PART 1: A Time to Get Healthy
On December 29, 2019 Marty and I decided to embark on a new health journey and take a big leap of faith. Machelle, my oldest sister, had approached us about starting a health plan that had since blessed her life, helping her release 90 lbs. The timing was good. We had just settled into our new home and were really starting to heal and thrive as a family after adopting our Holly and Jayden.
I was at my heaviest weight. Heaviest ever! I was struggling with some occasional depression and anxiety and struggled most days to find motivation and joy in my home life, relationships, and my purpose as a wife and mother. My mind wanted to do and be so much more but I felt paralyzed and confined to my emotional state and wretched body which was pretty sick and broken.
Marty had been working on losing weight for months with very little success. He had been running marathons and building strength but then suffered knee injuries that put him out of commission and into a hard place emotionally and physically. He started to pack on weight pretty quickly and was struggling with energy, poor sleep and horrible effects from Type-2 Diabetes.
Fast forward eight months and our life was drastically different. Our Habits of Health program changed everything. I lost 122 lbs. and Marty was down 85 lbs. We were working on our health but also our mental and emotional well being. For the first time in a long time, we were thriving not just surviving! We began to experience health and optimal living to a degree we had never had before. Our marriage became stronger. Our family became more unified. We were healing in every way possible.
In mid August....I had been experiencing a few consecutive days of feeling fatigue and nausea. It was the very opposite of how I had been feeling since being on my health plan. I usually had great amounts of energy and felt so amazing. I had begun food prepping some roasted chicken for our dinner that night and felt very ill when I smelled the aroma of the chicken baking in the oven. It was then that I had the distinct thought that I was suffering from classical pregnancy symptoms. Fatigue. Nausea. Aversions to certain smells.
I half-heartedly decided I should probably take a pregnancy test to rule out that possibility and try to better figure out what was wrong with me. We were in the mix of the Covid-19 pandemic and I wasn't sure if maybe I was suffering from symptoms of the virus. So I headed to the store to pick up a test.
I ventured to the dollar store to pick up the cheapest test possible. (I was 100% sure that I was NOT pregnant and didn't want to spend any more than I needed to on a test.) Medically speaking, there was no possible way that I was pregnant. twenty years of marriage and seven years of extensive infertility treatments, surgery, and procedures had all but proven that. Our family was built through the power and blessing of adoption and we felt immensely blessed by the Lord's goodness to have Nyah, Ethan, Holly and Jayden! My diagnosis of PCOS and contributing factors that Marty had, had caused the perfect storm for infertility. We just had always thought that adoption would be our path and we had grown to love that!
When I arrived back home, I immediately took the test. As directed...I was supposed to look for TWO lines that would appear in a small round window. If I saw TWO lines...I was pregnant. According to the directions, the test should take 3 minutes to show results. Within 30 seconds....I could see clearly and without question....TWO DARK lines. I was in shock and stood there staring at the test for several minutes not believing what I was seeing. I was forty-two years old. This was not on my radar! I was having to reconcile feelings of shock, disbelief, and amazement all at once. Then settled in the most amazing feeling of excitement! And then FEAR. Is this real? Could my body actually carry a baby with all of my health complications? Surely,...this was going to be like every other disappointment in our infertility history.
At this point, I started to doubt heavily and was certain that the "dollar store" test was faulty. So, I drove myself to a different store and purchased a more expensive pregnancy test. I was convinced it wouldn't show a positive result. I immediately brought it home.....took the test and again TWO DARK LINES appeared. It was plain as day. The test said I was pregnant!
