhino."

poor rhino.

and in the process of researching, i found another interesting tidbit: "Corynanthe yohimbe is the botanical name for a tree that grows in West Africa. For millennia, a tea distilled from the inner bark of this tree has been used to amplify male virility and sexual prowess. It is the traditional fuel for intense tribal sex ceremonies reported to last as long as half a month--rituals that might never have been possible but for the power of this concoction."

*shiver*

if that bothered you, well, you didn't have to read that in the first place. yuck. people who wander into my blog must think i'm a sex freak. excuse me, i beg to differ. kebs.

. . .

in my last post, i was asking about the two girls making out thing. well, i took it a step further and asked a few guy friends over YM. let's see: of the 5 people i 'interviewed', 100% responded in the affirmative. one drooled. hehe.

i promised not to name names so i'm posting their answers anonymously. when jilly and i have time (and are sufficiently geeky enough), we shall conduct a formal study and be among the few to contribute literature on this subject. yes, we are nerdoks.

the answers have been (slightly) edited from the original conversation format

respondent A:*insert drooling smiley* well, for guys, we find it arousing because... err, for one, two female bodies in the heat of passion is much better than one. and when they're in the heat of passion with each other, it just gets better. girls just know how to fondle and pleasure each other better. it's just hot that way. well, there's no finesse with male masturbation really. it's just mindless groping. but girls make an artform out of it.

respondent B: well, depends eh. kung butch yung isa, as in april boy regino-type butch, turn-off. i don't understand, actually but i guess it's carnal instinct? some sort of pananabik, hoping you'd be involved in one point of the affair, a menage-a-trois? it's a porn flick scenario, actually. but i don't condemn people who like it that way. it's impossible for three persons to have an intimate relationship. lust lang yon, tingin ko.

respondent C: yes, it does. di ko alam. basta yun. ikaw ba, kapag natu-turn-on ka, ini-intellectualize mo pa? (den: minsan, hehe!) putsa. ewan ko lang ha. ika nga ni tomas aquinas, the male member seems to have a mind of its own. kapag g2g kasi, they do things to each other na hindi nila magawang gawin sa amin. kaya yun. do you know what gertrude stein says about what girls do to each other? it's clean and sweet and all that. unlike b2b. sheht, parang episode ng beavis and butthead.

respondent D: i dunno. i'm thinking of the "sexual" roles stereotype. di ba sabi nila girls daw are receivers? parang iba yung roles pag 2 girls... something like that. kinky din eh, haha! girls know what turns them on so they could do it to others.

respondent E: as for lesbian action, it doesn't turn me on per se. it fascinates. (it really does!) but it doesn't get a rise outta me. now if they were naked, maybe. *laughs* i think that all homosexual relations make all heterosexuals very... curious... of their own orientation. now, people are repulsed when it's their own sex "in action" (for lack of a better term). because it's a scary thought to entertain their own possible sexuality towards the same sex but when it's the opposite, it's the reverse. it's like "hey! pwede pala" and it doesn't hurt that it's like you're being vouyeur on twice as much sexual action. well, when you watch porn, you see people having sex, right? now, you can only get turned on by one half of the participants, kasi straight ka. pero pag dalawa yung girls, well... and it's because for guys, it takes very little to get that kind of response from them.

hmm, i'm not sure i got anywhere with my inquiry but it's fun picking on these fellas' brains. game! ano next topic natin?

. . .

still on the topic of homosexuality, i watched brokeback mountain with my tita yesterday. hindi naman masagwa yung gay scenes ah. i think guys will be able to stomach it naman. it's such a sad story. i'm not gay (di talaga uubra eh) but i know how it feels to be separated from the person i love best. but i don't want this to be a sad entry so i shall turn the sap faucet off.