I had to know for sure if I was pregnant, so I called a new friend in my new neighborhood and asked her for a reference to a trusted doctor in our area. Since we had moved, I didn't know one doctor from another approved by our insurance. So when she referred me to a great doctor whom my insurance carried...I was super grateful. On top of that, I spent a few moments doing a little research on him and felt a great sense of calm when I read more about him, his practice, and his colleagues. I immediately called his receptionist. Not sure what they would have me do, I was relieved to find out that the doctor wanted to get me in for an ultrasound asap to verify the pregnancy and then wanted to see me right away given my history. The earliest ultrasound was four days later. Now it was time to wait. In the meantime I researched every possible reason why a pregnancy test could show a false positive. What did I find? Certain cancers, complications from PCOS, or other health related concerns could cause a pregnancy's test to show positive results even if you are not pregnant. In my mind....It was just as likely that I had cancer or complications from PCOS as it was likely that I was experiencing a viable pregnancy. I kept thinking that the Lord was so good! If I had cancer,....or something else, the Lord had provided a way for me to be aware of it early and I could get help sooner during a critical window of time.
Four days of waiting to find out. Now....I needed to figure out how to tell Marty!
Part 2: Time to Tell Marty
I had to make a decision on how I was going to tell Marty. My logical self was telling me that I should just share what had happened, still feeling that we needed to get an ultrasound done before we got too excited. But my heart wanted to give Marty an experience that he wouldn't forget and one that felt more like something I would create! Marty and I have always put a lot of thought into anniversaries and birthdays to make them special. Most of the time,...we kept things a surprise and go out of our way to make those days feel extra special and different from the rest. So I tapped into my creativity and set up a fun reveal for him.
I was dying to tell Marty! He was at work and I phoned him during a break and asked him if he could come home immediately after his work day ended. I even mentioned maybe not stopping anywhere or getting tied up too long in his office prepping for his next day. I was pretty casual in my request because I didn't want to ruin the surprise or worry him. I just wanted to share the news with Marty as soon as possible! Side-note: it is not unlike Marty to run errands, make a few stops, or stay a little later at work because he is so dedicated to making the best lessons for his students. Funny thing...he ended up taking a bit longer than usual getting home that day. I have to laugh because it was all I could do to make it through that day being the only one who knew what I knew. I felt like the news literally wanted to burst out of me...but I had to exert all my patience and contain all my worries and excitement for those extra hours. Maybe I should call my sisters or my Dad! No..... this was something I could only share with my Marty! This was a sacred experience only he and I could really have together. I still couldn't believe what I was about to tell him.
I decided to write Marty a love note in pieces that he would have to assemble in order to read it. Our anniversary was in a few days from that time so I told him that it was an early anniversary gift. Inside the letter I gave references to miracles, future blessings, and "expecting" amazing things ahead. He didn't pick up on any of those hints until he opened the accompanying gift. Once he read the letter....he was directed to open the small package. Inside the box was shredded gift wrap that hid the two positive pregnancy tests underneath. Marty opened the box and it took him a little bit of time to register what he was looking at! He questioned whether or not he understood what the test showed and got excited really fast! It was a moment I will never forget. Everything from that moment changed for us. This was something we always wanted and prayed for and here it was and we were blessed to experience it together. I feel like our marriage changed that day. I can't really explain it except to say that there was something very special that took place in that moment. A bond and connection was created even beyond the strength that already existed in our marriage. Setting fears aside,...it felt as close to heaven as I could imagine. Now we would wait for the ultrasound!
Part 3: Time for the Ultrasound
Waiting for that next Tuesday seemed like forever! In the meantime, I was tracking pregnancy symptoms using an APP on my phone and each symptom seemed to confirm that I was indeed pregnant,...but I was anxious to get the ultrasound.
Marty took off work that morning and we headed into the Dr.s Office where we were scheduled to get an exploratory ultrasound. Basically,...to confirm a pregnancy or diagnose a potential problem. We were anxious but excited and kept saying how crazy it was to be there...... getting ready to potentially see our baby. We were 42 years old! We had adopted our first four children! We had gone through infertility treatments, surgeries, medications, vitamins..you name it! How on earth were WE getting an ultrasound?
When we went into the room, we shared with the Sonographer our history and our quick story. She was excited to find out with us. Within seconds of beginning the ultrasound, she was able to find the baby! And within that first minute,...a HEARTBEAT! Marty and I looked at each other in pure shock and amazement! She went on to measure Hope and verified that I was nearly 8 weeks along. Miracle. We had the most wonderful conversation with her about how she had a surprise baby at age 39 after being done having children for awhile. She shared how special it was for her older children, to have a baby to adore and cherish. She said that it kept her young and while she didn't plan on him....she absolutely loved having her surprise baby. It was such a neat experience talking with her. I then expressed my worry of my PCOS wondering if it would complicate the pregnancy. She shared that being pregnant nearly puts PCOS in dormancy and that my body would know what to do. What a blessing her words and story was for us that day.
We left the appointment after scheduling the followup with our new doctor about month later. We would soon learn how wonderful he was/is. We would soon learn how important his role would be in getting Hope here safely!
Part 4: Time to Meet Dr. Fowers & Enjoy Pregnancy
We had our first visit with Dr. Fowers soon after our ultrasound. He had a warm demeanor and answered all of questions. What I loved most about him was that he was just so excited that we were experiencing this surprise pregnancy. There was an exciting buzz in the air with his entire staff. The gal that took my blood-loved our story. The sweet ladies at the front desk---loved our story. Dr. Fower's lead nurse, Esther--loved our story. Another one of his nurses (I think named Claire- owns horses in Tremonton)---loved our story. It was just a really fun time having our visits with Dr. Fowers and his staff. They were kind, thorough, gentle, and very sweet with us as we navigated this new adventure. Dr. Fowers gave us some instructions. He wanted me to continue to eat healthy and essentially maintain my own personal weight. He advised me to gain only 11-20 lbs in pregnancy. So basically--all baby. I was so pleased to have only gained 13 lbs before Hope was born. I was very careful to eat healthy options that were macro balanced. I only remember having a few bites of something sweet when I was craving something in a crazy way. Things I craved in pregnancy was chips n' salsa, tuna/mayo and chocolate cake donuts or wedding cake. Funny! My morning sickness (only nausea when I hadn't eaten) only lasted until 13 weeks. After that, I felt incredible. I had a lot of energy, I slept pretty well with my pregnancy pillow, and I loved feeling Hope kick and grow. It was the most incredible feeling. I was encouraged to count how many kicks I would feel in a 30 minute time span when laying down at night and it was the best feeling to know that Hope was thriving and I could feel her. Marty loved feeling her kick and was sweet to talk and sing to her often. Pregnancy was one of the most sacred things I have ever experienced. I loved every minute of it. I never thought I would have that privilege so it meant the world to me that I did. We did a genetic test through Nicole's company and were able to find out Hope's gender around 14 weeks. We held an outdoor reveal party in October with beautiful blush and navy balloons and decor. Machelle brought yummy cupcakes and popcorn for all of our guest. Because COVID was still in full force, most of our family kept good distance and while we shared some hugs, many of us were masked. Nicole was the only one that knew the gender and purchased some fun confetti canons for us to set off as a little family. It's funny---I think most of us wanted it to be a girl. Marty was pretty tender about it and I remember Holly especially wanting a little sister. It was pure joy when we pulled the barrel and pink confetti flew into the air. We would have a baby girl and she was coming into a family who loved her very much! Around 22 weeks, we had a maternal fetal ultrasound with a specialist to make sure all was well with Hope as I was considered high risk and a geriatric expectant mother. They confirmed she was a girl and ruled out any physical or developmental concerns. It went perfect! Hope was perfect.
Part 5: Time to exercise Precaution...
AT 29 weeks...My blood pressure started to rise (more specifically and only at the doctors office-- classic white coat anxiety maybe?) and the doctor requested that I take readings at home three times a day. I purchased a BP monitor and brought it home and started to take my BP three times a day. I was recording the near-normal readings each time and would show Dr. Fowers each week at my appointment. He was always very pleased that my BP was showing normal at home, in my normal environment. Aside from Glucose tests that I was passing with flying colors,...he also wanted to test my urine and blood every 4 weeks from that point on. We were looking for elevated proteins and looking specifically at my liver and kidneys. Each test came back normal in the beginning. Each week that passed,...Dr. Fowers was pleased and always remarked that if we could get to 37 weeks, he would induce me. He was always very mindful of the potential of pre-eclampsia as I was 42 and still hadn't hit my goal weight before getting pregnant. He also administered a steroid shot during two separate visits to help develop Hope's lungs a little faster just in case she decided to come too soon. This was inspired,...as we would soon find out.