. . .

i finally bought the narcissus scent i've been lusting after from beauty bar. the branch in rockwell now has a line of pomegranate scent spa products. it smells of woman and of ripening. i don't know how else to describe it. the inhalation beads are in a deliciously red color, too. amazing.

i also got a hardbound copy of gabriel garcia marquez's memories of my melancholy whores. i haven't started it yet because i got caught up with the gay movie. my mom saw my lovely book and freaked out: ano ba naman yan? porn?!

gawd, do i look the type? i've never even seen porn except for this one time we were checking out videos saved on the heights computer and we came upon an unexpected and absolutely shocking close-up of...

basta, kami-kami na lang ang nakakaalam dun. it was actually quite fascinating, on a purely intellectual level.

yes, i'm guilty of intellectualizing. so eat that.

my tita gave me a new sound system for my room because the old one threatens to eat my cd's. yay! i can now wake up to good-morning music. i tried the pussycat dolls' sway this morning but it was too early for too much energy. hindi tuloy masarap ang gising ko. but, yay! pa rin for music:

If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.
That strain again! it had a dying fall:
O! it came o’er my ear like the sweet sound
That breathes upon a bank of violets,
Stealing and giving odour.
- William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night (1.1.1-7)

haha! coach still keeps that in his wallet. it's been, what? three years. <3

miércoles, febrero 01, 2006

avi-ness <3

love, sex, poetry. twinkle and i had dinner at eastwood last night. afterwards, as is our habit, we went to CBTL for coffee, cigarettes (just for her, because she won't let me) and a chatting marathon. and true to our poetic selves, lagi kaming nauuwi sa pag-ibig. eavesdroppers must have cringed, fascinated, as we went from erotic poetry to porn to threesomes to barthes to boxers versus briefs. we giggled like naive schoolgirls and laughed like new sophisticates. it was so much fun.

as for the idea of a "workable" threesome, i found this on paolo manalo's LJ . wink, ganun pala yun. hahaha!

our "intellectualized" erotic discussion was actually quite fruitful, mind you. we both came up with new poem ideas and my list of questions-to-ask-out-of-the-blue grew another few inches longer. for example, does the sight of two girls kissing really turn guys on? please feel free to answer/comment on that. and something i thought to ask naya once: what do poppies smell like?

i'm excited about writing again. but first, i must ask someone about lesbian sex.

. . .

from a link in emily's blog:

On Grigory Rasputin
Actually, he wasn't a warlock, he was a Khlist. Khlists believe that you can get absolution from sin by sinning. It was one of the popular folk beliefs in the villages…kinda a mix of paganism and Russian Orthodoxy. They would go into someone's basement and have a revival meeting. There would be much singing and praying and when the "Holy Ghost" fell upon them they would strip down and have an orgy. Then they would all go home happy and free of sin.

eek. scary. 0_o

religion is really so problematic.

. . .

today's good morning poem from mahal, worded a little differently.

True Love
Wislawa Szymborska

True love. Is it normal,
is it serious, is it practical?
What does the world get from two people
who exist in a world of their own?

Placed on the same pedestal for no good reason,
drawn randomly from millions but convinced
it had to happen this way - in reward for what?
For nothing.
The light descends from nowhere.
Why on these two and not on others?
Doesn't this outrage justice? Yes it does.
Doesn't it disrupt our painstakingly erected principles,
and cast the moral from the peak? Yes on both accounts.

Look at the happy couple.
Couldn't they at least try to hide it,
fake a little depression for their friends' sake?
Listen to them laughing - its an insult.
The language they use - deceptively clear.
And their little celebrations, rituals,
the elaborate mutual routines -
it's obviously a plot behind the human race's back!

It's hard even to guess how far things might go
if people start to follow their example.
What could religion and poetry count on?
What would be remembered? What renounced?
Who'd want to stay within bounds?

True love. Is it really necessary?
Tact and common sense tell us to pass over it in silence,
like a scandal in Life's highest circles.
Perfectly good children are born without its help.
It couldn't populate the planet in a million years,
it comes along so rarely.

Let the people who never find true love
keep saying that there's no such thing.

Their faith will make it easier for them to live and die.

. . .

i'm a happy girl.

sa tabi ng dagat