Part 6: Time for Worry and Excitement....
My pregnancy had been going nearly perfect minus some morning sickness in the beginning, occasional sleepless nights having to go potty a ton and having crazy dreams, as well as the typical aches and pains one might have. I remember feeling deeply grateful for how good I felt and just tried to enjoy every moment of it!
It wasn't until I hit 34 weeks that I started to feel things shift. I developed a horrible case of heart burn. I had to sleep upright for a few days and eat the smallest portions. It was miserable. Although I wasn't due to see the doctor until that next Tuesday... I decided to make an appointment to check to make sure all was well. I just didn't feel good and all the sudden my BP readings were elevated at home.
When we went into the doctor, my BP had elevated even more. We decided to get blood work done.. to rule out pre-eclampsia, something we had been monitoring my entire pregnancy. While the lab work was getting checked, I had a non-stress test done as a precaution. The ultrasound showed a happy and healthy baby with no complications. I was prepared to walk out with some heartburn medicine thinking the bloodwork would be normal. Aside from heartburn.. (which had since subsided with medicine the doctor gave me in-house)... I felt great! Marty even went down to the car to get his charger as we were feeling pretty calm and confident all would be well.
While Marty was gone, the doctor walked in and said that we were going to have a baby that day. He was calm and relieved that we caught the sudden elevations in my blood work early that verified early onset pre-eclampsia. Because of my heartburn, and coming in earlier than my original appointment, we caught it in time and I was given the option of delivering Hope as long as she and I remained stable. No need for an emergency c-section. He asked me what my thoughts were. I pondered for a brief moment and told him that while I had hoped to get farther along in the pregnancy ( I was 34 weeks and 5 days) I would only feel excitement and joy because I was about to meet my sweet little girl. Our baby was coming and I chose to be positive and excited. When Marty returned, I told him about the conversation I had with the doctor and while he was surprised and a bit nervous about how fast everything was now happening---he was calm and happy too.
Part 7: Time to Induce Labor & The Angels that Attended
The next several hours became moments I will cherish and never forget. Every interaction with the good nurses and our doctor was heaven sent. I remember bonding with our nurse, Stacie immediately. I could tell that she was so competent and really cared about doing a good job! She was cautious when she needed to be, was fun to talk to, and was there to help us every step of the way. Through out my time with her I probably thanked her a thousand times. I was officially admitted into the Labor/Delivery about 2:30 pm. She brought in a nurse to get an IV started on my right arm. I took her several attempts to find a vein and I remember just thanking her and easing her mind when she worried about having to poke me again. She was far more worried than I was hurting and it was no big deal for me. I know some people get really bothered by misses and repeat pokes, but I just felt immense gratitude for the care that I was getting. Eventually they had another veteran nurse come in to set the line and it worked great. Dr. Fowers checked me and I was not dilated or really effaced at all. At that point I was given a cervical medicine that would gently start labor and get things moving along. Around 5 pm--I was given pitocin to help increase contractions and labor. Stacie was set to leave at 6 at the end of her shift. She promised that if i was still in labor come monring- she would request to be re-assigned to me. Another sweet nurse attended me through the night. I don't recall her name but she was kind, gentle and had a student nurse shadowing her. She made sure I was comfortable through the night. I didn't sleep but lied down on my left side most of the night. When Marty was close-- I would counter push into his hand with mine to minimize the pain. I didn't want back rubs or really any touch but instead wanted to push against Marty in full arm strength and that seemed to help the most. I would breath deeply and we'd watch the contractions resolve on the monitor. I would rest a little in between but they came every 2-3 minutes for a long time. The contractions started to get more intense as the night went on and I hadn't requested an epidural yet so our nurse gave me a light pain medicine to take the edge off. After laboring 9 hours without the epidural, she checked me and I was only at 2 cm. With the labor pains I had been experiencing--I thought I would be much farther. At that point I made a request for the epidural. Aside from pain relief, I could benefit from the epidural because it would help keep my pre-eclampsia blood pressure down and it would relax me so my contractions could progress my labor easier.
My epidural was administered at about 3 am. I remember the anesthesiologist was kind and very competent. He set my mind at ease right away. I was able to get the epidural without any complication and was essentially pain free minus some minor contractions felt on my left side. I was able to rest in a dim-lit room for the next couple of hours. Marty even took a little snooze on a bed next to the big window. At about 5 am, my nurse came in and check me. I had made it 3 cm by this point and my water had broken during the exam. This was a great sign of progress. I laid back down and I could tell the contractions were getting closer and harder by watching the monitor and feeling a little more on my left side. At 6 am, Stacie returned and we were so happy to have her back with us. For sure, she was going to be there for the delivery now! She told us that she went home and told her husband that she met this great family and wanted so badly to be there when our baby arrived. She ended up being a huge part of how Hope arrived safely. She was a true angel.
Part 8: Time to Change Course: Hope was in Distress
Right before Stacie returned to the morning shift, my water was broken. Between that, the epidural relaxing me, and my pitocin ---my contractions became really intense. Hope's heart rate began to decline during each contraction. Her heart rate started to become dangerously low. Stacie sprang into action. She immediately turned off the Pitocin and inserted a bag of water onto my cervix to relieve pressure on Hope. She also placed little electrode monitors on Hope's head so that she could better see contraction activity and her heart rate. I immediately asked Marty to give Hope and I a priesthood blessing. I told Marty that I know that God hears him and that he will help us! While I was worried about Hope, I was also very calm. I felt like I was in the very best care both heavenly and with Stacie! As a side note--we learned later that with my elevated bp and Hope's heart rate---there were moments when Dr. Fowers advised Stacie to prep for possible c-section if things didn't resolve. Medication for my BP and all the things Stacie did when Hope was in distress moments after coming back on shift, were huge! She later told us that she was going to do everything she could to avoid a c-section. She was a true angel. When Hope was a few months old--I returned to the labor & delivery floor and brought Stacie a gift. I needed her to know that she made all the difference in Hope's arrival. I personally wanted her to know how grateful I was for her!
With those interventions, Hope was doing great again and we knew things were starting to pick up. At about 7 am---Stacie checked me and I had dilated to a 4. By the end of the exam--I had dilated to a 6! Things were moving fast! Julie checked me again a little before 8 am and I was 9 1/2 cm dilated. It was time! She called Dr. Anne Blackett who was on call and would stand in for Dr. Fowers. (our doctor worked through the night on call and had been counseling with our nurses through it all--but was heading to a well deserved vacation. We were sad he couldn't be there for the delivery but we had heard wonderful things about Anne and felt very lucky she was on call.)
Part 9: Time to Meet Our Baby Hope
So many things transpired in the next 36 minutes. Julie set up the baby isolet at the far end of the room. I remember things were feeling very real. She told me that if I felt pressure---to let her know right away. Within minutes, I felt pressure. Not pain--just pressure. I could tell we were very close. I was advised to breath slowly and sit tight. In the meantime, several people entered the room: Hope's pediatrician--Dr. Brown, two respiratory therapists, and wo nicu nurses. Julie had me do some practice pushing. After one attempt--she told me to stop. It was already working and she didn't want to deliver the baby without Dr. Blackett. Marty took some videos of me in excitement and then Dr. Blackett came in. Marty says that when she walked in he felt like she was an angel. There was something remarkably calm and kind about her. Her voice was soft and kind and yet she had incredible confidence and presence. She immediately dressed in her delivery scrubs and examined me. I was ready. Marty started to record. She asked me to give some good pushes. Stacie counted up to 10. We did this three times. On the third push-- she gently asked me to stop pushing and just breath. Hope's head was out and she needed to remove her monitors and water bag as well as move the cord aside. And then----she delivered Hope with a little pull. She cried immediately (such a miracle given her early gestation) After Anne suctioned her nose and mouth, she immediately placed her on my chest as she continued to cry and use her strong longs to breath. She was perfect and so precious. Her sweet nose. Her beautiful eyes. Her little lips. The nurses and staff couldn't stop saying how beautiful and dainty her features were. She was perfect. After a minute on my chest-- Marty helped cut her cord. At that point he followed her over to the isolet where they started to check her vitals. She was breathing so well! She was alert. Her heart rate and reflexes were perfect. They weighed and measured her. 4 lbs 4 oz and 17 inches long. Dr. Brown said she was perfect! They placed an oxygen monitor on her foot and bundled her up and placed a sweet little knit cap on her head. Marty was able to hold her and sing to her. I was able to nurse her and snuggle her. She stayed with us for about 2 hours. At that point they took her to the NICU to be further monitored as a precaution. She just needed to show that she could eat well, keep her body temperature regulated, and that she could breath consistently with out oxygen issues.
Our miracle had arrived and the Lord was in it all! Early steroid shots for her lungs just in case. Early detection of pre-eclampsia when a fluke case of heartburn brought me in. An angel nurse who did everything just right in potentially scary moments and kept Marty and I calm. A gentle and incredibly gifted doctor who delivered Hope and took care of a placenta complication with me afterward without hesitation.
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Part 10: A Time of Holiness
I am not sure if my words will ever really convey what I felt that day or during my pregnancy. The farther I get away from my pregnancy and Hope's birth, I worry that I will forget the pure joy and peace I felt. It is as if a piece of heaven or holiness attended me. I know not all people feel that way about pregnancy and birth. Some even have traumatic experiences---but the Lord gave me a wonderful gift. Maybe because with infertility & adoption- I had come to terms with never being able to have that experience. In fact--in high-school I distinctly remember thinking that I could not see myself pregnant. I had placed it so far back into my mind so that it wouldn't continue to hurt or bring feelings of loss or feeling forgotten. I have felt forgotten a lot in my life. Instead---the Lord gifted me the miracle of one pregnancy. One birth. And while neither was perfect---it was perfect for me. For the first time--I felt like the Lord was really aware of me. I felt for the first time that my body was doing something good for once. That the body I've despised my entire life, was giving me the opportunity to create life and partner with God in getting Hope safely here. Really---it is probably the only time I have ever felt worth. (and I have been loved by wonderful people through-out my life) This just felt different. It felt like it was meant just for me. The feeling wasn't just emotional---it was tangible. My body could feel it. I guess I could describe it as my spirit and body were in harmony and doing something sacred. It is a feeling I will never forget. And I guess it is fitting that I can't put it into words. I guess in all reality it would be hard to explain, in a mortal way, the glimpse of heaven I experienced.
Waiting for that next Tuesday seemed like forever! In the meantime, I was tracking pregnancy symptoms using an APP on my phone and each symptom seemed to confirm that I was indeed pregnant,...but I was anxious to get the ultrasound. 
Having fun on our their big day! 
We played "courtyard" games and had a blast. We held horse races, played duck-duck-goose, and had a magic show starring buzz lightyear! 
And here are the guests!!! Ethan and Nyah ADORE their family! Having grandparents, aunts & uncles, and their cousins at their party was a big highlight for them. They felt so loved and it was such a special day!
On May 14, we celebrated our 3rd Annivesary of being sealed to the twins in the temple! We went down to the SLC 
Beautiful Nyah on our sealing day. When Nyah was brought into the sealing room, I couldn't help wondering how it was that I was chosen to be the precious baby girl's mother. I had this overwhelming feeling that we were both Daughters of God and that he loved us so much. She was so attentive during the ceremony. Almost as if she was fully aware of what was going on and wanted to remember it! 
Here is Ethan on our special Day! When Ethan was brought to us in the sealing room I immediately got emotional because I felt so blessed to have this sweet boy! I treasure this little man and can't imagine my world without him. He stole the heart of everyone in the temple that day with his bright blue eyes and big smile!
